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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DH treats me right

255 replies

amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:17

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnotFrotGrot · 08/09/2011 23:37

Jesus christ.

You can make a million excuses why you should stay.

I have one to persuade you to start making plans to leave.

Please don't let your children grow up this way. Please.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:38

bet your h is an entitled lazy sod not that handy round the house

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:40

I have to leave your thread now, ami

I think your motives are purely selfish

I am sorry, that is very harsh but you need to examine why you are making the rationalisations that you are. I can understand your fear, but cannot support it.

I wish you all the best in getting your children away from him, but cannot support such denial

You have no interest in exploring any of the practical suggestions put forward to you

I don't think you are ready yet, however, to act in the best interest of your dc. Even though now is the perfect time, before they get older and notice even more

I wonder what your tipping point is ? He already terrorises your children. What more would he have to do ?

KittyDeTour · 08/09/2011 23:41

It makes me feel so sad that a so called grown up can playbite and threaten prison to a 1 and 3 year old. Children's formative years from 0-5 are the most important in shaping us as people. This man IS being abusive towards them physically and emotionally. It breaks my heart to read this and hear how low in self esteem and confidence you seem to be. The emotional damage from his influence is far more destructive than the outcome of divorce. Never mind day trips out, going places in the car etc. Children of this age need love and security none of which is being shown by this man. On the plus side, I think you may realise that things are not working out with him otherwise you wouldn't question it! Have you any close friends or other family members that may be able to help? You need to get out and far away from this destructive situation. You will be okay.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:41

true - he doesn't help at all on the domestic front -but he can be great with the dcs - and even a couple of hours here and there with bathtime or whatever can be such a relief. Obviously that is not a reason to stay. I'm just saying that I don;t know how well I would cope without it.

Also, I have a phobia (don;t really want to go into it here as don't want to give away too much information about myself) - it doesn't exactly rule my life (obviously- I go out to work and have a normal life) - but it would affect how I cope as a lone parent. In that sense I suppose I am prioritising myself, selfishly - but if anyone has experienced a serious phobia, you will know that it is to a great extent uncontrollable (I have had therapy for it in the past, which didn't work).

OP posts:
Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:42

If you stay he will ruin you childrens childhood, they will have that legacy for ever, it will change their adult lives and leas them down paths that you could help them avoid, by leaving him. Now.

babyhammock · 08/09/2011 23:42

thanks babyhammock but I really don;t think I could keep my job - it is v full time high-level city work - I would eventually get sacked for not putting enough time or focus into it.
Would it be possible to job share with someone? Part time hours but same job?
You're clearly very bright (first class degree) and strong to put up with this shit. You need to start believing in yourself again. That idiot has knocked that out of you.
Even if you couldn't realistically continue that particular job, I bet you are well capable of finding another...

And stop thinking he is a nice person. Nice people don't have a twisted nasty side like this. Manipulative abusive people do.

ShirleyKnotFrotGrot · 08/09/2011 23:43

Over and out.

antlerqueen · 08/09/2011 23:43

I'm willing to bet a lot of money that it's not the divorce itself that messes up children, but the circumstances that lead to it.

Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:43

You're not listening to anyone here, are you?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:44

anyfucker - I think you are right. I just don't know how to process this yet.

OP posts:
craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:44

please stop saying he is great with the kids as he is not at all. My dad would take me out, buy me birthday presents then come home and bully my mum and attempt to kill her.

What advice would you give someone in your situation?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:45

fontsnob - as with anyfucker - I do hear what you are saying. It's not that I am not listening - it;s just a LOT to process in the space of an hour.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 23:46

Honestly OP I'm saddened by your thread so far, I see myself as a child in your DC's position, my father was a carbon copy of how your DH appears to be. Even now as an adult when I hear his voice my heart starts beating faster and I get the same sick feeling in my stomach. I'm also (deep down) angry with my mother for staying there and for us as little kids having to put up with it. Please leave him. There are no reasons at all not to.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:48

I have a tendency to overanalyse and be indecisive for fear of doing the wrong thing - to the point of paralysis. I don;t think it;s as simple or clear cut as simply "being selfish" or "not listening".

OP posts:
Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:48

Of course it is, I hope you find the strength to make it right for yourself and your babies. Divorce is okay, I survived my parents just fine, my step daughters are amazingly well balanced. It's the way you deal with it that makes it okay.

You can do it.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:49

shineon - sorry , I know you have to go - but what do you mean?

OP posts:
babyhammock · 08/09/2011 23:49

And yes he is being abusive to the dcs..without a doubt. Being 'lovely' to them as well will mess with their heads as it is doing with yours.
I expect your phobia has got worse since you were with him

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:51

also, it doesn't help to start accusing me of things on here - I didn't post so as not to listen - I asked for views and I am thinking seriously about them. Support would be more helpful - ie - the more perceptive of you would see that it is really fear that is holding me back (I think). So maybe I need to work on getting rid of my own fears so that I can leave.

OP posts:
MilkandWine · 08/09/2011 23:53

If you stay with this man you will be doing the wrong thing.

I actually felt sick reading about him play biting them and threatening your babies with prison. They are 1 and 3 for gods sake, what sort of a man says that to his children?

I think it is that clear cut OP. You probably think we are being horrid to you but if you stay with a man who is clearly going to blight your children's childhoods because it is the easier option for you then that is a selfish act.

I do sympathise by how terrified you must be but you need to do the right thing for your children, which is to leave him.

KittyDeTour · 08/09/2011 23:53

My friend was in an abusive relationship - had to open the door a certain amount, had to stir a cup of tea in a certain way, leave the margarine level in the tub. Over time, these little "quirks" became verbal abuse which became physical. All the while he was very controlling, telling her what to say etc. Eventually, this led to her loosing her job through anxiety and depression, causing her to live a life controlled by a phobia of illness. This in turn verged on the cusp of her becoming agrophobic and developing OCD. She didn't go anywhere and would never eat out or even drink a cup of tea around her parents for fear of contamination. She ended up in hospital and nearly died after becoming ill. The husband had an affair which resulted in the end of the marriage. Now, 3 years later, she has her own house, a fantastic job, drives places and is off all medication for depression. She is going on holiday, constantly going out for meals with her friends and enjoys life. She wouldn't mind me telling you this as she believes that if it helps you, it's worthwhile. There is a future and you phobia may be a by product of this relationship. She was forced by his infidelity into divorce. Please get out, you will find your strength somewhere. And like my friend, it may surprise you how resiliant you are.

DocDuck · 08/09/2011 23:55

My father, who I love, was emotionally abusive. Thankfully my parents split up when I was quite young. AF states that hers are still together; look how strongly it has affected her (no offence meant to her; I just mean that she is clearly very emotionally invested in this situation).

Obviously you're not going to make a decision overnight on MN, despite what us other posters may wish for, but I really hope you eventually find the strength. We didn't have much money growing up, and it was hard on my mum. But it wasn't hard on us kids - we all have good jobs and are happy now. Perhaps the most important thing which hasn't been said yet is that money isn't worth it.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:57

shineon - when I say I don't know another single parent - I don't mean that literally, I just mean that I can;t think of a friend / colleague who is one. I'm sure there are.

And I absolutely look up to single parents completely and utterly - I mean to the extent that I think they are amazing and that I am not sure I would be able to do it myself. Although I think I could actually - it's the phobia that keeps pulling me back.

Please be kind. You are all being very helpful and I do appreciate your advice. We (as a family) are in a time of great flux at the moment already (I won't go into further details here) so I think it needs a little bit more time. But that's not to say I am not listening to everything you are saying. I am not rejecting any piece of advice.

OP posts:
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