I don't think DH treats me right

[amigoingmadhere]

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

Can you borrow a phone from them?

You must be safe when you tell him.

ok, just managed to get my phone reconnected. And packed emergency bag. So I'm feeling ok for now.

Keep your phone on you and good luck.

Thinking of you.

good luck

is there really nobody you can call to be with you?

Thanks - I suppose there are people I can call but would be a bit out of the blue at this point - i.e. the people who really know about this situation are all unavailable at the moment for various reasons. That said, thankfully, I do have lots of friends whom I think I can trust, and I'm pretty sure there are several people on whose doorstep I could turn up suddenly who would welcome us in. Am feeling quite strong now, esp as phone and internet (on my phone) reconnected, so I don't think I'd fear being out on the streets tonight.

I don't think having someone here while I confronted him would actually help matters.

Good luck. Stay safe xxx

You don't have to confront him, you know. You could just leave tonight, let him come home to an empty house. You owe him nothing, not even an explanation.

You also don't have to be there when the police come. Phone/stop by your local police station and say that you want to report the assaults, but don't want to be left alone with an angry man: they can explain to you how they will handle it, and tell you what they recommend.

He can't "come after you" in a refuge, and is too much of an image-conscious coward to "come after you" if you are staying with friends. There's a reason all his assaults have happened in the privacy of your own home: abusers want to look like Mr Perfect / Mr Wronged to the rest of the world.

And of course you can divorce him without his consent! It's a marriage contract, not indentured servitude. It can be broken so long as one party wants out.

Good luck and stay safe and strong.

You can do this for you and your children. Keep him as far away from all of you as possible

weird -I was just re-reading this thread and saw craftyknickers' post from September:
does he tell his mum to shut the f*k up? does he tell your neighbour to shut their trap?

If the answer is no then he knows exactly what he is doing but in order to keep controlling you he needs to make you think he has no idea what he is doing.*

In fact the answer is yes, and yes. What does that mean then?

It means he is a nasty fuck.

I hope you are out of there and safe at a friend's. This man is extremely dangerous anyway (he bites the DC, he has attacked you while you are PG) and when you are planning to leave, these scumbags often sense it and escalate. Please accept once and for all that this man is your enemy and he means you serious harm, don't waste another second on fretting about therapy for him and one last chance and all that shit. He won't change because he LIKES hurting and scaring you. There is something seriously, unfixably wrong with him which means he wants to own, control and ultimately destroy both you and the DC.

I really hope you are safe now. Please keep well away from him.

Please call the police and tell them what has been happening, if you haven't already.

I'm reading Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry. & Controlling Men. It's amazing & helping me a lot. I strongly recommend you get it (it's on Amazon) - it will help you to see the truth about this man. It's not his childhood, it's not you or his job or money or the kids. It's simply him & how he chooses to behave. No excuses given.

However that is for later - I missed some of the recent posts about his violence. Please call the police/WA straight away. A woman is killed by her partner or ex almost every day in this country. It sounds dramatic but you need to be safe now.

This first post was in September and it's now April and you are still there! What do you need, ?

Among lots of other aspects of internal change, she probably needs to believe this.

Quite right, HotDAMN.

I hope you're ok OP!

sorry to be coming back to this a month later.

Well, the baby is due in a few weeks and I don't know what to do. He's so rude.

I took some professional advice and there are things we are working on (i.e. things he must work on to be given a final chance), but I don;t think it's going anywhere - I don't think he's taking it seriously enough. But how can I leave with two small children and a third due next month? It's just so depressing.

oh no.

Well...you should make plans to split I think. Sooner rather than later. It'll be shit, and it'll be tough...but you'll get through it.
To stay will see you crushed with no respite in sight.

Basically, following the posts last month, he got scared, saw I was serious, and promised to do whatever it takes to change (not that I believed it, but I had to give him the chance, if nothing else, for the sake of our children).

He did take some initial steps, I believe, but hasn't followed through. Do I really have to move out with the children every time to show him I am serious?

He never has any time to talk - he is always too busy, too tired, or couldn't care less, and is just so bloddy entitled - saying now 'I want' this and 'I want' that, and saying that he expects me to have dinner on the table for him when he gets home from work. When did he ever have dinner ready for me when I was spending long days working and doing everything around the house?

I am now anaemic with my pregnancy, and twice recently have been lying on the floor feeling faint and he still expected me both times to get up and bath the dcs etc., both times on the weekends, when he was at home and perfectly capable of doing so himself. Just selfish, rude and entitled, and then calls me insane when I dare to disagree.

It's so wearing, but I'm about to have a baby.

You must leave. You do know this.

You're right Pictish - I think I just need to put some plans in place, and leave when I am a bit more settled - maybe when the baby is at least a few months old.

He is like yet another baby!
He is worse.

At least I have spoken to a few people in RL who know about this now -i.e. a professional, some family, a friend who recently got divorced in similar circumstances etc. So I have had some good advice and feel I have a bit of support behind me.