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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DH treats me right

255 replies

amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:17

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheFear · 08/09/2011 22:49

He's an awful father. Quite apart from what he's doing to them directly, by mistreating you in front of them he's showing your DCs that this is what a relationship looks like. God help them when they go to choose their own partners. I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's grim, isn't it?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:50

Anyfucker: " and any woman who prioritises a relationship with such a man over her children is colluding in their abuse"

Who said I was prioritising our relationship?? What relationship? I try my best always to smooth things over for the sake of the dcs. It is all about them. If it wasn't for them I would have left him already. Unfortunately I didn't see the full extent of his personality (or maybe I just didn't think about it properly) until they were born.

I need to do what it best for them.

And yes, there is also a big element of me that thinks I just wouldn't cope on my own.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:51

Very plainly he doesn't deserve you or your DC's. He treats you all vey badly. His mother seems to not give a crap and your mother also thinks divorce is the worst in the world. Read these posts back again OP and please don't accept or allow your children to be exposed to this abuse anymore, also you deserve better but you probably don't believe it.
You know this is so wrong, you must, and you don't need 90 posts telling you the same thing. I hope things get better for you (they won't with him by the way) its all up to you.

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:52

You would cope, you know deep down you can - listen to yourself: "have a first class degree, a v good job and am pretty capable at parenting". That's you! Don't be afraid.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:53

it is grim.

It;s true - both my and his mothers idolise their husbands. MAybe it's also a generational thing? In any case, my father and father in law are nothing like my dh.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 22:54

he pushes you too? not surprised really. thumped you yet?

staarted with pushing and blocking me in with me, then kicking, hitting, and later punching in the head. he threw something at me and I am lucky to survive that, but still i stayed because I was ashamed, and thought marriage was for life and that he would get better.... [idiot emotion] the drip drip drip of the hospital nurse, police dv person, the gp and mumsnet, wwhere people were advised to leave for a lot less Shock (to me) eventually had an effect. it takes time for it to sink in. to begin to realise that this is not normal and that you don't have to live or die like that. that the children are better off growing up to think that it is not normal.

PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:55

I know you think you may not cope on your own but could you imagine the relief you would feel if you didn't have him putting you down all the time. Your husband sounds like my father, exactly like him and I used to go to bed with a bad stomach, feeling nervous and scared when he'd have one of his rants. (Always at my mother) Your children might be unsettled at first because their routine will be changed but I think that they will also feel relief and freedom to just be them instead of trying to appease this monster.
You CAN cope by the way, don't stay 'for the children' that is way to much to put on them, you also deserve happiness too. Have you looked at agencies like Womans Aid?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:55

I really don;t think I would cope - I would lose my job. How would I pay for childcare? A house? - he paid most of the money for ours.

He did go on an anger management course recently, but aside from a few minor changes at the time, he hasn't really changed.

I actually feel sorry for him - I don't think he realises what he's like (despite me having made the points very clear many many times).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 22:56

You are not protecting them by staying with him

That conversation in the car ?

Is allowing them to witness that protecting them ?

You are staying because you are frightened to leave.

That is not the same as staying for the children

if you do anything for your children, get this abusive man out of their life

Your children "adore" him because they are too frightened to not appease him

think how utterly grim a childhood like that must be

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:58

Why would you lose your job?

Look up benefits you'd be entitled to - check the 'entitled to' website - it will calculate it all for you.

Don't feel sorry for him - he chooses to behave like this.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:59

I also feel like the dcs might have a bit of a boring life with me - I'm not very adventurous with driving etc and so probably wouldn;t end up going to all the fun and exciting places they go to with dh - or us as a family. And aren't there just so many countless stories of divorce wrecking kids' lives?

What if I got ill? Who would take care of them?

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:59

I think he doesn't care what hes like, there is nothing at all pressing him to change his behaviour, self entitled fool that he is, if I thought or was told I was scaring or upsetting my family to that degree I'd be so ashamed of myself. For inspirtional threads check out the relationships, everyone walking out of an abusive relationship has all the same fears. I wish I could say anything else to help. Just want to add finally that you and your DC's deserve better, please know this and repeat it to yourself regularly.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:00

When he puts you in hospital, who will look after them then ?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:01

I know I sound weak and pathetic - maybe I am.

I am so scared. I'm always scared. Can't stop crying.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:01

OP...do you think living like this isn't wrecking your children's lives ?

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 23:01

Oh well, that settles it - Alton Towers occasionally versus watching your mother being berated and dismissed and abused on a daily basis, and thinking that was normal & ok. I know what I'd choose!

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:02

do people like this ever change?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:02

no

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:03

I do think it's wrecking their lives - but so would divorce. I don;t know which one more. Who can?

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:03

achildhood where you have to tiptoe round a father is not good.

how do you know that he is not going to start treating the children like that. what about when they are stroppy teenagers, is he going to push them over too?

seek legal advice. speak to your gp. talk to womens aid. get referred to a counsellor by your gp. start planning. you are currently working. i presume you have child care arranged. that can stay in place whilst you get yourself sorted? get these things sorted out and find out what you are entitled but atart making an escape plan. put some money away. get the child benefit paid into your account.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:04

anyfucker - I've seen you on lots of threads but I can't remember which. What's your agenda here? Is it really that black and white to you? What's your story?

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 23:04

they don't change OP. I hope you'll be ok, don't worry, you can leave and have a happy life, this will be the best thing you ever do for your children.

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:05

maybe think about it in another light? Dont think about how you will cope without him, think about your kids behavior if you stay with him.

Could you live with yourself if your child becomes your husband and abuses their partner because they think it is right? You want what is best for your children and by teaching them abuse is not acceptable you are giving them the best!

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:06

divorce would free them from watching their mother being abused

it's a good thing

staying prolongs the bad example you are setting them between you

I blame both my father and mother for the bad example they set me as a child

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:07

we already have separate bank accounts and I was having counselling for something else last year, but it basically turned into discussions about this every time as the therapist thought my relationship with dh was actually the cause of other problems. she did advise women's aid etc. I didn't feel that was the point at which I would leave - but what is the tipping point?

OP posts: