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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so upset- fucking git.

217 replies

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 14:14

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

OP posts:
MilkandWine · 05/09/2011 22:57

Do NOT answer NS, no matter how tempted you may be.

Seriously, wtf is he playing at? Like you say it is not normal behaviour. To be honest I don't think daily goodnight texts and emails are normal behaviour even at the beginning of a 'proper' relationship. It would be just too full on for me.

He's thriving on your attention so cut off his supply , it will give him some nice food for thought. I confidently predict the pitiful 'Why are you ignoring me?' texts will start soon Wink

whojimmyflip · 05/09/2011 23:04

Oh god. Nob. Seriously. Has he nothing better than inane emails. He knows how you feel!

solidgoldbrass · 05/09/2011 23:24

If nothing else his behaviour since you last met should demonstrate that he really doesn't give a toss about your feelings and is intent on getting what he wants from you, which is ego-stroking and unhealthy jollies from feeling he has power over you. He's not a nice person and not a good friend.

FabbyChic · 05/09/2011 23:29

I had a platonic relationship with a guy, he was my best friend, never anything sexual. We spent hours on the phone, emailing and texting every day, it is normal!

beatenbyayellowteacup · 05/09/2011 23:32

FabbyChic did you also stroke each other's faces?

MilkandWine · 05/09/2011 23:35

But Fabby, the point here is that this guy isn't acting in a platonic manner. He is saying he just want's to be friends whilst engaging in petting, hair stroking and heavy body to body contact. In shorter terms, he is being a head fucker.

Of course platonic friendships between men and women are possible and are normal. This is not the case here though, the OP is having her feelings messed about by this guy in a big way.

carantala · 06/09/2011 00:08

It seems that OP wanted more from this guy than he was prepared to give. It doesn't matter if he's gay/posh/churchey - he's not up for a passionate relationship. Give up, OP, he's not "THE ONE!"

lazarusb · 06/09/2011 09:48

Stay strong and don't engage! He seems to have zero comprehension of how you are feeling.

MysteriousHamster · 06/09/2011 09:50

That might be true Carantala, but if he was any kind of friend he would realise what he's doing and back off a bit. Instead he's basically rubbing himself in the OPs face and shouting 'look at what you could have! But you can't!'. Nobber.

ShoutyHamster · 06/09/2011 09:56

You could email back 'Not a good day for me either. Very itchy actually.'

Grin

Only joking. Don't send him anything, he's an irritating waste of space, and YOU are busy looking for a proper relationship with a nice person instead of a tosser - right??

ShoutyHamster · 06/09/2011 09:57

Oooh hamsters all round Grin

AbbyAbsinthe · 06/09/2011 10:30

" Grin "

Hehehe Grin

loopylou6 · 06/09/2011 13:18

Sorry to sound nasty op, but you really need to get a grip and stop letting this pillick take the piss out of you. he's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, you need to hear him and stop letting him touch you in a way you certainly wouldnt let Mike the milkman touch you.

Stop allowing him so much space in your head, you're wasting your time.

Ps: he's quite clearly GAY its glaringly obvious.

buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 13:23

Oh please delete his message and maybe even delete & block his number. He's getting off on having you on a string.

electra · 06/09/2011 13:46

Maybe he's not accepting of his sexuality and he is hoping if he hangs around you for long enough he'll start developing feelings he feels more comfortable with.

Whatever the reason though, he's no good for you - if I were you I would ignore him.

MigratingCoconuts · 06/09/2011 17:08

Good for you!!

Delete, delete, delete....

CheeseandPickledOnion · 06/09/2011 17:26

Nearly I'm sorry you've had your feeling hurt. And I think he's a bit of a cock.

But... he has been fairly honest. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. From there he has done 'sensual' things with you, made the first move. But you've had the option to think 'I know he doesn't want a relationship' and then stop him.

I've been there myself. Someone was clear with me that they didn't want a relationship with me, but were happy to offer me practically all the trappings of one without the commitment. I just kept seeing all the things we did have, rather that listening to the fact that HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP with me.

Sounds to me as though if you're happy to have sensual times, and other parts of a relationship without the relationship, that he's happy to do that with you. He's just being clear it isn't going anywhere further.

It's our job to start listening when people say this, rather than blindly over think the whole fucking thing.

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