I'm so upset- fucking git.

[NearlySpring]

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

Nearly, this is in your hands now. You can stop the hurt he is causing you, but you need to stop the texts and calls. If you bump into him, as I said yesterday, avoid him as much as possible.
He isn't your friend if he causes you pain and uncertainty.

I think she needs to find someone or something else to focus on so he doesn't seem so important or like the only thing she's got.

Otherwise it's easy to get bogged down in trying to figure him out and grieve for ages and all that. It would be hard to find a new focus if he was the nicest/best bloke in the world but he's not.

For once I actually agree with AnyFucker, if he respected you as a person he would have explained his reasoning by now - you've given him plenty of opportunity to do so and he hasn't. That's not how you treat a friend.

Oh, and he's definitely gay.

HH it would have been more gracious for you to leave out the "for once"

and make you look less like a plank

He may have someone else and by keeping a definite distance from you doesn't feel unfaithful. Whatever it is I would run a mile!

Didn't want you thinking I'd be making a habit of it AnyFucker

But, you know, never say never and all that :)

And when you're as much of a plank as I am there's no hiding it anyway.

OFGS,

This is about DATING. If everyone blamed the people they had dated over the years who had messed them about, given mixed messages etc etc, then most people could be judged as arseholes. When you are dating, especially in the early stages, both parties can choose to pursue the relationship or leave well alone. In this case, it would seem best to leave well alone.

This situation is a bit more complex as it involves old friends. But I assume that the OP knows that moving from a friendship to a relationship puts the friendship at risk and she chose to take that risk.

So, the OP fancies someone but he is messing her around. It has happened to all of us over the years, I am sure, in both directions. Tell him he needs to make his intentions clear or move on, it is as simple as that. It does not make either party evil and does not stop them both finding more suitable partners in the future. What has become of dating that it has become so complex?

Well done larry for taking three paragraphs to say what everyone else has said in 2 words. ie "move on"

some planks can be very nice, but not when they carry past disagreements to completely unrelated threads

just sayin'

He's a total bellend. The superstition doesn't surprise me: Christianity, in particular, does hideous damage to a lot of people's sexualities, and if (as sounds likely) this man is gay the inside of his head must be a pretty horrid place to live.
However that's not your fault or your problem. He doesn't get to use you as his aversion therapy.
I would suggest you make yourself a promise though - no dating and no men for about a year, because your boundaries are screwed and you need to lose this level of passive desperation: a woman who has good self-esteem and hasn't been fucked about would be able to say 'Look, you don't want sex or a relationship, you've said as much, so keep your hands to yourself.'

Please tell us that you won't see him again as he suggested in his text- and if you do see him at church or where ever and he asks you out or makes noises about seeing you alone, just stonewall him or have a killer reply up your sleeve.

Please don't tell m he's Irish and his name starts with "T"... I had one like this but he was openly(ish) gay. At least I knew he was gay. He had an MO of having serial very close female friends who were head over heels in love with him. So was I. He like cuddling, stroking, watching movies very close together. He used to tell me he thinks about me all the time, that I'm so funny, clever, beautiful. etc., etc., etc., but he doesn't think it would work because of his interests . But he gave me enough to think he was seriously thinking about us, plus when I say he was openly(ish) gay, it means that his only close friends knew and he always enjoyed having a female friend on his arm when out and about, in front of his colleagues, at work.

So yes, I thought in the beginning yours could have been too but didn't want to label him, not knowing him. Although I was happy to label him a 'twat' and stll am .

Yes, you need a "cut the bullshit" killer reply prepared for the next time he turns on his smarmy charm offensive < shudder >

I wonder if he's "paying you back" for something in your teenage years? You say "he always chased you" and that he remembers an argument from way back then.

Perhaps this had more of an effect on him than is normal and now he's making YOU do all the chasing in some kind of weird revenge thing.

Just a thought.

And yes, move on

OP I hope you are walking away from this one because it is going nowhere. Really, a fledging relationship should not be this emotionally draining. Do not agree to an evening with him again. If he asks, tell him you have a hot date with someone else!

Sorry you're going through this, OP, I can feel how hurt you are by this ridiculous behaviour. I went through something very similar with someone many years ago - he was my best friend and I thought of him as the ' one that got away - in actual fact, he was just a tease and needed my adulation to make him feel better about himself. We did have sex once, and I can remember it being alright, but it never happened again - which left me feeling terribly rejected and hurt - even though he spent almost every night for the next 2 years sleeping in my bed and cuddling me. And guess what happened in the end? Gay. Gay. Gay.

Sorry for you mate.

I would be getting really snappy with this so-called friend now.

'Yes, you did lead me on, quite unpleasantly in fact. The feeling I was left with was that you were playing some little power games. Not very nice, and not very friendly. So I don't think I do want us to meet up alone anymore, thanks.

'If you want to remain friends, draw some boundaries yourself. It's no use being arch and evasive when I ask you if you fancy me, and then backing off rapidly - you're just making yourself look like a twat, to be honest. I think we should stay away from each other until you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with me, before I completely lose respect for you. You're acting like a silly fifteen year old - I've been upfront with you, so have a long think and get back to me.'

And then DON'T GET BACK TO HIM, AND SPEND YOUR TIME LOOKING FOR REAL MEN ELSEWHERE!!!

Oh and yes GAY GAY GAY and 'in his cupboards' (as my Gran would say )

Thanks! anyfucker do you have a cut the bullshit snappy reply I can use if he does try and arrange another "date" I think I will be strong but if Im honest with myself then I'll just go all soppy and be a woss! I will be seeing him as part of a group on Saturday.. I could not go but why the heck should I miss out just to avoid him. I've not contacted him today and have no plans to.

Don't forget, he has no explanation for making you feel so bad and mucking you about. When you feel soppy, remind yourself of this.

I honestly don't think you even need a snappy reply. If he tries to arrange another date then you decline pure and simple. If he asks why all you need to tell him is that you feel that you both want different things and that you are looking for something other than what he is offering you. Actually I think ShoutyHamsters suggestion for a response is a really good one. It gets the point across and let's him know exactly what you think.

There is no reason why you should miss out on Saturday. Go along, be pleasant and polite but don't end up alone with him. If he tries to touch you or get touchy feely in anyway then nicely tell him to keep his hands to himself.

I'm in a similar situation myself at the minute and I really find visualising how the person who is upsetting you so much is feeling compared to you (or me) really helps. Is he writing agonised threads on forums?, is he wondering about what he did 'wrong' or torturing himself over why he isn't good enough or why you aren't getting in touch with him? Is he bollocks! He is probably happily getting on with his life, smug in the knowledge that he has a nice lady dangling by a thread. Think about that and get bloody well pissed off, I find it's very helpful in getting rid of any soppy thoughts.

How about "I hear it's nice in Narnia this time of year!"

If he is struggling with being gay he will be well aware of the phrase "so far in the closet he's in fucking Narnia"

Though to be honest I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of an obviously pre-planned sarky comment. Much better to just have no contact with him other than when you are in your shared group of friends and ignore any texts / calls which he may make to you. That will be much more annoying to him.

FWIW I met one of these 25 years ago, a "first love" that never quite led to full sex but went on, on and off for 10 years with him contacting me, after our initial break up, once every 2 years or so. Every time I was single, desperate and had SUCH a connection with him that I just let him pick me up and then disappear after a night of passionate kisses and cuddles but no sex, breaking my heart every time. Then 12 years ago he rang me after I had been seeing my now DH for 6 months. He no longer had a hold over me, I wasn't hanging on his every word, and guess what, he has never contacted me since. Nasty manipulative arse.

I think you should take heart from the fact that so many of us have similar tales to tell that this behaviour is not as loopy as it seems at first, its actually just another form of abuse which hopefully you can now identify and move on from.

Good luck

maybe he doesn't want you to find out he has a button mushroom [shocked]

bloody hell

Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

I mean, "sensual but not sexual"?! Come on people!

GAY!