I'm so upset- fucking git.

[NearlySpring]

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

So you like the guy, he likes you, you had a nice evening and a cuddle. So far so lovely. By the sound of it there was a shag on offer if he'd wanted one, but he didn't because he doesn't think you can have a relationship.

Ignoring the relationship thing for a sec, that sounds like he was treating you with a lot of respect - plenty of guys would have shagged someone and then dumped them. I thought women wanted to be respected and not just used for sex? Some guys just can't win .

Now, about the relationship thing, I'm confused too because he clearly likes you as a person and fancies you ... so you need to ask him, not us. Only he knows why he thinks this. And if he cares for you as a person he'll explain it, and you'll know. Worst case you understand it and can move on, best case you can prove to him that he's wrong - you've got nothing to lose either way.

Oh god, I read your OP thinking 'OMG this is exactly what I've been through as well' so I'm glad you posted.

FWIW the chap I know isn't religious at all, and he isn't soppy at all, but he is capable of giving incrediby mixed messages...I mean saying no but acting 'yes' with what he's doing to you, so you're really being led on, and then letting you go quite far in terms of humiliating yourself (because he's leading you on physically) before finally saying, 'Ah, no, I'm sorry, we really shouldn't, I have to go now' and buggering off while you're left in tears and feeling really stupid.

I don't think it's religion. I think it's cruelty and controllingness and just basically using you for kicks while accepting no responsibility for it themselves. Your chap has issues, sounds creepy and unpleasant, very manipulative, game playing and immature.

I think you ought to run a mile because he doesn't see you as a partner or even a person - it's ALL about him.

Sorry x

'Ignoring the relationship thing for a sec, that sounds like he was treating you with a lot of respect - plenty of guys would have shagged someone and then dumped them. I thought women wanted to be respected and not just used for sex? Some guys just can't win .'

But he led her right up the garden path and then rejected her when she tried to kiss him - which is normally the next obvious step.

He's playing games with her feelings. How would you like to be felt up, stroked, laid down with, turned on and then told that sorry, you can't have sex because you're not good enough for a relationship?

Would you consider that respectful?

A friend of mine spent the ages of 30-35 wasting her time on a bloke like this.

Til he got a new girlfriend he married.

My friend was so wrapped up in this guy, who gave her nothing but strung her along she never bothered with anyone else who gave her attention.

She's 38 now, single and desperate for kids.

Hopefully she'll meet someone soon.

Are either of the following scenarios possible:

He is contemplating taking religious orders and is using you to 'test' himself?

He is confused about his sexuality? SOME churches think being gay is a sin and this can lead to a lot of inner conflict for any member of that church who has homosexual feelings. Again this would mean that he is using you to test himself.

Either way he may believe that if he doesnt kiss you or sleep with you whatever else he does is ok as he has not crossed an imaginary line he has set himself.

Again, either way, it doesnt work out well for you so I say cut and run! Protect yourself, you deserve better.

I completely agree with Gloria. And listen to ruletheworld too- a cautionary tale indeed.

The chap I knew, when confronted with how miserable he had made me, said that he knew he shouldn't have let things go that far, but he was 'tempted' which was totally different to actually wanting to sleep with me.

Apparently this absolved him of all responsibility, especially as he thought he was doing the right thing by being 'strong' in resisting sex, while encouraging me to pull out all the stops in order to break the spell and get him into bed (which had worked previously but didn't that time).

It's like making you beg. Utterly humiliating, cruel and a bit sadistic while he gets to feel oh so virtuous and stay within the rules..well technically

I think it's called playing hard to get or else plain and simple using you.

or he's got it into his head that you are too soon out of a relationship = this doesn't seem to be the case as far as you are concerned, so you need to t a l k

I mean he is clearly getting his rocks off while you're getting used...he's teasing you to make you give him what he wants, then leaving you confused and frustrated.

When women do this to men it's usually considered really unfair. So I'm not sure why a man would say it was 'respectful'.

No you don't. Don't even reply, actually. You can stop this stupid game by refusing to engage with it further.

What worries me primarily, and there are many things, is that he is happy to piss about with you, flirt, stroke, snuggle, but tell you practically to your face that you are never going to have a relationship.

He's not telling you that you are not good enough. YOU are telling YOU that.

It's clear that your self esteem is lower than it could be, because as pchip says, anyone who was at full speed would say "WTF is this then?"

He could be hiding behind his faith , tbh it's a good cover, cos it's a trust that is unquestionable, but no real proof of it's validity either!

You are a single mother, with a history, which is perfectly normal and acceptable to millions of potential partners. BUT he's telling you you can't be together, but all the while still tugging away at those heart strings.

You, my love, are more than likely being targeted by an abusive male. he's making you doubt and eventually chip away at yourself, lower your own expectations of him, desperately seeking his affection, approval and acceptance.

Every single woman reeled in by one of these men will tell you, it was like a whirlwind, I've never felt like this before, (because of his faith) you'll automatically think he's safe. If he were being straight up with you, he'd move on.

If you felt stronger, YOU'D move on too.

End this now, it's confusing you, and this is a prime attack mechanism for abusers.

HH is right. It is abusive. No matter how nice he seems he is getting high on making you jump when he says jump...he knows exactly how much you fancy him.

Lucky you don't have any ties to him, no children together etc.

I don't think they consider themselves abusive. I don't think it's intentional to abuse, but if they thought about it a bit more they would see that that is what they are doing. at best it's incredibly selfish and definitely, definitely not about you at all, in any way. He's using you for a little game.

i agree with pchip, why did you continue to let him do the whole stroking, touchy feely thing when he had already said he didn't want to kiss you?

I would take his lead from now on and tell him exactly what LeBOF has suggested. His actions don't scream sweet & lovely to me, you definately deserve better.

It's also a rather extreme form of passive aggression...look at your description of him, how sweet and cuddly he is to everyone. Then read your thread title.

THAT is how he's making you feel about him yet, gosh, who could possibly say such a thing about such a nice man? He knows he's getting away with it because it's indirect...people who wind everyone else up into a steaming frenzy of frustration and anger are really letting everyone else express their OWN anger, they're upsetting people by stealth.

But it can't possibly be his fault can he, and you must be evil or immoral just to even think those words about him...(actually you're spot on)

'i agree with pchip, why did you continue to let him do the whole stroking, touchy feely thing when he had already said he didn't want to kiss you?'

I'd suggest it was becasue the OP was so hurt and he was still being so 'nice' and she didn't want to appear petulant or aggressive...he was making HER upset yet acting innocent, so any argument or confrontation would have been 'her fault'. She didn't let this happen, but understandably is seething inside and wishes to prevent future occurrences of this manipulativeness, and protect herself from getting hurt again.

If she'd got cross or defensive or tried to stop him he would have blamed her for it.

madeupme Definitely no to religious orders, he has a career that've loves and it's just not a possible scenario. The gay thing..Hmm that is another thing. All his friends are girls pretty much and he is very "camp". We actually joked last night that of all my friends if one were to turn out to be gay it would be him. He just smiled and shook his head. But perhaps Im trying to save myself the heartache of being rejected by thinking more into the gay idea then I should.

I'm not going to call him as I know he's out with his friends tonight. I'm having friends overater so will try and not think about him.

He really has me totally smitten. I generally like to be in control of my feelings and the affection I have for him made me feel uneasy anyway as it's so different to how I normally get about people. Today he introduced me to some of his friends as "my good friend NearlySpring" and we sat and has a nice little random chat but no mention of last night at all!

I've had a similar experience to this with a man I met on-line.

He wrote to me first - a lovely complimentary e-mail - and I was pretty pleased as he was very attractive and so wrote back. We exchanged a few e-mails and suddenly he just disappeared and didn't reply. I shrugged my shoulders and moved on, after all that happens all the time in on-line dating. But he continued to view my profile a lot, and even re-favourited me a couple of times.

Eventually I wrote back to him, and a conversation continued. We arranged a date that he backed out of at the last minute. Again I chalked it up to experience and went on my way. But still he continued to view my profile and write to me. He told me we had chemistry, and that he felt a 'connection' but was worried about the distance between us. Fair enough but he never seemed to quite leave me alone.

Stoopid me, instead of walking away and staying away, I allowed him to reel me in, believing that he really wanted me but was reticent because of the incompatibilities between us. I've lost count of the amount of dates we almost went on. It got to the stage where I was initiating almost all the contact between us and he was just virtually wandering off whenever he felt like it. I ended up feeling completely humiliated. I allowed this to go on for six months!

Men like this need to be given a wide berth. They are happy to use you for an ego boost until something better comes along but you will always be left hungry. Don't do it to yourself.

Oh yes I was always a 'very close friend' as well. He told all our mutual friends, who fair enough thought we were together by this point (though I'd still no idea) that he 'couldn't see it working out' with me, and didn't see us having a relationship.
So he humiliated me to everyone else as well...then they all thought I was a bit desperate to be hanging around him so much when he was initiating most of the contact.

It's a total game of ego. Knobbers

Nearly This guy has you well and truly out of your comfort zone, he is toying with you with no apparent intention of getting involved.

This is how shit starts. believe me.

If you want to spend time with him again (quite frankly I couldn't be arsed with all this shite, but obv you really like him) then I'd lay my cards on the table so that he can't play the naive thing:

"Look you were giving me really mixed signals before. Men and women, even men and women who are really good friends, don't touch each other in the way we did last time without it meaning something sexual. You were giving me signals that you wanted something to happen with the way you touched me. If you don't want us to have a relationship - because I'm not interested in casual sex - then you need to respect conventions and not touch me like that again."

Yes it wasn't 'sensual' it was completely sexual...you could tell, really, couldn't you by the fact he was erm 'up' for it.

Did he say it was sensual? He mustn't think you're very bright to fall for that!

arse

whatever his reason, he's an arse

oh just read more

yes, gay.

And in denial

If you wouldn't do it with a same sex friend (assuming heterosexuality), then it isn't platonic. Clearly.

The more you post about him, the less I like him.