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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so upset- fucking git.

217 replies

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 14:14

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

OP posts:
grumpypants · 04/09/2011 15:16

do you know what (brace yourself, this is going to sound harsh)...
i'm nearly forty and married (after one crap marriage and several relationships) to a man who :
rang when he said he would
didn't wait to call if he wanted to speak to me
snogged on the sofa and then waited a cple days for sex - no touching sensuously bollocks

and my life is just that bit less tiring.

i think that relationships shouldnt be emotional hard work at the beginning. So forget all romantic notions. stop having intense conversations. what was that film again? he's just not that into you. If he was, you would be dating. Simple.

Hatesponge · 04/09/2011 15:21

I think there are a lot of these 'nice' men (who are actually whether deliberately or by sheer ineptitude a pain in the arse!) about.

I knew one - lovely man, ever so kind, v quiet, not my type at all. Was told via friends he was keen on me, and persuaded to go for it. We got v drunk together one night and snogged for several hours. At the time he was all grateful (for want of a better word), how wonderful I was, how unexpected it all was, etc etc Hmm

Couple of days later he gets cold feet, says he doesnt think he's ready for a relationship (had I offered one?!) but maybe we could take it slowly. Carried on being friends, chatted, etc etc. I respected what he said, didn't push it and left the ball in his court. And nothing ever happened.

A year later he married someone else. She pursued him apparently. Frankly I think I had a lucky escape Grin He wasn't a horrible person, just incredibly passive.

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 15:25

Chris- we did. We had the conversation last night. I went in for a snog and he pued away. I pulled a commical hurt face trying to make light if it and that was when he said be didn't feel it was right to kiss etc when he ft we wouldn't be able to have a relationship. I dont want to look like a desperate old fool and say "why don't you want me" that would just be so humiliating and would upset me very much.

I just can't work out the answers to things like why on earth he feels kissing is a no no but is happy to sit there all cuddled up me stroking his hair and us brushing our faces together and having Eskimo kisses (noses rubbing). Why on earth he'd choose a night in at mine alone rather a night down the pub after he knew I was interested in him if he didn't feel the same about me.

Crazy man. :) x

OP posts:
chris123456 · 04/09/2011 15:30

Talk again then - asking what his problem is isn't humiliating, your're a grown woman - supposing it was something really stoopid?

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beatenbyayellowteacup · 04/09/2011 15:41

Even if you could have a relationship with this guy, would you want to commit to a guy who was so weak and inadequate that he gives these mixed messages? And this is the kindest thing I could say about him.

I bet he's got this "but I really like you and I just couldn't help it, it's not my fault really, I just really fancy you, but it's not going to work because actually I'm better than you, so sorry" thing going on.

Ugh.

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 15:52

I just found a text he sent me late last night, I must have been asleep already and just eared if off the screen without reading, yay for iPhones saving texts. When go home he sent a text to say that he was home and had a nice evening. I replied that I had too and hope we didn't leave things on an awkward note, he replied (the text I just found) "I should apologised if Ive misled or confused you, that's not want I wanted do do and it's probably not fair on you" followed by kisses and a smiley face.

Wind up or what?!?

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 04/09/2011 15:53

alright, i may get flamed to hell for this, but here's my 2 cents for all its worth.

it could be, just plain and simple thatthere is nothing malicious about it and hes an affectionate person. I like to cuddle and give small pecks to all my friends, and im incredibly playful too so i can understand wanting to be close that close to a good friend.

rather than going in guns blazing and asking him ten thousand questions about how he feels and so on, maybe just take a step back,try to do other things but dont blank him compleatly still be friendly. when he goes to be close and affectionate just say "i dont really feel like doing this at the moment, lets just enjoy [insert whatever it is your doing i.e watching a film" at least that way, even if a relationship dosnt come out of it, your friendship will still be in tact :)

Chrononaut · 04/09/2011 15:56

bah, forgot to put in the end ], do excuse my terrible grammar :(

dreamingbohemian · 04/09/2011 15:59

It's probably not fair on you???

Ugh. Definitely keep your distance, if nothing else he sounds like an emotional idiot.

DirtyDessert · 04/09/2011 16:05

What grumpypants said.

roses2 · 04/09/2011 16:10

As you said he was quite religious, maybe he is a virgin and doesn't beleive in sex before marriage?

beatenbyayellowteacup · 04/09/2011 16:11

That text is sending mixed messages in itself. I don't like this guy. He needs to grow some balls and abide by his own moral code of doing right by people.

Player.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 04/09/2011 16:12

Don't tell me he doesn't know what he's doing. He knows full well that he's winding you up. He just likes the attention.

He'll keep doing it until you put a stop to it.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/09/2011 16:13

I think he likes the closeness because it feels nice but isn't going to give you more. It doesn't matter why. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, I think you should believe him. This just looks like a situation that will hurt you. Very much. Sad

pchip · 04/09/2011 16:14

You're not going to like what I'm going to have to say, but here goes.

I don't think he's leading you on at all. He said what his intentions were. Twice.

What I don't get is why YOU continued to flirt with him after the man didn't want to kiss you.

At that point, if he tried the strokey-lovey crap with me, I would look him in the eye and ask him what the f he thought he was doing, and if this is the way he behaves will all platonic friends including male.

Once he told you he wasn't interested in you romantically, you should have believed him.

Frankly, I think he's just flattered by your attention and I'm sorry to be harsh, but he probably thinks you are TOTALLY into him and are pursuing him.

brookeslay · 04/09/2011 16:15

ditto grumpypants. Explain to the man your not on the rebound, you thought the connection between you was mutual so going doing a relationship road slowly not rushing into things.

A friend I know had coffee every week for two months just to chat with a guy before they decided on a basis of a possible relationship

Catslikehats · 04/09/2011 16:18

He is a twat.

Relationships are fun. You shouldn't have to waste time figuring him out, although to be fair he has been fairly explicit that he is not interested. He is messing you about. Get rid.

MmmmmCake · 04/09/2011 16:24

i probably would have said goodnight after he rejected your snog the first time

cant be doing with gameplayers and all that malarky. He doesnt want a relationship but wants touchy feely? No thanks too much hard work there

frazzle26 · 04/09/2011 16:35

Move away before you get more hurt. If something was going to happen it would have happened last night. Sorry to sound so blunt.

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 16:37

I guess Im just a bit of a mug then :(

OP posts:
chris123456 · 04/09/2011 16:38

pick the phone up!!!!!!

lazarusb · 04/09/2011 16:39

Sad Sorry it turned out like that. You sound nice and I had my fingers crossed for you. If he suggests meeting up again I would tell him that you don't want to be just friends but as he isn't interested you think it's better not to see him alone again. He's playing with your emotions for whatever reason and that isn't fair on you. If he has a problem that you've slept with more men than he has women, he needs to grow up. He can't judge you by your past, only what you are now. Maybe he doesn't like the fact you took the initiative and tried to kiss him? In retrospect, you are better off without him either way.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 16:42

I would text back and say something like "I think one of us has to be clear- it's probably best if we don't see each other for a while."

Then stop replying to anything he texts back, and delete his number.

Schnarkle · 04/09/2011 16:42

He wants a relationship just probably not with you OP. He'll use you for the emotional closeness to fill that void until Ms. Right shows her face then he'll scarper leaving you behind.

Been there worn the tshirt. He's an emotional user. But look at what it's doing to you already. You're blaming his not wanting you on your old life style. There MUST be something wrong with you that he's not interested, it's all your fault.

When in fact this is all him. You're being decent and open and honest with him, he's playing the game.

Put your energies into someone that will appreciate them.