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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so upset- fucking git.

217 replies

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 14:14

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 04/09/2011 17:57

Questions questions....

Poor you- what an idiot- him, not you Smile

When you knew him before, was it purely platonic- he's not an ex?

What do you know of his relationship history?

I have read 70% of the thread but not all- so any chance he is gay or still a virgin? or do his religious views prohibit full sex, or even pre- commitment sex?

The erection is meaningless- sorry- but he could get one without you being there!

If he was a woman behaving like this , she'd be called a cock teaser.

He led you on- fondling under clothes, you sitting astride him, flirting etc- is sexual behaviour. If he doesn't fancy you, or doesn't want anything other than friendship then he should not behave like that.

After his little "speech" he should have gone and sat on another chair in the room and stopped the physical contact.

I think because this relationship is so unequal in its early stages, you are always going to be on the back foot- and that's not a good place to be- is it?

You have 2 choices, IMO_ keep it very cool, see him as part of your group but don't go on dates with him. Or, tell him you feel messed about and just cold shoulder him. If you do the latter he will deny it all as in his mind he was being upfront with you last night.

Really sorry- it's not a nice place to be at.

lazarusb · 04/09/2011 18:02

Actually Nearly, the next time he speaks to you, tell him that you are categorically NOT interested in his head fuck technique and to leave you alone. Then delete his number/e-mail etc. and keep all other social contact to a polite, but absolute minimum. He is messing with your head, heart and body. You deserve more than that. Ramp up your self-respect and walk away.

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 18:19

AmeliaGrey we were friends as teenagers used to meet in social circles then for about 6 mths we used to go out alone to cinema, bowling etc. Shared a few kisses too. He said to me the other night (not last night but two weeks ago when we me the first time for years) that he hough "we've always had a close connection"

Bugger, Ive fallen for a controlling wanker havent I. :(

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 04/09/2011 18:23

You have feelings for a controlling wanker, that is all.
You dont have to act on them.
Take a step back, look objectively at him, and before long it will be clear just how much of a screw-up/player he is.

When you meet someone who is not a game player and doesn't try out his "moves" on you, you will look back and laugh at this loser.

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 19:27

The little chat and then sitting there stroking afterwards is absolutely NO different to the thread here where the woman's DP kicked her.

They are BOTH testing out behaviour to see what they can get away with...

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 19:30

Thanks you all again. I've decided not to call or text him. I don't feel comfortable asking him why he doesn't want me, would feel too needy and humiliated and that's not me. It's a shame as when we first got in touch and met 2 wkd ago I actually dared to think that he may be the "one". It just hurts so much more than if he just said "sorry don't fancy you" or if we didn't get on so well.

I'll keep you all updated in the unlikely event that there are any developments.

OP posts:
NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 19:34

Actually I feel similar to having been kicked. I have a horrible nauseating feeling in my stomach. The kisses and lovel time last time, then the talking each day, cute texts etc then him making the first move last night cuddling up and putting his arm around me then his little speech then more cuddles and touching.

Yep, he's kicked me emotionally.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 19:39

HE failed YOU here, not the other way around. It's HIS problem he's an arse, not yours. Think yourself LUCKY you find out now and not when he's totally destroyed your spirit.

ShoutyHamster · 04/09/2011 19:39

He's a twat... a far-too-pleased-with-himself, fanjo-teasing TWAT.

Sorry.

Yes he does know exactly what he's doing (what with, y'know, not having lived on another planet until now) - he was pushing to see just how much teasing and flirting he could get away with before making you make the move. Then he gets the kick out of rebuffing you. Seriously, there is little other way to see it. Goodness knows why - maybe he just gets a kick out of the tease, maybe he does intend after a while to 'give in' and let you sleep with him, having set the scene that you know he doesn't want a relationship etc. so he keeps you on a string. Maybe there is someone else in his sights who he does really fancy, so although he likes a bit of tickling fun (who doesn't?) he's playing it safe because he has no intention of being seen as your boyfriend.

The only thing that is TOTALLY clear is that he is completely willing to mess you around. And be a sanctimonious little dickhead whilst he does it... please, move on, move on, move on!!! You can do about thirty million times better, and give yourself about thirty million times less stress whilst you do so!

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 19:43

Shouty hamster your last paragraph just made me cry because it's so right. I have deep down confidence issueS and he's hurting me so much. I am too good for him! :)

OP posts:
brabbinsandfyffe · 04/09/2011 19:44

Exactly what shoutyhamster said I fear. I've been on the receiving end of similar before now, didn't put a stop to it and ended up feeling like I'd actually helped him halve my self esteem as a result. Sorry but if he's like this now, he isn't thinking enough about your feelings, just his own.

brabbinsandfyffe · 04/09/2011 19:46

Cross posted, and a hug for you. Onwards and upwards from this one; relationships are supposed to strengthen us, not bring us down! x

beatenbyayellowteacup · 04/09/2011 19:55

NearlySpring you deserve way better than this. Keep telling yourself that even when you have your down moments.

Imagine the warm, easy, loving, fun, trustworthy relationship you really want. Then keep this guy where he belongs - nowhere near you.

chris123456 · 04/09/2011 19:56

I dont believe this - you both obviously really like each other - you have history - not talking is unbelievable!

dreamingbohemian · 04/09/2011 19:58

chris, with all due respect, are you fucking kidding?

It is not obvious he likes her, he plays with her physically while telling her they can't ever have a relationship. That's mental.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 04/09/2011 19:59

Chris you've obviously not met these kind of guys before.

He's said it plain and clear that there's no relationship on offer. Yet he's prepared to play with OP's heartstrings. He knows what he's doing.

This is not a good guy.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 20:01

What rot, Chris. Are you a masochist? Or just unable to recognise a game player when you see one?

chris123456 · 04/09/2011 20:07

All I said was talk - no one here knows him except op and yet he's been called all kind of names - op doesn't know where she stands, so I said why dont you talk? not text, talk and ask your questions. I dont see how that can be humiliating - they are both adults and ought to be able to articulate a grown up conversation that will get op the answers she needs in a dignified way.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 20:09
  1. We do know him. All too well.

  2. OP does know where she stands: he's already told her.

  3. Are you freakin' kidding me?

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 04/09/2011 20:13

He is a walking ego

You have shown incredible insight in realising what a cock he is so quickly, I think most of us have been taken in by someone like this and it certainly took me much longer to realise that I was too good for him.

Good for you!

Tota1Xaos · 04/09/2011 20:14

run for the hills. relationships shouldnt be this hard work.

chris123456 · 04/09/2011 20:15

Why is she posting if that is the case? She's looking for some advice and I've offered some.

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 20:20

chris1234whatever You're new. Hmm

We have a phrase here on Relationships

ACTIONS not words

This guy is telling her all kinds of things, reasons why she and he can't be together, but his ACTIONS are designed to give other impressions/hopes/reactions.

Whether he is card-carrying abusive or not, who knows, but there are red flags aplenty, and TBH with any chance of abuse, it's best to err on the side of caution and Avoid, avoid, avoid.

She could talk to this guy until the Second Coming, but it won't stop him deliberately and cynically confusing her. Her instinct is telling her something isn't right, WE are telling her it probably isn't right.

If OP continues like this, IMHO her self esteem will be destroyed and she could find herself in a very unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 20:21

Chris I do appreciate your advice, as I do everyone who as posted. I will talk to him next time I see him, in person not on the phone. :) x

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 04/09/2011 20:24

have just read through the thread. I was really pleased to read your last few posts! I think you are right not to contact him any more. He may be the loveliest bloke in the world which he isn't, but if a frindship (let along a blossoming relationship is this much hard work then it is wrong. wrong, wrong!

Friendships are supposed to be loving and supportive things...this one just seems to be sucking the life out of you! At no point do i see what you are getting from this.

You really deserve so much more that this. Cut him loose and find someone worthy of you.