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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so upset- fucking git.

217 replies

NearlySpring · 04/09/2011 14:14

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. :( I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! :)" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! :)"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? :(

OP posts:
IQuiteLikeVodka · 05/09/2011 14:14

That too hold... I would put money on it. Sorry this is happening to you OP :(

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 15:34

shoutyhamster 's first paragraph should cover it nicely

Proudnscary · 05/09/2011 15:48

Gay, time-wasting, attention-seeking twitface.

Change his name to NO POINT on your phone and SACK HIM OFF.

piratecat · 05/09/2011 17:08

I think that as the days go by, and you distance yourself from that evening, you will be stronger and more able to say 'you know what, sod you'.

Emotive situations like this can smack you in the face, and you lose your sense of perspective, but it's temporary.

I think, you know he's not the one op, you just wanted him to be.

MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 18:20

I agree with AF (as I pretty much always do Wink)...cut him off and shouty Hamster says it perfectly.

Seriously, any decent person would be ashamed of this behaviour...but especially someone who claims to be christian, don't you think?

lazarusb · 05/09/2011 18:34

I don't think you need any cutting remarks or answers for him - he hasn't given you any.

LeBOF · 05/09/2011 18:35

I mean this kindly, but why did you spend so long chatting to him last night? And are you replying to his "Goodnight, sweet dreams" texts? Because you are coming across in complicit in this shoddy treatment. You really do need to give him a bit of the cold blast treatment, not encourage him.

Do you feel able to do that? Because of you don't, he will just see this as the green light to keep messing you about.

piratecat · 05/09/2011 18:58

yep don't collaborate in his aim to fuck you over anymore op.

AuntieMaggie · 05/09/2011 19:16

I unfortunately agree he seems to be treating you as a stop gap, using you to fulfil his affection needs while he waits for something else to come along.

Just ignore any messages from him.

whojimmyflip · 05/09/2011 19:18

Exactly! You don't want a 'friend' for long conversations and non sexual stroking ( winding you up and leaving you reeling), you want a fulfilling relationship. So let him know that by not colluding in this nonsense.

I wasted a long time having non sexual intimate relations ( I know) with someone totally getting off on my attentions whilst refusing to engage with how into him i was and rejecting me over and over again ( didnt fancy me he said but was always cuddling up, stroking etc etc) When we finally did get round to actually going somewhere ( I lost weight so presumably he fancied me enough to try) his tongue was like sandpaper and he had a small cornichon in his pants. Very disappointing.

ameliagrey · 05/09/2011 20:11

Sweet, nice men are often gay- and many women say their best male friends are gay- and why can't they be straight!

But in this case,he is just playing.

Funny how a snog= a relationship for him? Confused

I suppose f he were a real cad, he would have shagged you and run.

The chance was there.

Which implies hehas a problem.

I mean it's not as if he said "let's take this slowly..."

He just pulled back from a kiss.

Which to him meant you were deffo going to have to have a relationship thereafter.

Hmmmmmmmm..

beatenbyayellowteacup · 05/09/2011 20:36

Or, he might have some screwy uptight ideas about sex because of his religion. It's been known to happen.

Or he might be gay.

Or he might just be a nasty player.

Or he might just be utterly messed up and his ego needs heavy petting.

Either way, and it doesn't matter really, you need to ignore his texts and give him some serious cold shoulder. Take control of this situation and protect yourself.

KittyBump · 05/09/2011 21:00

Hi OP, This is very reminiscent of a friendship I had with a boy. Throughout high school and college, there was a lot of flirting, playing about and eventually kissing but it never really went anywhere. I was crazy about him and even based my choice of college on where he was going (big mistake!).
Years later he was at uni in London and we arranged to meet up, just before I arrived at his flat he sent me a text saying, I hope you like my boyfriend, he'll be joining us for dinner! I was rather surprised but really it made sense as he was pretty camp too. He has been married to a lovely man for about 7 years now. I wish he'd been able to tell me earlier as it really fucked with my self esteem and wasted a lot of my time, I hope you get some answers soon

MysteriousHamster · 05/09/2011 21:05

I understand the most frustrating thing of all must be not getting a reason. He is either messing with you and slightly enjoys having the power/knowledge, or it is something he can't find a way to express (eg because he's gay). If he won't tell you, despite apparently being a good friend, then he's not much of a friend at all and you need to protect yourself by not falling into his traps. Good luck :)

NearlySpring · 05/09/2011 21:10

it really helps having you all offer me such kind words and also to hear that so many others have been through similar situations. Well Ive been busy today and haven't contacted him at all, been trying not to think about him but I admitI have a few times during the day. He's not been in touch either so perhaps he's feeling guilty about how he's treated me or perhaps he's just planning another head fuck or perhaps he doesnt even have a fucking clue how much he's hurt me!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 21:12

I vote he doesn't have a clue

But you do...so no more letting him piss you about...ok ?

cerealqueen · 05/09/2011 21:25

OP, I've been there .....get out now before you become more emotionally entangled. He is getting off on the attention and and it is feeding his ego, even if he won't admit it to himself because he is gay/religious/has another GF in his sights. You've told him his behaviour is messing with you and he carries on in his texts with his 'xxx' to reel you in. Don't let him get away with it please. I'm betting you have plenty of friends - you don't need him so delete his number and him from your life.

ShoutyHamster · 05/09/2011 21:28

'Yes, let's meet up, sounds a great idea. Let me check my diary... How about never? Is never good for you?'

Grin
MigratingCoconuts · 05/09/2011 21:28

you do need to try and stop obsessing about him. I'd also bet that he isn't thinking of you nearly as much as you are about him.

Stop hoping he'll get better! cereal is absolutely right

PercyFilth · 05/09/2011 21:51

Funny how a snog= a relationship for him?

I can kind of understand that, because for some people, deep kissing is more intimate than intercourse. (Hence prostitutes not allowing clients to kiss them.)

Anyway, it does sound to me that he's gay, and is in denial (I expect the religion has a lot to do with the denial). So I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he has problems, it's his head that is fucked up, and the OP is collateral damage.

I don't think he's deliberately setting out to mess her about, part of him might want to have a relationship with her, but his true nature keeps putting the brakes on because what he really needs is another bloke. Both of them are victims here, I reckon.

NearlySpring · 05/09/2011 22:42

He just emailed me "hey, how are you? Hope you've had a lovely day. Work
was long and tiring today xx"

I haven't replied and have intentions of replying (proud) but seriously. It's not like he had anything important to say. Knowing the situation you would think he'd back off and give me some space. Texting or emailing every day at least once without fail isn't normal in a platonic realtionship. Not if any of my mates are to go by it isn't.

Cock.

OP posts:
NearlySpring · 05/09/2011 22:43

No intentions I mean.. NO intensions.
Bloody typo!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 22:47

yes, cock

now leeeeeeeeeeeve iiiiiit Grin

aleene · 05/09/2011 22:47

Stay strong NS, stay strong. No replies!

beatenbyayellowteacup · 05/09/2011 22:48

Well done you. Delete.

And yes, he's being a cock Angry