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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
G1nger · 22/08/2011 18:05

You should be angry. Disgusted and angry. A late term abortion because he's changed his mind? Yuck...

You two need to talk and get to the bottom of why he's panicking (which I think he is) like this.

Kayano · 22/08/2011 18:06

Well he is not BU to suggest it is an option if he doesn't want another kid.

You however can simply say 'errr no'

I also can't help you understand his reasoning because from the OP it doesn't seem like you have discussed it with him.

Sit down, have a heart to heart and make your decisions

summertimeblews · 22/08/2011 18:08

why has he changed his mind? have you discussed it properly

ObiWan · 22/08/2011 18:09

Has he actually suggested an abortion? Even if he has, I really can't believe he would be serious.

Have you tried to get to the bottom of his change of heart? It might just be cold feet, not uncommon or long lasting usually.

ChocolateTeacup · 22/08/2011 18:10

You need to have a big non emotional talk, also, do your research and make sure he is aware of what an abortion would consist of at this late stage, as well as the babies current stage of development within the womb

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:11

We've discussed it over and over. From what I can gather it stems from two very awful pre term births with our last two DS. (both of whom are fine now) I can't promise him that everything will be ok because no one knows how these things will turn out. I know that I can't go through with what he is asking of me but I'm terrified of this breaking us.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 22/08/2011 18:11

If he won't tell you why he has had this abrupt change of heart, show him photos of an 18 week old foetus and ask him if he still wants or expects you to abort his child at this very late stage.

If he says yes, tell him that you need time to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with him and that, while you are considering your position, you feel it would be in the best interests of all concerned (including your dc) if he took himself off to stay elsewhere.

pozzled · 22/08/2011 18:13

It sound like he is having a panic about another DC. Which is understandable. But he must understand that a late term abortion when you've decided to keep the baby is a huge deal. He has no right to ask it of you.

I think you need a long talk about why he has changed his mind and how upset it has made you.

Kayano · 22/08/2011 18:13

Izzy it isn't a three about the rights and wrongs of abortion or late abortion for that matter

It seems more like her DH is having cold feet and they have discussed nothing to get to the bottom of it

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 18:13

Please don't have an abortion, as it is clear that you do not want to.

(From a pro-choice feminist.)

Just keep talking.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:16

Thanks for the replies. It's heart breaking. I know how blessed I am to have my DCs and know that I can not do this. I know he's scared of dealing with a possible premie again but the other option isn't something I can stomach thinking about.

The fact that he has suggested it repulses me. I obviously don't know him at all. Sad

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/08/2011 18:17

Sounds like he might actually scared of losing the baby, or of complications if there's another pre-term birth. Seems strange logic to abort as a way to avoid loss.

Perhaps specialist counselling (together and / or separately) might help?

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:17

Plus he's always said that he wants us to be a 4 DC household and had the nerve to say that in 12 months he might ask me for another after he said that he wants me to have an abortion.

OP posts:
Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 18:20

Another vote for keep talking, YANBU, and I would point out that a few days of uneasiness vs 17 or so weeks of been over the moon needs to be put to him.

Surely your previous experiences ran through his mind from the minute you both knew for certain? It's outrageous with no other new developments to ask you to even entertain this and he needs to come to terms with the fact it's going to happen and that option has long since gone / would never have been considered (delete as appropriate) and don't fucking bring it up again.

In your shoes I think I would be considering what my plan would be if he insists on having a complete meltdown over it all and it comes to ultimatums between you.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:20

He's had such a tough time with our last DS. He was 8 weeks early (our other was 10 weeks early) and we had him home after 3 weeks. He'd been home a week or so and caught a cold and his lungs collapsed and was on life support for a month. I know it's destroyed him but I just can't stomach his sudden change of heart.

I've suggested counselling, I've been but he refuses point blank to come. I'm at a loss.

OP posts:
pozzled · 22/08/2011 18:20

Is there any reason to think this one might be pre-term as well? If that is his concern, I'd suggest getting as much medical information together as possible and calmly discussing the risks/implications. If he is exaggerating the chance of a premature birth, it might help to show him some statistics. Or get him to talk to your MW or consultant about what they will be doing to monitor you etc.

Have the last two births caused any health implications for you? Could he be worried about your health as well as the baby?

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 18:20

Cross posted - send him to his mothers till he sorts his head out - he's an absolute twat.

Dozer · 22/08/2011 18:21

What he's said is extreme, but can (kind-of) see how, having been through difficult births and the follow-up, in a state of anxiety and dark thinking, someone might come up with his conclusion.

Doesn't make it the right conclusion, obviously!

twinklytroll · 22/08/2011 18:22

I would be furious and would find it very difficult to carry on the relationship with him. I would understand that for the sake of the other children that we would need to sort it out but I would be bloody angry.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/08/2011 18:23

That's kind of crazy reasoning, isn't it? He's worried that the baby might be premature and therefore might be in danger of dying. So he wants you to have it induced very very early so that it will definitely die. Hmm

Why would the risk of pre-term birth be any less in a year or two? Wouldn't it actually be greater, as you had a late abortion and would be that much older yourself into the bargain?

Sounds quite weird, to be honest.

HalfTermHero · 22/08/2011 18:24

You should tell him that he is being a cunt. To gladly celebrate your pregnancy then change his mind at 18 weeks and ask you to abort - not on by any wild stretch. I would reconsider my relationship with him. Is this a man worth having? He is a heartless coward who has no backbone. He would rather you suffer and the baby die then his little life be disrupted by the possibility of a premature baby. I'd be divorcing this excuse of a man.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/08/2011 18:24

... or, what Dozer said.

MorallyBankrupt · 22/08/2011 18:24

18 weeks Shock by the time it happened you'd probably be near enough 23 weeks at which point babies have survived. What a horrifying suggestion Shock

If DH suggested I abort a baby at that stage it would hugely change my opinion of him.

Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2011 18:24

OP don't feel as though you don't 'know' him, you have just never known him in this possible panicked state. He is avoiding facing a situation that you thinks he cannot cope with, in his confused state, he thinks he has picked an easy answer. I would suggest a support group as he needs to open up about this, acknowledge what it is he fears, to overcome them.

It is coming across that you definately want this baby, so do not be swayed. Your marriage may not survive if you make a decision that you are not happy with, anyway.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:24

Theres been no medical reason found for the other two premies, just "one of those things". My health is good and ive come out of everything fine.

Sending him to his mothers is a fab idea, I can't stand the sight of him.

OP posts:
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