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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
MorallyBankrupt · 22/08/2011 18:25

That should say near enough 22 weeks as I think t would take around 3 weeks to sort it all out.

pozzled · 22/08/2011 18:26

Well it sounds like you've done all you can and it's up to him to sort his feelings out. If you've made it clear that a termination is NOT an option, he had better start facing up to the future and looking forward to the baby's arrival.

I think if I were you and he wasn't prepared to do that, I'd ask him to leave until he could start acting sensibly again.

Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2011 18:27

X post, you both need support, if he will not get it, then it is up to him to walk away.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:28

Thank you so much everyone. I do want this baby so so much. After going through what we went through with our DSs, every baby is so much more precious than I though possible.

I'm going to tell him that I need some space, as does he, until we know if we can be together WITH our baby.

OP posts:
summertimeblews · 22/08/2011 18:28

send him to his mothers till he sorts his head out - he's an absolute twat.

no he isnt, he is a frightened confused man who doesnt want to go through the pain of seeing a child nearly die. You need to keep talking and reassuring him.

if the OP was the one saying she wants an abortion, there would be a flood of "do what you want OP, its your choice"

sometimes men get a bloody rough deal where pregnancies are concerned

lachesis · 22/08/2011 18:29

YANBU. I'd tell him to go to hell, tbh. If he doesn't want another kid he needs to go get a vasectomy or take his chances.

Dozer · 22/08/2011 18:29

He's totally out-of-order, obviously, but you've both been through an awful lot and he may be just having a total freak-out and thinking/suggesting the unthinkable. That's obviously not OK, but doesn't necessarily merit the name-calling or calls for divorce etc on here.

Sometimes after stuff like this happens, people can be irrational, e.g. think that they're pushing their luck to have another one (since the last times there were problems it was OK, maybe next time it won't be....) and the dark thoughts overtake rationality.

Is a shame that he won't seek help.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:30

birds how ever much I hate him right now, and I really do, I see his pain. He's like a lost little boy. I can't help him though so he needs to help himself before I walk away.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 22/08/2011 18:31

Oh and p.s. I am very, very sorry that you in this situation.

He may stop panicking and pull himself together and apologise. He sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance for reasons that you have not fully got to the bottom of yet.

Men depend hugely sometimes for their own identity on financial security. Could that be it?

Hope you get the support you need from him eventually, and from here.

lachesis · 22/08/2011 18:32

'no he isnt, he is a frightened confused man who doesnt want to go through the pain of seeing a child nearly die. You need to keep talking and reassuring him.'

Then he should have done the mature thing and had a vasectomy to avoid any more children.

He doesn't want to see a child nearly die but wants to abort a baby that far along?

It's not her job to reassure him of jack. He's a grown up.

HalfTermHero · 22/08/2011 18:32

Good for you, Op. You should not be bullied into even considering aborting what is for you a much wanted baby. Good luck and I hope that he gives you space for as long as it takes for you to be able to tolerate being near him again.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2011 18:36

I am speechless

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 18:38

Actually Summertime that was my comment after reading that he wants to try again within the year - you know after been chuffed about the pregnancy till now and wanting 4 dc's......

I'm sorry if he's having a hard time given what's happened, and believe it or not I think he needs support but not at the OP's expense. Breevander has been through exactly the same as him and the last thing she needs is to be led by someone obviously not coping and demanding huge decisions to be made off the back of their misgivings. She's not the only person in this scenario who needs to be considering their partners feelings.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 22/08/2011 18:39

Have you got someone that can come and stay the night? A friend or family member? It's a devastating thing to be told by your DP.

I think the suggestion of sending him to his mother's combined with a. 'That's not going to happen,' is a good plan. You need someone to come and support you.

HansieMom · 22/08/2011 18:40

You've seen the baby move? Saw her little profile. Felt her kicking. And now he wants to kill her. What a guy.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 18:41

If the OP had come along and said she was 18 weeks and considering an abortion because she'd changed her mind, I doubt very much she'd get the sort of responses you're implying summertime.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and this baby's presence is being very much felt. I can't imagine DH telling me now he'd changed his mind and wanted me to abort. I'd never forgive him.

SardineQueen · 22/08/2011 18:42

Good luck OP. I don't know what else to say.

Is there a possibility he wasn't serious when he said it ?

The having another in a year or 2 thing is just awful. I'm so sorry.

Dozer · 22/08/2011 18:42

If the partner is packed off, even temporarily, is there anyone to help OP with the DCs?

mathanxiety · 22/08/2011 18:43

He started off all happy about it, then got cold feet (purely selfish motives here too), yet "had the nerve to say that in 12 months he might ask me for another after he said that he wants me to have an abortion.."

Gives me the impression that he sees himself as your lord and master and that you are some sort of baby machine that he can turn on and off at will (his will).

His only reasonable alternative to saving himself from the pain of watching a baby struggle is to have a vasectomy, not make demands on you to bear babies or abort on command.

This also smacks of a man who can't bear to see someone else stealing attention away from him. No doubt he played second potato while all eyes were on you during pregnancy and then on the babies who were premature as they struggled...

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 18:45

OP , When he he drop this bombshell onto you? Just this evening?

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 18:48

YANBU - for one thing he should have said something a lot earlier if he didn't want another child, preferably before you were even pregnant. An abortion at this late stage is not a trivial thing physically or emotionally - does he realise this? Sometimes men seem to have the attitude of 'oh you can just get an abortion', as though it's like waving a magic wand and just not being pregnant any more. It's not like that.

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 18:49

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest that an early abortion is a trivial thing - it's obviously not a decision to take lightly at any stage, and it has to be what you feel is right.

hairylights · 22/08/2011 18:52

Yanbu. Changing his mind after agreeing to continue is out of order Nd 18 weeks is very late.

I would suggest a more robust form of contraception for the future though.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 18:52

He is BU to phrase it this way since he knows what your choice would be, and so asking implies it isn't your choice (and he would be being as unreasonable if the condom had broken and you were four days pregnant and happy about it).

But he would not BU to try and tell you he is worried about this pregnancy, that the the potential suffering ahead is horrible to him and has only just hit home now he sees your body changing once more, and that he's shit scared. If you, who know him better than us, think that is basically what he's doing, in a hurtful and offensive manner, then you would be a totally lovely person (UABU+++++++) for ignoring the hurt and engaging.

How are you feeling? Are you not worried about this too? Did you talk about this before pregnancy, or only about having a fourth kid.

I hope you both get the support you need, not least from each other.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 18:54

Sorry, UAN%BU++++++ Terrible typo

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