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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 19:35

Sorry, he asked you to have an abortion or he panicked away in silence? if the first, then the Op should really take heart, what a brave and honest post.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/08/2011 19:35

It occurs to me that should you go ahead with termination there is no guarantee you will be able to conceive again and then what would you do? I know you want to have this baby, and I am just thinking aloud, but your dh needs to think of this. It could be your last chance of another baby.

LolaRennt · 22/08/2011 19:35

I couldn't bring myself to be with someone who did this to me. Especially if my dh knew that 18 weeks we were not that not long off the age of viability (as a father of preterm children would know).

I actually find myself hoping this is a troll I'm not accusing you at all btw would just prefer to believe that than a husband could do this to his wife.

Anyway OP
YANBU

LunaticFringe · 22/08/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sofabitch · 22/08/2011 19:36

Was that to me? If it was He begged asked me to have an abortion.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 19:43

Thank you so so much again everyone, you have given me courage in my conviction! I will pull out our baby development book and sit and have a chat with him this evening. I still need him to leave for a while though. MNetters are amazing for how they can make a lost and frightened person feel so much better. Smile

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 22/08/2011 19:44

It's not his decision so it's up to you.

You want the baby. I would imagine 18 wks with 3rd pregnancy it is pretty obvious you are pg. No woman ought to be asked to choose baby over husband. The baby will always win.

You can have infertility problems after terminations so saying he may want a fourth baby at some point may not pan out how he thinks.

Stick to your guns, refusing a termination is not grounds for divorce and if it came to that a barrister would have a field day with maintainance (sp?).

If you work give it up and be sahm, you get more in the courts.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 19:44

Sofabitch. yes, but irrelevant now. But you are a very wonderful for person, for how you acted to him and for posting here.

DuelingFanjo · 22/08/2011 19:45

I agree Kayano. This isn't the time to be beating your husband with pictures of foetuses. Surely the point is that he is asking you to do something you don;t want to do and that should be the basis of your discussions. Not the age of the foetus and the reality of a late abortion.

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 19:49

What does he mean by 'his decision' that he's not going back on? You having an abortion or not is not his decision to make either way, surely he realises that?

As for what we'd say in this case if the genders were reversed - that's a bit of a meaningless comparison as obviously pregnancy and abortion are not symmetrical or equivalent experiences for a man and a woman. Maybe consider if both the partners were women, one pregnant and the other insisting on an abortion? I think we'd still be clear that the final decision is and should be up to the person who'd be actually undergoing the abortion. It's not about gender or men not being entitled to an opinion, it's the fact that the OP is the one who is pregnant, not her DH.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 19:57

Lola how I wish I was a troll. It's taken a lot of thinking before posting on here.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 22/08/2011 19:59

Lola meant this is so awful it would be good if it weren't true.

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 20:00

And we all hope you are finding support here.

LolaRennt · 22/08/2011 20:01

There is nothing wrong with the OP reminding her dh exactly what he is asking of her by showing him a book (it isn't using "anti abortion tactics"). If he is going to make reqests, best he knows what he is requesting.

DH just about knows I am 16 weks pg, he couldn't tell you what that actually means though.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 20:01

Sorry Lola, just hormonal and hurting.

OP posts:
LolaRennt · 22/08/2011 20:03

Thank you linerunner that is what i meant

mathanxiety · 22/08/2011 20:05

I think the point of this is that he seems to think he has some sort of rights over your body, and not altogether what stage of development the foetus is at. He can't just use you as a baby incubator when he feels like it.

He could easily dismiss concerns about foetal development. He could logically state any pro-choice argument to press for an abortion because the basic premise that it's ok to abort up to the time of natural birth could be used by him in order to argue strenuously for an abortion even in the face of pictures or the pregnancy book.

But he doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to his attitude to your body and your fertility. Same goes for making unilateral decisions about when or if you have a baby. As Adela pointed out, he made that decision with you when you had sex without effective contraception. You had already discussed the possibility of having four children. You already proceeded to act on the assumption that sprang from that decision, to have unprotected sex or ineffective contraception. He has no right to now turn around and make a separate one of his own and insist you comply.

This matter is about power in the relationship and who ultimately gets to make decisions.

Georgimama · 22/08/2011 20:10

If you had an abortion you didn't want could you forgive him? I doubt it. I couldn't.

Feel so so so sorry for you. Be strong. Don't be bullied.

stripeywoollenhat · 22/08/2011 20:12

i'm going to charitably take the view that your dp is suffering some sort of ptsd type episode, i think you are right to ask him to leave for now. he needs to sort himself out, perhaps via counselling - what is absolutely certain is that what's he's asking is so far from reasonable that if it isn't some sort of psychological melt down then - well, i wouldn't have him back, tbh.

i'm sorry, this must be awful for you.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 20:13

georgimama that's just the word that I was thinking. I feel bullied. I could never forgive him if I was weak and went through with it but I also don't think I can forgive him for changing his mind.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 22/08/2011 20:19

I wouldn't want an abortion too. If my DH made me have an abortion it would be the end of me and us. I would never forgive myself and would hold him responsible.

Don't be bullied. Stand firm. It's your decision and your body not his. He made his choice to sleep with you a few months ago.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 20:20

I don't think concerns over foetal development are even an abortion issue, but critically they aren't HIS issue, so I'm just thinking that putting them here achieves nothing but to publically play with some dangerous assertions (like saying, erroneously, that terminations cause infertility problems). He is being unreasonable to ask, his reasons are immaterial.

But, as I said, I do really think he genuinely loves you and will love the baby, that he is acting controllingly but not purely from a desire to control. Sometimes people do stupid things when they know they shouldn't say something, mull it over and over and then blurt it out or forget the person they are talking to is not the person they argued with their heads. The test of them is what they then do.

But do not have an abortion, any more than you would do anything else with your body because he told you too. And if he doesn't understand that, then he really shouldn't be having sex with you, because of what he must fear about the freedom of your consent.

HeifferunderConstruction · 22/08/2011 20:21

Have a good sit down and ask him why the sudden change of mind

but remeber wahtever he says ,

YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 20:21

Changing his mind is perhaps something he can do nothing about, ending a relationship for that would be awful. Speaking his mind, however, that's different, and he needs to do something about that. he seems to be trying, but making it worse.

Poor, poor you.

youarekidding · 22/08/2011 20:23

I think you may be right about it being a reaction to premmie births. My cousins LO was born at 23 weeks. She has just turned 1yo. It's been hard and although they both know why it happened (incompetent cervix) and both want more children, they are actually scared of going through it again.

Get your DH to talk, don't ask him, tell him you need to sort this out. Make it clear abortion is not an option for you and he needs to make his decision - and fast.

YANBU, I really hope you sort this out and things work out well for you.