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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
OpinionatedMum · 22/08/2011 18:55

Terrible way to treat you.Sad

Don't do it just because of him.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:56

He told me that's what he wanted 2 days ago and I've been unable to function at all. He keeps saying how sorry he is but he's not going back on his decision. Im staying strong for my other DCs and this precious baby.

He sent me flowers today as an I'm sorry, as if that's going to make it better. He's constantly asking me if I still love him and I just dont have an answer for that. I do but I don't if that makes sense.

It's not a financial concern that's driving it, we are very very lucky on that respect.

I want him to want us Sad

OP posts:
lachesis · 22/08/2011 18:57

Yep, after reading your last post, I agree with mathanxiety.

G1nger · 22/08/2011 18:58

GwendolineMaryLacey - I beg to differ. I think that if the OP was suggesting an abortion at this stage, and it was her partner who wanted to keep it, I think she'd be being grilled similarly. I don't think anyone here is just saying what they're saying because he's a man asking a woman to do something.

mathanxiety · 22/08/2011 19:00

What decision? What decision of his?

It is simply not his decision.

Shred the flowers and put the remains on the doorstep for him to see. And tell him what you have said on this thread, that you now see him as a stranger whose words have revealed a part of him you never suspected and that you and he are now on very shaky ground.

Does he know what he has done to the relationship and to how you now feel about him?

TurkeyBurgerThing · 22/08/2011 19:00

Sounds like he's having a ridiculous freakout. He needs some time to get over himself! Really, what a selfish fool he's being. I don't think men really REALLY properly understand or see pregnancy and childbirth like women do...which is understandable really since they don't actually go through with the whole thing. However he is being stupid.

I think you need to ignore him, tell him it was ok a few weeks ago it'll be ok in a years time.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 19:02

Yes, that's what I mean. The poster I was replying to (summertimeblews)was saying that men get a raw deal and that if it was the OP that wanted out, we'd all be telling her it was her choice hun and to do whatever she wanted to.

if the OP was the one saying she wants an abortion, there would be a flood of "do what you want OP, its your choice"

sometimes men get a bloody rough deal where pregnancies are concerned

pozzled · 22/08/2011 19:03

The decision has already been made. And it was never his decision to make anyway, your joint decision maybe, but ultimately your decision.

Have you said to him, very clearly that you are having the baby whether he likes it or not?

TheOriginalFAB · 22/08/2011 19:08

YANBU but I don't think he is either to share with you how he is feeling. You both are entitled to say what you want and it appears that one of you is not going to get what you want. You need to talk and listen a lot and then see where that gets you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 22/08/2011 19:10

Izzy it isn't a three about the rights and wrongs of abortion or late abortion for that matter

I assume you mean 'thread' Kayano but if you read my initial response you will see that I have not in any way suggested what you have implied.

Since writing my first response, it now appears that the OP's dh is panicking because of past experiences which is understandable, but the time for him to panic was more properly when the OP first became pregnant for the 4th time.

What he is asking the OP to do is unreasonable, and doubly so given that he has suggested having another child at some point after this pregnancy is terminated.

I'm not surprised that you feel repulsed by his suggestion Bree; calmly tell him how he's made you feel and that, as there is no way that you are going to comply with his request, you expect him to shape up for the sake of your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing during your pregnancy and, if he's still got a problem, he should get himself some counselling to deal with his issues.

For the benefit of Kayanoo, I suggested that you show him photos of an 18 week foetus for the sole purpose of concentrating his mind on the enormity of what he has asked you to do. Insodoing, I make no judgement on late termination and will support any decision you make providing only that you have made it of your own free will

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 19:12

He must surely understand that his decision is irrelevant since he made it when he slept with you? Does he really think this is his to ask of you, whatever he's feeling? He is a total arsehole for asking-doesn't matter what his feelings are, he must surely see that?

The second bit really makes me sad though, despite my instant loathing of him for even asking this whatever he felt. I can sort of see him having sat around for ages, trying to deal with his fear, reaching a decision on what he'd do (missing that he never could), then deciding to tell you because he felt and, having done all that, just ploughing on now he has made a horrible error. And, for what it's worth, I think it is motivated by love-a fear of losing a baby, or seeing you suffering again (as well as him), and is based very much in wanting you.

And I think he'll come round, once you make it clear it isn't happening and that the discussion is pointless, and be a good partner and Dad to you and the sixth member of your family.

I knwo it sounds daft, but have you tried just getting him to write down what he feels about the pregnancy NOT the non-decision? Not that you should be compelled to do anything, mind you, but looks like he's going deeped into BU---.

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 19:14

Breevander I feel so angry on your behalf that you've been put in this position, not least because it seems that he just doesn't seem to understand what he's asking and saying/making gestures like you pair have had a tiff over buying a new car!

I really think you need to make it clear this is happening, the time for philosophising was over a long time ago and you need a break from this emotional guilt tripping. If he can't do that while he's under the same roof as you he needs to bed down somewhere else.

Supporting him is all well and good, but you can't be mother, counsellor, and mentor to this man. If it's worth anything I don't say that lightly - my DP is bi-polar and it's broken my heart more than a couple of times to bow out of the picture when it's beyond my capabilities or hurting my own health to be his carer. We've come through those episodes stronger, and I've never said 'this is a forever solution', but I've made it clear there's only so much I can do/live with.

I really hope you two can sort it out and support each other through this, but I also really think you have to work on the basis that it's not going to happen any time soon and it's really not healthy for any of you to have to have to live in this kind of fug.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 22/08/2011 19:14

So he is not even bothered by how its affected you?

Im sorry, but he V selfish, You poor sausage x

Fontsnob · 22/08/2011 19:14

First of all I am sorry to hear you are going through this. An abortion would obviously be the wrong thing for everyone and I doubt your relationship would survive if you did it against your wishes. You do need to decide if it can survive his request. I think he is probably in a bad space in his head and needs help through it. Again you need to decide if you are able to do this.
FWIW I would try my hardest to be understanding of his feelings but at the same time be firm in my decision to keep the baby. He then has the choice to stay or go.

Kayano · 22/08/2011 19:16

I just hate when people get the photographs out :) sorry I did read that as anti abortion

accepts beating

Kayano · 22/08/2011 19:16

Also... My fingers are too fat for my iPhone

Sofabitch · 22/08/2011 19:18

Remind him that an abortion at this late stage would most likely involve you going through full labour and is a pretty traumatic thing to go through when you want the baby.

My dh dis this with dc number 3. He panicked things had been so hard with the first 2 I was really ill and tbh it was hard. I think he panicked. luckily however after several strained months he came home one day with a baby grow burst into tears and apologised. (very rare). He said he panicked. The upshot to all that is dc3 is extra close to him and dh frequently treats him special and whenever I challenge him on it even now 7 years later he says it's because he still feels so guilty for wanting to get rid of him. So it may not turn out that way for you. But don't give up hope x

duchesse · 22/08/2011 19:22

Doers he even know what he's asking you to do? Men can be spectacularly thick about how a foetus develops in utero.

And why the sudden change of heart- you really need to get to the bottom of that.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 22/08/2011 19:22

I agree with izzy. And I am also pro choice.

Poweredbypepsi · 22/08/2011 19:23

My dh said he wanted me to have an abortion when we found out i was pregnant with dc5. I wasnt upset with him for saying it, he is within his rights to have an opion and we do afteral already have 4 children. I told him that i could never have an abortion and that was pretty much the end of it. He is now exctied about the baby etc it WAS just cold feet and a talk about options. I hope that your dp is doing the same albeit very late in the day.

Dont have an abortion at 18 weeks because of him, you sound like you want a baby and although i support womens right to choose tbh i think that it will be a few weeks before you get an abortion and 20 weeks plus is too late to choose an abortion for anything other than medical reasons.

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 19:26

I think Sofabitch's post is bloody good.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 19:28

Whether or not you are pro-choice talking about development, showing pictures all involves toying with classic anti-choice methods.

Most importantly, I'm also not sure it would help, it would just open up another room for distracting 'debate'. Whatever his 'decision' is it wasn't made because he didn't know the foetus was babylike, it was made because he thought it was.

Somehow he needs to understand there isn't a debate, that he may as well decide it isn't raining when it is. And then he can ask for an umbrella, if you're still willing to give it to him. Which I think you should, although UwouldNBU not to.

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 19:29

When you mean 'No' you don't have to justify it with pictures.

AdelaofBlois · 22/08/2011 19:30

I think Sofabitch's post is ace too-but also that he partner was ace in recognising his problem should not be spoken. Question is how the OP's partner can rewind the clock for her, if at all.

Sofabitch · 22/08/2011 19:32

The question I asked myself was would I ever forgive him if I had an abortion. And the answer for me was no. If I had felt pressured to have an abortion the relationship would be over because it would be damaged on a level beyond repair. so I may as well have left him and kept the baby. Ultimately I am pro choice however It is about the woman's choice.