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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 22/08/2011 20:30

Being scared of going through with another pregnancy when you have had previous problems is entirely reasonable. I have just given birth to DC2. In between the two of them I had two miscarriages. I spent the entire pregnancy as a mass of anxiety. For that reason there will be no more planned pregnancies.

What I would not do if I got accidentally pregnant is terminate: it seems nonsensical to react to the fear of losing a child with the certainty of ending its life. However if the OP, as the pregnant woman felt the need to do that it would be her right; the final say as to whether to continue with a pregnancy has to belong to the expectant mother. In this case the pregnant mother wants her baby and is repulsed by the suggestion of termination. End of subject re termination. The only remaining question is where this leaves her relationship with her husband.

PhilipJFry · 22/08/2011 20:31

How horrible and sad. I can't imagine how you must feel now but I wish you the very best in sorting this out, OP. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Poshbaggirl · 22/08/2011 20:33

Sending lots of strength over to you. Its such a lonely and deserted place to be in. Just remember how much we all feel like being there for you.
My best friend told me that her husband made similar noises when they were expecting DC4. He is one of the loveliest kindest men i've EVER known and if he had a wobble then anyone can.
I think he's having a panic, he'll get over it. Dont let it get you down. Lots of support for you here. Smile

PercyPigPie · 22/08/2011 20:34

I don't think he is horrible. I think he is panicked and scared to death of loosing a child. It sounds like you two need to chat this through with some health professionals. Good luck OP Smile

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 22/08/2011 20:40

He must be so scared. That he'd rather make the decision to end it than have you go into labour at anytime and risk the baby. Have your two others been otherwise healthy? Is he thinking your ' luck' is going to run out?

ShoutyHamster · 22/08/2011 20:49

God. How foul. How totally foul.

Of course you won't have a termination OP, I think you are clear on that and it's absolutely the right thing, of course, for you. Please don't distress yourself any further even thinking about it. It isn't going to happen, it's no-one's decision but your own.

The issue is him. His stance here is really quite sickening. So he would like to get rid of this baby -get it induced early so it definitely dies, as someone upthread so eloquently put it - because he is afraid something similar might go wrong at term. Fine for you to go through that and for the baby to die - no problem there, as long as he isn't exposed to potential stress in the future. Then if he fancies it later, you know, in a year or so he feels differently, he'll just make another one on you. Disposable, aren't they?

For someone who is already a father to say this is utterly foul. He is an adult who has accompanied his wife through pregnancy before - he knows what stage you are at in pregnancy, yes? Is he a 'poor, confused man'? I don't think so - I don't see what the confusion is. You are pregnant, you want the baby, he's been here before. Yes if there is a chance of things going awry that is stressful - but his solution would be to definitely cause a worse trauma instead...oh god, it just makes no sense, sadly it doesn't sound like anything but someone opening their mouths and unwittingly giving you a wholly unwelcome insight into a very, very unpleasant side to their character. Get shot of this one because he's not quite sure and you can have another one later.

The bottom line is of course that no loving partner, husband, father even brings up the topic of termination when he knows that his wife fully wants the child she is carrying. To do so is the equivalent of throwing a bomb into the middle of your relationship.

Get him out for a few days at least, OP, so you can be the fuck away from him. I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'd do in your situation, I would never feel the same way about him again. I might stay with him, I don't know, but I KNOW I would feel differently forever about him.

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

mathanxiety · 22/08/2011 20:51

It is the utterly drastic and utterly unacceptable nature of the request and the fact that he made it without concern for this, and his apparent belief you can be mollified by a sodding bunch of flowers and the hint thrown out of another baby in the future (whenever he decides he feels like it) that makes me think this is a very self absorbed person who really does not care at all for the feelings of others, and that at base this is a matter of him becoming terrified of being pushed out of the spotlight, and insanely jealous as your pregnancy became more obvious. I think only something profoundly irrational like jealousy could have provoked the response from him that it did.

HappyCamel · 22/08/2011 20:54

Sounds like he's scared. I can understand that. He's worried about the child if it's preterm, he's worried about the effect on your other little ones, especially if you didnt come out if it well.

By his reasoning an abortion allows him to control the situation and protect you and his kids. I think he needs lots of reassurance and love and to be told, gently, "no" and that it's worth the risk. Maybe he would go to Relate with you to talk it over?

ShoutyHamster · 22/08/2011 20:55

How can OP conclude that he is 'scared to death of losing a child' when this is his solution? No, sorry, what he proposes just indicates that it's HIMSELF he's worried about - not the baby!! How HE feels. The prospect of HIM going through uncertainty and suffering. Him him him. Certainly not OP, whose health and happiness can just go hang, frankly - and certainly not the baby, as we can see. I think his proposition is the clearest indication possible that the baby is really quite far down his list of priorities, wouldn't you say? Sad

What does that say about him as a partner, a dad? I can see exactly why this has rocked the OP. It is awful.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2011 20:58

told gently no ?

needs lots of love and reassurance ?

< has heard it all now >

lachesis · 22/08/2011 20:58

It's one thing to feel this way about a pregnancy. It's another to not keep your mouth shut of respect for the other person's feelings.

Some things are better left in your own mind for the happiness of others, and any adult can see that.

'lots of love and reassurance'. No, he needs to grow the hell up and learn that sometimes you have to be the bigger person and keep your thoughts to yourself.

PhilipJFry · 22/08/2011 20:59

He may very well be terrified of dealing with another premature baby and the anguish that comes along with it. However, my sympathy is limited by the fact that he's gone on to say that he can't promise that after the OP had an abortion he wouldn't then go on to ask her to have another child (in a year or so, I think was said). I just can't understand that at all.

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2011 21:00

oh Bree, this is so sad.

Was your youngest baby more premature than your older, out of the two pre-term babies? Do you think that he is scared that this baby will be even earlier, and be born with severe problems he feel unable to cope with and at the same time parent your other three?

You need to talk to him and find out what it is that he is worried about.

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2011 21:02

I dont think we should give OPs husbands other attributes and theorize too much about his capabilities as a husband and a father thus far.

For all we know he is a perfectly lovely husband and father, who has a "blimp". It is not helpful to assume that he is selfish, only thinks about himself, etc. It may not be the case.

Namechangedman · 22/08/2011 21:15

I hate to comment here. It is OP's choice to have baby because she is pregnant. End of.

But I do think you might go easy on the husband. My partner had two miscarriages (her words) before her first successful pregnancy, one very late term. During her third pregnancy I rolled over in the night, snuggled up against her gorgeous pregnant body, kissed her head and then, suddenly, was in a world where I was holding her as she cried in pain and misery, not in the bed at all. When I was alone with our second child and he stopped breathing I carried him into A&E, fainted once the doctors took him off me, and was once again back in our first flat, mopping blood off the floor and trying not to cry and literally could not understand what the hospital was until I saw my son again. Only weeks later, when he had recovered, did I finally seek help.

What I'm trying to say, and hate doing so because it shouldn't be about him, is that however much you've thought about things, however much you've planned, however much you kid yourself that you have dealt with your fears since the 'problem' is solved, the reality of your partner's changing body can trigger things for you in ways you couldn't plan for at all. And I had only been through watching my partner miscarry, not the fear of losing an actual child (that came later).

I would never have done what the OP did. But I can understand his fear and where it comes from. But if he wants children he will have to face the reality of his partner's body and the risks of premature births, he can't wish it away for the future as he's trying to. How he is acting shows how scared he is, but for his sake too those fears need facing since his solution, running from, them just means he too has no chance of future children.

It's not the OP's job to do anything to help him. She seems great in not just leaving for good. But he does need to try and find help to deal with his fears, not just a public slagging off which will make it harder for them to eventually talk and deal with this.

MoominsAreScary · 22/08/2011 21:18

I'm sure op said first was 10 weeks second was 8

My second was 5 weeks and third was 8 weeks I'm pg with dc 4
I suffer from premature rupture of membranes and will be having a cervical scan at 23 weeks, apparently they can some times tell if your at risk this way of pre term birth

I'd explain to him how long it could take for a termination and that you would have to give birth, if you have made the decision to keep the baby I would make this clear to him and see what he says to that

Feminine · 22/08/2011 21:21

Agree with anyfucker this man is an ass.

I don't care how worried he is ,to suggest an abortion at 18 weeks(for anything other than medical reasons) is beyond horrific!

ll31 · 22/08/2011 21:22

I don't understand the very nasty comments re ops partner - sounds to me like he's upset, terrified all of a sudden at prospects of a very prem baby - sounds like panic to me not nastiness

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 21:28

Stating he's "not going back on his decision" to ask her to abort and sending flowers? Doesn't sound much like panic to me...

He must know what's involved in the procedure if she were to go ahead. What kind of man would put his partner through that?

MoominsAreScary · 22/08/2011 21:29

And yes sure the thought of another prem baby is scary, the thought that this one could be born before 30 weeks keeps me awake some times

And yes it's hard for the man too I had ds3 by emcs under general due to cord prolapse so didn't see them trying to resuscitate him after he was born, or intubating him, that was something dp had to handle on his own as well as back and forth from me to the baby as I was ill too

Even so your dp should have spoken to you about his concerns, not just told you he wants you to have a termination.

Feminine · 22/08/2011 21:32

ll31 well with an abortion at 18 weeks a very pre-term baby is exactly what he will get Confused

With no chance of life ...all caused by him having a little wobbly!

Poshbaggirl · 22/08/2011 21:34

Happycamel i agree.
Namechangedman well put from a mans point of viewSmile

SugarPasteLadybird · 22/08/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 22/08/2011 21:37

This has to be one of the worst threads I've ever seen on here Sad

There is no excuse, no justification for his behaviour, it's horrific and very cruel.

It's not something I could ever forgive.

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2011 21:38

We know so very little about the OP and her life and their circumstances, we really should not speculate, this is all I am saying.