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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
MoominsAreScary · 22/08/2011 21:39

Well if someone posts on here they obviously want people's opinions

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2011 21:42

Sure they do. But I find this a heartbreaking thread, and I am not sure how constructive it is to read post after post about how vile her dh is. I think she gets it by now. She has already said she wants him to leave for a few days at least. Sad

AnyFucker · 22/08/2011 21:45

I don't need to know any more about it, if it is as OP says, he has said enough about what sort of man he is to be prepared to put his family through this to soothe his own tardy fears and incomprehensible volte-face

This man is cruel beyond belief

ChippingIn · 22/08/2011 21:50

Bree - I'm sorry you are going through this :(

SugarPasteLadybird · 22/08/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangedman · 22/08/2011 22:05

Sorry, came back.

I can't for the life of me see any reason why anyone would think this man has been anything but a total sod to say this. This ain't really an AIBU thread. You are not being unreasonable, don't have an abortion, don't tolerate any drip-drip, don't put up with any shit which suggests this is even an option. Just don't. Saying what he did was utterly wrong.

But what the OP has said here, that she is feeling so low and unwanted, that she fears he won't love their next kid. I don't see how pointing out that his statements mean he is trying to take over her body, he is using her as a baby machine, help in that, since I don't think that is all he feels. I don't see how declaring he is a total shit generally helps. I don't see what that offers her.

She loves this guy, she has decided to have four children and spend her life with him, she hasn't said anything about him pressuring her to have kids, controlling her body, acting like a total sod in any other way. She seems to want him around in the future.

And if that's going to happen he needs to apologise for saying what he did, explain why he knows he was wrong (which I assume he does), and try to find a way of explaining whatever he feels which would explain why he is not simply a total shit without seeming to justify it. And when he does that, as I really think he will since I just don't think most people are totals shits, OP will have to be the bravest and calmest human being around to cope with it and find a way forward.

And hundreds of posts telling her what she knows already which is that he was wrong ain't going to help either of them do that and get on with their lives together.

No excuses, no justifications, just recognition that something else might be there and that their family needs it sorted.

poppikins2 · 22/08/2011 22:08

I am feeling for you OP. Your thread has brought a lump to my throat as I have been through a similar situation. I was seven weeks pg with second DC. H was an arse when we found out I was pg with DD1 but then changed his tune when she was born (after putting me through emotional shit for 9m) DD2 was unexpected and sudden. I was thrilled. He wanted me to abort :( This time it was ultimatum. Accept it or piss off. I couldn't do it even though it was 'only a bunch of cells' according to him. We had no money worries. I took DD1 and went to my Mums as I couldn't bear the sight of him. He changed his tune and I have to say we are now in a good place. However, there is part of me that hasn't forgiven him and I don't know if I ever will.
Please don't give in to him. He has to accept it and sort himself out as the child has been created and will not go away. My thoughts go out to you xx

SugarPasteLadybird · 22/08/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardyMow · 22/08/2011 22:17

At 18 weeks, you would have to go through full labour. I have given birth at 19 weeks, my baby was stillborn, but I still had to go through labour. Does he realise that by this late stage that that is what would happen?

Fontsnob · 22/08/2011 22:46

Great post namechangedman.

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 22:47

NCM you write well with your heart and head.

bigbuttons · 22/08/2011 23:02

I saw this thread before it had any replies, just the OP. I found it so awful and so far fetched that I thought it must be a wind up and didn't replySad.
bree your poor woman

LoopyLoopsTootyFroots · 22/08/2011 23:05

I don't think this is about him being a nasty person. I also don't think it is about him being simply scared. The man is clearly severely traumatised. For an otherwise decent man to suggest such a cruel thing must be awfully difficult to accept, but sometimes severe trauma makes people do irrational and hurtful things.

I'm no psychiatrist, but having suffered from PTSD, I really think he ought to have an assessment urgently. If he is asking you to go through a hideously traumatic experience like a late abortion, the very least he should do is make sure that your simple request of counselling (actually CBT or EMDR would be better I think) is carried out.

If it were me, I would ask him to leave and insist that he go to the GP for a referral to a psychiatrist before considering returning home. Personally there is no way I would consider his request, and I don't think you are, but I might leave it for now (obviously not plan a termination, but not tackle it directly) so that he concentrates on the matter in hand - his mental health.

I assume from your posts that he is an otherwise good father and husband. He will be again, but you will have to work very hard together to forgive the past.

I wish you the best of luck, you sound like a lovely mother and a very supportive wife.

AuntiePickleBottom · 22/08/2011 23:24

could he have post-traumatic stress disorder as if he has, he could be emotional numbing the issue.

differentnameforthis · 22/08/2011 23:46

Wow...such hatred towards a man!! He has asked her to have an abortion, he hasn't induced one! For all we know there is a very good reason why he has asked for OP to consider this.

I can't understand how he is a 'cunt, an absolute twat' I am disgusted honestly. He needs someone to talk to, he needs to get to the bottom of why he feels like this. If he is happy to mention that in a few yrs he might ask for another, perhaps for some reason he feels the time isn't right.

He suggested it. He didn't force her to have one, he isn't beating her daily to induce one. I am not saying he is right to do so, as I have NO idea why he has changed his mind, but he has a right to air his views about their situation.

I think the level of abuse towards him on here is shocking!

heleninahandcart · 22/08/2011 23:56

Some men DO panic at pregnancies, they are just normally very good at hiding it. I used to work almost exclusively with men and got to hear a lot. Including those who thought it would be a good idea to tell their DPs at anything from 12 to 20 weeks they did not want another child. It only really seems to occur to them that its going to happen when they begin to see the bump Hmm

It is more common that any of us would like to think, a more tactful approach would have been for your DH to talk to you about his fears rather than present a 'decision'. He blurted this out, and is now trying to find some control, which of course with a pregnancy not even the mother can have. He does need to talk to someone.

All of these men are now delighted to have their larger families if that is any comfort. YANBU

heleninahandcart · 23/08/2011 00:00

and he clearly does want another child, he is just frightened of having to go through another traumatic premature birth.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/08/2011 00:02

"he has a right to air his views about their situation. "

If he has a right to tell his pregnant wife that he wants her to go through a traumatic procedure to end the life of their unborn baby, then other people have the right to call him a cunt for doing so.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/08/2011 00:05

"he is just frightened of having to go through another traumatic premature birth."

So frightened that he has decided on his wife's behalf that she must go through a traumatic late-term abortion?

Has he even said he was afraid? Or just that he's changed his mind and would like a baby in another couple of years, but now now?

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 00:05

so he dumps even more fear on his vulnerable wife ?

diddums at poor, suffering man

fuck that

he should have kept his stupid mouth shut...unless he really did expect his wife to undergo a late-stage abortion because of tardy collywobbles

either way, he has just done about the most selfish thing possible (except of course, OP should be thinking herself lucky he isn't beating her into an abortion... Hmm )

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 00:07

I find the sympathy for this man appalling

He would never cross the threshold of my house again

honeyandsalt · 23/08/2011 00:28

Sad You poor sausage.

Just a thought, but by "his decision" he may have meant "his decision to ask you..."

The thing is, when emotions run so high it's actually really hard for anyone to explain themselves at all. To be honest no-one on here is a mind reader, they do not know whether or not he's cruel or scared or traumatised or what, it's all speculation and reaction.

This is a real crisis in your marriage and it obviously can't be swept under the carpet. Now you need to time to just be able to form your response into words, even some time apart, and then you need to have someone take the kids for a bit, go on a long walk or sit on the beach and you both need to lay your cards on the table. All of them. I don't think it's all been said here, by a long stretch, you are so hurt and confused and he's obviously clueless.

All the best x

MoominsAreScary · 23/08/2011 00:33

Oh for goodness sake, why do do many women think men are stupid? Until they see a bump/ untill it's born/ until they feel it move it's not realy a baby to them, what bollocks he's had two dc he knows how it works and unless he had his head stuck up his arse for the last 2 pg knows how the baby is developing!

As for PTSD realy? But he will be ok in a year then they can have another baby. Sounds more like he doesn't want a baby right now and it's taken him 18 weeks to open his mouth and say something, well he should have used condoms if he's so worried

My sympathy is with the op, I know what it's like to have a man grind you down day after day because they want you to have a termination. Op kick him out for a few days, maybe that will help him come to his senses.

I hope he does have a change of heart and that you can forgive him for what he has said, most if all I will keep my fingers crossed for you and me that both our baby's are born healthy and full term

honeyandsalt · 23/08/2011 00:33

I don't mean to suggest your marriage is salvagable or not salvagable.... and it's already been said of course and you know in your heart what to do, but clearly the very late term abortion is just an awful thing to suggest - does he really know what he's asking here? - and I am fully supportive of you and think it was deeply wrong of him to push it. But obviously there's more going on here that you need to get to the bottom of.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/08/2011 00:44

Im speechless!
I live with a bloke who suggested abortion when he found out I was expecting both DCs, but I know him, it was a panic response, both were unplanned, and when I had told him that that wasnt an option and he had calmed down he was fine. He is a great father. He behaved in the manner I expected and we dealt with it.
What really upsets me about the OP, is that her DH wants four kids, he has just changed his mind, doesnt seem to have considered the logistics of the situation, and then offers the carrot of maybe wanting another in a year or so, to her, as if that would make a difference!
I just cant work out what exactly he is playing at!
I think sending him to his mothers is exactly the right thing to do, lets hope his mother finds his behaviour as unacceptable as most of the rest of us seem to do, and gives him a good tongue lashing.

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