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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

198 replies

Mebloo · 17/08/2011 20:24

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/08/2011 20:28

Sounds more like he is worried about how this child will affect the dynamics of your family and financial affairs.

Seeing as you talked him round as opposed to him being eager for a second child as time goes on he has more and more doubts that it is going to cause long term problems.

Talk to him.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/08/2011 20:55

Hiya Mebloo, sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I totally agree that diary keeping can really help clear the thoughts, but I'm just a bit worried that some of the things you will put on here are things that you should be discussing with your husband?

Is it possible that he's feeling like he was a bit bullied into something he didn't want to do? You say he wasn't sure he wanted a second child but you persuaded him. If so, although I don't condone snappiness and ceasing intimacy as forms of "punishment," I can kind of see why he's obviously not happy at the moment. I hope you can talk to him soon xxx

Original poster
Mebloo · 17/08/2011 20:57

Sorry, got interrupted. Fabby - what you say is correct, but I fear it is not just that.

The suspicions: all is circumstantial, hence me wondering how much is paranoia. As well as his relationship with me changing, his relationship with his mobile phone has changed. Before, he rarely used it, I topped it up when I did mine, and he left it lying around wherever. Now he keeps it on his person (even went into the bathroom with him), has topped it up himself, and is constantly checking it. The other night he was checking it in bed when I was dozing and he was reading, and when he saw I was actually awake, he physically jumped and hid the phone behind his book. He's also had texts arrive late at night, which was previously unheard of.

I suspect the other woman to be a particular work colleague who has just been mentioned a little too much recently. She has recently split from her partner.

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 17/08/2011 21:00

Has he gave you any other signs he could be seeing someone else ?

Ivortheengine8 · 17/08/2011 21:04

Thats a bit odd about the phone mebloo, before reading that I would have said paranoia. You need to find out what is going on to put your mind at rest. I am 7 months pregnant like you with a dd (2) and it is tiring to say the least.
I think most men get anxious in the last few months, they worry about the birth and the money side of things and tbh me and DH havent done it much at all this pregnancy, but it would niggle me too about the phone thing.

carlywurly · 17/08/2011 21:08

Phone behaviour always gives it away ime. Any secretive behaviour regarding mobile phones would ring massive alarm bells to me. An innocent person has nothing to hide - DP leaves his phone everywhere, and never locks it as do I. XH used to practically sleep with it under his pillow. I was never allowed within reach of the thing.

Ask to borrow it (fake a problem with yours while you're out) and see how he reacts. That will tell you what you need to know.

So sorry and hope for you it turns out not to be the case.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2011 21:10

It was the phone thing that first made me suspect that something was going on. Then he got a new secret phone and said I was jealous and paranoid Hmm which made me feel ten times worse.

He was sexting throughout my pregnancy, and although he didnt meet up with her, they were trying to arrange something.

Ivortheengine8 · 17/08/2011 21:12

I agree with carly, ask if you can borrow it (when he is least expecting it so he can't delete anything) and if he gets funny about it then ask him why.

griphook · 17/08/2011 21:12

Is there anyway you can sneak a peek at his phone when he is sleeping, to put your mind at rest

Ivortheengine8 · 17/08/2011 21:13

Poor you Bogey too, it makes me so sad when they do this when their DP's are pregnant. How bloody selfish.

LemonDifficult · 17/08/2011 21:17

Sorry, I don't think you're being paranoid. Something's afoot, even if it isn't a big Something. But what do you want to do about it?

Have you discussed the phone thing with him?

Original poster
Mebloo · 17/08/2011 21:41

Wow, what a lot of responses... And the jury thinks it doesn't sound promising. Bugger.
To answer some specifics:
Yes, he could easily be feeling bullied into it. But this was all discussed in a very adult way at the outset, and we decided to go ahead. Twice. Now I am regretting it, and terrified that if things go tits up with the marriage I will end up resenting the child.
There have been no other signs of an affair, so I think it is early stages / emotional. Alternatively, it could all be innocent and him just seeking support as he is going through a difficult time.
I managed to sneak a peek at his phone the morning after one of the late night text arrivals. All inbox and sent mails except for a few from me had been deleted.
I have not yet discussed the phone thing with him. This is a deliberate decision. I need time to think first. And will continue to observe.

Will probably not post any more tonight, as can hear DH preparing to come upstairs. Thanks all for your thoughts.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 17/08/2011 21:47

That's horrible for you.

I think most couples would be able to say to each other 'what on earth it is about your phone?!' and the fact that you aren't prepared to challenge him reflects that even if he's not having an affair, there's something wrong with the communication in your relationship.

I really feel for you. My DSiL's ex-H cheated on her when she was pregant with her second child - it was so lonely for her. Not unusual, though, sadly.

Jemma1111 · 17/08/2011 21:52

I think your'e right not to discuss the phone thing with him at the moment because if he is up to no good then he will be more careful to cover his tracks if he knows your'e suspicious. Bide your time.

Just to add though, it all could be innocent.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2011 22:33

I would agree not to discuss the phone thing just yet and stick with "watchful waiting" to see if his behaviour changes any further. Also, ime if they are getting away with it they get sloppy and careless and if he is up to something then there is a chance that you may find something if he doesnt think that you are on his case.

Keeping everything crossed for you that this turns out to be nothing.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2011 23:16

This is all exactly what happened to me and I'm sorry, he was having an affair.

I would agree with the watch and wait. You do have to decide what you want to do - do you want to confront him then hopefully stay with him, not confront him and try to improve the relationship, or what?

griphook · 17/08/2011 23:26

I would also watch and wait,

hopefully things will turn out fine.

This is awful, but a friend of mine was having an affair, and she used to have a 2nd sim card which would be hidden most of the time on top of the door frame, where no one would think to look. devious I know,she would regualry swap them around to see if she had any new texts.

readywithwellies · 17/08/2011 23:28

My ex did exactly this and had been having a six month affair. Left me for ow.

pamplemousserose · 17/08/2011 23:31

I'd definitely get a look at his phone without him knowing

ShoutyHamster · 18/08/2011 00:30

The phone thing- I would say it is almost a cert that he is up to something, with someone.

If he's deleting everything- can you check bills? Others will have more know how but if you can see the records, you can see if he's texting a certain number a lot.

More drastic- but is there any way you can swap his SIM if you occasionally get a chance to swipe the phone? A friend did something quite brilliant here- 'accidentally' dropped his phone in the sink - but before she did so she took the sim and put in an old one. He was pissed off but reassured that she hadn't got to use the phone- but while it was sat drying for a day (so he wasn't expecting messages and didn't switch it on) she was going through everything plus receiving texts from OW. So he was nailed. Don't know about the technicalities of being able to get his sim to work in your phone though.

Admiraltea · 18/08/2011 05:51

Easy..handset (phone) needs to be either on same network or "unlocked" (about £5 at local dodgy shops if you have an old one knocking around) sim will work as soon as in the handset.

If you are on the same network then it will work as soon as you put it in your phone. The lock only applies to his phone...not the sim.

Janeymax · 18/08/2011 06:20

Whatever he is up to is prob not about the child and you won't resent it whatever happens, you'll fall in love with it, just like the first.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/08/2011 08:13

You need to find out for sure as you can't live with this uncertainty esp with you being pregnant.

I so wish I had joined MN last year as I would have been alerted to the phone possessiveness as a huge red flag...

Spellcheck · 18/08/2011 08:17

Oooh that's dodgy...he's not necessarily done anything but phone thing is suspicious. My exH was funny about his phone too, I confronted him, unfortunately for me, because that gave him the idea to lock his phone which was a new concept and made me more suspicious. I did the SIM card thing which unfortunately didn't work because we were on different networks (doh!), in any case I caught him texting one night, hiding in the dining room, I snatched the phone away and saw enough of the fatal message to confirm everything I suspected.

Maybe your H is indulging in simple escapism? Sounds to me like two lonely people sitting in bed right next to each other with an invisible wall down the middle. A good, long, honest chat is definitely in order, though I know only too well that is easier said than done. Would he read and respond to a letter? Communication is vital before it all falls apart!! Wishing you luck.

PS I think you're right, Janeymax, OP will fall in love with the child whatever happens!

venusandmars · 18/08/2011 08:24

mebloo please don't regret becoming pregnant, as you said, you did decide it together. Even if he was not as keen as you, that is no excuse for him developing a relationship with someone else (if he is). Do not blame yourself for that, and do not allow him to blame you either.