Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

I know :(

And I could almost understand if he was at least being a help with the new baby or something. But it sounds like he's just moping around the house treating OP with disdain and texting the 'vulnerable' OW while he;s on the other sofa.

The disrespect is unbelievable. I'm genuinely staggered by how much of a cock this guy is being.

OP, the absolute best revenge you could have on OW is to let her have him.

I think you're right anyfucker and it's very understandable, but at least people on here can help her to see the (dead) wood from the trees at some point a decision needs to be made

I would offer him an ultimatum- me or her. But only when you feel strong enough to lose him. Don't tell him to go as this makes it easy for him as you are doing the choosing. Make HIM choose between you and the OW. If he chooses her, get on with your life and your 2 beautiful daughters and respect the fact that you are an amazing, strong woman and he is a horrible, NASTY man to do this to you at this time in your life. If he chooses you, you will need some help to rebuild trust with him - professional help. Don't know if I could personally forgive my partner for this one? You are in a vulnerable position with a new baby so I don't think there is a rush. Give yourself a few months, get on with your life as though he's not going to be there, and when you feel strong and in control, offer the ultimatum. Good luck, big hugs to you.

the thing is, charlie, OP will never get to a point of being "strong and in control" while he sleeps in her bed, plays at happy families and is allowed free rein to carry on with OW

it's not gonna happen

she will get her spirit further crushed, until she accepts that this man is so special he can have a wife keeping the home fires burning whilst giving her the occasional pity shag, and the OW for funa and excitement

in fact...that is exactly where we are now

nothing will change until OP forces it

just waiting will undermine her even more

I suppose she could always hope the OW will lose interest first...

Choose her? As if he's some prize?

I don't think so.

I agree that you should ask him to leave and tell everyone what's happened, in that order. This horrible individual is cruelty personified, as is the OW for staying involved with a man who can show this much cruelty to another person.

He is the booby prize, that is for sure

Both these women should sling him out in the cold, so he is left with nothing

I don't understand why more women don't join forces and just freeze these fuckers right out

Instead, they submit to being pitted against each other in some sort of ghastly competition for the dubious charms of men like this

It makes me sick (and so, so sorry) to my stomach

Don't ask him to choose. There's always a danger he might choose to stay and then you will have missed your chance to have a say on whether you want to keep on living and sharing your bed with someone who was shagging another woman while you were pregnant.

Everything should be on your terms from now on OP.

I'm so furious imagining him sitting there, texting away to OW. Or even lying in bed next to you, reading some soppy bollocks from her on his iphone. Pathetic. He's behaved like a massive wanker and he still gets to stay in teh house and have everything his own way. And he's not even being nice to you!

Fucks sake. I need to step away from this thread because I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof just thinking about him.

So, so, so, sorry and on your behalf, OP.

I think OP is at a particularly vulnerable point in her life. Yes he is an ABSOLUTE prick for doing this to her, but don't feel she should rush this decision when her thoughts should be on the new baby. Thats all i meant really. Don't think I could have coped with a breakup and a new baby...but I do have a tendancy to bury my head in the sand and a much less than perfect relationship so probably not the best person to offer advice. Just feel so sorry that he is doing this to you.

charlie, you have as much right to post your opinion as anyone else

Mebloo I am coming late to your thread but couldn't read and run...I am so sorry you've had to find his out whil you're pregnant. It souns like your mind is working overtime (of course) but you shouldn't try to think the worst as in hi leaving and being in love with her....they may SOUND in love on the text but that means nothing. It's words.

I think te advice about legal things is all very excellent. I also think you need to prepare yourself to be knocked sideways because he may well beg your forgiveness...in fact he probably will.

It sounds like a sex thing to me.

MS, it may be best if you read all the thread, mate

If it were me AF I would also try to keep my marriage together. For some people affairs are surmountable things. Of course its terrible what he has done...utterly dispicable....but people do terrible things. They can often be gotten over

I did AF...red it all.

Read not red

Yes, until the next time

But let's bury that thought, eh ?

He doesn't love the woman. If he did he would be with her. He loves the sex and the thrill.

MS, and you would advocate that OP wait around until he has had his fill of the "sex and the thrill" then accept her second place in his life as her due ?

This is the mother of his children

If she lets this one go, after he has treated her so abominably, he will do it again

Mebloo - many congrats on the birth of your dd! I hope you are enjoying your time together :)

To change the subject slightly, your husband is a nob. When any 'decent' (hmmm) man is found having an affair, he does all he can to make up for it. He puts his wife first. By saying you're both vulnerable, he's just putting her on, at the very least, equal footing with you. And you've just had a baby! How much more vulnerable do you have to get? And that's by the by anyway.

He should be walking over coals to prove his love for you.

Not being ambivalent.

You might be in a situation where it's difficult to take any action now, so I don't think you should feel forced into a corner. But this isn't a marriage and your husband hasn't done enough to earn his way back into your affections yet - not by a long shot.

Enjoy your new little girl and when you have a tad more inner strength, try to work out a future without this waste of a man.

Mebloo:

While a month ago, it was a good idea for him to stay since you were so close to your birth, it might no longer be the case now. If he can't even stop texting the OW in front of you and your children, he clearly has no respect for you all.

You have loving and supporting parents and you need to lean on them and not your DH. He will likely leave you as soon as he feels you are getting stronger. Do not let him get away with blaming your newborn daughter as the excuse for his cheating. He wants out of the marriage and will blame whomever he can, even a month-old. Your newborn daughter is innocent and should not be burden with that claim.

Don't let him do that to her or to yourself. I hope that you never blame her either.

I think you are strong enough now to ask him to leave and go to the OW because you are not waiting for him to make a decision. You should not wait for the axe to fall before acting. Take your future into your own hands. As I stated earlier, he will leave you.

Congratulations on your new daughter and please, please do not let your DH hold her responsible for his own failings/cheating.

First of all, I want to add my congratulations to the others here; it is terrible that such a happy time has been blighted in this way.

I'm writing because I think that what most of the posters are saying here is correct. It is no surprise that reading Not Just Friends should be causing you to be so upset: it must be making you realise how what your DH is doing is following a tired old script. It is an excellent book; I wish I had read it when I first found out about my DWs affair.

I?ve been exactly where you are, Mebloo. My DH had a three-year affair and when I found out took months to try and work out what she wanted to do. I foolishly thought that she should be the one to make the decision. I had to listen to her tell me how she thought that the OM was the one; how she loved us both. However, I think that if we didn?t have two DCs she would have left, though she denies this. It totally trashed my self-esteem and caused me to lose about a stone in weight. And like you, we continued to sleep in the same bed. In the end it took my sister-in-law to say ?It's bollocks her saying she loves you, you don?t treat someone you love like that?. I?m ashamed to say that I clung to her because I didn?t really know what else to do. I look back to that time three years ago with disbelief; that I allowed her to treat me like that. And she came up with all sorts of reasons to justify her affair and pass some of the blame, but ultimately the blame for an affair lies with the person conducting it. What nonsense that you DH is blaming the pressure of your daughter's birth!

In the end I gave up waiting for her to decide what she wanted and said that we should separate. This was followed by a very messy year, during which it turned out that the OM had started seeing someone else. We are now separated and I feel fairly content; have got self-esteem and understand how I allowed her to cross multiple boundaries. I am relatively happy being single and I honestly wish that either she had left right at the beginning, or I had asked her to leave.

Sorry, for such a long story, but my motive is to try to prevent you going through what I went through. It is hard to be the one that forces the decision, but ultimately it hands you back some power. And yes, I also recognise the need to keep it all under wraps and tell few people, but it only harms you and helps him.

Dear Mebloo, congratulations on your little girl.

Please put yourself and your daughters first an leave him.

There's no pint asking him to choose between you and her because he has already made a choice, he chose himself.

He's the only one getting best of both worlds, the little mother at home and the hot stuff at the office. You're merely facilitating him being a selfish bastard, and a cowardly one as well that won't take responsibility for his actions.

He is comfortable now you see. A man who cheats on his pregnant wife is beyond redemption, thats a time when a man should give his 100% to the mother of his children, not fuck around.

Respect yourself, respect your daughters and lose the fool, he will either continue with the OW or eventually get a new one.

Be strong, you deserve better than this.

NAS that is such a moving post, I am sorry you had to experience that

mebloo I hope you can take a message from it

where are you btw ?

Thanks all for your messages of congratulation for DD2, and for your support. And apologies to those who have joined me in having high blood pressure .

Rarely have I seen such accord on MN. That tells me a lot really, and I know you are all correct, but I think I'm still coping with this only with a hefty dose of denial - reading back my previous posts, that's seems to have been how I've coped all through. AF hit the nail on the head at the top of page 7, I think.

Just to correct some misconceptions though (and I know this sounds like I am defending him..): He's being very useful around the house. He cooks, cleans, shops, makes coffee, puts food in front of me when I can't decide what/whether I want to eat, hangs out washing, plays with DD1, does the school run if it clashes with DD2's feeding time. It's like having an au-pair. Yes, he initially looks at me with disdain if I am crying, but then realises he shouldn't do, and does then at least attempt to be comforting. And he doesn't text in front of me - I have banned that. I know he does text because I ask and he tells me, but I don't want to see him do it.

I've got two main stumbling blocks with telling him to go.

1. Since getting suspicious, I've always been concerned that DD1 would associate the departure of Daddy with the arrival of DD2, with potential effects on her relationship with DD2 for the rest of both of their lives. I wanted a bit of time for DD1 to bond with DD2 before it all goes wrong, so the two events are separated in time, and separated in her mind. Any child psychologists out there?
2. Ultimately I'll be the one dealing with DD1 day-to-day as she approaches her pre-teens, and I'd much rather be able to say "Daddy chose to leave" rather than "I told Daddy to leave"; it makes me feel better to think that I gave our marriage every chance. Because of this, I intrinsically prefer the ultimatum method - but my problem with that is that I don't have any "or else" to fight with - "You need to choose between me and OW, or else I'll...." what?

Answers to specifics:
Who knows about the affair? I have told 8 (sets of) people in total (not counting partners) - 6 friends that I definitely count as mine rather than mutual, my parents, 1 mutual friend (who was in danger of finding out via H's work grapevine anyway). I am leaning heavily on all of these lovely people. OW has told at least 5 people in her and H's workplace (H has told me about these; 4 of the 5 are mutual friends as I used to work there too until 2004), and she may have told others that I'm not aware of. As far as I know, H has told precisely nobody, although has talked briefly to people in work that OW had already told. There are no workplace disciplinary issues.

Notanotherstatistic - thanks for sharing your story, and I'm sorry to hear about it. It does sound very similar. I can appreciate you not wanting me to go through what you went through - but I'm just not ready yet to take control - I wonder if it's a rite of passage that we need to go through to come out stronger at the end? I hate giving up on anything.

Mebloo, Congrats on your new baby daughter x
I have been reading your post from the beginning and it had me in tears by the way he treating you. You shouldn't need to ban him from texting the OW, he should have some decency and respect for you not to do it in the first place. My Dh had an emotional affair when I was 8 months pg. It broke my heart and even thought we have worked it out and are still together 8 yrs on it stopped me from enjoying the first couple of weeks of my DD life and I can never get it back. Your DD will be fine as you sound such a caring mother, but dont let him do this to you. I delt with it by kicking him out and he went to my MIL 's. Please think of yourself, hugs choc x

re the future teenage daughter - surely its better to say you told you H to leave as he was treating you with total disrespect and that is no way for a relationship to be, than to say ' I waited until he wanted to go, allowing him to treat us all as second to his sex life'

This strikes a chord with me as my ex had a very involved affair when I was pg with DD. He denied and denied and then finally told me when I was 7 months - although I had known about it all along. He kept in contact and implied I was crazy when I suggested he wasnt (thought by refusing to name her I wouldnt think the appearance of this previously unmentioned woman would be suspicious) after about a year he let it slip that it was the same woman. We still shared a bed, but from that moment there was nothing happening there... It took another year before he was forced from the house. I had thought the previous years had been bad, but those 2 years, when we were living 'in limbo' were the worst two years of my life, and affected my relationship with my DD. I have no regrets at all about making the decision to end it. DD is a great girl. She knows that it was his treatment of me which led to his expulsion from the family, and she, at the wise age of 10, knows what boundaries are, and how people should be treated.

I wouldnt wait for him to choose - why should he make any choice when he can drag it out for ever, and why, given what he has done, and continues to do, be ALLOWED to be the one who makes that choice. Maybe let him know you are considering YOUR choices, and that ultimately the final decision is going to be down to you, and give yourself a time frame to make that decision. The shock may make him bluster as to how is is chosing you, but then you will be in the position to dictate the terms, as you havent made YOUR decision yet (ie if he suddenly decides he wants you, that doesnt automatically follow that you will agree with the decision)