Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

I would confront him now - actually I would have done it ages ago. What evidence do you think you're going to find? OW hiding in your wardrobe? He'll likely deny it all even if she was.

You're the only one suffering at this point

I agree that you can only put this off in the search for evidence for so long. He will deny it whatever evidence you have, and will try and make you fear for your sanity but you KNOW what he is doing and you need to stay strong in that knowledge.

But I do think that the time has come for confrontation because it is affecting your health and this stress wont be doing the baby any good at all. See a solicitor so that you are confident in your answers to anything he throws at you (its my house/I'll get custody/you wont get a penny from me.... etc), not saying he will but just in case. Then give it to him both barrels. Dont allow yourself to be talked out of believing what you KNOW to be true, that way madness lies, trust me on this.

I am thinking of you and sending un mn like hugs

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you too. I have been in your position and it is hard, really hard. I had suspicions when I was pregnant but didn't get evidence till baby was 4 months old. He of course denied it but the truth all came out eventually. I just had to push and push and I wish I had so much earlier. It won't help your health keeping it in, or your babies. You will get through this, you and your baby will be ok, but you need to know everything and you need to confront him. In my opinion the sooner the better.

I don't know how you have managed to keep this to yourself so far OP.
Please confront him now and get it all out in the open, so that you can get it off your chest for the sake of your health and your babies.
He is a scum bag and now deserves to lose everything.
Thinking of you. [Big, big hugs]

Sorry but phrases like 'talked him around' and 're-persuaded him', sound to me it was obviously not what he wanted in the first place. Can you seriously not understand why he is not happy. He is probably not having an affair, just did not want to be rail-roaded into something that he didn't want!!

You need to confront him now. I don't know how you've managed to keep quiet for so long but you need to do it for your own sanity. You've got more than enough evidence. [hugs]

Good God, am just reading this thread and my hear could break for you.

I don't know how you are getting through the days and I understand not wanting to confront him and push him permanently into the OW's arms, but if that is the agenda he is going to go anyway. Possibly once your little one is born and you have all your friends/family there for support. Just my feeling.

Leaving the receipt in his pocket is like he is wanting you to find it. I mean, how careless? Is he typically a careless bufoon? If not, then I'd say he is not remotely bothered that you find out so he doesn't have to SAY the words to you.

Izzy - you an inspirational and your advice is top-notch.

I'd ring the hotel as well and then I'd confront they lying a-hole.

So sorry you are having to go through this.

xx

If you want him back, you need everything out in the open. Waiting is only allowing him more time to get deeper emotionally involved with the OW

workedoutforthebest

My H wanted our baby very much. It was him that first broached the subject and he was very involved in every aspect of the pregnancy and has been devoted to her since her birth.

He also started an affair with an ex GF.

The fact that the OPs H seemed reluctant has no bearing on this, 10% of men will cheat on their pregnant wives and that percentage is only made up of the ones that either admit it or got caught, I suspect that the true number is much higher. You're not telling me that all of them are reluctant TTCers?

Oh and implying that the OP brought this onto herself by persuading him is a really shitty thing to do.

Talk about kicking a woman when she is down! Have a bit of thought when you post. Does the "why" really matter at this stage? She can face that later, right now the poor woman just needs support getting through each day, and that kind of comment isnt going to help is it?

I have confronted him. It got to the stage where I really had no choice. I cried in the spare bedroom for a lot of the night, and this morning knew I was in no fit state to face the trip to school, and refused to get up. There was a fairly (verbally) aggressive enquiry from H as to what was up, so I simply told that I had read what was in his coat pocket.

He came back looking pretty meek, sorted out DD, postponed morning work commitments, and took her to school. Meanwhile I had a shower, and tried to make myself look dignified and half-decent (thanks, Izzy). We had a long (rainy) walk and chat. He has admitted what I needed him to admit. He claims to be in love with both of us. The whole thing was horrible, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Neither of us knows what we want, and we are going to try to stay civil under the same roof while we get our heads straight. He was not planning on admitting anything (ever) and apparently thought he had done well at covering his tracks. (That means he's either stupid or a liar, or both). He blames his own "weakness" for the affair, and is apparently not linking it directly to baby issues.

I feel very very sad today, but slightly more sane at least.

Bogeyface - thanks for defending me! But seriously, I wouldn't be posting this on MN unless I could take a bit of flak, and I'm in one of those situations where actually nothing anyone says can make me feel worse than I do already. However, lots of you are doing a good job of making me feel a tiny bit better - so thanks!

So glad you have managed to talk about things. Take things one day at a time and I hope you manage to do what you both want to do. Take care of yourself is foremost. xx

Try Beyondaffairs.com website - it helped me a lot during the early days post discovery when I couldn't make sense of my feelings/emotions etc. It would also be beneficial for your H, the husband who runs the website with his wife had an affair so it gives that perspective too.

Be prepared for an all consuming rage soon, I had never felt rage like it when it happened to me .......

I am so sorry

Is he still going to be spending time with her, whilst benefittng from the cosy set up of family life ?

Bastard

So sorry - get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, it helped me enormously.

Well done for confronting him. Now take time for you. Your H needs to do all the running. The next few days, weeks and months will be a roller coaster of emotions but all you can do is just go with it. Cry and be angry when you want to. Also, remember that you are not to blame for his affair. It was his choice.

[Big hugs]

mebloo so sorry he is treating you like this. im pregnant too and my hormones would not be handling it as restraintly as you are. there is no way i could have him under the same roof as me, while he contemplates what he wants.
my relationship has been on rocky ground a few times in the last 12 months. we had twins last year and our next is due oct. we also stupidly have been gutting a house we bought whilst i was pregnant with twins and its still not complete and he is armed forces, so only here at weekends and he had to go to afghan from may till august, so have had a lot of stresses. he hasnt cheated to my knowledge, but he did decide to admit that he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore 2 weeks ago. my 1st reaction was to cry, and then my 2nd was to ask him to leave. his reply was, did i want him to lie when he wasnt sure. i saidd no i didnt want him to lie, i just wanted him to leave. because if he didnt know if he loved me or not, then he had to go. im not sitting around waiting for him to decide. it didnt take long for the anger to set in. like who the fuck does he think he is? i have sacrificed nearly 2 years of my life, with no drinking, little socialising, given up hobbies (triathlons) and hes more or less carried on as normal and he doesnt know if he loves me?! the anger was over whelming. he could jog on.
he went upstairs to pack but came down after an hour, apologising profusely and saying he did love me, he is just tired and stressed etc. i told him he best watch what he says in future cos i was/am prepared to let him go and i wont be putting up with any of his shit.
sorry for the long explanation- but i suppose my point is, your self esteem should not let you be treated this way and the fact that you are prepared to let him carry on having the best of both worlds is testiment to your self esteem being very low. and the awful thing is, if you let him mull over what HE wants, your self esteem is going no where but down.
he has said he wasnt planning on admitting anything, so he obviously had no intention of leaving you for her. she already knows about you (presumably) and is willing to put up with it and now you know about her and if you choose to not do anything about it, it will appear that you are willing to put up with it too, so why would he change anything?
the arrogance of some men is astounding. they hurt and wreck lives and then say they're not sure what they want to do? i know its hard cos you have children etc but he shouldnt be given the option of deciding- hell- he shouldnt even assume he has the option, he should be sniveling on his knees, begging for forgiveness. forget english and maths, they should be teaching females self esteem, sniffing out bullshit and self preservation.

Bastard.
I am sorry OP but do you really want this knobhead with you in the delivery room. He has betrayed both you and your baby in the most awful way,
I would suggest that he was biding his time and staying with you until after delivery, not wanting to be seen to be "ditching" his pregnant wife, Thereafter he could say that things had been bad for a while and leave with his head high once the baby was born.
If he can't decide who he wants, l would be for chucking him out. You play second fiddle to no one. Your DH should be able to catagorically say instantly that he wants you--not humm and hoo over which to choose. I presume he is going to carry on seeing the OW until he makes his mind up. What a cunt.
You, your DD and your new baby deserve much better that this,
Rethink your birthing partner--he has forfeited his right to be with you, do you have a friend or family who can be with you. No doubt he would be thinking about and perhaps even texting OW while you are in labour anad at your most vulnerable. You don't need this.
I so hate this man. This thread has been the worst l have read on MN and l can't get you out my head.
Sending you loads of very un MN hugs xx

In love with two women? Yeah, right. He's just another dick led twunt acting like an unneutered tom.

O honey, I feel for you. I want to you give a great big non-mumsnet hug and reassure you that you are going to come out of this stronger and more powerful than you ever believed possible.

What we're going to is do consult Machiavelli's Guide to Errant DH/DPs as chanelled by Izzy. Your stoopid dh ain't gonna know what's hit him.

In the meantime, pamper yourself top to toe - hair, nails, feet, annoint yourself with aromatic oils - and take all the time in the world as you prepare for an undetectable (by him) war of attrition.

we are going to try to stay civil under the same roof while we get our heads straight That'[s the perfect arrangement for our purposes - plenty of scope for guerilla warfare.

Does he work for a large company? Is he well-respected in his office/field? Does the OW work in his department, does he have opportunity to see her every day? Does he travel frequently for his firm?

Paint your face and paste a smile on it - by the time your new dc makes an entrance, you are going to be laughing.

Yes, this man is a very bad example that is for sure

A very bad example with an MO and a script he is following. Not that uncommon though, I don't think. Selfishness and self-entitlement to walk all over people seems to be how some people function.

Unfortunately if he is allowed to stay with his family he has no consequences for his actions. Which is a very bad situation for OP to be in with a new baby.

I really don't know if OP is in any position for game playing, tbqh

All this reminds me of my SIL - her H had an affair while she was pregnant with their 3rd. She spent the final weeks of the pregnancy begging him to stay, trying to be the perfect wife and hoping that the new baby would change things. However, he was still seeing the OW and even texted her during the labour. When the baby was a week old, he finally left for OW....

Your H need to be doing all the work/running to win you back - after all that hard work,he is much more likely to appreciate you.

I would strongly advice you to get RL support from family and friends while you are going through this.

Well done for confronting him. I didnt make it half an hour after finding out about my shithead, (SH?!) never mind several weeks.

I would second the advice for you to take control though. He cant just sit around being daddy to his lovely new baby and living with his wife and other adored child whilst also having his afternoon love ins with his slag. It isnt up to him to decide if he wants you or not. HE cheated, HE betrayed you and your children, HE is the one humping his way through his office like a tom cat. It is up to you to decide if you want him and you need to make damn sure that he knows that.

When I found out about SH cheating, the first thing he said was that he loved me and only me and was sorry and ashamed and would do anything at all to make things right. At no point has he said that he is thinking about whether to stay with me or that he might prefer her. He has had no contact at all with her and spends all of his time trying to tell me and show me that he loves me and that it was a mistake. Do i believe him? not sure. We are going for counselling and we will see what happens.

But if he had tried to play me the way your shithead is playing you then he would be on his way. I told him that the second I found out, he lost me. I told him that he didnt have to "make it work", first he had to win me back and give me a reason to not divorce him. He has tried to do that. He has ordered books off the internet, read a book I bought and has booked counselling for himself aswell as begging me to go to Relate with him.

Your SH is doing none of this, and why? Because he wants to stay with you and the children but also have his little shagpiece in the background. Of course he thinks he loves her, we all find the thing we cant have to be more attractive than what we have got. But 5 will get you 10 that within a year of being with her full time he would be crawling back to you because he will realise what he has lost.

Do you want him because you love him and think you could make it work? Or because you are frightened of being on your own with a new baby?

what would be worse, being a single mum with 2 little ones or being married to a man that you know is having sex with some amoral slapper the minute he leaves the house?

X1 said he was in love with us both. I was also pregnant. Weirdly, I understood exactly what he meant. I insisted it must end (he said yes, I didn't believe him) and either he or OW must leave the company they both worked for. He said it couldn't be done, I said well that's it then.

I made a mistake. No matter how well I understood where he was coming from, it was clear they both had a good idea of how I felt and didn't give a shit. Once I'd given him that understanding, I signed up to many months of increasing stress and misery. I should have sent him round to her straight away and changed the locks (bugger the law!)

X2 was also a cheater and, once again, I overestimated his feelings for me. There's one sentence I should have used more often in my life - and will, if it happens again: "She wants you, she's got you, goodbye."

When you're the one on the back foot, you start feeling all defensive and trying to second-guess what might happen in the future. IMO that doesn't matter - houses, kids, money, futures even, can all be sorted out later. What matters now, Mebloo is WHAT YOU'RE WORTH.

I'm quite a lot in love with sassy34264, for her post above.

Being in love with 2 women does not make this situation ok or understandable.
Should you feel sorry for him then?
Now he knows you know, the least he can do is to no longer see OW until the baby is here, if you don't want to boot him out that is.
However I think that it is a genuine possibility he goes a few weeks after the baby is here.
Whatever you do, do what is right FOR YOU. Good luck x