Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

since the 17th of August mebloo has gone from wondering if she's just "pregnant and paranoid" to finding out her husband has been cheating on her to giving birth to their child to probably being kept up all night by new DD, there is no wonder she is in shock and taking her time to digest things.

I know that you are trying to do the best by your daughter, but I am afraid that being a doormat is the worst possible example you could set for her.\

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I wasnt suggesting she make a decision right now, I was trying to suggest a way that she takes back a bit of control over the situation, because so far it has been a roller coaster ride for her, totally driven by choices made by her H. I certainly didnt make any quick decisions, but I sure wish I had as I wouldnt want to put anyone through living with someone who is so blatently having his cake and eating it for very long.

Even now, although he is in the house and helpful, he is still not committed to the relationship, he claims the OW is vulnerable and has placed her needs on an equal footing to OPs, and I am unsure as to when OWs vulnerability would be likely to end, hence the potential for this to play out as OP living constantly in a state of questioning, doubt, self esteem taking a downward turn, not knowing what to trust, spending days looking for clues and trails as to what he is up to rather than concentrating on being a new mum. Her head doesnt need to be filled with always wondering what he is up to - its a bit of a control thing - OPs H maintains a power over her by making sure she is always thinking about him or the relationship, meanwhile he gets to play happy families and have a bit of fun on the side.

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your wonderful new baby DD: childbirth is like completing a marathon at the best of times, but with all this additional stress going on you really have done well to cope in the strong manner that you have.

Secondly I want to tell you that in my opinion your OH has already made his decision, and unfortunately it's not to be with you.

Unless you missed out a huge part of the story when you explained that the OW had told mutual friends of yours (& current colleagues of your OH) about the affair, I.e. the part where your OH absolutely freaked out at her and demanded to know why she'd told people, and then him denying it completely, then it's obvious that he has made his peace with other people knowing about the situation, because he knows it's inevitable, because he's eventually going to leave you for her.

Why would he allow close friends and colleagues to know what an absolute sh*t he has been if he doesn't see it coming out anyway?

You really need to start protecting yourself, both emotionally and financially, because this man does not have your best interests at heart, and the sooner you can understand that (as devastating as it is) the better chance you'll have of preserving some sense of self-worth and self-respect, and that will he you cope in the future.

Good luck, you really deserve it.

*help you cope.

Mebloo, I think your H maybe many steps ahead of you and has already taken legal advice, is binding his time until it is right for him and then leave. My DH had taken legal advice before I knew about the affair (still got the letter where his solicitor recommends divorcing me for my unreasonable behaviour and getting the DC to stay overnight with him and OW as a matter of priority - still finding this hard to forgive ). Get yourself to a solicitor as a matter of urgency, find out your rights and what you are entitled to.

I think you even quite reached the anger stage yet (or uncontrollable rage in my case ) and are still in the sadness, denial and barginning (he's not really that bad etc) stage which is very understandable. You have gone from this awful discovery to giving birth in a very short space of time, you probable have post traumatic shock and the person causing all of this is still around, rubbing your nose in it. You know it is not acceptable don't you. What is your bottom line in how he can treat you ? (The question my counsellor asked me).

Mebloo - first of all, huge congratulations on the birth of your lovely daughter :) I can't add any more advice to the wonderful messages you've already been given. And I definitely of a mind with everyone else - the way your husband is treating you just now is truly disgusting :( (I think that thing he said about you and the OW both being vulnerable is one of the single most mind-boggingly selfish and hateful things I have ever read on MN. And that's saying something!) I'm so sorry he's done this to you now. Worst possible timing.

Anyway - I just wanted to say re: your DD1 and DD2s future relationship should your DH leave now. Pretty much this exact scenario played out in my family (I was the eldest) and my Mum had the same worries you've got. I can report though that my brother and myself are and have always been incredibly close. Yes, my wee nose might have been put out of joint for a week or 2 after he was born but in the grand scheme it didn't damage our relationship one iota. If anything, it's made us even closer I think.

Lots of pressure on you I know but I truly believe that in situations like this the children are absolutely not best served by parents clinging to a sinking relationship for the sake of the kids. A settled home with one loving parent (and regular contact with the other) is better than living in a household full of palpable tension (which there will be, however you try to hide it). Your husband isn't ever going to face up to the dreadful situation he has created if he's allowed to continue to have his cake and eat it. And more importantly, you and the girls will be better off without having this sorry excuse for a man under the same roof.

My Mum protected us from the details of our parents' split until we were old enough to understand (which must have been hard for her as I was a real Daddy's girl and missed him lots) but now we are fully aware of exactly what went down and whose fault it was. We love both of our parents but when it comes down to respect my Mum will always win hands down. Amazing woman :)

Good luck Mebloo - you deserve so much better than this

Update -

I've come a long way in my thinking in the last week. I've nearly come to terms with the thought of being a single parent. I've started to visualise the house without him and his stuff, mentally rearranged furniture, planned what's going to be in the patio pots in the Spring, that sort of thing. Self esteem is currently stable, but I think will improve once I get some certainty. Doormat comments are absolutely taken on board with no offence taken - have been thinking the same thing myself - but it's still difficult.

I'm still very up and down. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm going to have a brave day and manage to function well and not cry. It helps that I have DD2 24/7 as a nice warm body to cuddle (although the conversation is crap and she keeps vomiting on me ). Other times, I have flashbacks and flashforwards, and they make me dissolve in a heap. The flashforwards are actually worse - I can cope with the thought of me being single, but I cannot cope with the images of H, OW and the DDs playing happy families, making cakes, playing on the beach, etc. And I'm having anxiety dreams about all sorts of things, the worst being how on earth we tell DD1.

After one of my weepy meltdowns, I told H to leave. He flatly refused. Is still claiming ambivalence, but refusing to see Relate or similar, or even talk it over with neutral person. Says it's his right to stay in the house as it's his house (i.e. he paid for it, his name on deeds). So I'm kind of stuck. I'm not leaving - it may be his house but it's mine and DD1's home - and I have the matrimonial home rights registered with the Land Registry, so he cannot force me out either. Not quite sure what to do from here. I know I want (?need) to stay living here in the event of a formal split or divorce - there are at least 3 other mums on this street who have offered to help with DD1 (and that's without even knowing my marital situation), we are near school, and right in the centre of my support network.

I do think that H will leave when OW's house purchase completes, and that must be getting pretty close now, maybe a matter of weeks? I reckon he's just being a lazy coward and waiting until OW has a nice feathered nest for him to go to. I did tell him I'd heard Travelodges were very good but he balked at the cost.

Hawklore - thanks for sharing your story - makes me feel much better to know that the relationship between DD1 and DD2 is not necessarily doomed.
Countingto10 - you might be right about H having taken legal advice - but thanks to MN (earlier on this thread) so have I! I got myself a free half-hour with a solicitor weeks ago - was left feeling pretty confident that I would ultimately end up with the house, and a pretty hefty maintenance payment.
MajorB - I think you are right about him not being bothered by mutual friends knowing... but he has yet to tell his family... I will be VERY interested to see what their reaction will be.
NettleTea - can I ask - how did you force your H from the house?

Bumping for you Mebloo.
Don't really know what to say but have been following your post.
Congrats on dd2, she sounds lovely apart from the vomiting bit!

Mebloo: we are rooting for you.

Strong woman!

Not feeling strong at all today In fact, I'm really struggling. We went to register DD2's birth, and I could barely stop myself crying. It just seemed to crystallise everything that was wrong. It was supposed to be a time of happy celebration, and I felt that it has all been spoiled.
H asked if I wanted to go for coffee afterwards. I declined - I realised there is nothing left to talk about apart from what has already been said enough times. And I didn't want to make a spectacle of myself in public .

Have you given yourself a time limit for this - as this status quo cannot continue. Do you feel up to setting the legal wheels in motion, to focus your twunt of a H's brain ?

My DH knew I had a time limit to what I would put up with, when there would be a point of no return for him. I had already made him collect his bin bagged stuff, had an appointment for a solicitor and an appointment for Relate as I was in such a state the solicitor said I needed someone to talk to (and I didn't have a newborn, post prenancy hormones etc to deal with). Have you arranged some counselling for yourself (maybe talk to your health visitor) - speaking to someone neutral might give you the strength to take some control over this god awful situation. Your H is being incredibly cruel to you.

When I started to take proper control (I was in a state of limbo for 6/8 weeks, like you, unable to think straight etc), DH suddenly "woke up" to what he was doing and what he was going to lose. Your H may well run off to OW (and tbh I think he is just binding his time atm with you until it suits him to leave ).

Sending you strength and best wishes. Be kind to yourself even if it is just a long soak in a bubble bath.

Sorry to hear things are still crap. I would definitely get some counselling to help you through this - I am concerned that with your post birth hormones and a newborn that you will end up with PND.

DO take care of yourself and remember that the sooner you take control, the sooner you will start to recover properly.

Oh Mebloo this is a horrible limbo like period but none the less- impermanent, this time next year you'll be in a much better place, just the fact that you're able to look after your DCs every day is an acheivment at this stage- I have been thinking of you I hope you are accepting peoples help and eating sleeping well

How are things going for you Mebloo ?

Mebloo

Can I strongly recommend you read 'Heartburn' by Nora Ephron? Apart from being very funny, she was in the exact same situation- her husband having an affair when she was pregnant. It might give you some comfort and strength xxxx

I hope youre okay Mebloo

Thanks for bumping and for thinking of me. It's 9 weeks now since confrontation day, and we're still no further on really. Still in limbo. H is still seeing OW at work, and contacting her via e-mails and texts in the evenings, but not spending any evening/weekend time away from home. He still claims ambivalence, but suggests that things are hopeful for us, and is cutting down on contact with OW. (For once I have been able to verify him not lying, as I've been able to check remaining credit on his PAYG mobile). OW's house purchase should complete in the next few weeks (keeps getting delayed) - we'll see how ambivalent he is then!

I've had a couple of good days recently - settling into being a mum again nicely, and DD2 is still breastfeeding and growing well. DD1 is still adorable and still happy. I spent Monday with a friend, helping her sort out career plans and job applications, which really boosted my self esteem as it was the first useful adult thing I've achieved in weeks. And I have been out with some friends, leaving H babysitting.

I've thought about getting the legal wheels turning, and have taken legal advice and looked at our finances, but I'm reluctant to do anything just yet. The books I've read (Not Just Friends, How can I ever trust you again) still think that things can be mended even after this long, so I'm not wanting to close off any options. I've been to Relate (by myself), and counselling at my GPs. There is no PND (yet). There are good financial reasons for me not wanting to rush into divorce straightaway. We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed, even cuddling up at night (no sex though), and being civil. And we are trying to talk.

Strangely, I feel pretty in control, even though the limbo continues. I'm certainly in control of myself, the kids, the house. I can't be in control of H, and tbh I don't want to be. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of allowing him to get off the hook by kicking him out. If he wants to leave, he leaves voluntarily, with all of the burden of guilt that will entail. I know that I and the girls will be fine, given time. If he decides to stay and work at the marriage, I've started a mental list of essential things that would need to be agreed. If we get significantly past the OW's house completion date and he remains ambivalent, or if he is unable to accept my terms for staying, I'll consider starting proceedings then.

I appreciate all of your messages and concern - although it must be frustrating for you all that I don't seem to be heeding your advice and kicking him out!! I guess we all need to do things in our own time. It's still interesting and useful to hear your perspectives though, even if I choose to ignore them, so please don't let me put you off!

Dont worry I think you have to do what makes sense for you I am a name changer but have been with you throughout, I am glad you're making sense of things slowly well done you! sending well wishes your way

I am glad you are enjoying this time with your DD I am not jealous, honest..............

To be a little bluntly honest you are sticking you head in the sand a little.

His credit on his mobile doesn't need to go down as he is having plenty of contact with OW at work and freely emailing and texting her from home! So thinking he is not lying about reduced contact is way off the mark. Don't you think you deserve a little more respect from him than this? To be texting her while at home with you!

Do they work in the same building/area? He can be going out with her every lunch time and doing all sorts of things then coming home to you and cuddling up in bed with you. Ug sounds vile sorry I hope that is just my imagination and not reality but considering that he has been having sex with her and is still not decided about what he wants I wouldn't put it past him.

You would not be letting him off the hook by kicking him out, you would be making the decision that you and your DD are more important and deserve better than to be treated as second class waiting while he makes up his mind (or until her house completes).

I hope I am all wrong and it works out for you. Good luck!

Mebloo, everyone does things differently and what others might see as wrong, might be right for you at the moment.

I think that you have your eye on the ball but prone to giving in to the easy way out. Don't. Keep you and your DDs in the fore front. If he can't treat you all with respect and is not 150% committed to your marriage and your family, then you have to let go.

Right now, its a waiting game. Don't make it easy for him. He needs to earn trust and respect back. Don't take the easy way out and forgive him quickly. He needs to realize that his actions have heavy consequences. Or, you will be going through this again in a couple of years.

Honestly, it seems to be that he doesn't think that he has done anything wrong. He's just sorry he got caught.

Remember, demand more of him for you and your children. If he's not willing to do it, then there is no point in continuing this marriage. You deserve someone who will not falter because you got pregnant or things get a bit tough. You deserve someone who will work hard at a marriage and family together, not take the easy way out.

I am sure it doesn't need to be said but don't have sex with him. So, don't give him a free pass.

Keep strong and stand firm. Don't take the quick fix and don't let him off the hook. Hoping the best for you and your DDs.

Hi meebloo! Congratulations on the birth of your new little baby.

So sorry for what has happened to you with your DH! Do you sometimes wish that you hadn't posted as everyone is eager to give advice to you?

Stay strong, girl, and perhaps everything will turn out well.

Best wishes