Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

And yet these are the sorts of things that cheating partners don't even think about in pursuit of the extra-marital shag. In addition to all the crap you're going through (bet he's not having sleepless nights of worry and pain), you're the one who's going to have to steer your DD (not to mention the new baby) through her heartache. Bastard. I could rip his balls off for you!

Don't worry about rambling on. You sound like you are doing very well.

Hope you are ok? What a bastard. :( here's an unmumsnetty hug for you ((HUG))

Hey mebloo - hope you're managing and have some fantastic friends holding your hand through this, how are things doing? Sending more very unMNer {{{hugs}}}

.

Thanks for the hugs, and for bumping. Sorry I've not posted updates - it's very difficult to get to the computer with some privacy to type, as I tend to cry when I type so I can't do it unless I'm completely alone, and I've been out of the house a lot trying to keep busy and be with friends.

I've not got long before I need to get DD from school, so here's a summary:
Have told GP and midwife, who have both been lovely. Have counselling appt booked, but not for a couple of weeks.
Have seen solicitor, who provided some reassurance at least about housing - my issue was that I am not on the deeds at all as H bought the house before we got together. Apparently there is something called "matrimonial home rights" which means that I can get the Land Registry to put a charge on the house so that H cannot sell or remortgage it without my petition or a divorce court order. Solicitor cannot see me being evicted during period of change (i.e. new baby), although that might come later as part of overall settlement if divorce went ahead.
Still feel like a wet dishcloth, and have not plucked up the courage to confront H, although have been dropping big hints about how miserable I am in the hope that it might prompt him into admitting things. Slight waves of anger are starting to appear amongst the despair, so the time might be near.
Have caught out H in a lie, so am now even more convinced that my suspicions are 100% correct.
Getting closer and closer to giving birth. Don't have a birth plan. Not sure who birth partner might or might not be. Have done a bit of shopping but heart not really in it.

Thanks for listening - must go! x

I've not commented before because didn't really know what to say, but I am so incredibly sorry - and he is a fool. It seems a lot of men do this when wives are pregnant. As though being an actual grownup is just too scary, so they retreat into fantasy. You are being so extraordinarily brave - I hope the moron wises up. If you want him to, anyway.

Take care. You are worth a million of this.

At the moment you simply have suspicions. If your h runs true to form, if/when you confront him, he may well try to convince you that you've fallen victim to pg hormones and imagined the whole thing - and you'll start doubting yourself.

How's your acting skills? Go to h's place of work c11am one morning claiming that you came out carrying your purse (i.e you had the money to get to his office) but left your keys (hide them in a pocket) in your handbag together with your mobile (you couldn't call to let him know you were on your way) and need his keys to get back in the house.

With luck you may bump into the OW who may, or may not, be aware of the impending birth of his dc2. Don't worry if she isn't present; word will get back to her. Go on a charm offensive with as many of h's colleagues as possible- 'we' can't wait to welcome our new addition, 'darling h was so wonderful last time round', 'darling h' is a brilliant df to dd and our new addition will have a doting df' gush, gush, blah de sickening blah.

Smile sweetly throughout, linger as long as you can - maybe a slight dizziness necessitating a cup of tea etc? Dress smartly casual for the occasion - think yummy mummy with bump. Light daytime make up but lippy is a must and your cheeks should have a blooming glow even you have to paint it on with rosy pink blusher.

In any event, I strongly advise you not to show your hand or voice your suspicions and continue to watch and wait. If he should announce that he's enamoured with another woman you can completely take the wind out of his sails by coolly and calmly telling him 'I know you've been playing me for an idiot for months but, as the saying goes, the yolk's on you'.

'I instructed a solicitor some weeks ago and I'll be filing for divorce citing your adultery - btw, tell your OW that she'll have her 5 minutes of fame - and unreasonable behaviour. Of course the dc and myself will continue to live here and my solicitor will be in touch with you regarding maintenance and other matters'.

'There's nothing further to discuss and I suggest you now go and pack what you need and leave'.

Repeat the last sentence as often as necessary and keep up the enigmatic front until he's out of the door at which time you can vent.

Keep your self-respect and dignity at all times and don't let the bastard grind you down because, if he's done what you suspect him of doing, he's nothing but a lowlife piece of shit.

Had a bit of a breakdown last night and very very nearly confronted him, but have decided I want to push and push him and see how unsubtle the hints have to be before he actually admits something. Then I will know what (if anything) is worth saving.

Amongst many many tears, I told him I was despairing and terrified because I thought I'd be a single parent in six or so weeks time, that I deserved some love, respect and honesty, that I was fighting for his love and to save our marriage and family life. He said "fighting who?" - I think he was inviting me to say what I knew - so instead I replied "fighting you". Might have added "you prat" but cannot really remember.

He was pretty dismissive to be honest - said I was hormonal, depressed and paranoid (fucking right I am; and Izzy - you must be psychic!). He volunteered nothing about the OW. He did say he would not be leaving me on my own with a baby, the baby is an innocent in all of this, and that he would love the new baby as much as he does our DD.

I'm not sure what to make of all this and would welcome some objective viewpoints. Is he:
a) Lying through his teeth and preparing to leave once he has somewhere to go? (OW is in process of buying house)
b) Terrified of family separation and/or divorce and trying to keep us together with the aim of ditching OW? (I do know from previously that he feels that once trust is lost in a relationship, it can never be regained, so probably perceives that not telling is a better option if he wants things to continue).
c) Terrified of family separation and/or divorce and trying to keep us together with the aim of keeping OW going as well on the side?
d) Something else?

As for me, I'm still monitoring behaviour, forming my opinions, trying to picture our future either with or without him, trying to work out what's best for me and the kids.

Izzy - I didn't do too well on the self-respect and dignity front last night! I'd be a crap actress, so would not be able to carry off what you suggest, and my self-esteem is approximately that of a slug. But I will think about what you've said and try to build up how I feel about myself.

I am afraid I think you do need to confront him and give him a short sharp shock by pulling the rug from under him & bursting his bubble.

Do not wait as it may be too late to salvage anything as once your H has moved in with OW, he may feel that there is no going back.

(that is if you still want to try and save the marriage)

I think I agree with Madabout (whilst the look on his face when you present divorce papers would be worth a fortune, this is rl and not a soap opera).

The lack of empathy/sympathy from him atm is common for people in the throes of infidelity - my DH was absolutely vile to me (his guilt reflected/displaced).

Take some control as soon as possible. Get your hair done, manicure etc, build yourself up front the outside in and then confront him. All this stress is not good for you or the baby. Ask him to leave whilst you decide what you want, regardless of whether there is an OW or not, his behaviour is having an extremely negative effect on you and some space would do you good, give you head space etc. Do you want him with you at the birth ?

Thinking of you.

I repeat again that I strongly advise you not to confront him for the following reasons:

1. Although your instinct appears to be telling you otherwise, you could be wrong and he may in fact not be having an affair.

1. He may have some form of dalliance with the OW but has seen the light and ended it.

1. If he is having an affair but is not willing to come clean, he'll continue to claim that pg hormones have made you paranoid.

4 This will make you feel even worse than you do now as you'll start to question your sanity.

5.. This will lead to you confronting him again and again in an attempt to get to the truth (you'll be like a dog with a bone).

1. He may then claim that the continual tension in the marital home has driven him out of it.

1. If he leaves now it's probable that he'll move into temporary accomodation and if he subsequently moves in with the or an OW, he'll claim that nothing happened between them until he was 'free' - and, as you'll never be able to be absolutely certain that your current suspicions are correct, you'll be left wondering whether you caused your marriage to fail.

Get to work on that diminished self-esteem of yours: you are young, you are attractive, you are intelligent, you are caring, you have a wonderful dd, you are about to have another wonderful dc and, whatever the future may hold, you have the inner strength and resources to deal with it - and deal with it with grace.

In other words you have a fuck of a lot going for you and the only glitch in your lovely life is an h who's been behaving like a twunt and you're either going to kick him into touch or kick him out - and you're going to do it with style!

Your first lesson is to learn how to compartmentalise and gain control of your thoughts. Put this glitch into a box and stick it on the back burner until tomorrow. If you're tempted to drag it out and poke through it later tonight (i.e. make another attempt to get h to 'fess up) replace your negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones - visualise your dd's smiling face, or a lovely beach you once walked on, or any thought that makes you feel good, and hold the image until the urge to get stuck in with a full frontal confrontation session has passed.

Of course the sisterhood will slaughter me for saying the following (stuff them, it's not their marriage that's going through a rocky patch) but if you can't bring yourself to be all out charming to h, at least make an effort to paste a smile on your face, ask how his day went and engage in any chit chat as if you don't have a care in the world.

Remember, I'm only asking you to do this for one night.

He did say he would not be leaving me on my own with a baby, the baby is an innocent in all of this, and that he would love the new baby as much as he does our DD

Please hold on to what he told you last night; regardless of whether your suspicions are correct, it could well be that underneath his twuntery he is an honourable man.

So, so sorry about your situation OP. Only just read it all and really do not know what to say, except that you deserve the biggest hugs in the world.
Please stay strong and keep posting on here. [BIG hugs]

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Do "honourable" men really have affairs behind their pregnant wife's back?!

I know of otherwise honourable men and women who have committed indiscretions of various kinds with various outcomes, Renaissance.

Their indiscretions have been brief because committing an act of duplicity is as painful to them as it may be to others who are involved in their fall from grace (hard as that may be for some to understand) and they have not sought to, nor will they ever, compromise their integrity again.

IMO there is a world of difference between a man or woman who
fails to live up to their high principles on one occasion and a serial philanderer/adulter.

Oh god, do I really have to say this....?

7 years ago, I had the affair. My partner had no suspicions, and caught me out by accident. Before then, had he, like you, asked me if I was planning on leaving him, etc - had he asked for any honesty - I'd have lied through my teeth and said whatever needed to be said. I was planning on leaving him. The person having the affair - in my experience, at least - just doesn't give a shit for the truth. I'm sorry. They wouldn't be having an affair if they did.

We got through it and built a stronger, more mature, version of our relationship. You could too, but in the meantime, OP, treat everything he says to you with a large pinch of salt.

Honourable men do not cheat behind their pregnant wifes back.

A truly honourable man would go to his wife and explain that he is feeling tempted for xy or z reason and ask for her help to sort out whatever the problem is. They do not do what my dearly beloved husband did and go out and fuck someone else.

There is no honour in cheating, one off or not.

And yes I am being sarcastic when I say "dearly beloved husband". He cheated on my in my pregnancy and I think he is a cunt.

The bastard would appear to have had a sordid shag in a Travelodge today. I found a receipt in his coat pocket. Room paid for overnight tonight, early check-in, he was back home with me by 8 pm and is currently snoring in bed. I am in spare bed as I just feel sick with rage, despair and general disgust. He was supposed to be on a work trip today. I knew OW would also be going.

I took quick photocopy of the receipt while he was in the shower. Seriously, Izzy, how much suspicious behaviour and circumstantial evidence does one need before confronting? I am seriously losing my sanity here.

You do what you need to do, love

I would have cracked a long tme ago

You have enough evidence with the receipt, but mainly with how you are feeling

That should be enough for anyone

You are going to make yourself ill if you hold it in

Am not sure how he could explain this latest incident away

but who cares ?

You feel like you feel...it's not going to change until you force the issue, he is not going to wake up one day and confess

Even if he denies this, you know how he has made you feel

that is the dealbreaker, never forget that

I have to go to bed now (about an hour ago, actually)

All the best, you don't deserve this x

I know it's hell, but I also know that he'll have a reason for having that receipt in his pocket.

It'll be that he booked the room for a client or a colleague or some such, and he'll make doubly sure that he doesn't leave anything in his pockets again.

Just occurred to me, (forgotten what number you dial to prevent your number showing - is it 1471?) call the Travelodge and ask to be connected to room number or whatever name is shown on the receipt.

If someone answers the room phone, you don't need to say anything - simply hang up.

The longer this goes on, the more ill you are going to get and the secrecy of their affair is going to have the effect of re-fuelling it.

You have loads of evidence. You've seen an E mail, you've got several receipts now for purchases he wasn't meant to make, confirming he was at places he wasn't meant to be.

Confront now with the evidence you've got. Make sure it's at a time and a place where you will be un-interrupted for several hours and go for it. Very often, when affairs are brought out into the open, the reality hits home and they end. While I can understand you biding your time initially, prolonging this agony has made you feel worse and allowed today's events to go ahead as planned. Don't let this go on any longer, for your own sake .