Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

Thanks for all the comments. A lot of food for thought and I'll try to answer some of your points.

I'm trying to keep busy today, and take care of myself. Done a huge food shop (on the joint credit card ), put the healthy food in the fridge and ate the chocolate ). I have got the washing on with baby bedding, and am planning to declutter and make some space for baby clothes.

I've told H that, as things stand at the moment, he's not exactly top choice to be birth partner and will be looking after DD while I am supported by one of 2 female friends or my mum (the latter being slightly awkward as I've not yet told my parents what is going on). Actually, I'd be happy with H supporting me in the first stage until one of the others can turn up, but his betrayal means that I can't cope with sharing the intimacy of the birth itself. The downside of not letting H be there is that if we do decide to try to mend things, his bonding with DC2 might be adversely affected.

Thanks for the website and book recommendations. I've ordered the book, told H it's on its way, and hinted that he could perhaps look at it too.

It's not just him deciding whether he wants me or OW. It's also me deciding whether I want him to stay. We both have thinking to do, and we are both sensible enough to know that the best decisions are not necessarily made in the heat of the moment. I certainly think that in my heavily pregnant and hormonal state, I'm in no fit state to make life-changing decisions. Time is our friend. What's the rush? Bogeyface: Do you want him because you love him and think you could make it work? Or because you are frightened of being on your own with a new baby? I really don't know the answer to those questions. A bit of both, I guess. That's what I'm thinking about.

H is spending time with OW in the sense that it's unavoidable that they see each other at work. He claims to be distancing himself from her, i.e. no non-work meet-ups, but I have no way of verifying this without staking out their office (difficult when heavily pregnant and needing the loo every half-hour!). It's quite a specialised field they work in, so there's no point trying to insist that either of them looks for work elsewhere. Whatever the eventual outcome, it's better for me and the kids that both H and I end up living around this area - then I have my existing support network, and H on-tap for help with childcare, as when I go back to work after maternity leave I will have irregular hours and nights to deal with.

I really do see everyone's point about asking him to leave now - and H has said I can request that and he would go. I don't know where he would go to. OW is currently living with her ExP until her house purchase is completed, maybe 6ish weeks' time? However, I cannot see any overall benefit in H going sooner. Positives of his going: possible boost to my self-esteem, feeling like I am in control of situation, revenge. Negatives: devastated DD, lack of practical support in late pregnancy (H is on best behaviour at the moment and delivering cups of tea in bed, doing cooking, washing up, offering to take DD to school, hauling me up from the sofa when I get stuck, etc), financial issues (he is currently paying bills), puts barrier in the way of mending things if that's the direction we choose to take in the end. I think on balance, I'd prefer him to stay. Of course, I can/may change my mind about that at any time.

I've been thinking about my self-esteem, and decided I am a bruised peach. Yes, I've taken a big knock - I feel fat and huge and pregnant and unloved. (Inevitably, OW is skinny.) But I think my core self-esteem (my peach stone) is intact, and I think it will stay that way. I am curvaceous and womanly, have lots of friends, am intelligent, employable, loving, can provide for 2 DCs on my own if necessary (as long as I got the house in any divorce settlement)... I don't think I need to throw him out to preserve that self-esteem. I just need to keep reminding myself who I am, and that's why it's so helpful to write here.

Izzy - I am intrigued by your plan and looking forward to hearing more.

I think that in the same way that you didn't want to confront, because somehow that made it "real", this is also why you don't want to force the issue about him leaving. All the while he is still there and you can keep this from your family, it's as though it isn't really happening. A very understandable form of denial, in truth.

One of the disadvantages to him believing that you might even be prepared to forgive is that it will prolong his ambivalence. All the time he thinks both options are available, he will dither and enjoy the best of both worlds.

Love your last paragraph Mebloo, keep that peach stone intact

I'm so very, very sorry. What a horrible situation.

I think you do need to factor in one further plus to kicking him out. If he stays, he's not lost anything. He has the stupid bitch, and he has his family and home. The reality of losing you and your babies and the life you share is not present. Boot him until he can say yes, he loves and wants you and is prepared to treat his marriage vows with respect, and he has a short sharp recognition that his behaviour has consequences and costs - and he has to think about whether it is worth what he may lose, permanently.

I would also say that I think suggesting you play mindgames is a foolish and potentially dangerous one. Firstly, it will fuck you up. Playing with people and being dishonest is not conducive to good mental health. Secondly, people always know at some level when someone is doing it to them, even if at a near-subliminal level. Quite apart from your own pride and self-respect, you are currently the person in this who is behaving well. Start playing games and you are not. That is a toxic environment for your kids and will further damage the relationship, not to mention his respect for you. And no, it may not matter, he may be an arse you are best shot of - but if so then it doesn't require playing games.

Mindgames are not played by sane adults who aspire to happy lives. They will fuck with your head and distract you from what actually matters - who gives a shit what anyone else thinks, who gives a shit what she thinks. What matters is your two kids, you, and making a future for the three of you, either with or without him. And if he does leave, it will give him an excuse to think he had reason, because you were being a cow. So not a success on any level.

Either he and the relationship are worth saving, in which case only honesty - brutal, sure, but still honesty - will work. Or it isn't, in which case why waste the emotional energy? You are better than that. It can produce nothing constructive. It's adolescent and pointless and more than that - it will be harmful.

I totally agree with PerfectStorm

I would like to add another point to what she said though. If you decide that you dont want him then the best revenge you can get on her is letting her have him! Because do you honestly think that he will be faithful to her?

By having an affair with him, by being the OW, she is condoning cheating. She has basically told him that she thinks that cheating on your OH is ok, so therefore he has a green light from her to do it again.

You on the other hand have made it clear that you will not stand for this. In a longterm relationship which would you rather have? Someone who has strong moral standards or a slapper who thinks that shagging a married man is ok? He may go for her in the short term but he will regret it. And if you decide to make a go of it then you have the moral high ground because you have never put a foot wrong.

Either way, you win.

Mebloo:

I have to say that you are the most rational of person in your situation. You have made good choices, even not asking him to leave, because while you have this fractured relationship, you still need his help around the house and with your DD.

I don't know you but I am supportive of what you have accomplished. There will be tough times ahead but you are a strong person and you will get through this. If you decide to end your relationship with your DH, you will survive because like you said, your core is strong.

My teeny advice to you is that if you are close to your Mum, confide in her, that is assuming you guys are close. While it will hurt and disappoint her on your behalf, its better to have a supportive person who you can lean on.

Keep up the good work and I am rooting for you and your children.

About time for an update...

I am no longer pregnant . I had a beautiful little baby girl a few days after my previous post. She was slighly premature, but is doing fine now. We were kept in hospital for her temperature control and feeding, and also because my BP went too high and I needed monitoring as they were concerned I was developing pre-eclampsia, which can apparently show up after the birth. To be honest, I think the BP was more to do with the other stresses, but never mind, I am on medication now and things seem to have improved.

The day I went into labour, I had told my parents - it was a very stressful day for all of us. Dad was angry, mum was very very upset. Dad managed to hold his anger in while we were together, but did later pen a letter to H (which hasn't really helped things much). They went home before H got home from work as they didn't want to see him. That evening, I went into labour, things progressed pretty quickly, and they ended up back over at our house, so it was all quite awkward for them, as they were still distressed and hadn't really had time to process it all properly.

I'd not finalised a birth plan, although had lined up mum and a couple of friends just in case. My head had been saying "no way" to H being present due to intimacy issues, but when the time came, it just seemed right for him to come with me. One of the friends came here to look after DD and I just jumped in the car with H without really thinking about it. I didn't stop to ask what he wanted - was past caring at that point! Mum did also make it to the hospital with about 2 minutes to spare.

I am still in limbo. Still living with H, even sharing a bed, mealtimes, etc. He is on good behaviour domestically, helping with DDs, etc. DD1 is still unaware anything is wrong. I feel angry at having been sucked into living his lie, but I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights - I don't know whether to run, and if I do run, I don't know which direction I'm running in. I am just emotionally and physically so tired that my brain is not capable of making any decisions, let alone sensible ones.

H still claims to be in a state of ambivalence. He has not given up OW (is seeing her in office hours at work, and e-mailing/texting when at home), and I think the same applies to him about not being in a fit state to make good decisions. He says that both me and OW are in vulnerable positions at the moment, and it's not a good time to finish with either of us. Given that I now cannot trust a word he says, I have been trying to interpret** his actions and body language instead - this tells me I am on the Titanic, waiting for it to sink, which could be a long drawn-out process. H is becoming more distant again, like he was earlier in the summer. When I cry, he looks at me almost with disdain. He seems to be reframing the affair story to blame it more on the unwanted fatherhood issue, whereas previously he had blamed his own "weakness", and said that the affair may have happened even if I were not pregnant. We have tried to talk, but are actually getting worse at it, not better, and keep missing each others' point.

I'm reading "Not just friends" and a lot of it is ringing true, but I'm finding the process of reading it quite harrowing, and it seems to start me crying again. It seems like such a mountain to climb to try to mend things, and that's assuming we are both co-operating, which seems unlikely at the moment.

I keep thinking about whether to ask him to leave. I still can't see any benefit just yet, on balance.

Thanks for listening - sorry it was long.

**Problem is, my interpretations are almost universally negative at the moment, and I realise I'm not necessarily all that objective because of my own state of mind.

First of all congratulations on your baby girl I am glad everything went ok.

For what you are going through atm, I am not sure what to say or advise. I think you need to make your H's mind up for him. This status quo cannot continue for your mental health's state. In the words of Dr Phil, he either needs to be completely in the marriage or completely out ie all contact with the OW has to cease and he has to commit to his wife and family (in other words do what is right). All the while he continues to have contact with the OW, he will not (and I doubt cannot) commit to you. It is not his place to "rescue" here, be there for her etc. He needs to be there for you and your DC and I think you need to be really strong now and issue the ultimatum.

FWIW, when my DH cut off contact with his OW, she threatened suicide etc - he contacted her brother and told him to deal with her as his place was with his wife and children and he could not have any contact with her. He also told the OW this as well and as an adult, it was her decision to commit suicide or not (hard but true). BTW, when he upped and left me for OW, I never once threatened suicide so he was a bit when he left her after 6 weeks and she did.

Anyway, I digress. Try and summon the strength to give your h his marching orders - my family rallied around and helped me when my DH effectively abandoned me with 4DC.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Congrats from here too.

I would so love to slap your H for being the cause of the high blood pressure etc

I am with Counting10 - as long as you do not push H to make a choice between you and OW, nothing will change

You have supportive parents and I am sure they will look after you should you decide to ask H to leave.

what are you getting out of him being there? He is staying in order to help because you are vulnerable? yet he is treating you with an astonishing lack of respect and kindness. He is rubbing his affair - ongoing - in your face, while you are at your most vulnerable.

What do you need him there for? he will completely crush your self belief and confidence if you let him stay while he is carrying on an affair. I can completely undertand why you feel it's such a hard thing to do right now.

But - he is not a man you can trust, he is not a good partner and you would be better off moving forward without him dragging you down and causing you any more pain. He is a total and utter arse to do this to you, and the nerve of claiming you are both vulnerable - as though your position is equal - when you are his partner and have just given birth. how day he pretend he is doing a good thing by staying, when he makes no effort to commit to you or cut contact.

Firstly, congrats, Mebloo, on your awesome new DD :)

I know everyone's going to say this, and it's easier said than done, but please, please, bin that toxic man who's still hanging round your house, texting his mistress and bleating about how it would be a bad time to finish with both of you. That phrase, BTW, is breath-takingly cruel. So why not do him a favour, and make the decision for him?

Tell him to go. Draw yourself up to your full height, and say 'I think I'm worth just a bit more than this, don't you?'

Yes, he is being cruel beyond belief! You are his wife, you must come first . He is so wrong to do this to you ! And what sort of woman is his OW! She should go away and leave him to sort out his marriage . She would if she was worth anything.

He has no respect for you that he is texting and emailing her from home and still openly contacting her-how awful for you -you should be enjoying your new baby how dare they both take away from that just now.
I know you might not want to hear his answer but I think you need to sit him down and say that he needs to choose does he want to be with you or the OW. You are basically giving him permission to have the best of both worlds . If he wants to stay in the marital home with you as you both decide as a couple what you want to do -the very least that should happen is there is no email /phone contact , he should be willing to show you phone /emails and only the most minimum necessary work contact should be made. If he wants you he needs to show some effort and willing. I hope you manage to stay strong and congratulations on your new dd.

Congratulations on your new little girl, whatever else happens

He says that both me and OW are in vulnerable positions at the moment, and it's not a good time to finish with either of us.

Yes well only one of them is his wife who has also just given him a child.

How dare he even utter those words? You deserve better than to be left in limbo like this. He needs to sort himself out, and soon.

Sorry I meant to say whatever else happens you have your lovely little girl

Congratulations on your new baby girl x

I sincerely hope that when your head clears, you can find the strength to give this self-serving prick you are married to his marching orders

Poor, confused boy my arse

he is being incredibly cruel to you

one day you will wake up and realise it

No man is worth this

no man

How many people actually know about their affair Mebloo, just you and your parents ? If so, I think it needs bringing out into the cold light of day. One of the reasons he probably hasn't left you is because he doesn't want to be seen as a man who cheats on his pregnant wife and then leaves her when she has just given birth - hard as it sounds, it doesn't appear that he truly wants to be with you, just doesn't want to come across as the selfish, arrogant, truly cruel man that he actually is . Also, if it is a work place affair, there may actually be something in their contracts about it being gross misconduct etc. So that may also be a reason for them not wanting to out themselves - again not actually anything to do with wanting to stay with you.

I think you need to be really brave and get very angry, lean on your parents and rl friends. You are probably still in shock from the discovery and from giving birth - I was traumatised for weeks and I wasn't pregnant etc. But I managed to get angry and DH knew that he had to make a decision PDQ otherwise there would have been no going back ie move out from OW and to his mum's, all contact stopped, me having free access to emails, mobiles, facebook profile deleted etc. It is the only way......

I am so angry for you but I do know how hard it is, you can't stop loving someone like flipping a switch but like Tigermoll says, you are worth so much more than this.

Mebloo love, why are you doing this to yourself ?

Please get rid of him

He will still be the dc's father

Clinging to him as a husband is just so, so sad and his opinion of you will be reducing every day you put up with this intolerable situation

OP first of all I'm really really sorry you are having to deal with this crap, and stress and hurt :( You have all the evidence you need and there is no doubt, and NO getting out of it for him. You have seen proof... loads of it.

Get the confrontation over with. You've held on far longer than I ever could.

Thinking of you

I don't know whether to offer congratulations or commiserations!

Congratulations on your DD.

This man treats you with disdain when you cry. What a fucking bastard. He is not there for you emotionally.

He thinks you are both in a vulnerable position so can't be left. You wouldn't have been in a vulnerable position if not for his actions. Lay the blame squarely where it belongs at his feet.

This man is re writing history, it is becoming 'your fault' you trapped him with children

It must be a complete head fuck having him in your bed and knowing he is texting/calling her callously in the house

You will not heal while in this limbo.

It will really be hard and painful if you ask him to leave. He will in all likelihood go running straight to her this will show you exactly what he is.

That is when you start healing though. Although you will still be shattered from two little ones you will be able to breath and gain some clear head space.

If he decides he wants a relationship with you he needs to cut OW right out and look for another job. No texts, no contact, nothing.

All the time you let this continue he will carry on with both of you. Until he ups and leaves you for her less complicated and more fun life with no children

Good luck and enjoy your precious children.

Congratulations on your new DD!

I'm not sure why he thinks the OW is vulnerable (how vulnerable are you?!) or why that should in any way be your problem. Can't believe he's still there and carrying on texting etc under the same roof as you and his brand new baby and child.

He will never make a choice while you and OW don't force the issue so I think you should tell him to leave. Emotionally, you will be much better off without him. It won't feel like that at first but you will get stronger in time. He is draining you dry without you realising it. Tell him you and your dd's deserve a whole lot better and more importantly please believe it yourself because it is true. You wouldn't want this for your daughters, would you? By the time he realises what he has lost, you will be a different person.

Congratulations on your new dd. You WILL get hrough this.

mebloo congratulations on your new DD!
I have read this entire thread and I am choked up with tears, I can't really beleive that someone could treat another human being in this horrendous way.

I would say it is probably important to 'start as you mean to go on', express your vulnerability to everyone in your support net work and you will get lots of help, he is a dead stone now, he has done irreparable damage, as soon as you can summon the strength kick him to the curb.
I really wish that the pain will dry up as soon as possible and you can move on from this and enjoy the happiness you and your children deserve in your home.

Oh god mebloo. I read that you were still sharing a bed with him and my heart sank.

He's being an utter, utter fucking cunt. The longer he's there, the worse you will feel. He's just a horrible toxic cloud spoiling your beautiful, precious time with your new daughter.

Please, if you can find the strength, tell him to fuck off to OW. You and your DCs and your DD have a chance to start over without this prick in your life. I hope you manage to get rid of him soon. For, me the relationship would be way, way beyond any repair.

I really think mebloo cannot see a way through this at the moment, other than desperately clinging on to this shipwreck of a marriage