Pregnant & paranoid? Or is DH having affair?

[Mebloo]

I have namechanged for this. The aim is to write as a kind of diary (that DH cannot find) to help me process my very convoluted thoughts. Common-sense, supportive comments and hand-holding welcome.

The background: I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. We have been married about 9 years. Things were going well until ttc this child - DH was ambivalent at best, and thought we should stick at one. I talked him round. Then we had a mc and I re-persuaded him.

So he's not really been "on board" this pregnancy. His worries as stated have centred on the negative effects of a second child, e.g., time, logistics, finances. He has been a bit distant since I started to show, and now never initiates affectionate exchanges, let alone passionate ones. My self esteem is at rock bottom. He has also been quite snappy in recent months - leaving me feeling like I can never do anything right.

To be continued...

i currently suspect my partner. I have two children as does he with previous partners. He really wanted a baby and after a not very nice pregnancy with my second child and Ex the new one always said "I would really look after you if you were carrying my child".

Needless to say that i am now 13 weeks pregnant and he doesnt ever acknowledge the pregnancy- everytime i talk to him about this he says that he doesnt know what to do. I though that when i was showing maybe it would seem more real but no. I have had sickness and tiredness (linked with looking after our 4 children aged 6,7,8 and 9 over the summer hols- i have these off as i work in education) but when he gets home he asks me whats wrong with me or why am i so tired or why am i moaning i feel sick- its all in myhead apparently. I wouldnt mind but i try not to moan as i know it irritates him.

Our sex life used to be amazing (3-4 times a day- no exagerrartion) and now its once very now and then becasue he isnt 'feeling it'- it gets to the point i have to keep wearing stockings and suspenders to try and turn him on.

last week i had to borrow his phone becasue mine was broken and i couldnt rely on my car to get me to my destination- whilst in traffic I was reading his texts and he basically told his ex he was working in the riots (he's a police officer) and how scary it was. He wasnt at all. When i questionned him when he got home he lied and came up with a shit excuse about why.

He wasnt happy i checked his phone and now deletes every text he recieves and his phone isnt left lying around anymore.

why do men do this? do they not understand how we feel and what we go through? mit breaks my heart and i feel like a general dogsbody.

fingers crossed for you
x

Sorry about my awful typing

Thanks for the comments - I am saddened by how common this sort of behaviour seems to be. Thanks especially to those who have reassured me about loving the new baby. One of my main fears is becoming a single parent around the childbirth/newborn period, because I think that's a recipe for PND if ever there was one. I also burst with love and emotion when I hug DC1, because I cannot bear the thought that she might end up living without either parent, as she is so loving with us both, and requests cuddles from both of us at bed time.

I will see if I can access the phone statements, but not sure if they exist as we are payg..

DH and I did have a talk yesterday, just in general about anxieties for the future. I shared some of mine (although not the biggie!) in an attempt to get him to open up, but he remained closed, as ever. Just a typical man when it comes to that sort of communication - nothing new for him.

Time will tell, I guess. I am in no hurry to accelerate the process.

I agree with others I'm sure even if your H is up to something it won't affect you're relationship with baby.

Just to give him the benefit of the doubt has he recently upgraded his phone, I ask because I got an iPhone from DH for Xmas last year before I had it I left my phone everywhere and rarely used it, now it goes everywhere even to the loo. As I can check eBay/bank/MN etc from it. If he's just recently changed to a smartphone it could be that?

Failing that I'm sorry it does sound like he's up to something and I agree you should keep quiet until you have solid evidence that he can't lie his way out of.

Why don't you bring up the subject of infidelity, as though you're talking about another family? So you could say:7

"Oh, you know Sally from work? She's just found out her husband's having an affair. Yes, they're splitting up - well, obviously, she can't stand to even be in the same room as him, so he's had to leave because they've got a baby so she's entitled to stay in the house. Yes, he's living with his girlfriend, but Sally won't let the baby go there. Yes, he just sees the baby for a couple of hours at the weekend. Yes, one of the men at work has always fancied Sally and has asked her out - not sure whether she'll go, but I think once the divorce is over she will. Did you know you can get divorced so quickly? Amazing, isn't it? Yes, he'll have to pay 20% of his income to her, even if she lives with someone else. Wouldn't that be terrible? But you can't blame her. Fancy finding out you're married to someone who you can't trust. It must be terrible - who can blame her for throwing him out?"

PS No idea why I'm saying 'Yes' all the time - like a nodding dog!

Good in theory Imperial but...

I remember talking to H about a poster on here that found out her OH was cheating when she was pg and he was disgusted (or said he was) and made all the right noises. Of course he was cheating on me at the time we had the conversation!

Also, frightening him about what could happen re the house, money and child if the OP leaves wont stop him doing it, he will just try and protect his house and money and may start him implying that she isnt up to being the primary carer of the baby so he gets the baby too. It has happened, there have been threads on here from women who have had that done to them.

Realistically, there are no many women whose husbands are having affairs and who actually get custody of the children, are there?

no but there are alot that try and cause alot of worry and heartache along the way. I just wouldnt give him any warning at all if I was suspicious as it might make him cover his tracks better and then the OP wouldnt get any proof at all.

As well as his relationship with me changing, his relationship with his mobile phone has changed ... I suspect the other woman to be a particular work colleague who has just been mentioned a little too much recently.

Oh dear, you've got phone-passion and mentionitis. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. Playing detective feels awful, doesn't it? Must be ramming head-on into your nesting instincts at the moment, too :(

I loved the sim swap idea, but mine stores everything on internal memory so the trick will only work if you know about how his is set up - stuff could be on the sim, an SD card or in the phone. Or he could be deleting immediately.

If I were stuck in this position again (I was also pregnant) I would have hired a detective.

Bad news I'm afraid. Minor snooping has confirmed my worst fears. Bastard. And I was correct about the identity of the other woman. Well, I may be feeling shit but at least I know my intuition is good.

Head is a whirlwind of anxieties at the moment. Not confronting him yet, just preparing myself mentally. If he's going to leave, I wonder when would be best ( relative to baby time)? Don't think I can cope with being heavily pregnant and looking after devastated DD at the same time. But also don't want DD to forever associate arrival of new baby with loss of beloved father. And definitely do not want to lose custody of DD. It's all going to be such a fucking mess.

Please excuse swearing.

Li11, sorry you are having a rubbish time too.

How awful for you. I haven't got any advice bur people will be along soon to help ((((( hugs))))))

So sorry, Mebloo.

Given that you have the upper hand at the moment - you know, he doesn't know you know - now would be an excellent time to speak to a family solicitor or two.

Glad someone else is awake! Thanks for the support and hugs.
What sort of things do I need to discuss with solicitor? How do I find a good one? What does it cost roughly?

Oh you poor love... My exP did this whilst I was pregnant and I think it was only MN that kept me sane.

Do you have any family you could go and stay with for a few days with dd whilst you quietly get your head round this?

Don't do or say anything too soon, try to make a plan - go and talk to your GP who will have heard it all before and might help find counselling.

You're going to need all the support you can get, whatever you decide to do, but, if possible at all - don't cry in front of him, be calm, don't shout.

Pamper yourself and DD - play with her and plan with her what you'll be doing together when the new baby arrives. Keep dd at the very centre of your focus

Huge {{{hugs}}} for you and your babes xxx

I'd go to your GP before a solicitor, you don't know yet if your marriage is over and you need time to figure out what you want.

I'm sorry you have had your fears confirmed and I'm afraid I'm another one who has been in the same boat. Your world will feel like it is crashing down at the moment and there is nothing wrong with being practical and protecting yourself in this situation.

However, I would not take it for granted that your relationship is over. What have you found out? Is it incontrovertible? I ask because you need to make sure you have completely undeniable evidence and then confront him. It was my husband's response to being challenged that saved our relationship.

I held things back and tested him and he was honest. More honest than he needed to be. He was on a collision course with disaster and was somewhat relieved to have been found out.

It has taken a long time but with counselling we are in a much better place than we were before his affair. It takes a lot of work and there are good days and bad days. But it can be done!

Don't feel pressured to take any particular course, do what feels right for you, but by all means make sure you are legally protected. Good luck.

Sound advice Wabbit - sorry you have been through this too.
Cannot go and stay with family as they are 300'miles away. Have midwife appt today, where I am anticipating I will break down in tears. I'm actually poorly at the moment with a chest infection I think - wonder if they will admit me to hospital?

You will not lose custody of your DD so don't worry on that score, courts will not separate siblings and they don't separate Mum's from newborns. Put that worry aside. Go and get some advice about how you will cope financially from the Lone Parents Advisor at the job centre. You don't have to do anything but knowing your options will definately help alleviate your fears and that is what you need right now.

It's great advice to bide your time but if you can't don't beat yourself up over it I don't think I could do that. I'd have already gone into demented mode.

You only need a solicitor if you are going to get divorced hang fire on that for now. You may need one further down the road but not yet.

I have seen visa receipts suggesting they were away together when he was supposed to be on business trip. And an e-mail that is very soppy and they sound completely in love. Don't think I stand a chance, tbh.

I am fairly demented already!! But managing to blame erratic behaviour so far on hormones and feeling genuinely unwell.

Another piece of advice is to be careful who you tell. I was tempted to shout from the rooftops about what a bastard he was, but now - several months down the line I am glad that our respective families don't know and we didn't have to put up with everyone else's opinions and thoughts at the time.

I am also glad now because things have settled down and I think if I felt that everyone else was looking at him thinking "bastard" and looking at me and thinking "mug" then it would be a lot harder to move on. I had one very good friend who has been my rock, she knows all about it, but will tell no one.

Keep your cards close to your chest and that way you keep all of your options open and you stay in control.

My suggestion re a solicitor is because it's very handy to know where you would stand, legally, if you chose to go any further. There's absolutely no obligation to formalise anything, but it's easier to choose your path and stick to your boundaries if you know what the deal is.

Most family law sols do a free half hour consult, I think. That's all I'm suggesting at this point. Mitmoo's suggestion is good too.

Sorry if I sound too pragmatic. I am really, really sorry for you that this is marring what should be a happy expectant time.

Make sure you have a copy of the email incase it gets deleted. Don't assume anything from the email, though it must be very hurtful to read that. You need to gather your evidence and then see what he has to say for himself.

Having needed this section of Mumsnet in my darkest days, I now read a lot of the threads on here and it's amazing how many men think they are 'in love' with the OW until the reality of losing their family hits home.

Tortoise suggestions of a free half hour is a good one but most of what you need to know can be googled if it goes over that half an hour and then starts to costs. Just to get the information if it comes to a divorce then definately get lawyered up.

Keep a copy of any evidence elsewhere, it's vital you talk to someone in RL who will help to support you through this, don't bottle it up, that will make you ill. He's a good liar to have pulled off a weekend away but he's not that good as he is leaving a trail. Can you see if you can find his bank statements florists bills, jewellers, that kind of thing?

As an aside apart him being a bastard, what kind of a woman goes with a pregnant woman's husband, what a completely selfish bjtch. Sorry just had to get that off my chest.

I think you need to prepare yourself for more revelations .

Ditto what everyone else says. Look after yourself first and foremost, gather more evidence if possible (just so you can verify what he discloses or challenge him appropriately as these men only tend to admit to what you can prove), arrange some legal advice, if possible before you confront him as it helps having some control/knowledge when yours is spiralling out of control. It does not mean you will separate/divorce and yes, your marriage can survive this if that is what you want. I am 2.5 years on from my DH's affair, not an easy path to walk but can be done and our marriage is better .

Get as much RL support as possible - your H is probably "in love" with being "in love", those feelings are addictive and when reality hits home, his feelings may change dramatically. Try and remain calm and dignified, you will feel better for it afterwards .

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is the recommended reading and I found this site very helpful in the early days, made me realise what I was feeling was completely normal.

Take care.