Mebloo - I am so, so sorry to hear about your H. Terrible news, especially when you are so vulnerable. Having been through the heartbreak myself I can feel for you and you've had some amazing advice and support on here - these girls are fab.
Just want to share my experience with you, I hope it gives you some hope that there is a future. Sorry it's so long.
ExH still hasn't told me who he had the affair with, though I have heard from several sources that it was as I suspected all along before I even found out for sure; a friend of mine that worked for us, older than me, married with 3 kids, and WHO HE LIVES WITH NOW, God he thinks I'm stupid.
My 3 DCs had to watch me fall apart. He insisted on staying,which didn't help. Deluded, he carried on with the affair, thinking I didn't know - we even had a family holiday with friends which was a nightmare as he kept disappearing off, and we all knew where he was going with that phone. Totally humiliating. As was his repeatedly saying 'God, you're paranoid, you need to see a doctor, you need help' for six months before I found out and six months afterwards.
As he didn't want to leave, naturally I thought he wanted to stay and bullied him into counselling (disaster - you both have to want it to work). He admitted the marriage was over but insisted he hadn't hurt me and all was fine - three years later he still can't admit what he did to his family. After the 'holiday' it still took me two months to kick him out, and that is when he could tell everyone that I ended the marriage, even though everyone knew what he'd been up to!! Idiot.
The DCs watched me go through every emotion imaginable. They knew he was lying to me and to them, and I was so worried for them.
However, though he is a complete arsehole, and has got worse, he never ever stopped telling the DCs how much he loved them no matter what. I didn't, either, we both told them that not much would change, and the fact we were able to keep living in the house probably helped with that so I guess we were lucky. He was able to tell them that everything was going to be ok, nothing would ever change the way he felt about them, and after he went he had them twice a week. I am proud to say that despite what he did to me, my DCs never felt he was doing it to them because he still loved them, and so did I. They have come through without a scratch. I have cross-questioned their friends' parents, teachers and whoever else comes into contact with them, and had nothing but positive feedback. I think the key is to make sure that your DD knows she is going to be just fine, and that by seeing her Dad she isn't being disloyal to you. If children don't feel they are to blame at all, and that you are both there for them if not each other, they know they will be looked after. I think the thought of 'but what will happen to me?' frightens children.
Three years on, I have an amazing DP (9 years younger, get in), and we have just found out we are expecting a baby. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I suspect my DCs prefer him to me...and he adores them back. ExH is still with OW, though I have recently heard from a few sources that he's been sh*ing two other (married) girls in the office, so guess he will never change. Can't help but secretly smile to myself...I'm not paranoid, my senses are super-tuned! I was worried I'd have trust issues with subsequent relationships but can tell you that not all men behave in that shabby way, there are definitely some wonderful guys out there.
Mebloo it's a shitty time for you, but I promise you that whatever you decide to do (and please give yourself time to decide), you will come out of this with two amazing DCs who will grow up to respect their amazing Mum who went through all that but still loved and supported them. Please keep posting, let us know how you are doing. (((((hugs)))))