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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shy man ( I think)

169 replies

ithastobedone · 15/08/2011 22:32

Sorry to be a name changer. Not for any other reason than, I feel a bit of a twerp TBH.

Simple question really.

How best to let a bloke know that you fancy him? I have known him as a friend for years- it's come as a bit of a surprise to me even. When we are together socially we talk a lot and get along really well and he'll very often hug me.

I'm so out of the dating loop but we're both free; I think he likes me but he is very shy and I don't want to freak him out. What would you say to let him know?

Is it really daft to send him an email because I couldn't possibly bring myself to phone him.

He lives far enough away that I could avoid him if I make a complete arse of myself.

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buzzsore · 15/08/2011 22:43

Go see him and jump him Grin.

Seriously, I think you'd be best seeing him in person and saying it to him. You could always have a glass of wine and then pretend you were piddled if he doesn't respond as you'd like.

Original poster
ithastobedone · 15/08/2011 22:49

I'd love to!

Trouble is, I have been around him when we've both has a drink and I just can't bring myself to say it! I think he thinks i don't fancy him and I so do. In fact I think he thinks no women fancy him! And he is just too much of a gentleman to try it on

What would I say? I'm so hopeless at these things.

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FabbyChic · 15/08/2011 22:56

Just tell him you would like to be more than friends.

hellymelly · 15/08/2011 23:03

Yes,I think "you are gorgeous" or "I really fancy you" is fair enough under the circs!

AnotherBloke · 15/08/2011 23:16

You should tell him, but try not to get too heavy, it might scare him away. Try do tell him in a lighthearted situation, or drop it into a casual conversation, so you have an escape route if you don't sense any response. However He will probably reply 'I never thought... You and me?', but trust me he has thought...

Good luck!

susiedaisy · 15/08/2011 23:21

Ah he sounds sweet, I have no advice for you, but good luckSmile

Original poster
ithastobedone · 15/08/2011 23:27

AnotherBloke...Are you a bloke? Please say you are!

I wonder sometimes whether he has thought anything. We just get along so well and he does, in fact live a way away from me.

You don't reckon a message on fb will cut it?

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Original poster
ithastobedone · 15/08/2011 23:29

And susiedaisy, he is so lovely we all love him! He definitely isn't gay, that much I do know!

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AnotherBloke · 15/08/2011 23:44

I am indeed A Bloke... I'd bet a lot it will have crossed his mind... He maybe thinks, you don't stay nearby, so why risk messing up a friendship. I've been in exactly that situation.

Facebook? No, much better face to face...

GaramMasalaGirl · 16/08/2011 00:09

He sounds adorable......completely agree with anotherbloke. You should do it face to face and in a light hearted way. And as you say....if you do end making a twat of yourself, you live far away enough to save your blushes.

Please please please do it......when are you going to do it? Will you please tell us when you've done it?

I so enjoy the beginning of a love story

waitingfornaru · 16/08/2011 02:41

Watching this with interest ! ;)

Original poster
ithastobedone · 16/08/2011 20:53

I'd like to think that I could tell him sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, as he lives miles away we have no plans to get together any time soon.

Usually a bunch of us meet up and it has been known for us to go several months in between times.

Don't hold your breath Garam!

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tadpoles · 16/08/2011 21:46

Develop the friendship to the extent where you could have a conversation about this type of situation. Talk about what might happen in a hypothetical way - that gives (both) of you the opportunity to 'test the waters' without jumping in and possibly damaging the friendship - which would be a shame.

If he is shy, do not push it at all. A softly, softly approach - once he has got the vibes that you might be receptive to something more than a friendship - then you may well find that he has similar ideas, but just needed the green light! Or, if he does not want to take it further, then you have given both of you a fall-back position and hopefully will avoid bruised egos and general embarrassment!

hellymelly · 16/08/2011 21:54

Don't leave it for months,he may be hooked up with someone else.Just call him and ask him for a drink or something. I called my (now)DH,as he had my number but hadn't got round to ringing,I was fed up waiting! He may be agonising about asking you out after all.Do you get the feeling he fancies you?

buzzsore · 16/08/2011 22:07

For goodness sake, make some plans to go see him! Don't wait, make it happen. Arrange to go do something in his area and meet up with him in the evening. Then pounce! Grin

Original poster
ithastobedone · 16/08/2011 22:09

Helly, believe it or not, I have never phoned him but I do chat with him on fb sometimes.

I have known him for many years and I have only just felt "the spark" myself. How or why that happened I don't honestly know.

I truly believe he does not consider himself attractive to women, hence why he never has a gf and any subtle pass would be completely wasted on him!

He is definitely someone who will need it stated rather clearly.

To me, he is very attractive but is there a reason some men just seem to have given up on women?

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Toadinthehole · 17/08/2011 01:00

A word of warning from a shy bloke.

The same thing happened to me. A very good friend turned sweet on me. Unfortunately, because I'd got it so fixed in my mind that she couldn't possibly be keen on me, I turned a blind eye to her pretty blatant flirting. Eventually she just jumped on me. I'm not really exaggerating when I say that she pretty much had to stuff my hand down her top to get the message through my thick skull.

Alas, it didn't last and my heart was very broken Sad but it leaves good memories and I met someone else shortly afterward. Smile She also jumped on me. I actually wasn't so sure about her, but her decisiveness made up my mind. Grin

HedleyLamarr · 17/08/2011 07:03

Another shy type here. You can either spell it out in words of one syllable (or less if possible) or jump on him. Option 2 works best, believe it or not with many shy men as they either cannot read the signs or are too shy to act when given the most obvious come on. Like Toadinthehole says, many shy men simply refuse to believe they're good enough for you so you will have to whisper something along the lines of "I'm going to ride you like a Blackpool donkey" (cheers Buppy!). If you want him, don't bother with subtle.
I could tell you some tales but won't. I'm too shy Smile Blush

looner · 17/08/2011 08:32

Not sure how physcial you are with him, but if it's usually a hug and a kiss on the cheek, next time you are out with him and have had a drink - kiss him, on the lips, gently and not too quickly and not snogging, and then look into his eyes, if he doesn't look horrified, do it again. He may not respond the first time, if he doesn't respond the second time, he's probably not interested.
Hope he is though !

Original poster
ithastobedone · 19/08/2011 22:04

Apologies for the resurrection of my boring little thread (have been away for a couple of days).

Nothing to report; still not sure which way to play this. Can't stop thinking about it though - annoying!

We live approx 250 miles apart and he always does the traveling as mine is his home town. It's unlikely I'll see him in the flesh for the next few months so, what do I do?

We've both been single for ages, the only difference being, I've been around the block a bit more than he has (but not at all recently). I have no reason to believe he'll be snapped up but who knows? I'd kick myself.

Someone please suggest something; some way; some words; something to get this bloody ball rolling - I'm too impatient to wait months!

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hellymelly · 19/08/2011 22:11

Honesty,ask him out.Why not? Someone has to do it or you will never get together,and if he is shyer than you then why not take the initiative yourself? .I had a lovely,gorgeous friend,who with hindsight I think really liked me,but i never gave him any way in as I was young and a virgin and a bit anxious about it all.(I was 22,but a late developer!) Anyway we never got together as he never asked me outright,and I ended up going out with a much more forward man who was really vile and messed me up no end,emotionally. How I wish I had just asked my friend out myself! so with DH I did call,and reader ,I married him.
Go orn, you know you want to.a bottle of wine might help too..

Original poster
ithastobedone · 19/08/2011 22:49

I do want to but It'd be odd for me to phone hin - I NEVER phone him. I email or fb him.

How awkward would it be if I swigged a glass of wine and said it all in a phone call and he went all cold on me? I don't want to embarrass him or myself.

I absolutely do realise how ridiculous I'm being....sorry! I suppose I'm hoping someone will come along and grant me 'permission' to e mail him instead...

What about the days of love letters, that was nice wasn't it?

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PercyPigPie · 19/08/2011 22:51

Oooh how exciting! About to put this in my watched threads.

Maybe send him a link to his ... or a belated valentine card ... or pretend to have won a romantic week-end away for two ...

LeBOF · 19/08/2011 22:54

Why don't you say on facebook chat or whatever, that doesn't he think it's odd you never phone each other? And ask if he's ok to talk now. Then play it by ear, chat, maybe casually ask if he wants to meet up without the others some time soon...then you can gauge if he's interested, and go on a 'date', and take it from there?

Original poster
ithastobedone · 19/08/2011 22:59

Aww thanks Mud. ROFL @ belated valentine.

How can one woman be so pathetic?

If you knew me in rl you'd wonder why I'm being such a nelly in this particular area of my life! I'm a sensible woman with a responsible career and I'm not without friends or admirers either!!

I am however a bit of a hermit and I like what I like and I like my friend and he doesn't know it!!!!

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