here we go. i knew it wouldnt take long....(long post!)

[ThatVikRinA22]

I have a very complex background, but to cut a long story short i have recently got in touch with my brother after about 12 years.

We had a very very bad upbringing. we were neglected and abused. i ended up in and out of care, he ended up homeless and on heroin.

i escaped our abusive parents at 15, married at 19, and have built a wonderful life for myself, with lovely DH and my two much loved children. I feel very guilty that i left my brother there, but i honestly thought he would be ok, they were very different with him while i was there. It seems when i left he got it, (then when he left, our mother got it)

My brother has only recently managed to turn his life around, but is doing very well, is off drugs, married, and has a child whom he appears to dote on. He admits he still has some issues around alcohol and cannabis.He has been nothing but honest with me.

we havent met up yet, as he is undergoing chemo treatment for hep c, but the plan is to meet up at some point. We do speak on the phone. I am being very careful, and am mindful of my job (i am a police officer)

Up until now, the subject of our "parents" hasnt really come up, though i am aware that our father (my step father to be precise) is dead and our mother now lives alone. My brother has chosen to stay in touch with her. I cut contact many years ago and am all the better for it - i did try for years to engage with her - but she is hard as nails, bitter, has a sense of entitlement that galls me and takes no responsibility for our past, and basically when i had contact with them both, i got very ill with panic attacks - when i cut contact they stopped. That says it all really.

My mother (and step thing) emigrated and never bothered to get in touch - i went on to move house and change my phone number.

i did find out when he (step thing) died, and my mother apparently then came back to live in the uk.

My brother says that she was very angry with me.

Anyway - i spoke recently to my brother who states that she is not averse to making contact with me. (ha ha ha fucking ha.)

he says she sends her best. (whatever the fuck that is)

he appears to want me to bury the hatchet, and appears to think i should be grateful that she wants some contact or something. he reckons he has dealt with his demons, and im very pleased for him, but the truth is that my life has been so much easier, calmer, nicer, without her in it. She will not tell me who my father is, and i cant forgive her for the things she put me through as a child.

I want a relationship with my brother. i want to meet his child and wife.

But now, with this rearing its head so quickly into our relationship - well i am a little spooked.
would you continue down this path?
would you continue to try and build some kind of relationship with my brother?
Would you give this woman a chance?
i dont want to end up feeling sorry for her, and i will, i always did, she is manipulative, and i have no doubt now, that she probably cuts a fairly pathetic figure - brother says she is an alcoholic.
but really - i feel like i got past all this and now.....i just dont need it. I have been so strong for so long, and i dont want that to waiver.

im sorry for the length of this post....and thanks if you got this far! i just want to hear what others think.
DH says i must do what i want, and truth is i would love to know who my father is, yet she always held this over me, and would never divulge even the smallest details, i dont even have a name., but i think she likes the sense of power and i dont want to give her that, i want to be free of how i felt all those years ago.

i guess my options are to back away completely from the whole lot of them.
to state clearly that i dont want contact with my mother
or to bite the bullet and allow contact with them all.

thoughts please....

thanks izzy

i had thought the same with regard to messaging my mother re my father. 'ill leave that one alone for now. she will want to be my brothers friend, and that will mean they have a common enemy now - ie - me.

i have twice tried to get hold of my SS files, but both times i have been told that they are long gone. another poster told me they should be archived, but again, when i spoke to the officer at the council (you are right - it was a different area - i had to contact Northallerton - no where near where i lived) in charge of this they said no - they only keep them for so long.

i am almost 40. these files would be 30 years old now, and i have twice been assured that they no longer exist in any form, and so i have come to resign myself to the fact i will not be reading those either. i contacted the right guy in the council - he was a tad arsey but there we go, i emailed a formal request.

its fine. they arent going to tell me anything i dont know already. i just thought if they were there id look, and they aren't.

tbh the social worker i had was rubbish anyway. he interviewed me in front of both my parents, several times. (is that not a no brainer?) the education welfare officer was kinder, so was the head mistress of my school and the gp that examined me.

the social worker wasnt interested. i think he came down firmly on my parents side because he had had dealings with my mother previously, she contacted social services when she wanted to be housed when she met step thing - ive no idea what was said, other than that she told me she was abused in the same family home as she left me in, and he, of course, was her social worker.

i still remember his name, because he was inept. this was social work in the 80's.

you just couldnt make it up.
he contacted the school and afterward their attitude to me changed. i actually had one head of year (another name etched into my memory banks) tell me that she believed i was lying and if i suceeded in splitting up my parents she would personally see that i went into a childrens home.
evil cow. i once saw her in a country pub, years later, how i resisted the urge to throw my drink over her i will never know...

anyway, i should get to bed.

thank you izzy for the offer to help, its much appreciated.

goodnight all, until tomorrow. onward and upward.

Have read through the thread and I'm so in awe of how together and sensible you are. I think you have done entirely the right thing and I think the email of last night was well judged. It gives a reason to your brother for your withdrawal so he can't claim not to know. Also someone should tell him to think of his child in all of this. He's probably too self absorbed but it might - in a more rational moment if he has those - make him think.

It doesn't sound like they will ever add anything to your life, nor provide any answers you want. Cutting contact is the most healthy way forward. Well done. It's too early for wine so I'll offer instead. :)

well, the good news is that i have had no contact, no texts. long may it reign.

thanks mulledbee.
i dont regret sending the text, and feel calm and ok about everything today. still feeling quite a sense of relief.

Good

ill have a quiet word with my sergeant when i get back just in case he decides to start mud slinging, its a horrible thought but one i cant quite shake off. The speed with which he went from being ok with me to sending me sweary messages over what was really nothing gives me cause for concern - i am worried he will try something to derail my job, if i warn my serg then at least if professional standards call me in for interview we will all know why....

i have learned a lesson from all of this. This was the second chance i have given him, i cant ever afford a third.

i wish i could forget the whole thing.

It'll take time. At least you tried though.

Now you've cleared some of the distractions from your life, you can concentrate on your feelings of self-worth and bumping them up so that you can enjoy the next good report you get, I'm looking forward to seeing the glow on the horizon from here in Devon!

As my dh says, the sun's over the yardarm somewhere in the world, so here's some , also some in case you're on duty and can only have .

(I think I've satisfied my juvenile delight in pictures for the moment.)

When's your next session, btw?

What reason do you have to suppose that your brother will start mud slinging? And what reason do you have to suppose that any mud he may throw will stick to anyone other than him?

The 'speed' with which he went from ok to hostile to nothing is typical of a dysfunctional personality. He's either sleeping it off or something/someone else has caught his attenton.

As I've said, I very much doubt that his last text will be his last and I wouldn't be at all surprised if any further communication from him fails to mention your latest 'falling out', as it were.

I cannot see that you have overstepped any boundaries between your personal and professional life. Indeed, you have sought counsellng to ensure that the boundaries remain intact therefore, IMO, having a 'quiet word' with your sergeant is as unnecessary as it is inadvisable.

In the highly unlikely event that PS should become involved you have nothing to hide and therefore nothing to fear, but having a quiet word with any of your colleagues or seniors at any time cannot prevent anything your brother may choose to do and may in fact, suggest something quite different.

The somewhat paranoid feelings you are currently experiencing come from your past and have no validity in your present. See them for what they are which is a desire to ensure that, unlike your previous experiences with those in 'authority', you are 'believed' this time round.

It is enough that you are now fully aware that having anything to do with your brother may affect more than your peace of mind, but please rest assured that there will be more than sufficient documented evidence of his unreliabilty should he attempt to smear your good name and reputation.

thanks jux - next session is 19th december, i would love a but am feeling horribly sick for some reason.

izzy - you may well be right, but its just a feeling i get, he has said something a few times that makes me think he may well try and stick the knife in, to do with when he was a drug addict living under my roof. i didnt think he was malicious but having read the message from yesterday (i did not fully disclose on here what it said word for word, but it was nasty) i would not put anything past him. His vitriolic out pourings on FB are quite startling, and i saw a different side to him, through that and his msg to me.

rest assured, he can text all he likes, he isnt getting an answer. i dont want contact, i knew he would take me removing him from FB badly, but this just sealed it for me, i made a mistake in ever doing any of this, and i know that i dont want contact any more. he will not get another chance from me, because i dont like him, i feel nothing for him, and he scares me. im glad this is over.

i did declare him on my vetting forms, but did say i had had no contact for 10 years (which was true)

i had told my Sgt that i had recently had contact from a long lost relative. i merely planned to say that that contact has now ceased, and that he had issues, of a type i wanted nothing to do with.

a colleague also with a relative who was an active criminal and addict had to have an interview with PS, so if he does rear his head i would expect to have to do the same.
i wondered if i should mention it for that reason.

anyway, not feeling too well tonight, going to try and unwind a bit, dh is home which is unusual, so going to spend a bit of time with him.
thanks everyone,

well,

i have had the most horrible few days. Im off work currently but am anticipating being signed off for a week anyway, as i fell down the stairs last week and have injured myself, cant drive or sit. Just as well as feel i cant cope with anything else right now.

I found out yesterday that my autistic son has run up debts, using pay day loan companies, credit cards and overdrafts. I am beside myself and have had to hand the reigns over to DH as i feel a little close to the edge.

ive had no further contact at all from brother. Feeling sad that it hasnt worked out but relieved, although i feel that to reply to the message from my mother now is pointless. i think im ok with that though.

feeling a bit of trepidation over the next counselling, not sure i can stand a telling off (which is how the last one felt)

feeling fragile. Cant go for a run cos of fall, which would make me feel better.

i am pissed off, quite frankly.
DH back to work so am alone with my thoughts.

well
i realise i am talking to myself here but here goes anyway...no need to reply as just getting it out is helping.

i got a msg from a mate in australia, who is on FB saying it looks as if my brother is "losing it" and that my "mothers comments arent helping"

part of me is curious to know what he is putting - just before is asked DS to delete him he said that he (brother) was ranting, something about people being "two faced" but he didnt read it and deleted him as i had asked....

probably just as well really. i dont need to know do i. it wont be good.

ive got counselling again on monday. this one should prove interesting. i think i will get a handle on whether or not i need counselling with this next session.
i am feeling more in control and much much stronger. they sapped me.

Vicar, so sorry. Think my 'I'm on' settings etc are too focussed and need refurbing, lost this thread;also been enmeshed in my course so only taking a few mins here and there on MN to avoid studying

No, you don't need to know. Yes, they sapped you. They don't call these relationships toxic for nothing, it's very descriptive.

You've spent a lot of time feeling guilty and responsible for your brother, that you owe him something, and with huge ambivalence about your mother - well, unequivocal feelings towards her perhaps, but still wanting something from her, it's been muddy let's say, which has meant there's still been a hold over you from her too.

Because of all that, you have been unable to make the decision to finally push them away from you so that they have no place in your life, and thus have left yourself open to further demands from them and more guilt for you, as you are unable and unwilling to accede to these demands.

Once you made that decision that you'd had enough and wanted to end it, and look forward - to stop creeping around on the ground, but to open your butterfly wings and fly - you have been released. This in turn allows you to be stronger as you are not processing that poison, and so you feel more in control.

Oh, I'm sure Izzy would put it much better and would have a much better and more real understanding of it and the mechanics, and she'd certainly think of things which wouldn't even enter my head, but it makes sense to me, and I hope that I've got a bit right enough that you can recognise something in there somewhere and run with it.

It's still early days though, and it can be quite tempting to revisit old wounds because you're feeling strong and resolute, but don't do it. It's too easy to get sucked back in and you have to make sure you don't; protect yourself and your real family. Maybe tell your fb friend that you don't really want to know what your brother's putting on his profile in future.

As someone said on another thread a little while back, you are over something when it can no longer make you jump when it appears out of nowhere to bite you on the bum (paraphrasing).

Monday will be interesting. Don't jump at finishing then, make another appointment - you can always cancel it if you really don't think you need it when it gets a bit closer to the time, though I would advocate taking as many sessions as you are offered; you're probably just about half way through a course, or whatever they call it, aren't you? It can still be really helpful when the initial reason for the sessions has been dealt with. There's usually some little tucked away bits and pieces associated with the presenting issue which can usefully be tidied up. You've got nothing to lose by going on.

I enjoy the occasional foray into quantum mechanics but, wherever possible, I advocate going with the flow of one's emotions regardless of where it may lead providing that it does not cause any further harm to the psyche.

It's taken me many years, and more than a modicum of trial and error, to learn how to live in the moment. I haven't mastered it yet but, athough it may seem that we're living in an everlasting elastic world of 'time',the moment is all we've got.

You don't need a crystal ball to predict that whatever your db and the woman who gave birth to you do, whether individually or in association, will lead to mayhem if not disaster.

You also don't need a crystal ball to know that if you allow yourself to get close to, or enamoured of, this toxic pair, they have the ability to bring you down in more ways than one

You swam out of the sink hole years ago and you're best advised to stay buoyant and don't look back, or look down unless you choose to do so from an island of safety.

As Jux has said, don't be be in rush to run before you can walk - you chose to have counselling for a reason and that reason was valid then and is valid now.

Do yourself a favour; see your series of counselling sessions through and you may find that you are finally able to put an end to the toxic pair's ability to let the past adversely impact on your present and your future.

i will go on Monday, as planned and take it from there. i am guessing they will be fairly keen to get rid of me to be honest as there resources are limited, but i'll see what he has to say.

it all feels very final, but thats ok. i dont feel bad, i dipped a toe into the water so to speak, to see how it would turn out, and i found out...

thanks again.

also, i think its probably time i let this thread die now, im going to try and resist posting on it again, probably time for the navel gazing to stop.

(unless Monday goes really badly...)

id really like to thank everyone though, for their support, help and advice.I think i might have burst a blood vessel sometimes if id not had MN through this one...
so thanks.