here we go. i knew it wouldnt take long....(long post!)

[ThatVikRinA22]

I have a very complex background, but to cut a long story short i have recently got in touch with my brother after about 12 years.

We had a very very bad upbringing. we were neglected and abused. i ended up in and out of care, he ended up homeless and on heroin.

i escaped our abusive parents at 15, married at 19, and have built a wonderful life for myself, with lovely DH and my two much loved children. I feel very guilty that i left my brother there, but i honestly thought he would be ok, they were very different with him while i was there. It seems when i left he got it, (then when he left, our mother got it)

My brother has only recently managed to turn his life around, but is doing very well, is off drugs, married, and has a child whom he appears to dote on. He admits he still has some issues around alcohol and cannabis.He has been nothing but honest with me.

we havent met up yet, as he is undergoing chemo treatment for hep c, but the plan is to meet up at some point. We do speak on the phone. I am being very careful, and am mindful of my job (i am a police officer)

Up until now, the subject of our "parents" hasnt really come up, though i am aware that our father (my step father to be precise) is dead and our mother now lives alone. My brother has chosen to stay in touch with her. I cut contact many years ago and am all the better for it - i did try for years to engage with her - but she is hard as nails, bitter, has a sense of entitlement that galls me and takes no responsibility for our past, and basically when i had contact with them both, i got very ill with panic attacks - when i cut contact they stopped. That says it all really.

My mother (and step thing) emigrated and never bothered to get in touch - i went on to move house and change my phone number.

i did find out when he (step thing) died, and my mother apparently then came back to live in the uk.

My brother says that she was very angry with me.

Anyway - i spoke recently to my brother who states that she is not averse to making contact with me. (ha ha ha fucking ha.)

he says she sends her best. (whatever the fuck that is)

he appears to want me to bury the hatchet, and appears to think i should be grateful that she wants some contact or something. he reckons he has dealt with his demons, and im very pleased for him, but the truth is that my life has been so much easier, calmer, nicer, without her in it. She will not tell me who my father is, and i cant forgive her for the things she put me through as a child.

I want a relationship with my brother. i want to meet his child and wife.

But now, with this rearing its head so quickly into our relationship - well i am a little spooked.
would you continue down this path?
would you continue to try and build some kind of relationship with my brother?
Would you give this woman a chance?
i dont want to end up feeling sorry for her, and i will, i always did, she is manipulative, and i have no doubt now, that she probably cuts a fairly pathetic figure - brother says she is an alcoholic.
but really - i feel like i got past all this and now.....i just dont need it. I have been so strong for so long, and i dont want that to waiver.

im sorry for the length of this post....and thanks if you got this far! i just want to hear what others think.
DH says i must do what i want, and truth is i would love to know who my father is, yet she always held this over me, and would never divulge even the smallest details, i dont even have a name., but i think she likes the sense of power and i dont want to give her that, i want to be free of how i felt all those years ago.

i guess my options are to back away completely from the whole lot of them.
to state clearly that i dont want contact with my mother
or to bite the bullet and allow contact with them all.

thoughts please....

Oh dear, I sent a txt saying I'd taken him off fb, and David there are other ways to stay in touch, said hoped he was ok etc, I just got a txt back which indicates he isn't pleased.. It's awful actually.
He says he never wants to speak to me again and I am a negative person in his life. And he has enough to deal with without me piping up,

Dh just said problem solved!

True.

David...? That should say 'there,.... Bloody iPad!

I feel a bit shaky now....

Proves he is unstable, think I had a lucky escape.

I've not replied to txt, I wanted to, but dh said I shouldn't .

What a little bastard. Still, jobs done. I knew he would respond that way which is why I was putting it off.

Think I'm with your dh on this.

Even though he's unlikely to ever respect yours, all you can do is respect his decision - and buy your dh a drink for telling it how it is.

As it happens, here's one for him from me and have one yourself

For the future, please learn from this episode that no prewarning or explanation is necessary when you're dealing with toxic relatives because they only serve to drag you even further into the mire.

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far imo?

There's no need for you to feel 'shaky'.

Remember, you are police officer. Stick your copper's hat on, chuck your db into the cells, and throw away the key for now.

im torn between feeling wronged, sad and just completely relieved.

i do completely respect his decision, and i am more fine with it than he could realise, because i was struggling to extract myself from this nightmare. I wont be bothering him again.

Not in this lifetime.

DS has removed him from FB also.

And i have left his number on my phone so that if he changes his mind i am forewarned who is calling, then i can choose not to answer, because i wont be.

i gave it a chance. its not worked. its simple.

im just worried i will have my house burned down, or find my cat swinging from a tree or something....

he knows where i live. im being silly hopefully. at least i have something to talk about in my next counselling, eh?

i will take that izzy. thank you.

i did right didnt i. i was right, and im ok, this was a blip, and now normal service can be resumed as they say.

oh another text....i cant read it. ive given it to dh.

ffs!
"with everything in my life do you think i can take another loss. you have really hurt me with that!"

do i even bother? or just leave it?

all i did was remove him from FB for gods sake.

im not doing anything tonight. decided. ill ignore the messages for now.

i feel like texting back saying what happened to never talking to me again..it lasted about 10 mins. .but i'll resist.

oh what a mess.

Just ignore - and contnue to ignore - his texts/calls.

The harsh fact is that his next fix will loom into his view and he'll soon become fixated on someone or something else.

I've managed to maintain relationships with similarly dysfunctional and emotionally draining individuals simply by ensuring that any interaction is conducted on my terms.

I do not respond to calls/texts/emails from anyone I am not eager to communicate with until such time as I feel I'm in a place of strength and am able to read/listen to what they have to say, and make the appropriate noises in response, without feeling depleted and discouraged in the aftermath of the contact.

Detaching is the key, and you've already got that one on your bunch.

yep. thats true. his instability and vitriol has un nerved me, and i need to recompose myself, and respond on my terms, if i choose to at all.

im not sure i want to continue down this path anyway. if removing him from a social networking site incites a text saying im negative and he never wants to speak to me again then perhaps i know enough to back right off.

truth is i was sick of reading his vitriolic bile on there toward his ex wife, and sick of reading my mothers nodding dog replies.

if he cant handle that then its not my problem. i had made it clear i was only removing him from FB, not from my life, but that can be easily arranged.

Oh, Vicar, very well done. Well done indeed. Another glass of vino? (as my dad used to say!), why not, you deserve it

thanks jux.
im having a cheeky glass of or two....

feeling emotionally pummelled. but im ok.

well, ive composed a reply that ends things, at least for me. i wont reply to any text back, ive decided that.

ive composed the following.;

"i removed you from a social networking site, not from my life, and i get a text telling me i am negative and that you never want to speak to me again. Thats all i need to know, the truth is i was finding it hard to read the vitriol on there. If anyone had yours, or more importantly your daughters interests at heart someone would be telling you to stop. However, if you would like me out of your life as you request then i will of course respect your decision. Its as you want it. hope things work out for you."

thinking of sending this and then changing phone number. not interested in any reply or getting into any conversation about it.

feeling ok. calm and in control. i have set my boundaries and im following them through. it was up to him how he reacted, and in the process he got me off the hook.

i know im talking to myself at this hour but hey....just writing it down helps.

i sent that message.

he must be well on the way to blotto by now cos i got a completely incoherent 3 word reply.

"I. having or."

makes about as much sense as the rest of it i suppose.

im done. and i can say that with a sense of relief, i tried, it didnt work, its not my fault, and i cant do any more, and nor do i want to. Im not going to hang around to be abused, not when i have a choice, and i realise i do have a choice.

they are all very welcome to each other, i will continue in my life much as it was before, with hopefully some better insight into why i am the way i am, and how far i have come to not allow myself to be abused any more. that i am strong enough to say no. that i made the right decision all those years ago to steer clear of my family, and feel completely and utterly happy and safe in that decision.

no, im probably not going to find out who my father is - but thats something i think i learned to live with anyway. she isnt going to tell me, and im not going to allow her the power to make that a weapon to use against me.
it doesnt matter anyway.

no going back for me now, and thats ok. i feel ok.

IMO you're engaging in woolly thinking as engaging with him again at this particular point in time can only result in more of the same.

The chances are he's already forgotten what he texted you and you'll shortly receive another message in a completely different vein to his last one.

What you're proposing to send him is tantamount to an apology and you need to understand that everytime you engage with him on his terms you are disempowering yourself.

Always remember that he's the dysfunctional sibling in your relationship and you should step back whenever his behaviour encourages you react in a similarly ill-considered manner.

Leave well alone until you have some gained some distance and perspective, especially as changing your phone number could result in him turning up unannounced at your door.

O, jeez, don't tell me you sent it! Why are you allowing him to jerk your chain?

Whatever you might say tonight, you know full well this is not the end of it and not the last you'll hear from him.

i actually like my phone number....

ive had it years. probably wont change it. i like it, its easy to remember.

im done izzy. im not engaging with him any more - and i feel absolutely ok with it. i dont feel like it was an apology, but i think its the first time ive ever been honest with him.

i dont want anymore contact, and im not even feeling remotely tempted to enter into a dialogue with him, the relief im feeling tells me i am ok with not having contact.

if he should turn up then dh will deal with him. i have warned both the kids, should he choose to turn up then he will be sent packing, or if the kids are here and i am not, then a phone call to my colleagues.

im not playing his game.

he text back, but really, i cannot explain to you how calm i am feeling.

i wont be responding.

im done. simple as that and im ok with it. i feel relieved. i dont want anything else to do with him. im not saying that in the heat of the moment, he did me a favour.

i can go back to my life. he can go back to his.

For your sake, honey, I hope that you remain of the same mind in the weeks to come and aren't tempted to revisit your decision.

izzy - no matter what i did - whether i ignored or replied - i feel it wont be the end of it, for him. he is drunk. he will send some sort of apology tomorrow, which i will ignore, because to respond would be to start all over again, and i feel like it finished for me tonight, and it did. for me.

i cant stop him turning up here, but if he does i will not be engaging him.

i want nothing more to do with either him or my mother. i can say that with certainty, a certainty i only felt tonight.

its weird izzy, but im ok with it, and i know, absolutely, that i will not be going backwards.

the sense of relief i am feeling is too much to ignore. And i dont feel like i have any unfinished business, for days, weeks, i have been shrinking back from contact with him, wondering how i could end this.

he did it for me, and im never one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Let's hope your gift horse confirms what I said earlier about miracles occurring more frequently than we are generally led to believe!

With regard to any missive you may send in respect of eliciting information about your df, I suggest that you put this on hold as your db is likely to feel irked for while and may exert some influence on her - not that I envisage she will be forthcoming on the subject but, nevertheless, in these matters timing can be everything.

You've mentioned wanting to see your ss file? These files are periodically archived; if you pm me with the name of the county you were living in at the time I can make enquiries as to where the relevant files have been stored - it's commonplace for differing city/local/county councils to band together as it were and share the archive costs of maintaining one building rather than several.