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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:12

Aw come on! I need to know whether to take some more paracetamol!

OP posts:
KBearthePolarBear · 04/12/2005 19:14

They say "it" helps get rid of a headache! But whether you should forgive him for being an old grump with the kids is another matter.

littledonkeyrach · 04/12/2005 19:14

Fair to you?
Or to him?

Think it's fair to him!
Depends on how bad your headache is really!!

WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 19:15

No - him not getting any shouldn't affect the way he treats the children. Sounds like it's time he grew up and took some more responsibility for his kids.

HarkTheHeraldAIMSMUMsings · 04/12/2005 19:15

No I wouldn't give him it, he shouldn't be rewarded for being grumpy, shouting and smacking for no reason You wouldn't give the kids a reward if they were acting like that!!

He has only done what you do everyday!!

I'd go to bed, early, on your own, to try to get rid of your headache, so you feel better in the morning

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 04/12/2005 19:15

Ha ha ! Men! Some are so so so predictable!!! Well the answer can only be given by you (well in more ways that one )
Its depends if you are in the mood "to give him one" because the way I see it is that it has to be something you both enjoy or you will feel resentful to the other one....I know times that I have given in to my dh I wish I hadn't and he probably felt the same as it is so not worth it.

If it was me I personally wouldn't give into him....He shouldn't have a go at the kids because of this reason but then thats some men for you!!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:16

Just is it fair all round? Fair to me that I should have to do this to stop him shouting at the kids? Fair to them that they should have to take the brunt of my lack of wifely duty? Fair to him that he should do so much with the children which he plainly dislikes doing and not get a reward from me at the end of the day?

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ENIDeepMidwinter · 04/12/2005 19:18

sorry but he shouldn't need a bloody 'reward' at the end of the day

just tell him there is loads of research out there that says men who help out a lot with childcare and chores get more sex - tis true honest

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 04/12/2005 19:19

OOPPSS..An argument has been made in the SHHHH household!! Seems like dh has a completely different point of view to me!! What did I say!!!!! Men!!!!!

glitterfairy · 04/12/2005 19:19

NO its not fair but then hey thats life. He shoudl get a grip and stop whining about the kids and throwing his temper around and shouldnt need a reward for being a dad!
Does he get you something for looking after the kids all day?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:23

Oh Enid you are right there! I can't make him understand that what turns me on (well, not turns me on as such, but gets me in the mood for sex) is him helping with the kids and the house and not getting grumpy and resentful about it.

We were watching that porgramme last night - 100 most sexy films or whatever it was. I said it was all a turn on for men, but not really a turn on for women, well not me. Dh said, "So what does turn you on (on TV)" and I couldn't get him to understand it was not scenes of explicit sex, but men do manly things IYSWIM.

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GoodKingWestCountryLass · 04/12/2005 19:29

Tell him to have a wank an get over himself. Sorry if that is too crude but flipping heck he needs to get a grip - literally....

Charleesawmummykissingsanta · 04/12/2005 19:42

NO! dont give it to him, he should learn that there his kids to and he should have to look after them like you do! relax and go to bed alone and tell him when hes in a nicer mood you may want to have sex with him on the mean time he can get bent.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:44

Yes but if being a dad means caring for the kids, doesn't being a wife mean providing some sex sometimes?

I just wonder whether it we all pulled our weight....

OP posts:
cod · 04/12/2005 19:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:45

Charlee, is that you? long time no see!

Get bent eh? That is a new one on me!

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Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:46

Ah but you have to understand that I never give him enough and I suppose I am feeling guilty about that.

It is lovely of the sisterhood to back me up here, but I still wonder if I am being entirely fair on him?

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Charleesawmummykissingsanta · 04/12/2005 19:49

Yep its me! down in the kitchen at 9.00am on mumsnet while ds is merrily causing havock!

I was going to say get screwed but i thought that would not be right with the situation!

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 04/12/2005 19:49

But sex isn't a 'duty'. You aren't contractually obliged to provide it, even if you're married. It's something we're supposed to do for fun. Whereas being a parent does have implications of duty. Duties which it doesn't sound as if he's taking seriously.

I do sort of know where you're coming from (so to speak, fnar fnar) but in this case I don't think it's a trade-off.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:49

You down under now Charlee?

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Charleesawmummykissingsanta · 04/12/2005 19:50

yep we been here for about 4 weeks we have finally got the computers sorted so i can come on mumsnet again!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:52

Ok, not my duty to provide sex.

But , as a caring mother, is there any weight of responsibility on me to keep dh happy so he doesn't take it out on the kids? I know the answer will be dh should grow up and not take his frustrations out on anyone let alone his own children, but the fact remains, he does get frustrated and he does take it out on the kids, and if I gave him more sex, he would be less frustrated. So should I do it, to benefit my children?

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Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:52

Where are you then Charlee? I had no idea you were going.

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paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 19:53

Give it to him???? Are you in corsets and a crinoline, woman???? I'd be making it quite clear that unless he grows up, takes responsibility for his kids and for cooking for the family, and stops being a grumpy git, then he will not be getting it ever, ever again.
There

Oh - and just because he doesn't get it 'enough' does not give him an excuse to behave like that. Crikey - I thought we left that sort of thing behind in our teens along with the spots and the angst.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:53

Not my dh paolosgirl.

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