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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

OP posts:
NutcrackingXmas · 04/12/2005 21:17

Dp has woken me up several times each night for the past 3 nights expecting a bit.

He didn't get anything but a mouthful of foul language from me.

I am knackered though and seriously considering chopping it off.

PantomimEDAMe · 04/12/2005 21:18

If he wants sex more often than you do, it is in his own interest to do things that might make you feel a bit sexier. Sulking because you are ill and, God forbid, he has to look after his own children is not the way to go.

No, I don't think you should force yourself to have sex when you are feeling ill. And definitely not to reward someone who is being an idiot (putting it very mildly).

Could your low libido possibly be caused by exhaustion because you do all the childcare and housework? If he did his fair share, with good grace, I bet you'd feel sexier and more loving towards him.

Or turn it round - if he went off sex, would you want him to force himself to perform for you?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 21:20

I have frequently read on Mumsnet the same thing gomez - men saying they would be horrified to think their dw was having sex just to satisfy them.

My dh doesn't seem to be one of them though. He has such a healthy libido, I think he is gagging for it (to coin a crude phrase) every day and he knows that if he waited for me to want it, he would be waiting a long time. Anyway, to some extent, if I am doing it, I want it, don't I? I never just lie back and think of England, despite how it might seem here. But yes, sometimes I am just doing it to satisfy him and I am sure he knows that.

OP posts:
littledonkeyrach · 04/12/2005 21:21

Have you explained to him that most women need to feel good to have sex, whilst most men feel good by having it?Not saying we don't feel good afterwards, but that we need to be "in the mood" as it were.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 21:23

Edam - it is not doing his fair share that gets to me - we have agreed it is fair I do the housework, cooking etc and he does the earning of money, that is a fair exchange of labour as far as we are concerned - but you are right about the good grace bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 21:25

Yes littledonkeyrach, I have explained that to him, but I don't think he understands. Men are from Mars and all that.

OP posts:
Flum · 04/12/2005 21:30

Nutcracker, full marks to your dp for persistence!!!

For the record my dh has never woken me up asking for a bonk. I just meant it makes it tricky as I am usually asleep. I did used to suggest that he could as I was used to being woken up by dd anyway but he is very considerate and wouldn't do that.

I find that if we waited until I wasn't knackered and couldn't be arsed we would be waiting forever more.

I just think if you do it when your not in the mood sometimes you surprise yourself and actually quite enjoy it. And it really doesn't take thaaaaaat long does it.

Flum · 04/12/2005 21:32

So made up your mind. are the bed springs gonna be bouncing in LMs house tonight?

you should try viagra, works for girls too you know!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 21:35

I am not sure Flum. Dh seems pretty narked off now after his stressful day! Hey do I care?

I admit I do have to psych myself up to sex most times we do it. I think my libido would just score 0 if I took a test! Always seems to me that there are far nicer things to do at night than test the bed springs.

But who knows? If we last had it 3 weeks ago and I get the urge every month, we must be dues something soon eh?

OP posts:
nooka · 04/12/2005 21:54

I think that out of synch sex drives can cause big problems (they did for us anyway) and it's not that you should be "giving it to him" but that he may feel rejected (you don't love him)and/or resentful (you are deliberately refusing sex to get at him). It is a difficult line to tread, because you may also feel resentful if you do go for it (sex can feel really ick if you are not feeling engaged). But I think in the long run it can create a real barrier, and needs to be resolved. If you quite enjoy sex once you get going, but just don't feel in the mood very often, it is worth thinking about why that might be, and what you or your dh could do about it. Sex can be very good for releasing tension (when you enjoy it, that is), and I would agree with littledonkeyrach about the more you get the more you feel in the mood - the converse is the less you do it, the less you miss it.

GoodKingWestCountryLass · 04/12/2005 22:07

Give him a copy of the Sex Inspectors book for Crimbo LM

emkana · 04/12/2005 22:10

Have only just returned to this thread after watching lost and I must say that I find it rather offensive, flum, that you imply my dh might be getting the sex he isn't getting from me elsewhere. He certainly is not!

With both pregnancies I went through so far we went through many months of not doing it and my dh coped with it because he is a grown up man who can deal with "not getting any".

GoodKingWestCountryLass · 04/12/2005 22:21

I agree with you emkana!

emkana · 04/12/2005 22:22

Thank you westcountrylass!
This has really riled me...

but also makes me feel happy that dh is so understanding!

GoodKingWestCountryLass · 04/12/2005 22:31

I bagged a good 'un too

gomez · 04/12/2005 22:37

Me three. I have just read this thread to my mum (as well as involving Dh earlier) to guage her reaction and as a 62 year old, married for 42 years she felt that anyone who has sex to pleases someone else or thinks a blow-job brings a man around needs to have a word with themseleves - her words.

moondog · 04/12/2005 22:39

Gosh...

Speaking in very general terms I would imagine that lm's dh is a bit pissed off (understandably) as is she(understandably).

Noone has really asked whether they discuss this situation. What a group of other women think is neither here nor there.

I don't 'do' personal sex stuff but would concur that regular sex does make men much nicer people..much more malleable.......

emkana · 04/12/2005 22:48

I'm sure it would put a spring in dh's step if we did it fairly soon, that's totally understandable, but I still expect him to be able to cope with not doing it for a while without taking it out on me, and especially not the children who have absolutely no part in it whatsoever.

emkana · 04/12/2005 22:49

Oh, and gomez - respect! I could never imagine discussing things like this with my mother!

moondog · 04/12/2005 22:51

Yesemkana...the children thing is really low behaviour.He should be able to recognise the equation between shared and relaxed parenting and happy wife.

Heathcliffscathy · 04/12/2005 22:51

it's the unecessary smacking that has really got to me reading this and your feeling that if you give him some sex that would stop.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 04/12/2005 22:55

Frankly if my DH was smacking the children and being a grump head, he'd be bloody lucky to make it into the same bedroom as me, never mind having sex!

It's all so depressingly immature

FWIW, I think that it sounds like you have both forgotton how to communicate with one another and this kind of silly behaviour is part of the 'well words aren't my thing, so how else shall I communicate'!

I think there sounds to me like there is a lot more going on in your relationship that just a lack of sex

nooka · 04/12/2005 22:57

What's wrong with doing something to please someone else? Isn't that an important part of what marriage is about? A lot of what I do for my dh (in bed anyway) is to please him, because that gives me enjoyment - I like to make him feel good. I expect in return for him to do the same, and he does. This leads to on the whole a good (and improving) sex life. It has taken us many years to get to this point, and we now live apart. I wish we had got there a great deal earlier! I belive that our problems in this department were because I was brought up to believe that nice girls did not enjoy sex, but that men wanted it and should be provided with it (variation on the all men are rapists theme). It has taken me many years to feel OK about enjoying sex, but it has really paid off - now I am much more relaxed, have fun, always orgazm, and then (and this is a really important bit) sleep really well. So for me it is worth the hour or so of sex knowing that I will feel good, be relaxed with dh and have a great nights sleep. So I persevere even when I don't really feel in the mood. This may be TMI, but I wonder any of you were brought up with the same mindset as me?

moondog · 04/12/2005 22:59

Agree with your points nooka but am confused..all now tickety boo in that department and yet your and your swain live apart.
Hmmmm,maybe that is why things are looking good??

merrySOAPBOXingday · 04/12/2005 22:59

Nooka - that's all well and good, but we're not talking here about someone who's feeling positive about her DH, are we!

What you describe to me, seems absolutely normal, what LM describes does not!