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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

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Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 13:33

I know i am going to sound like some pathetic submissive wifey here (and I am not, believe me!) but I don't think dh is being an idiot as such. He is stressed at work and perhaps unhappy about the lack of sex he is getting. I can be a very difficult person to live with. I am not saying it is my fault entirely and obviously it is up to him how he chooses to behave given his circumstances, but it is not just a quetion of dh being a prat. We have 4 children and most people don't have that many and might not appreciate the stress that can cause, although I don't think 4 children are any more stressful than 1 really, just that the difficult times go on for longer. Does that make sense?

My dh is not very useful with a cloth or a saucepan, but I knew that when I married him and it didn't bother me. He does all the traditional man things about the house: cars, DIY etc and has recently taken on our large garden which is a job neither of us particularly wanted. He gets up to the kids at night far more than I do. He has changed more nappies than me when we have both been around to do it. There are many good things about him. But he doesn't get enough (for him) sex.

I don't want him going elsewhere for his sex, so it comes down to me to provide it. I am going to try harder.

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yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 13:41

Awww hope everything goes ok for you LM.

Try to remember when you have a chat with him about your feelings to say "I feel ...." rather than "you make me..." or "you do......" etc.. otherwise he may become defensive. Also try not to get angry.

Think you're doing really well, it's hard enough with 2 kids.

FWIW think he should lay off the smacking a bit unless it's you that's into it ......another of my secrets spilling out

yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 13:41

And mean spanking not wife beating btw

Oh, I'll get my coat

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 05/12/2005 13:49

But do you really think he'd 'go elsewhere for sex'? And would you see that as your fault in some way?

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 05/12/2005 13:49

But do you really think he'd 'go elsewhere for sex'? And would you see that as your fault in some way?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:22

No I don't think he would, but if he isn't getting it at home, could I blame him for gong elsewhere? Well, yes I would! but a part of me would also feel I should have done more. So yes, I would see it as my fault in part.

I keep thinking about this thread when I go away from the computer. I am finding it really hard to separate out what is his responsibility and what is mine. You see, I don't think I could refuse him sex (not that I do totally) and then not let him think about getting elsewhere. If the boot ws on the other foot, and he was withholding sex from me, or love, or money, or other things we owe each other in a marriage, then there would be many telling me to get out and find it elsewhere. I don't see why it should be different for dh. And I don't want him to go so i have to change something. Don't I?

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trolleyshoeloose · 05/12/2005 14:30

Haven't read all the thread so don't know what people have said but thought this would make you laugh. My DH is always grumpy when he doesn't get enough of 'it' as you say! I refuse now to give 'it' just because he is grumpy because last time I did that we produced child number 3! (whoops). What a price to pay!

Love child number 3 very dearly and wouldn't be without him now by the way. In my head though, he is known as the 'reliever of grumpy husband child'

sobernoel · 05/12/2005 14:31

Well actually, yes, I do think sex is part of the deal when you marry someone. If sex with someone else is grounds for divorce, then that must mean that sex with your spouse is what you are supposed to do. But that doesn't mean you should put up with doing something you don't like. What you could try is find some way of finding out what you don't like about it. Is it just tiredness? (totally understandable imo) or is there something deeper you feel uncomfortable with?(also understandable but less easy to sort out)

I know you said you could never discuss this with anyone face to face - that may be part of your issue with sex. It's somehow embarrassing to talk about. We all blush and giggle when we discuss sex - even online we use all the blushes and brackets we can - so do you think you know why you might feel a bit more strongly?

emkana · 05/12/2005 14:36

I keep thinking about this thread too. (Still upset that flum suggests my dh must be getting sex elsewhere because I haven't "given him any" for three months. That was well out of order.)

But to come to the point, for me there is a hierarchy of what we owe each other because we are married - some things are essential, non-negotiable, some are desirable, but can be dispensed with depending on circumstances. For me it is essential that dh and I treat each other and the children with love and respect at all times (and if we don't an apology is called for - we are human after all and not always able to live up to that, but that should be the norm.)

On the other hand, there is for example the fact that we owe it to each other to provide for each other - and in our marriage, that means dh goes out to work, I look after the house. But that is to some extent negotiable, so when I'm not well I expect him to understand and help me.

Sex is an important part of the relationship, but negotiable as well. I've been feeling rotten the last three months and so I expect dh to understand that I can't "give it" at the moment. I would say though that when I'm well overall, but just not in the mood, I have a certain obligation to meet dh half way. But that doesn't mean that he can treat me or the children badly, never ever!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:37

Not really sure. I suppose I am just a bit prudish when it comes down to it. I feel circumstances have conspired against me to make me so, nothing overt made me prudish before anyone starts to dig deeper! I have never been confident with my body on a sexual level - it probably goes back to something daft like potty training when I was a baby! (Always good to blame ones parents for this sort of failing!)

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Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:40

emkana, I am sorry you were upset by the suggestion your dh is getting it elsewhere. Like you, I know my dh is not, and, although my dh is fed up of his sex life (or lack of it) I am partially proud of the fact that he can go periods without sex and is not some sort of machine that can only function with regular sexual input! I expect you feel the same way about your dh.

I think my dh's grumpiness comes from many years of sexual frustration and the feeling that it may never be right between us, rather than a recent falling off of sex.

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sobernoel · 05/12/2005 14:43

Tbh, it doesn't sound as though you are very far away from a solution to this. Honestly, the stress and exhaustion of four small children is bound to have a crushing effect on (already small) libido. Why don't you try being physically close to your dh with a promise that he won't push you for full sex until you want it? Cuddling and kissing, or talking to each other while you're in the bath or something. I bet that if you knew you weren't on that inevitable treadmill from first smile to rampant shagging, you would relax. Then you might find you actually want it nearly as much as he does!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:43

Also, not to excuse my dh, but I keep meaning to say that he has a far better relationship with his children than his father did with him so I think he has come some way from his upbringing. Unfortunately for dh, my dad was (and is) a very loving and supportive father so dh does fall short in my eyes of what a perfect father should be. That is another common problem as I understand it.

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sobernoel · 05/12/2005 14:45

posts xd - if it's been going on for many years, maybe it will take a bit longer, but you both love each other and want the marriage to work so that's got to be majorly positive, hasn't it?

Might there be some deep rooted fear that you will get pregnant again? - it does seem to have happened rather often for a woman with a low sex drive!

Omg - must go to do school pick up. Back later.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:46

Thanks for all your support Sobernoel. I do feel I just need to pull myself out of the mire of parenting little ones and have a look around at all the wonderful things going on around me at the moment. I seem to have got very bogged down these last few years.

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Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 14:50

Oh crossed posts again! Just when you were telling me I was doing well!

Getting pg again is a bit of a worry and more so as dh who had a vasectomy 2 years ago has only just got the all clear! For the last 2 years we have had to use condoms to be safe and I felt OK using them (well, I hate them, but OK for contraceptive purposes IYSWIM). Now he has the all clear though, we know we can do away with the condoms and yet we are both worried the all clear is not really an all clear and I for one would have major major hysterics if I got pg again. A fifth child is absolutely not an option I want, and termination is not something I could do either.

So, whilst fear of pg has been a bit of an issue these last two years, it is now much more of one (even though dh's all clear should put our minds at rest, after waiting 2 years, it seems to good to be true.) Does that make sense?

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yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 14:59

had to pop in before going to do boring tasks
Can totally relate to worrying about pg. My dh was supposed to get it done 5 years ago We have to still use condoms as I can't use the pill. They don't spoil our sex life though. BUT I'd hate to get pg and also wouldn't get an abortion.

Have you thought of getting sterilised? I have as a last resort. It may help to allay your fears?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 15:50

Well dh's snip was supposed to be the easier alternative to me being sterilised, so at the moment, I haven't thought about it, but I am not dead against the idea. Aren't there cancer implications though? (Aren't there with everything?)

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dropinthemanger · 05/12/2005 18:15

I think this is a really interesting and important thread that LM has started here-two issues side by side though and on very different tangents.
I realy liked Custardo's post-thought she was very positive and helpful-I think LM has been really brave bringing the issue of "sex to placate" up-it's certainly one that is close to my heart.Can't comment at the moment but know what it feels to have a virtually non-existent libido! Its shit!

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 18:21

Ah I love you Dropinthe!

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monkeytrousers · 05/12/2005 18:57

LM, "Just is it fair all round? Fair to me that I should have to do this to stop him shouting at the kids? Fair to them that they should have to take the brunt of my lack of wifely duty? Fair to him that he should do so much with the children which he plainly dislikes doing and not get a reward from me at the end of the day?"

I know I'm coming to this a bit late but you are joking aren't you hon??

monkeytrousers · 05/12/2005 19:01

I dunno, LM. Give in if you think that will help, but just tell him shouting at the kids because he's horny isn't on. Hasn't he learnt the art of distraction? What does he do at work, toilet break??

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 19:53

Probably MT!

And no, I wasn't joking when I wrote what you quoted. I don't know if I expressed myself very well, but I do find this quite a difficult issue to resolve.

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merrySOAPBOXingday · 05/12/2005 19:56

LM - I am very sorry if my comments last night upset you, I was making assumptions about your relationship which I should not have done. It certainly wasn't my intention to make you feel bad

In my defense though, your past about your DH and his attitude towards the children was rather damning. However, I did rather extrapolate things!

I do hope that you and DH manage to sort this side of your relationship out and that you continue to have a good relationship in other respects

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 20:01

No problem Soapbox. I don't know if I expressed myself very well really and I must have made dh out to be some sort of psychotic maniac, which he isn't.

But obviously things aren't entirely right between us and I wuppose I was hoping to hear from others that they have the same problems and have considered similar strategies.

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