Tonight's knotty question is...

[ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas]

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

sorry nooka, totally don't get what your post (enjoy sex, giving to your partner and being given back to are what it's all about, the madonna and whole dichtomy is utter nonsense) has to do with lonelymum's post???

pmsl, sorry madonna and whore...freudian slip i'm sure

firstly parenting is a skill and doesn't come naturally - its learned - this man of your LM has not an awful lot to do with the kids it appears and therefore has no strategies to deal with them. i think thats a given. my thoughts on that in particular are that i feel you are doing him a diservice. the solution maybe around family time or days off - like you have sat off he has sun off. as he gets to know the kids he will be more able to deal with varying situations.

secondly - sex is important and i think its rubbish anyone who says it isn't. its a major part of married life. and its great. if its not great then theres something wrong.

you need to go to the docs and see what they can offer. i think its your duty to yourself to get a good shag.

lastly i think you have communication issues - something you could perhaps seek councelling for or even just have one hour a week where you sit down and have a "no shit" discussion.

men arn't phychic. i think we all too often ( me included) think for gods sake - why dont they just..... - the think is you have to tell them you like foreplay or not, you like to be touched where? you like a massage, your neck kissed - whatever floats your boat - becuase all he want is his end away.

you need to find something that turns you on. its pretty piss poor to say that him looking after the kids is a turn on. your husnabd being nice - should be a given! not the exception. and i think you need to take that on board.

some women dig porn - some dont - have you ever seen any

some women read porn - ever read any - more mental stimulation. try googling "cliterati" supposidly written by women -its sex stories online.

oils?
candles?
pvc
high heels

if you feel sexy that helps.

you really have to make an effort - not for him - but for you. a good shag is great your missing out - help yourself. but i think communication and expectation issues need to be discussed and remember he's not pychic.

your in a paradox - hes understandably itching for it ( i would be too) yet a good person who wants great sex gets off on their partner getting off. if your not getting off - basically your giving him a vaginal wank.

hope this helps.

In my vows in church I promised "with my body I honour you" but I sure would not have "it" with my DH just to keep him happy & make sure my DD gets a sweet life.

Do you think that is perhaps why your libido is so low? Because you have had "duty sex" once to often?

It isn't about giving in, you need to be loved, adored, satisfied etc. I think you need to explore what YOU want from sex & stop giving in because you feel you should!

But surely thats the differnce Nooka, you ENJOY pleasing your other half, LM obviously doesn't!

thing is though, I still enjoyed "duty s*" but dx didnt believe me when I said this. It was the old "youre only doing it to please me, you never really want it" theme.
but in fact, you dont have to be gagging for it to enjoy it.

whoa! Some posts here are a bit strong! I went to bed last night (and no, there was no sex - dh stayed up late, presumably expecting a refusal from me so prefering not to come to bed until I was asleep) so I missed these latr posts.

To all of you who think my dh and I are have multi problems and are heading for divorce: No you are completely wrong. I do loe my dh and he does love me, but we are not finding life easy at the moment.

To Soapbox who said there is more wrong with our relationship than sex, no, you are wrong too, thankfully! Apart from my phobia - often mentioned here on Mumsnet - and money worries, we are happy together. I often read posts here, open mouthed at how unhappy some people are with their choice of partners. I do sometimes wish my dh was less typically male in some respects, but I would never be happy with a man who was into the softer things in life. Isn't that what many people find attractive in the opposite sex, their sheer differences?

But sex is a big problem for us. I just don't have a huge libido. I could happily live the rst of my life without sex - well, nearly. As long as I had physical closeness and love, the actual sex bit is neither here nor there to me. I actually prefer pleasing myself than I do being pleased by dh.

Why don't I have a huge libido? I reckon it is a combination of never being highly sexed, and sheer exhaustion. I have 4 children and it is pretty much on the go all the time for dh and myself. Of course, dh being a normal man, he still finds the energy to want sex, but me, being me, doesn't. That is what we need to solve, I think.

I know you all think dh is pretty immature to be grumpy and horrible to the children because he isn't getting any, and I do too. But I do also feel a bit responsible for and guilty about his behaviour, because I suspect I could raically alter it if I just changed my own behaviour. Is that so wrong? That is really what I can't decide about.

But pleae, hold back from being too rude about my dh, because he is my chosen partner in life. We have been together 15 years now and I fully intend being with him for the rest of our lives.

Message withdrawn

Lonleymum, you can see your GP about female sexual disfunction (ie dead libido). There is lots that can be done to boost your sex drive and get things back on track.

Sorry fo typos. I think most of my post is intelligible, but the word in the second to last paragrph should read "radically".

Pardon Cod? Why can't I ask for advice and also ask people to respect my feelings? Is that too much to ask?

I wouldn't be here writing all this personal stuff if I could go to the doctors and discuss it.

I would much prefer people to silently parp themselves out of my threads than post something delibeately offensive and not to the point.

Thank you.

And please don't mistake this thread from a poster that most of you know is a genuine Mner for the other threads about bedroom activities that are presumably written by teenagers or dirty old men.

Was only trying to help. I'll fuck off then shall i.

Just read this thread.

I don't think lack of sex is any excuse at all to treat your children badly (but then neither do you, as you say)

I think it's easy to avoid sex for so long that it becomes hard to imagine doing it again, and that is a shame for both partners

I think 3 weeks is not a very long time to go without sex

I think you should talk to your dh first and find out whether that is really the cause of his grumpiness. If it is, try and find a compromise because sex is important to maintain a relationship. But do it for the sake of your marriage , not just to stop him smacking the children and make the distinction clear!

I was talking to Cod, NDP, but do as you please. Just don't try your hand at sex counselling if that is the length of your patience.

Message withdrawn

I wasn't aware that I was 'trying my hand at sex counselling', I was merely trying to point out that you will be taken seriously if you see a healthcare professional about it. They won't fob you off as used to be the case.

Christ

Sobernoel, thanks for that. Yes, I know it is the cause of his grumpiness because we do talk about things all the time and I know the lack of sex (as he sees it) is frustrating for him.

So I will just do it to please him and to keep that aspect of the marriage healthy.

The smacking issue is obviously clouding this discussion. Wish I hadn't mentioned it.

When the dds were small and I was at home with them all day I was never interested in sex at the end of the day. Whenever my dh made any move towards me I would run a mile and sometimes would even fabricate a row just so I could stomp off to the spare bed.

We didn't really discuss this seriously while it was going on (and it didn't affect his behaviour towards the dds or me at the time - but he later said he was pissed off with me) But once the dds were bigger and going to nursery and I felt I had some of my life back, we gradually started to fancy each other again.

We made an effort to talk to each other in the evenings - over some wine usually! - and we are now back to normal. He joked about me being more benign and wifely just after a good old seeing to and that's when I realised he had resented me before HTH (TMI)

I am aware of the sex counselling there is out there. My mother was a pyscho sexual counsellor for many years. I just would not find it possible to discuss my sex life face to face with someone, however sympathetic they might be. This is a pity, I realise, but it is not as if I don't have sex, or that I don't enjoy it when I do, I just don't want it as much as dh does. I don't think I am alone in saying that.
I was hoping that a bit of anonymous discussion here on Mumsnet might give me some support or encouragement or belief in the way forward.

Part of the problem could be that your partner is being abusive towards your children. IMO shouting and smacking unnecessairly is abuse.

That fact that he is not getting sex should have nothing to do with how he is treating his children. What he is doing is wrong.

You may very well love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him but why should your children have to put up with someone hitting them because he is a bit sexually frustrated?

You are not responsible for his actions. He is an adult. He may not like looking after (I assume they are) his children but when you are unwell he should do as any other adult would out of love and respect for their partner and family.

Perhaps you do need help for your lack of interest but I have to say I certainly would want to go near a man who treated my child like this, especially if I was feeling unwell.

I think you need to talk with your husband about his attitude towards the children as they are going to be around for a long long time.

I hope your headache has gone now anyway.

Is doing it just to please him likely to end up with you resenting him for it? Because if so, then it's not going to keep that part of your marriage healthy - your feelings matter just as much as his, you know. You could end up trading his being grumpy for you being miserable.

Thans Sobernoel, yes that does help. I often thik our trouble is componded by the fact that we have 4 children and I have been the stressed mother at home with small children now for nearly 10 years. There is light at the end of the tunnel with regard to that (ds3 now goes to playgroup a couple of times a week) and life is becoming less stressful in that respect. I think that is what has made me aware that our sex life now needs a bit of polishing up, IYSWIM: because other aspects of our lives are improving, so that should too.