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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 19:56

Dear oh dear.

WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 19:57

No, the weight of responsibility for making sure he treats the kids properly lies squarely with him. If he's not the parent he should be then it's his fault, not yours.

paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 20:00

Hear, hear WWB.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:01

So you don't think we have a duty to care for our spouses and try to make them happy if it is within our powers to do so?

OP posts:
gomez · 04/12/2005 20:03

In the name of the wee man it is 2005 not 1805.

Really, really didn't think that any grown woman spoke about giving anyone, let alone her hesband 'it'. Particularly if he has been an ar*e all weekend. Why would you have sex if you didn't want too?

WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 20:04

Of course we do, but if we have any kind of self-respect we owe it to ourselves not to let ourselves be blackmailed into giving sex as payment for good behaviour.

NutcrackingXmas · 04/12/2005 20:05

Think we are living with the same man LM, and i'm certainly not giving him any just so he'll be nice.

gomez · 04/12/2005 20:07

I don't think I have a 'duty' to care for anyone except my children.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:07

Sigh! Wish it were 1805! Like would have been simpler then!

Ask in 2005 if you should have sex with your dh to lighten his mood and you are considered a empty headed bimbo...

But I know my dh doesn't get it as often as he would like and deserves....it is down to me a bit surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:07

Sigh! Wish it were 1805! Life would have been simpler then!

Ask in 2005 if you should have sex with your dh to lighten his mood and you are considered a empty headed bimbo...

But I know my dh doesn't get it as often as he would like and deserves....it is down to me a bit surely?

OP posts:
HarkTheHeraldAIMSMUMsings · 04/12/2005 20:08

But he has been horrible all weekend, shouting at and smacking the kids all because he is frustrated over his lack of sex!!

He needs to get a grip!!

What about his duties??

Download him a film from the internet and leave him to it!! Perhaps he'll be in a better mood in the morning!!

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 04/12/2005 20:09

I'm with Gomez. And in this case am very glad that I'm not married to the father of my children.

paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 20:10

And is it within his power to make you happy by helping out with the kids, cooking for you when you have a headache and not screaming at the kids, eh??????

WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 20:10

I don't think anyone's called you an empty-headed bimbo ...

Turn the question round though, LM - does a man have the right to force you into sex you don't want?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:11

Ah but I got married in church and distinctly remember promising before a lot of people that I would love and cherish him till death us do part...

I do ponder this from time to time as I have the world's weakest libido.

OP posts:
WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 20:11

You said love and cherish ... not screw the arse off.

paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 20:13

Lonely, I'm beginning to think you are winding us up here.

You go ahead and have sex with him if think it is your duty. Personally, I'm very glad that I'm married to my DH and not someone who throws a tantrum and stamps his little foot every time he feels like he's not getting if often enough.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:13

No WWB I have never been forced into sex I didn't want. But that is half the trouble really! I never want it! (well, scarcely ever) have to sometimes force myself into sex that I don't want and I wondered if today was one of those days.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:14

Winding you up? I can assure you I am not! I wouldnd't choose my sex life as the subject with which to wind you up if i didn't feel I needed some advice.

OP posts:
WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 20:16

If you think that your libido is really causing problems between you, would you feel able to ask your GP for help?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:18

No!

I feel a bit embarrassed that I started this now. I thought a few more women might understand where I was coming from. I thought there were more out threre like me, who sometimes (and I only say SOMETIMES) performed sex as a duty to keep things sweet between themselves and their dh.

OP posts:
Nightynight · 04/12/2005 20:18

lonelymum - personally Id have a shag if that would improve the atmosphere in the house. But who am I to say anything about this - Im divorced!

Wigwam - that is loving and cherishing isnt it? youre being too logical!

WigWamBahhumbug · 04/12/2005 20:20

I don't think that loving and cherishing is the same as sex, nightynight. It might all be tied up with the same thing, but love and sex are different. I don't have to have sex just because I love dh - affection and cherishing come in many other forms.

paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 20:21

Lonely, I think most of us have, at one time or another, not been in the mood but gone ahead anyway beacuse they've been really keen! It has also worked the other way in our house, IYKWIM.

BUT - there is a huge difference here. You (and the kids) have been on the receiving end of some utterly appalling behaviour this weekend by the sound of it. Now, whether he is getting 'it' often enough or not is immaterial. The fact is he has acted like an overgrown child, and should be apologising to you, and trying to make it up to you.

AwayInAMunker · 04/12/2005 20:25

I think that you should ask him whether behaving like he has with the children ought to be a turn on for you.

Then tell him if he starts being a bit of a friendlier person to live with, you might be a bit friendlier to him iyswim

But no, I don't think you should have sex with your husband to make them be nice to your children. You say he doesn't like doing things with the children - they're part of your lives and he needs to get that, surely?!

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