Tonight's knotty question is...

[ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas]

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

I'm a great believer in,"sex to placate".
DH and I have a fairly health sex life but on occasions I don't really feel like it,I give him a BJ instead. It really does make a much happier DH, after all they are really very simple beings, a BJ and a bacon sarny in the morning and he's as happy as larry, he goes off to work with a spring in his step.

It'llbe..., so you stood in church and agreed to love and cherish - didn't he agree to do the same? When he is being churlish and grumpy about looking after his own children - do any of you feel loved & cherished? He is responsible for the way he behaves - not you.
Of course, as partners, you would hope to support each other and show love for each other in a whole host of different ways of which sex is just one way.
Sounds to me like you need to have a night out together and a chat.

I've got the bloody opposite problem LM! But I've kind of slowed down to his pace after the whole giving birth palava. As a couple you're always readjusting I'd have thought though. you should tell him not to worry so much..never say never!

Just returned to this thread, which is a busy one! Wanted to say that I was speaking from personal experiences that I thought might be quite similar to LoneyMum's, and also in reaction to some of the "how dare he expect sex" type comments. I thought that I had a low libido, and I did/do have the "madonna and whore" (as sophable put it) issues, so I would dispute that they are nonsense. I wondered if LM might have similar issues with avoiding sex, and whether if she found ways to enjoy it more if she would actually find her libido improved. That has been my experience, but it took a long time, time when I really wish I had talked to dh about it, rather than rejecting him at the least suggestion of intimacy (just in case, because I hate saying no). It really damaged our relationship, and I regret it. Of course it made dh unhappy, and when you are unhappy you may be grumpy. It's not just about sex though is it, I didn't want dh to touch me at all really - preferred my own comfort zone. We did work through it, but other things conspired against us (I do believe these were related to the lack of intimacy on all levels between us). So I would say, do talk about it, do think of ways that you can relax (can you get any time off from the kids every now and then for example? I always found day time sex less stressful than at night - less expected/demanded somehow) and in time you may find that it comes back. Could you try one of the slightly longer term contraceptives whilst you wait to feel OK about dh's vasectomy (I know that stopping worrying about pregnancy helped me)? The other thing is that in general as women get older their sex drives increase, whilst (again in general) men's decrease, so you may find you equalise at some point. Good luck! Oh, and make sure that your dh knows you find him desirable, even if you aren't in the mood - my dh got very low about himself during the very little sex period of our life.

Fantastc post nooka! Very eloquent!
I agree entirely about showing your man that he is desirable,fanciable,attractive and loved.My DH regular feels that I find him unattractive, which stems back to a period of 10 years that I knew him before we got together, when I treated him as a friend with a bit of flirtation when I was intoxicated.When I first knew him he was about 4 stone heavier and he had a really low opinion of himself-this has stuck, even though he now has an Adonis of a body IMO-there is really no fat on him, just pure muscle.This is because he does a very hard,manual job which keeps him really fit.
He still finds it hard to believe I fancy him and my lack of libido which started just after we got married 5 years ago had done nothing to improve his self esteem.
Last Friday, he told me he was feeling particularly unloved so I resorted to buying him a red rose, a big red star helium balloon and a soppy card telling him all the reasons I loved him.He was over the moon!

When we first got it on, our first year and a half together was outrageous fun, full of rampant sex in all sorts of great places-I loved it.
Then, my step father died and I think my thyroid packed up too-after a period of depression on top of that, my libido was shot to pieces.Add two boisterous boys,2 years of breast feeding and it only comes out if I'm very drunk!
I'm ashamed to admit this and it really saddens me.

L/M you have 4 kids so it then becomes even harder to "make you time"-and then,if you do manage to orchestrate it, you are under immense pressure to "make the most of it", have fun, probably have sex and sometimes it just doesn't happen like that.
All I can advise is be honest with him and make him feel loved in as many other ways as you can.

Well dh got his end away last night and it paid dividends! He got up to ds3 twice in the night with no more than a slight groan the first time!

I feel I must be very cynical now. Dh and I don't really do the lovey dovey hearts and flowers stuff anymore so if my dh had said what your dh said Dropinthe, I would have probably told him to stop being stupid. I certainly wouldn't have gone out and bought him anything.

I often say to dh that I feel that my life stopped when ds1 was born and so many things we did or said or felt or enjoyed before ds1 have just disappeared. That is not to suggest that I resent the presence of my children, just that their arrival changed everything.

Did any of you go off your dh when you had your babies? I know I did. I used to spend ages staring at my babies' perfect smooth, soft faces and then I would look at dh and be shocked at how rough and hard he looked in comparison. I felt he could care for himself but these babies were totally reliant on me.

That feeling has faded now of course, but I think I still have an obstacle to overcome before I can feel about dh the way I felt about him before we became parents.

Does anyone relate to that?

I do. I was so wrapped up in the physical business of my babies - breastfeeding, cuddling, kissing and stroking as well as all the lifting and carrying that the last thing I wanted was for another living thing to try and have a go at me once the dds were in bed!

My dh was nice about it and never complained but as I said, I could tell from his reaction once he 'got me back' that he had been upset by it. Clearly I was far too scary and unstable for him to raise it with me at the time...

Don't think we are at it like rabbits now, but I definitely feel that my sexuality is returning. We even snog in the kitchen in broad daylight sometimes. I do sometimes have to stop thinking about the laundry and just let myself relax - after all I would rather be kissing my husband than washing his socks, honest.

Meant to add, well done btw. Do you feel better as well?

Ah, sobernoel, that's the corker isn't it: "just let myself relax". so hard to do when there is so much to be done! I wasn't in love with my babies in quite that way, in fact I found them a little suffocating (I love them much more easily now they are less dependent) but I found that I really resented what I saw as dh's "demands". Felt I'd already given enough of my body, and that I wanted some space for just being me. I had my two very close together, as I got pregnant with dh the month after I stopped breastfeeding ds, so there wasn't really a break in between - I felt like a breeding machine in some ways, I think for a good two and a half years. The trouble was that as my dh and I became less intimate (and less happy) together, we both focused on the children, and got (and gave) our cuddles and love there. Now that was good for our relationship with the kids, but meant that we didn't address how unhappy we were (especially dh) until it was very difficult to fix.

So nooka, are you together or not now? Sorry, your posts don't quite explain.

We are currently seperated (for the last 2 months). I hope temporarily, but as he is currently saying he wants to emigrate I'm not so sure!