Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

OP posts:
Kathlean · 05/12/2005 11:29

oops that should have been wouldn't want to go near - sorry

lazyanna · 05/12/2005 11:31

if three weeks is a long time,I am in BIG trouble...

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 11:32

No, I don't think so necessarily WWB. I often feel quite pleased with myself when I have managed to please dh despite perhaps not realy wanting to in the first place. Maybe it is partly as someone said about finding you enjoy it even though you didn't think you would.

Anyway, the alternative would be to continue as we are and that can't be right. We both have an awareness that our marriage is under strain right now in this respect, and we both want to improve things.

OP posts:
feastofsteven · 05/12/2005 11:33

I imagine that whatever makes you feel relaxed will help. IIRC you are teetotal, so what else helps you feel relaxed? if you are a bit depressed that can affect your libido too.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 11:34

Lazyanna - it has been longer in the past! Not saying how long though!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 11:35

Not depressed really. Stressed, yes. Anxious, yes. Permanently tired, yes. Oh and teetotal, yes! What relaxes me? Hmmm, have to think about that.

OP posts:
sobernoel · 05/12/2005 11:36

I think you're half way there, then. If you look at improving your sex life as part of the whole move towards getting back to being yourself (or 'seeing the fog lift' as a friend of mine put it recently) then you won't be thinking of it as a duty.

(And you would definitely not be the only woman who has viewed it that way. I remember a tv programme recently about couples where one woman said she gave her husband blow jobs in direct relation to how much he spent on her or how much housework he did - she even said at one point 'I want a ladies rolex for christmas and I've worked that out as 4 and a half hours of sex this December.')

lazyanna · 05/12/2005 11:37

Hmm. Let me know when someone strts the "how long has it been" message - I hope there will be prizes, lol

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 11:38

Hmmmm! Do you think I should put that arangement to dh? Lol!

OP posts:
sobernoel · 05/12/2005 11:39

Yes, tell him you only want a box of After Eights though, so he doesn't get his 'hopes' up!

WigWamBahhumbug · 05/12/2005 11:46

If your dh wants to try and improve things then that's a good start too - but he has to realise that he has to play a part in it as well, it's not just you who has to do something about it.

For starters, you might find it easier to address the problem if he could agree to try not to be so grumpy when he hasn't had sex for a couple of weeks - it might take some of the pressure off you if you felt that it wasn't going to have that effect.

Would it help you to relax if dh were to give you a massage or something - relax you and get you in the mood before you start? Would he have the patience just to concentrate on making you feel good?

yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 11:50

I just ordered \link{http://www.needapresent.com/shop/get_ProductDetail.asp?sid=none&PID=1163&DID=11\this] for dh for Christmas. May add a bit of fun to your night play?

I do think you need to get him to understand that he needs to sort out why he's so short tempered.

yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 11:50

here

try again

moondog · 05/12/2005 11:54

How are you today lm?
Hope you have found these contributions useful.
You are intelligent enough to sort the wheat from the chaff.

I think as you say,you can see that things will be easier now your children are growing.
I ammazed that anyone with four kids is still breathing,let alone contemplating a sex life!!
20 mths at home with only two has reduced me to a shell of my former self!!

HappyDaddy · 05/12/2005 11:57

Personally I'd tell him to stop being such a selfish pr**k. He can grow up, too.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 12:32

My dh would indeed be able to concentrate on doing something that would make me feel good WWB. Contrary to the impression painted of him here, he is capable of giving much (especially if he thought it would lead to sex!) but I am the problem there. I can't stand massages! Or at least, can't stand the idea of them, although I do recall back in the mists of time, dh giving me one or two very pleasant massages that definitely led on to other things! I do feel as this thread progresses that it is me who has the problem not dh. Eg dh would love that game Ulysees, but I have my doubts!

Thanks for asking after me Moondog. i began today on Mumsnet enraged and upset, but a jolly good swear at the computer screen and some well chosen words shouted to no-one in particular sorted that out! I don't know why the problems surrounding sex can't be discussed a little more usefully when childcare problems can, but I suppose that says something about our pysche.

It still genuinely astonishes me that other people don't see their partners moods as at least partially their responsibility. I can't work out if I am hopelessly old fashioned because I do, or something else is wrong with society because others don't.

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 12:35

Go on you'll love it honest

Just try a blindfold and some food, feather etc... or use a scarf. Have lights off or candlelight. Pretend you're acting if you want to begin with then once you get confident it'll be a breeze.

WigWamBahhumbug · 05/12/2005 12:38

I see my dh's moods as my concern, but not my responsibility - it would be a convenient cop-out for some people if they didn't have to take responsibility for their own moods. I couldn't have sex once for nearly two years, and although I felt bad for dh that I couldn't when he would have liked to, I still can't see how it would have justified dh being badly behaved. He's an adult, and adults are meant to be able to control their moods better than this.

Maybe your lack of libido is your problem, but his reaction to it is his, and both of you have to work on it, not just you.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 12:38

I would want to know more of what I was getting into first. Give me an example of what it says to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 12:39

fiar point WWB, my concern, not my responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 12:39

UgH! FAIR

OP posts:
WigWamBahhumbug · 05/12/2005 12:43

But you can be concerned about something without the onus being on you to put it right. You are not responsible for the way your dh choses to manifest his frustration.

Just a random thought, and I don't mean to imply anything nasty by it, but is there any chance that his grumpiness is in any way deliberate - that he's using this to guilt-trip you into sex?

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2005 12:50

Don't think so. I mean, it isn't a very clever way of going about it because when he is grumpy, it often makes me cross with him too. I keep telling him that if he is nice and smiley and we do things together as a happy family, I will be more inclined to have sex so I think he knows that the opposite would have the opposite effect.

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 05/12/2005 13:20

What percentage of the time is he grumpy when at home? Could he have mild depression or is it linked with no sex?

If you're not sure what to do with the blindfold etc.. just lock the kids out best you can, put some music on loud enough to drown out noise, put the blindfold on and play passive. That's what I do when I'm feeling a bit tired. Then just let him play

HappyDaddy · 05/12/2005 13:22

He's being an idiot and it's your fault? It's also upto you to make him feel better. How many children do you have?
Blokes really p* me off sometimes.