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Original poster

Tonight's knotty question is...

186 replies

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 19:07

Dh is being a miserable so and so today. He had the children yesterday (took them to his work's Christmas party for the employee's children) and then unexpectedly found himself having them mostly today, including - shock! horror! - having to cook the lunch, because I have a bad headache today. He does not normally like to have too much to do with the children I am sorry to have to say, but today he is grumpier than ever (shouting at them and smacking them unnecessarily) and I know why.....

he hasn't been getting "it" lately.

So the question is, should I just let him have "it" tonight, despite my headache, so he will get off the kids' backs? Is this fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:27

Spose so paolosgirl. I wouldn't say his behaviour has been appalling this weekend. I got to the cinema yesterday and have done no cooking since Friday night, and been involved with the children in only a limited capacity today - that is all pretty good in my book! My dh is not one to do housework or cooking normally (we have a traditional relationship in that way - my choice before the feminists jump on the bandwagon!) and although he helps with childcare, two full-on days is more than he usually does. Unfortunately the irritable temper is pretty normal though. He would like his weekends to be spent in front of the TV with a beer in his hand if the truth be told.

So OK he is not modern man, but is he really unlike all other men out there?

OP posts:
Nightynight · 04/12/2005 20:29

wigwam, no - but Id have sex as part of loving and cherishing him! Or I would if we were still married anyway

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:30

TBH the children wear us both out. If i said to dh I wanted him to be a friendlier person to live with (a thing I do say often actually) he would rightly point out how much he has done for me this weekend.

What he doesn't get is that although he has done lots this weekend, he hasn't done it with a cheerful face. He doesn't get that bit.

Grumpy old man? Yes.

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 04/12/2005 20:31

I have to go now - good luck!

Nightynight · 04/12/2005 20:33

Lonelymum, I am also traditional in this sort of thing, but I wouldnt put up with weekends in front of the telly with a beer. If he's keen on traditional relationships, he can spend his weekends putting up shelves, fixing everything that's gone wrong during the week, and washing the car
(sorry if Ive slandered your dh - he probably does anyway!)

AwayInAMunker · 04/12/2005 20:35

LM, what would concern me is that he'd say he's done things "for you" this weekend - now, if he's painted your toenails, blow-dried your hair and given you a neck massage, I'd agree he's done things "for you". If he's cooked and looked after the children, he's done things for the family. Not you.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:43

No, no, don't get the wrong idea, the weekend spent in front of the TV with a beer is his dream way to spend his time, not what he actually does, although I have to sacrifice hours to the Grand Prix and international rugby. Yawn!

I don't know how I ended up in this situation because if you knew me you would know I am extrememly head strong and take cr*p from no-one, but I have to say I am married to a man who does nothing towards the housework or cooking, and rather grudgingly does extra towards the children, so when he takes those tasks away from me, it does feel like he is doing something for me.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 04/12/2005 20:47

LonelyMum - so, how long has he gone without "getting it"?

Flum · 04/12/2005 20:48

ermmm, he is your husband, yes I think you should let him 'have it' unless it absolutely turns your stomach to do so. By jove you might even not hate it.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:50

I usually only feel I want it for a few days every month - around ovulation time. So i suppose it is about three weeks since we last did it.

OP posts:
Nightynight · 04/12/2005 20:52

no wonder hes a bit miffed then

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:53

Exactly! I didn't want to spell it out but I have now.

OP posts:
emkana · 04/12/2005 20:55

Well it's been nearly three months for dh and me (because I've been feeling awful with pregnancy), but I still expect dh to be cheerful with me and the children.

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 04/12/2005 20:57

Ach, it's not that long a wait.

Flum · 04/12/2005 20:57

Trouble is if you never, or hardly ever feel like it then he is never gonna get it is he. I know all the modern women say that is fine and he should just lump it but in my opinion if you did that it would just be a matter of time before you were in the lawyers officers.

I really do think you should force yourself every now and then. Use it or lose it and all that.

I often don't feel like it but then quite like it. But I have only been married for a nanosecond so can't really talk.

emkana · 04/12/2005 20:58

I agree, mi. I think three weeks is nothing really.
(But what does that say about my marriage? )

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 20:58

I suspect I agree with you Flum, although it is hard to put it into words without sounding repressed.

OP posts:
emkana · 04/12/2005 20:59

Ah but flum how often is "every now and then"? once a week? once a month?

Flum · 04/12/2005 21:00

Jeezuz if a hubby has not had any sex for 3 months and he is still so cheerful and doesn't care. I would guess that in actual fact he probably has had a little bit of sex somewhere in actual fact. This is real life not Cosmo isn't it.

Flum · 04/12/2005 21:05

I don't think I'm repressed just a studier of human nature.

I usually find a friendly offer of a bit of oral can get a bloke out of the worst mood. Why knock what works eh.

I reckon once a week is reasonable if you don't really feel like it. Close your eyes and think of England. We all have to do stuff we don't like to keep the cogs of life going. People treat sex as such a differnt part of life. For exapmple I hate cleaning the loo, but people don't say to me, well if you don't like doing it love, then just you don't do it, and everyone else can just lump it.

But as we all know everyone is different whats normal for one couple is extreme for another.

I also think if you go to bed at different times it makes it tricky. I often go to bed much earlier than dp and so am in snoozeland when he gets up to bed feeling randy.

Original poster
ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 04/12/2005 21:12

Well, the one thing I would not tolerate would be being woken up by dh coming to bed later than me and wanting some. Fortunately, we tend to go to bed at the same time so that situation never arises. I can't understand that scenario when one partner wakes the other up for sex. Anyone would get short shrift if they tried that with me!

OP posts:
littledonkeyrach · 04/12/2005 21:12

They say the more you do it, the more you want it.

Maybe see it like that!!

littledonkeyrach · 04/12/2005 21:13

Good grrief, DH wouldn't dare wake me up for it!!

sallyhollyberry · 04/12/2005 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gomez · 04/12/2005 21:16

I have just asked DH about this thread and he has commented that he would be horrified if he thought I was having sex and didn't really want to. Regardless of the length of time since the last occasion (and 3 weeks ain't that long in this household we have a feast and famine routine. And whilst we are one the subject, Flum that doesn't mean my DH is playing away from home... nor those of my many friends who have sex less frequently than weekly.) He added that he thought it would be demeaning to both of us.