After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

YES! I am here first....!!

[sits down on comfy sofa, fills up fridge with white wine, unwraps knitting (oops) and picks up coffee]

Me too! Have a naice cup of tea and me knitting (lacey shawl in pink mohair...no less!...although I DO find it hard to knit AND MN but pfftt! I am sure I can find a way round...I could use my nose to nudge the mouse?)

And WUW..imagine this...my work and ABCKF's is in a similar area. I am so not looking forward to "how is ABCKF?" queries which will come. So not only via beloved DC BUT also work.

sobbing into lacey shawl in pink mohair - stops as mohair and tears are NOT friends.

Thank YOU for your wonderful support and advice too.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain, and that is exactly what you have done and are doing Wisey. I'm not sure you realise what an amazingly strong woman you are, I have much admiration for you

Found ya!

I love *TimeForMe's" quote: ... it's about learning to dance in the rain

So chin up, tits out and one, two, cha, cha, cha

I'm another who does a lot of lurking and sometimes a little input. I would like to tell all you ladies that I am awe of you. I went through the same 20+ years ago and feel anything I know is a bit dated but it doesnt stop me remembering the pain of it.

Here's wishing you all the best and hope you all learn that even taking baby steps is still moving forward.

You may even have pushed me into thinking about taking up knitting again. I've still got a huge box of wool and patterns. I just couldnt get rid of it even when I moved twice. Perhaps there was a reason then that I just didnt know about. Think it is now the time for the box to get re opened. To pass my time many years ago I used to knit the big clowns and similar for charity do's as by that time my family were all adult and I like to remember that I am one of the lucky ones to have four healthy children and not everyone can say that.

Keep moving forward ladies. I'm not always about but if i am I hope I can help.

TC and have a lovely Sunday. xx

Glad to have found your new thread! I am mostly a lurker as I can't give any useful advice - all my experiences of similar are from 25 years ago. But, I find all of you on the previous threads so inspiring that I wish you could be my friends in real life.

And I think I'm going to take up knitting again - haven't done any for years and I was a demon knitter when our DSs were small :)

Haha KNITTING rules!

I tell you knitting one's rage is good therapy. I am thinking of knitting squares of anger, rage, despair and pain. Then surround them with borders of love, hope, courage, humour and well love again.Join them up into a blanket of survival! Heyyyy, that doesn't sound half bad.

Sorry WUW, your dancin' has turned into knittin'...to 'ahem' knit into your title's square dancing theme...

Bad jokes, even worse puns (that is tautologous though..) is how I get through my pain. I just feel really sorry for those who have to hear them! .

Love your sense of humour drfayray :o

Gosh, hello!

Lovely to see you all. I've spent the morning making a Delia summer roasted vegetable lasagne for two friends who're coming for dinner this evening and knitting has had to take back seat.

So where I'm at today. Well, mindful as I am that mediation is looming in the next 3 weeks, I'm already preparing my thoughts and rehearsing my stance. Not worried, preparing, so that's a difference.

The way I see it, and this weekend has been bumpy but I've definitely moved, is that it doesn't matter how many times PTM tells himself or anyone else that he's still a part of this family, it doesn't make it so and he can manipulate till he's in knots but it still won't change anything. I am the head of this family now, and I choose who to include in it. Being DD's father doesn't bestow any rights on him to behave as though he still has influence because he doesn't actually.

Plus, I think I've got myself a date!

You are head of the family! Yeesss you are...like that one in Sopranos, he didn't take any crap either.

Your veggie lasagne sounds nice. One of my DDs is a veggie and I make her a nice lasagne.

PTM is DDs dad, nothing will change that, but he doesn't control anybody, too right.

I've finished the hippy-dippy poncho, done another scarf, and am about to start on a Cashmere pashima (for my friend's mum for Xmas). I have orders coming out of my ears. If I wanted to, I could have a nice little cottage industry going here! I spent this morning cutting down a load of overgrown greenery at the side of the conservatory - which twunt was supposed to do ages ago, but "never had the time" - of course not, all that preening and pampering and working out and looking at inappropriate images of girls around his daughters' age. It's raining now, so good excuse to come indoors and catch up on here, then I'm making a huge chilli for dinner because daughters have boyfriends round, ES has girlfriend round and YS will probably roll up starving with half a dozen mates later!

And I forgot the most important thing!

YOU HAVE A DATE??

SPILL - NOW. DETAILS, WE WANT DETAILS.....

Aww, you guys!

Well there are two or three actually. Not that i'm greedy or anything but I want to keep my options open, it would appear that's the way to do it (bit rusty after all this time, and obviously my standards of 'acceptable' are far higher).

So. One is in London, my age, an ex musician, consultant in the building industry and about to do an degree in scultpure (B&A don't stop with the Liam though) so we could have ourselves a Ghost moment! Lives on a longboat.

The other is a consultant (of what I don't know yet, we are exchanging emails hopefully) 3 years older than me, v good looking, not at all like PTM. Seems to like the same things in life, lives a bit further away, suits me, don't want to live on top of anyone.

Another lives too far away for a date, but we're doing some flirting and he's gorgeous, looks like a young uncreased Gordon Ramsay but better.

Another is a singer and guitarist, who sent me some virtual flowers. My age, chilled out and seems sorted (but you never can tell until you meet).

The last is someone who lives not far away and works in my town. Older than me, fit fit fit, and whom I asked out for coffee one day this week. If he's serious about meeting up, I guess he could be the first, but I've got an open mind about that.

So there we are. The one cranky one who messaged me for extramarital sex because he's trapped in a loveless marriage (yes, exactly those words) I told to fuck off.

Wisey is up for an adventure, is pretty ambivalent, but wtf, I deserve a bit of excitement!!!!!!

Wisey - you're so definitely in that space...and I think it will do you a world of good. From what I'm gathering from the book Shakti recommended, the sooner you really start your new life, the easier it is to let go of your old one. You've got a new job, you've had your independent road trip...it's good.

What we really need from some MNer are something like top 10 bits of advice on internet dating....I had a dabble, but retreated big time and decided I was not ready. So if you're having fun with it, that's a really good sign.

Keep separating from PTM in every way you can, including helping Dc's to understand that you don't need or want to hear a report - they can tell one another....! Maybe a good thing to think about in guiding your next mediation agenda. WHAT would make a big difference to your life - top 5 things - and stretch mediation to help you reach them...I think you might be in a power situation here....think about it. I can't see that he's very savvy or good negotiator...so take advantage of that to try to set your own rules within the context of the mediation agenda....Pick my brain if you want me to be more specific.

So good to find you on another thread!

Shit, just had an awful therapy session. I'm steaming angry.

I'm angry that PTM still has some influence with the DC's particularly eldest DS who has a heart of gold, has never been able to draw the line with people. PTM knows this, exploits it for his own needs and knows exactly how it places me.

So he must be steaming angry with me too. But all I did was put my boundaries in place - that's all, nothing else. Nothing.
Fuck.

OP, you sound very strong and determined, so keep that up.

If there were some awful feelings lurking under the surface that got explored, it was a good therapy session, even if it made you feel bad at the time - if that makes sense. The old "lancing a boil" scenario innit. Ouch, eww, but until it's out it won't heal.

Are you saying that eldest DS must be angry with you, or PTM? Because if it's the latter, who cares???

If you're talking about DS...PLEASE give yourself credit for being a terrific mom, and if you're son is as wonderful as you say he is....don't you think he will see through what PTM is doing? I did, and I was no where near as old as yours are. They will put a stop to it in their own time.

Poor you. Stay with it, and call yourself a duck....you Quack in your head, makes you smile...."water off a duck's back". It's what I tell my DD's when girls say bitchy things....You can't help but smile.

Hye,

K what is the book Shakti recommended? I mean PTM is angry.
I've calmed down a bit now. Still fecking angry but not painfully so.

I have a date on Friday! With Longboat Man. He's coming down from London.

Also, am talking to Consultant Man tonight on the phone.

Gotta start somewhere. Don't know how ready I am but waiting around for something to happen and I'm never going to be ready am I?

DD's none to happy that I'm moving on in this way, I suppose it destroys a bit more of the hope that me and PTM could get back together. But I've explained that I need and deserve a private life and i'm not going to push anyone on her, it's about me doing what I want to but not imposing anything on her. Gawd, I only just got rid of one heavy weight and I don't want another one!

Hey! I'm back and I found it!!!

I caught up on the old thread and here is a belated

However, sounds like you have sorted that and I am lovin' the dates!! Have fun babes, you have earned it.

I think the most realistic ideal for DD now is for PTM to get his own place nearish by with a room for her so that she has a life with both of you. Of course, that is not something you can 'fix', that's up to him to sort, if he really wants to. In the end, you can't fix what other people have broken and DD's pain comes from him and his failings.

Glad it's PTM and not DS...Have you quacked yet?

Book is Paul McKenna's How to mend a broken heart. It includes lots of hypnosis and visualisations and deals with a broken heart with similar techniques as bereavement. Not going to comment on it yet - reserving judgment. P McK is very populist and has some good stuff, but sometimes just seems so commercial. So will let you know if it's worth buying.

Hiya everyone!

The most important Q is, Wisey, how's the autumn / dating wardrobe?