After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

OK were you following me around Zara this afternoon? And did you see me buy a lovely blue tunic top to wear with my skinny jeans and fuck you shoes?

Have just had phone conversation with Consultant Man. Hmmmmmm.

Not sure. he talked an awful lot about himself.

DD has the major hump. What can I do? I'll try and reassure her I'm not about to enter a sordid world of swinging, i'm just exploring the possibilities. But I understand her upset. She wants me to herself and I'll keep on reassuring her she still comes first with me.

Well that went well (not).

Ok this is what happened. I'd said to DD that I was going upstairs to make a private phone call and I wanted the space to do that. She is always moaning that she can hear me talking because the sound travels in the house. So that's why I said I was going into the study, and that I wanted her to respect that it was a private call.

Cue lots of coming up and down the stairs, walking into the study, going into her bedroom, calling up the stairs that she could hear me etc etc.

Now she's in the summer house and I'm supposed to "get lost".

Have tried to explain that it was only a conversation, I've done nothing wrong or untoward, I am an adult, I understand what she is feeling but that she is my top priority and always will be.

Didn't cut any ice. So maybe I knock it on the head and forget it for now, if it's so upsetting. WWYD?

I'd tell her to get over herself tbh.

Oh dear dd

I would bin consultant man purely for labelling himself a consultant, and especially for not specifying of what! And also for jabbering about himself. Sounds like has big ego.

I may get flamed for saying this, and don't mean to be negative, but perhaps part of dd's problem is that by going internet dating you're actively seeking a new relationship, as opposed to, say, happening to meet someone new through a friend or something. She may feel like your romantic life alone is more important than her, 'cos you're being proactive with it. Also, PTM has hidden OW - and the dcs - from her, and she only has him in compartments and now maybe she worries that you too will be seeing people behind her back in some way or that she'll be excluded from your new life.

Or maybe I'm talking bollocks!

Well you're only talking bollocks if I was too thinking bollocks cos that's exactly what i had said to her that i'd understand if she was thinking that - but she doesn't need to feel insecure about anything.

I've said specifically I didn't want to sneak around or hide things but that niether was I going to detail my private life as it's just not appropriate.

Any way, she's back downstairs again , I've come up for a fag and to write here.

Part of me does want to tell her to get over herself to - She has after all said it will never be ok with her for me to start a new relatiosnhip. I know that's anger talking but a bit of me does feel I have overcompensated for PTM's actions and maybe I've started something which she doesn't feel she wants to lose. But I dont' actually believe I'm doing anything wrong and I dont' feel guilty at all - I do feel entitled to start a life as a free woman, albeit one who still has alot of responsibility!

Classic, so you're supposed to be celibate forever! Maybe suggest that you will if she will!

Btw am that you can carry off skinny jeans!

I think dozer isn't talking bollocks either.

There is clearly something final about you starting to date, like you have stopped being the wronged victim and that there really is no chance PTM will be able to come to his senses and come home....

She's still too young to have the emotional language to understand how contradictory emotions can be and what she is actually feeling, so it must be very confusing for her.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it though . Its just another demonstration of the damage ptm did....

Maybe suggest that you will if she will!

genius!

Yeah I like that too!

BTW Consultant Man is binned.

Longboat Man isn't.

Am knitting a lovely scarf in gorgeous Merino wool. Pale green/grey blue/cream wool which comes out fair isle stylie.

Might give it to PTM for Christmas, around his neck tightly

Sounds like DD is grieving your relationship with PTM at a different speed to you....Maybe just give her time to catch up?

Hi Wisey
I have lurked on your thread admiring from afar. My situation is different because I chose to leave my ExH to live on my own but I too have a disapproving DD18.
Nearly one year on she is furious her DF has a new GF and was enraged when I was skyping an internet friend one evening (discretely in my room). I think it is mainly expressing hurt that we are moving away from the loving nuclear family she is missing and still hopes can be rescued, even though she knows that is irrational.

Interestingly when the internet friend and I split up she was very kind and sympathetic, like she would be with her own mates.

I think it all takes time, and the DC need to get used to the idea of mum or dad with someone new very slowly. We have discussed her "allowing" her DF to have his new GF round to the house after the first year is up. He is being very careful not to flaunt his relationship which I am grateful for.

When she calms down I am sure you will find you can talk it through with her.

Thanks all.

Definitely am not going to flaunt my new life. But I've realised, and explained to DD how small my world had become in the last 4 years - that beyond PtM and our other married friends plus colleagues I don't have a wide and varied range of people in my life. That's really what I'm looking for, people from further afield than my very small town, from different backgrounds and so on.

I really don't want to spend the next x amount of years in 'mourning', watching the tele and vegetating. I've been a mum for 30 years, totally monogamous for 20, and if I don't grasp some new experiences now when it feels most difficult to do that, it'll never get easier. Really part of me wants to take the 'easy way out', not take risks and meet new people. But who am I trying to kid here, and who am I trying to please?

Thing is, although I still in a small way love PTM I don't want him to come back any more, I don't wish for my old life back - I wasn't happy, he clearly wasn't right for me and yet I didn't want to quit. So many years wasted have taught me it's the wrong thing to do to give up on myself and what I've got to offer not only my DC's but other people too. There's plenty enough of me to go around, but if I stifle my own needs to keep DD happy she won't learn a healthy way to be in her adult relationships - she'll learn how to control people.

So I'm meeting Longboat Man on Friday, he's coming here, we've planned to meet in a public place, have a drink at a pub on the beach, maybe go for some food if it's going well. He sounds nice, we did some instant messaging last night. He's worked in the music business (a shared interest), is a consultant to the building industry (nicely different to PTM and me) and is about to to a degree in sculpture (again, a career change mid-life, like me, but there'll be no 'therapy talk'). Neither of us are looking for love's young dream, both of us are unsure about what we want, and that suits me, if I make a new friend - fucking fantastic!

Longboat man sounds a bit of a dreamboat! Just take it slowly - I know you will.

Someone upthread hit the nail on the head I think, when they said that if you met somebody "accidentally" rather than looking for someone "deliberately" then your daughter would feel more comfortable. Because you're actively dipping your toe in the dating thing, she's seeing that there is no going back at all. And also, that you are not just a mum - her mum - but a woman with her own desires and needs. Like you say, there's enough of you to go around, so lots of reassurance for her should help.

As well as the dating, I would urge you to try and broaden your female friendships. I'm very lucky in that I have a wide variety of friends, some for years, some for months, one I've known for thirty years....some are single, some divorced, some happily married, and some unhappily married. They get me through so much. I read on another thread (possibly DrFay's) that she went on a social evening via 'net, where lots of people meet up for dinner. She clicked with a couple of nice women, and they are meeting up again. This I think would be great for you. Female friends are worth their weight in gold.

I have no intention of dating again. That may change further down the line, but right now the thought brings me out in hives. I've still got a lot of soul-searching and healing to do, and nurturing my kids and myself to do. I think it's great that you feel the need to do this. But you are still vulnerable so there's no rush.

Enjoy your date - it sounds a lovely idea.

Now, what are you going to wear? Do you want me to knit you something?

You're so grounded Saff.

Yes, I've got female friends around, all sorts like you. But i know what you mean. I don't want to rescue or be rescued from hurt (it still does hurt, not the pain of losing him but the pain of remembering all the lies and betrayal, the bad things he's done, that's what hurts), and if when it comes to it I'm dipping a toe in too soon I'll back off. And I'll be completely up front about that with Longboat Man.

I'd love a hippy dippy poncho please. My scarf is coming along nicely. Met a lovely woman in the big C&H fabrics yesterday who said if I get stuck I can take my knitting in to her and she'll show me what to do - see there are some beautiful souls out there aren't there?

And you're one of them Saff.

Aw thankyou. It's the kind things that people do that mean so much, isn't it? There are some lovely people out there (and on here!) and we have to remember this because it gets us through.

I'll put you on the list for a hippy dippy poncho - seriously, you're on the list. I'll pm you when it's done for your address! All you'll need is your joss sticks and wellies and you'll be the queen of Glasto next summer! Better make it waterproof though! Hey, by then, the way you're going, you might be on stage at Glasto!
X

OK, what I posted last night was worded rather bluntly (blame the cheap imitation of Baileys). Everyone else has put it much better now, including yourself Wisey!

I have this theory that children are programmed not to think of their parents as sexual beings, probably as a natural safeguard against incest. Certainly as a rule we have enough trouble thinking about our parents ever being "at it" with each other, eww! Let alone with other people. Even if it weren't for the betrayal aspect with her dad, DD would likely still have a problem with stepping back and seeing you objectively as a single woman rather than "just mum". She will get over it though, and may eventually, if reluctantly, acknowledge it is a Good Thing. I don't need to say "provided you are considerate of her feelings at all times" because you're not capable of being otherwise. We all sneered at PTM saying his children would be happy as long as he was happy, but that was crass given that he blew his family apart for his short-term gratification. You're not blowing anything apart, or lying or sneaking, or depriving either your children of attention or your life partner of affection. You're not in fact doing anything wrong at all. You're just, you know... ewww. Parents. Sex. Nooo!

Arf Annie

Got it in one. Sex? Me? DD's mummy? Aaarrrgghhh!

OMG! a drunk nun! whatever next?

Heyyyy Wisey wisey ! Good on ya! (as they say in Strine..).

I am excited for you.

No it wasn't me Saffysmum, I just went out to dinner with girlfriends. It was BeforeAndAfter and she had a great time!

I have been thinking about this too actually. DD said to me one of the perks of being separated (!) was that I could date again. Okayyy...

I am not sure though...at the moment I just want to focus on my career. This new job is full on BUT I need to travel to regional and remote Qld and my friends think I will meet some hunky rich miner (the project is funded by a mining company). I will be open to new friendships BUT really, I need to work at this job. I am aiming to be a Professor in 5 years. At the mo I am a Research Fellow. So it means full on! I need the financial security and the good super that the job will give me, hopefully.

I am very glad at how upbeat you sound. You be a fizzin' and a poppin' .

Please do not waste the scarf on the EX! Sounds too gorj for that!

drfay you are sounding so much more sorted (im sure you're sorted any way but you know what I mean).

I nearly emigrated to Aus about 30 years ago. Have family there who sponsored me. Pulled out not because I didn't want to go, I just didn't want to go with then DH.

Often think about going on a trip, I've got the offer of accommodation. Near Sydney. Now that would be an adventure!!

Good on you "Wisey" for dipping your toe in the water. It's not so long ago that you reprimanded me for lusting after Saff's Jon Bon Jovi claiming that you could never imagine doing all that "ewww" stuff again (you can't hide under that nun's habit you know!). Good luck with Longboat Man if I don't catch you before Friday. x

wow, drfayray, your job sounds high-powered. I reckon that it is possible, indeed beneficial to work to be working really hard AND have some romance!

Beach bar date with longboat man sounds really nice evening, however it turns out. Although wine on Sydney harbour sounds even better!

My friend does crochet and there's this craftsy website where people send each other stuff they've made, no-one knows what they're going to get, is quite fun.

Totally understand what saffy's saying about female friends, spent more than 10 years in London with only one proper female friend in the city and it was really, really hard. Since moving a year ago and going on maternity leave again have made a real effort and had some fun times and random chats with lots of women and, I hope, made at least a few new friends. Sometimes my efforts feels like dating (asking to go for coffee etc.)!