After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Well I spent an entertaining while this afternoon with, lets call him Stilleto Man.

Lovely profile, great pic. Very keen (him).

Very keen for me to send him a pic of me in my stilleto's. Begging me in fact. He was very funny. Of course I didn't. But it was rather fun. He gave up in the end. I mailed him this evening to see if he'd had any luck elsewhere.

No.

Also had an interesting conversation with a tranny called X. Not sure which camp to put her into Saff.

Oh and please don't worry girls. I am just having a ball. Nothing serious, just a dress rehearsal for a new life.

Talking of dresses - wtf shall I wear on Friday?

Wear something that makes you feel good but that is also comfortable! (Easy to take off giggle. I think I will be living vicariously thru you Wisey!

You sound like you are having fun. I have not had fun in a long time...What's it feel like? sad face

Do not forget to report back. We are waiting here...tongues hanging out for latest updates!

xx

Saff - a hippy dippy poncho - for me?

How utterly gorgeous! Thank you!

In the spirit of achieving some balance - am meeting a RL friend for lunch tomorrow, and going to see an x woman colleague who has been in touch and wants us to meet up.

There is a niggling worry that I'll try and populate my head with numerous male fantasy figures to try and rid myself of hard reality. But I'm aware of that and listening to my gut. There's a strong possibility that it's a phase I'll go through and then I'll properly settle into my identity as a single woman. And a 'well if you can do it PTM, then so the fuck can I' two fingered gesture there too. There's a hope that when he finds out I'm out there dating again, he'll hate it. And he probably won't like it, but it doesn't change anything.

I notice that I'm so much more assertive and confident with the safety net of distance communication on the dating site thing. So everything is still really bumpy and uneven, but at least the wheels haven't totally fallen off.

Hi

Yes - for you! Probably be ready by October, cos I've got lots of "orders" for RL friends to do first. But you will have one, promise!

A tranny - how lovely, could be a fun friend, and probably has a camp of her own.

You've touched on a couple of things that have worried me (no, not worried, too strong a word), concern me a little. One is the "populating head with male fantasy figures to try and get rid of reality" - I'm pleased you've identified this yourself. The other thing is the big one: I'm concerned that you might be doing this not for yourself, but to get back at PTM. And you've identified that too - by saying that "there's a hope that when he finds out, he'll hate it".

And that is what worries me: that you still care enough about him to want a reaction from him. So, I know you are doing this for you, and you're together enough to foresee what might happen.

Things take time - I don't have the depth of feeling for my ex that you do for yours - I don't love him at all. I've explored this, and it's true - I'm not talking big, or putting on a brave face - I simply don't love him. I don't hate him, I don't like him. Totally apathy and indifference is all I feel. It must be so hard for you, moving on whilst, as you acknowledge you do still have feelings for him. So make sure you are always doing what you want for you, not to get a reaction from him.

Now serious stuff - what to wear? Well, I'd go for skinny jeans, nice heels (unless a walk on the beach is in order, but then you can take heels off, and swing then over your shoulder, whilst showing off you pretty painted toenails.) A pretty top - floaty, with a nice wrap (home knitted of course). That's what I'd wear, along with natural make-up and a light fresh fragrance.

X

You're on the money.

I've been thinking about editing the story I put out there about what I'm doing, you know, I met this guy on the beach, not I went online to a dating agency etc and then met him on the beach.

But then I thought, hang on, it shouldn't matter to me what PTM hears - it doesn't matter to him so why the fuck should it matter to me?

So total honesty, not caring what he thinks, not still seeking validation of my worth through him (such a hard habit to break but eminently do-able).

Thanks Saff what a star.
Now off to town to buy things for DD's 16th party tonight

We have candles, cake, sparklers, sprinkly stuff for the table, plates, cups, table cloth (all matching of course) AND

I put fairy lights all around the outside of the summer house ALL BY MYSELF.

Why on earth was I going to tell PTM to collect the tools from the shed?

I need them!

Oh, Happy birthday to DD! (its mine tomorrow )

I can remember that single time very fondly. I think that not knowing who you really are any more or what you want allows you to try new things and take a few risks. As long as you stay safe and understand that it is not to be taken too seriously, then its all great.

I actually met my now DH during that time which freaked me out completely as I knew I wasn't at all ready but also that he was worth the battle. It felt like i was being dragged towards a cliff edge and I couldn't stop it. Luckily for me, he is a very straight forward kind of guy and he could cope with me being really quite screwy for a while

Migrating that single time is such a long time ago for me, I can't remember what it was like!

Last night Longboat man and I arranged to speak on the phone tonight (he keeps losing his internet connection - one of the 'life on a boat' things).

I went into teenage mode! He was lovely about it, said it's cool if I change my mind cos he's so looking forward to actually meeting me on Friday - cue even more embaressment from me (so glad he couldn't see me).

So I am revving up a bit. I'm listening to the gaggle of girls downstairs, just about to jump in the shower. DD has been giving me fashion advice about what to wear tonight. She's so excited, I'm so excited.

God to be 16 again, such a distant memory but I've only to look at my lovely DD to see it all over again.

I never had much single time the first time round anyway ! Crappy first H was a school romance that lasted into my twenties. So when it all ended I was out there for the first time ever.

My gran always said youth was wasted on the young!!

Have a REALLY good time

Giggling girls downstairs - where are the boys? There must be boys....

When my DD1 was 16, she had a party (in January), and ex and I agreed to take YS out, and leave ES in charge. Things were already bad between us, and we went for an Indian meal (lovely) then we went to cinema. He and YS saw some action adventure, and I went on my own to see The King's Speech. We got home about 11.30.

The music could be heard about half a mile away. We got home, and found ES had gone round his girlfirend's. The birthday girl's boyfriend had snogged another girl - which caused DD throwing him and her out. Then we found a 17 yr old throwing up in our downstairs loo, daughters completely sober (thank God) and a couple "making out" in our bed!! Only to be thrown out unceramoniously by Lycra Twunt 2 seconds later. Downstairs - well, I'll leave that to your imagination! I was still finding empty bottles of WKD three weeks later.

Needless to say, when DD2 turns 16 later next year, we are going out with a few friends for a meal.

Happy Birthday Wisey's DD. I hope she has had a wonderful day/night.

So far-
i've come upstairs to have a fag.

I have one very drunk teenage girl telling me how shit her parents are and how wonderful I am. Getting plastic aprons ready to clear up the vomit when it comes.

DD has them all playing football in the garden.

No boys. The one who came with his GF escaped.

I danced and thoroughly embaressed DD, to Who Runs The World by Beyonce.

i am having a brilliant time!

Oh. Drunk girl just threw up into the bin.

Hahaha, sweet 16, those were the days! Love it.

That was the best party DD has ever had. It's actually her birthday today, and she's still asleep, didn't get to bed til 1.30.

I had such a good time, not at all what I expected. I was surrogate DM, agony aunt (twatty teenage BF's not texting back) part of a female homey dancing competition (I will be in the next Step Up film, you mark my words), chief photographer, and one of the girls.

About 11.45 I suddenly realised I hadn't given PTM a single thought, and when I did (as I remembered that I went into labour with DD overnight 16 years ago) it didn't hurt, I didn't feel the pang of the 'look what he's missing, look what i'm missing by his absence'. because girls, I didn't miss him at all. In fact it was a better party because he wasn't there. Seriously, it was. If he'd have been there I know how it would've gone. He'd have been taking charge of all the prep, i'd have been second-in-command, DD would've been fretting (which she did a bit but I was on hand to calm her and make her relax). In short, he would've been the centre of attention.

So many of her friends told me how much they all love DD, how funny and bright she is, how they'll miss her in 6th form, how much they know she's had an awful time these last few months and they want to help and support her - a sort of RL teenage not-yet MN network! I don't know if DD knows how much she is admired and loved by her friends, but they all rallied round, helped with the cooking and everything.

So, long and rambly post. But during the evening I made the phone call to Longboat Man. He's right in the middle of the trouble's in london but in a very quiet patch. We had a nice chat and we both agreed we think we're going to get along well. He thanked me for having the courage to phone. Awwww!

What a great sounding party!! Your DD and I share a birthday (but not sure I can remember turning 16!!).

Sounds like you are moving into a wonderfully grownup relationship with DD that has been made so much stronger over the past few months. What a great future you both have.

So glad you all had a great time last night Wisey and I'm so sure you are right re PTM wanting to be the centre of attention even at his own daughters birthday party. Its the way his kind feed their own ego. The big I AM !! NOT. Thankfully he wasnt there and everything went smoothly .... even if you did get 'a bucket full' or perhaps more that you werent expecting. Anyway, im off to see my grandchildren today and have a lovely day with them. I hope you, your daughter and anyone else you choose to spend the day with, have a fantastic day.

TC xx

Hmm

I don't know what to tell DD about tomorrow. How much is TMI and how little is not enough?

What I want to avoid is upsetting her, and having to field phone calls and texts from her while I'm trying to relax.

any suggestions?

Do not fret, your Fairy Godmother is here!

Could she possibly have a friend sleepover? This will distract her.

Tell her you are meeting up with some friends/a friend for a few drinks and something to eat. If she asks who, say A) someone/people I know via work, you haven't met them yet. Or B) (if you're feeling brave) having a drink with someone I met online, just casual.

Tell her that she can text you whenever you want - and this is crucial - that you want to know how her evening is going - so you will definitely text her so see how she is. (And do this).

Now, what are you going to wear honey? Apart from Chanel No 5 and a sexy smile?

Well, we're meeting in the afternoon at 3, maybe going for something to eat after a couple of drinks on the beach. I don't see us spending too much time together for the first time, so I thought I'd let him know that from the start.

But I can still tell her I'm meeting someone from online I think, casually, nothing heavy etc. That sounds like a good way to say it, thanks Saff. I can hear her objections - ewww, online dating, tacky, risky etc etc. Plus, the worry that I won't have time for her if I have a romance. But I think I'll say that I've deliberately chosen someone who doesn't live round here precisely because I don't want to start seeing people who live virtually in my pocket - very small place here. I hope that'll take the sting out a bit.

And. I'm being wooed by Longboat Man!

What'll I wear? Chanel No 5 -check.

Sexy smile - check.

Summery maxi dress with sandals?

Skinny jeans, nice floaty top and heels?

Hair up or down? (long tight curls)

Feck this is so exciting!!!!!!

Oooh, how exciting!

Think outfit should depend on the weather, both options sound good. Your hair sounds like the kind that will look great either up or down, so again would say see what the weather does! You wouldn't want it blowing everywhere for example. God, get me, worried more about wardrobe malfunctions than sex appeal, must get a life!

DD may well be tricky, agree that would be best to tell her though. Her party sounds brill, and her mates too, they sound like a fun and caring bunch. hopefully sixth form will be more of the same for her.

Hair - like mine - long and curly - but mine is often straightened to within an inch of my life - then I look less like the hippy chick I am, and more like a serious do-not-shit-on-me type that I need to be (i.e. when I see SHL). Are you blonde or dark (just being nosey). I'm blonde (very!).

Wear hair up, with a loose clip, and tendrils hanging down. If you like him, let hair down later. (am loving this - like me on a virtual date without the nerves).

Wisey I'm reading and I'm with you...and I'm sooooo envious that you're so far out of "limboland"....go for it, but easy I would say - Having said that, you show enough hesitation in your thread to make me think that you will, and that your head is really in the right place. I too, would love to just go out and have a bit of fun and attention, but the moment isn't right for me yet. But for you, it is, and that's great. I wish you loads of laughs and flirting, whatever the outcome....