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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

860 replies

Wisedupwoman · 07/08/2011 09:06

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 15/04/2012 22:52

Bring on the first draft - and have draught Wine yourself, Wisey Grin

Dozer · 16/04/2012 07:47

Wow, what a bitch! I remember how crap they were last year. Grrrr.

Good luck to OW with'em!

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/04/2012 21:44

My sol has finally sent an application for a first hearing to the court. At last. Now lets hear all those chickens coming home to roost Grin.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/04/2012 21:50
Dozer · 16/04/2012 22:04

About bloody time PTM came to court!

Hope DD isn't hanging on to that boarding-school dream, he won't come up with the goods, will try to blame you.

izzyizin · 16/04/2012 23:03

I'm deafened by the sound of beating wings and they sound far too noisy for chickens.

I reckon there's a legal eagle and a vulture or 10 flocking to get first peck at PTM's scrawny arse hidden assets Grin

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 20/04/2012 07:05

Love the link Annie!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/04/2012 18:50

I am seeing PTM on Weds evening to sign contracts to sell the house.

Seems court has scared him into action.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/04/2012 19:00

Hurrah!

Dozer · 23/04/2012 19:11

Good re house but bad that you have to meet!

Dozer · 23/04/2012 19:12

Please report back, even if not able to share nitty gritty, on his outfit!

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 19:49

Where are you seeing ptm Wisey?

If he's yet to disclose his hidden assets, do you know for sure that you'll have to sell the house - and is there any news on dd's education?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/04/2012 20:27

I'm seeing him in a public place and I have the contract which I will immediately take to the agent who is good to go. Actually I want to sell the house so it wouldn't make any difference to me now anyway and he is so keen to avoid court he almost fell over himself to make it easy for us to meet and get the house on the market. The reason I am meeting him with the contract is because 20 years of experience with people chasing him for months to sign and send back bits of paper tells me i need to put it under his nose and get him to do it in front of me. He knows that at the same time we are now working to beat the first hearing date so he has an unknown timetable which he can't control any more. Clever me!! DD has her interview and trial on thursday.

PTM has come up with a set of proposals which suits me and DD. Suffice to say he's moved a long way from his oiginal 'plan' and I'm not going to scupper my own plans for the sake of pissing him off because I've really moved on.

At last.

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/04/2012 20:45

Hurrah wisey! Wine

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 25/04/2012 22:23

I have met with ptm. He was uncharacteristically on time. I'd rid myself of all the fantasies and thought we'd just do the paperwork and go. But no.

I don't know how to describe how it was. But I can say that once again your wisdom and support was there with me and I was honest and direct with him. I'm so glad I did this. It was right. I now he still loves me and he has asked if we can stay in touch. I've said I guess we can as the need arises but we need to get the settlement done before anything else.

Oh my god. i sat across a table with the man who was my everything and we had an honest talk. I feel clean and happy and rid of all the poison.

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY, VERY MUCH.

OP posts:
Doha · 25/04/2012 22:31

Oh Wisey l am really happy for you.

Is it a good idea to stay in touch? This is the man who tried to screw you over, had affairs and treated you with utter contempt. Now he professes to love you Shock

I am glad for you that you feelo a huge weight off your shoulders but use this feeling to move onwards and don't look back.

Dozer · 25/04/2012 23:15

Sounds cathartic! glad it went well.

Of COURSE he loves wisey, in his (bit useless and not good enough for her) way, he may be many things but he knows he screwed up and he'll never be lucky enough to meet another like her.

izzyizin · 25/04/2012 23:59

You may have got rid of the poison, honey, but please don't lose sight of the fact that he's still full of it.

As for still loving you, he may profess to still love you but he'll always love himself more.

Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos · 06/05/2012 09:24

It's not moreshoes it's me, Wisey. I name changed last night to start a thread and I can't get me back!

I did that because I needed insight into wtf is going on with me and NM and suffice to say I now know it's over.

Seeing ptm last week did something to me and I knew that I was beyond the point of ever forgiving, forgetting and allowing him back into my life on any level which is a GOOD thing.

But it also made me reappraise NM and how i've been compromising, understanding, breaking my boundaries and allowing something which just didn't feel right. I did have issues of trust which was directly about ptm but I also saw that NM could be a twunt when he wasn't being charm personified (which in recent times i saw very little of).

I kept going on the baggage reclaim site and seeing stuff there which rang alarm bells but then he'd turn up and it would be all lovely - until the next time and I'd be wondering if it was me or if my instincts are really shot to fuck.

So he's ignoring me and no doubt will feel thoroughly justified and i expect he will sit it out and wait for me to come crawling and begging his forgiveness (I haven't done anything wrong btw, but I did stop chasing him and taking all the responsibility for everything).

Just need a bit of a hand hold now. I think it's going to be hard for the next few days and I will find it hard to stay away because it felt a bit like an addiction.

Thanks. Wisey.

Saffysmum · 06/05/2012 09:38

I'll hold your hand, Wisey Moreshoes...

Don't berate yourself for the time you've spent with NM, and please don't analyse it and pick it to pieces either. Just remember the good times with him, and move on. He was a little interlude in Wisey Moreshoes new life, and that's all he was. The positive thing here (which I will allow you to dwell on!) is that you took stock of the situation, saw that he was breaking your boundaries and decided enough is enough. That is great, because you've saved yourself from future hurt and over-investing in someone not worthy of you.

I'm glad that you realise that you will never feel anything for PTM, that it's well and truly over. I feel the same about twunt, and it's very liberating.

Oh, and my SHL got me the settlement I want, so it looks like I won't be seeing him in Court after all.....x

Doha · 06/05/2012 09:39

No advice wisey or moreshoes whatever...

But happy to handhold over the next few days..
A bit early for Wine so have a Brew and a very unMN

You will get through this as you are one very strong lady.

Saffysmum · 06/05/2012 09:54

Oh hell Wisey, I've just read that thread, you're well out of it, you really are. Do you want to discuss it here, or there? (I'll just make a cuppa and grab my Marlboros while you decide) x

Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos · 06/05/2012 10:00

I'll do it there and after i've got a cuppa and a fag x

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2012 11:10

Wisey, you have been very, very naughty. I had no idea the OP on that other thread was you. You've been keeping so much back on this and your previous thread about what this XDP was like. The most we got was that you were having wobbles but it was probably your fault. Oh, and that he may not be getting on with his divorce quickly enough. I strongly suspect you knew what everyone would say so you didn't say it because you didn't want to hear it.

Next time you get a bloke, we want the full dirty on him, k?

Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos · 06/05/2012 11:14

Shit, yes I was naughty. I knew what you'd all say. And i want my name back!!!

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