After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

I don't see anything obviously wrong with a light spray tan and touched up roots. Just make sure you don't get the bottles mixed up!

Hadn't thought of it like that Saff. Thanks for telling me about BIL. Longboat Man told me that when they knew she was dying and he was caring for her, he felt completely impotent - "what can you say to someone who can't move any more, do you fancy some cake?" That's so poignant.

But yeah, he's a grown man and he chose, like I did, to seek out the dating scene so it's not for me to worry about whether he's ready and what he's ready for. My only responsibility is to myself, but I agree with you, we seem to have a propensity to look inward when relationships get tricky instead of seeing the other as having issues that are actually nothing to do with us at all. So PTM hasn't dumped his stuff with me, he's taken it with him into his thing with OW. the mere fact that now he's free, their relationship has been going on for a year and he's saying he doesn't know if it's even serious tells me he's doing the same thing all over again - being Mr Unavailable, not because he's harbouring fantasies about me and his life before OW, but because that's who he is. That's fine.

Now, off to make more coffee and plan my day, which will include knitting.

X post with timefor - absolutely agree full english with everything. Nothing less will do.

PTM is learning that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

He is also seeing that the grass he left is not only much greener but full of blossoming meadow flowers too!

Wow Wisey, I finished reading your first post of today with tears in my eyes and then Saff came along and did the same thing. What you both wrote is so personal and articulate; so much of it resonates with me.

The lessons learned on these threads are invaluable. It?s a privilege to know people at the level we do on this site. We are not able to make the usual judgments about each other: that one minute summing up when you first meet which can be totally superficial but can influence whether we become friends or not.

There?s no game-playing here, there?s no holding back for fear of embarrassment in RL and the anonymity allows us to try and help each other in ways that we would not in RL.

I know that in RL I would not say half of the things I say on here because I would not want to be judged, because I would not want to be hurt if my words are clumsy and scorn is poured on them. On MN these externalities don?t apply in the same way which is odd because the spoken word lasts for as long as someone chooses to remember it but these written words on here are a lasting record.

On MN we have come to know each other from the inside out, starting with the feral pain of heartbreak and how each of us copes with that and then moving outwards to build up a picture of a poster?s family, sense of humour and their life in general; the inverse of how friendships evolve in RL.

Most importantly for me is the aspect of leading by example. There is nothing more galvanising than reading about a sad MNer forcing themselves to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and ending up having a better day than the day before.

So Wisey and Saff - thank you for sharing, so articulately and with such raw honesty, what is happening to you and yours because it is helps and teaches so many who read your words.

And on today's theme of moving on and the lovely meadows metaphor -

i just emailed PTM and said this:

"I am having work done on the large shed. I want you to remove all the items you have put in it (fucking loads of stuff, crap etc). I will remove the items needed for ongoing maintenance of the house first. You may text me suggested dates and times since emails from you merely bounce back. Alternatively if you do not wish to do that, please arrange and pay for a large enough skip to be delivered to the house".

And then I sent it. No problem. No pain. Just feelin' in charge. .

wow, what a hugely emotional set of posts today, I feel very privileged to have read them and seen the journey you are both making. You are seriously amazing.

Its my 7th wedding anniversary today, celebrated with a lovely DH and two amazing DC (they are the thing I am most proud of in my life...my biggest achievement).....all following an unhappy relationship and marriage with my cheating scumbag of a bastard ex. Divorce....best thing I ever did

Happy, happy Anniversary to you both Migrating. A glass of something bubbly to tickle my nose with, YAY!

You are right B&A. I have learnt so much from reading threads like yours, Saffy, WuM and now Eider. I find it so overwhelming that people going through such a horrible time can post and help others.

Your forays into the dating scene is very inspiring to me. I am scared actually of thinking about that. I am just focussing on my new job and trying to cope with the kids and house.

But I am excited for you. Thank you for sharing so openly.

Thanks drfay.

Well PTM has ignored my instructions (wanker). he has emailed me to say he wishes to discuss the 'usefulness and validity' of the mediation process and taking DD away (which she currently is reluctant about).

Well he can discuss the 'usefulness and validity' of mediation in mediation can't he? My guess is he's scared about declaring the financial stuff. Hasn't realised he'll have to do that anyway if we go to court, or he's banking on my being scared to go to court in case I 'lose out' on the mega bounteousness of his proposals.

So I won't respond if he can't accept the boundaries I'm imposing on communication. End of. It'll cost him another £450 quid to have that particular conversation with me. Or perhaps he just won't turn up. Either way, he'll end up paying through the nose.

couldn't give a flying fuck tbh.

He is a piece of work isn't he. Did he not realise that he can't get divorced in any way, shape or form, without a financial disclosure. I think I mentioned this ages ago, that perhaps he thought he could manipulate mediation, that it would less restrictive for him.

Thanks all for your nice comments.

I am just fixing the kids something to eat - then I am off on my adventure! I shall tell you all about it tomorrow! Am defo going for the Full English - I love a good sausage I do

On the money, I don't think he did, he's trying to regain control of a situation he began and thought he could continue to have mastery over. Not so.

Anyhoo, he's texted exactly the same message, realising that I don't respond to emails. Personally, since I only wanted to know when he can collect his shit stuff from the shed, this will be the only bit of the text I'll respond to - when Im ready in a couple of days. There's no rush any way, just thought I'd give him something else to think about on the day he'll be reunited with OW from her holiday - thus reminding her of the shit lovely relationship she has come home to. < goes to sit on naughty step recently vacated by Saff>

oh, please let him ignore the text so that you get the pleasure of skipping the lot and billing him for it!!! If he does collect it, could you add a cardboard cut out of a guitar with 'eric clapton' written on and a pair of old undies one the top...just to confuse him silly and give us all a good laugh!!!

I like your naughty step!!! It looks like ever such a fun place to be

Silly PTM still doesn't realise that wisey is wise to this kind of crap! D'oh.

Evry time - Every time I have reason to contact him he tries to engage me in some other talk.

Well I'm busy, busy tonight as Longboat Man has texted that he'd like to call me at 9. Phone will be engaged on another call.......

Silly PtM.

poor sad desperate ptm...

hope you are still on the phone

He needs to get with the programme and just answer your questions, or he'll be getting the saffy pants-on-pire treatment!

Wisey you are in an immense power position on all fronts....!! If you haven't already, just sit back and realise that - might help you relax about all the unresolved issues. Yes, you're feeling edgy about LBM, but you've had so many lovely posts and he's your first date...Nothing at our age is going to be innocent and straight forward. We'll all be going into this with baggage...and with our eyes clearly WIDE open. I think dealing with previous marriages would be my first hurdle. LBM has death and DD. There's lot to get to know about a man who's going through/gone through that, if he's willing to open up....But that falls into the intense zone, and first you just have to get through the lighter bit, find out if you click and take things slowly...

As for PTM, yes there's still anger, but it's so justified, and you SO have the upper hand now with his new requests. IMO the longer you sit, the more he squirms cuz he realises he doesn't have the upper hand any more, but he's not quite sure who he's dealing with cuz he doesn't recognise you and you won't engage....I think you're right to force the coms through mediation. Of course he doesn't want that anymore because it's not really going his way. And with the way you've been dealing with this, he will have to take you seriously....and treat you with respect (well, wishful thinking, but he might just have to.) Just wondering, have you had a rethink about what you really want from him? The lack of financial disclosure really worries me, so I hope you find out about that soon.

Another thought, very unconventional I'm sure...I would think that in mediation, you could get him to agree something like a "code of behaviour". Dont' know about this, but you do....whether it's what "people" do or not, you could certainly slip a piece of paper for him to sign, for what it's worth, but at least you expressed an opinion, and perhaps made him feel small for having to agree with, for example...don't use the children as coms vehicles..etc. I'm sure it's not usual, but I would ask my sols if we could somehow achieve this, given his erratic and destructive behaviour...

As for DD, well, she's lucky to have you as her mum and you've handled the whole dating thing beautifully. I think that fundamentally, our DC's want us to be strong and happy first and foremost. You're so there!

Evening. Thank you all for posting, very funny pants-on-pire!!!!!

It would seem that PTM is rattled, for I have had more (as yet unread) texts from him this evening .

And I'm going up to london on Thursday to be shown some sights (steady!).

K yes I'm going to let my sol know what's going on and Im going to warn him that PTM may well pull out of mediation. he can give the heads up to the mediator. And yes. I fully intend to tell PTM in mediation not to use the DC's in any way at all. That way it is recorded if we end up going to court. Any way, busy day knocking the wind out of PTM's sails and tending to my seedling love life.

Night all, and thanks. Can't wait to hear about Saff's night shift.

Morning

He's going to show you the sights . Hope you float his boat

Great night, but quiet (which is good). Got 4 call outs - and no blue lights. Got on well with the two paras, made me very welcome. Worth their weight in gold they are. The lady para is about my age and she's just got remarried since a horrible messy divorce five years ago. Said she never expected to be happy again. Her ex had left her for another woman, and it only lasted 6 months. He's now in his early fifties and living at home with his mum! Ain't that always the way?

Very tired and full up. Went for the full English (so did they) and I had extra toast - well, I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. Going to bed for a couple of hours - haven't slept since 6.00 a.m. yesterday!

If ever anybody underestimated you Wisey - it's PTM; silly boy.
Agree with K's great post - he doesn't know the new you, and is out of his depth.

Off to catch some ZZZZZZZZZZZZ's night night X

Great therapy session today, therapist wanted me to remember how bloody angry I was last time and how frightening strong emotions of any kind are for me - well I've had plenty of those in the last few months. therapist pleased I'm starting to have fun and noticed how peaceful I seem.

Had great email from sol too. he agrees with me wholeheartedly that PTM is clearly afraid of the financial disclosure and wants to isolate me to push his agenda through. he said under no circumstances must I communicate outside of either mediation or the court process now. Also, he said if PTM does withdraw from mediation we can show why I have been give no other option by PTM but to go to court. So, all in all he's up a gum tree whatever way up he tries to go. Wanker (in case you haven't noticed that's my word of the moment for him, I rather like it).

And he's coming round to clear the shed of all his shit next week. Good.

Ah, at last your sol is gearing up. Glad to hear it.

XH made several overtures, when I first moved in here, towards using my garage for storage. I have strenuously resisted. I don't use it for anything else - it's too awkward an angle to get even my compact car in - but I am fecked if I'll let his clutter encroach on my property or my life.

Wanker indeed Wisey - infact he's XXX: Wisey's X Wanker.

Now, if he doesn't turn up to move his shit from shed - I know a man with a truck! Think about it - and this time ES will take his phone so he can take photos.

I told the paras last night about my BIL and ES's artwork, and they thought it very amusing, so they told everyone in the staff room when we popped back! So hopefully the news will be around every where soon!

Anyway, this is what we predicted way back isn't it - he thought he could control the mediation process to his advantage. Does he have a solicitor? Surely they must have advised him that he will have to produce a legally binding financial disclosure - even a quick google would tell him this.

Glad therapy went well, you do sound much better in yourself. And you have "the sights" to look foward too!

Stay calm and peaceful - it suits you hun X

MMmm your shift sounds like a resounding success in more ways than one!

Yeah, he's texted to ask who's going to be here. Wants to even be in control of that - too bad, if he can't handle not knowing bloody right I'll just empty it myself and get rid.

No he don't have a sol, clearly he's playing it by ear, hoping against hope I'll simmer down and come to my senses. Not a chance in hell of that. He may well have googled, or maybe OW has told him what to expect from her own experience, since it's a clear attempt to avoid any legal process whatsoever.

OR it's to tell me how impressed he is by my choice of mediator, how well he thinks I'm presenting myself, how great I look these days and how much he wishes me well and wants to provide to make up for being such a twunt!

He still doesn't have a SOL? How arrogant and stupid. Glad your one is being useful.

Maybe he could somehow be introduced to Lycra man's one?! He he.

Oh I'm sure they could all double-date, they'd have loads to talk about!