After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

It's up then.

Another tearful talk with DD. She very conflicted. Hates the idea of me ever talking to anyone but PTM, why didn't I ever pick up the phone and ask him to come back etc. Followed by if he came back he'd hurt us again, he's a rubbish DF, doesn't answer her calls, takes hours to answer her texts (rubbish DF is putting it mildly then).

Then she can't understand how I can be moving on and she's still so hurt, wants me to move on, can't stand how devastated I was, but also dreads what this means in terms of me talking to other men (and yes, she is now seriously suspicious about men in general - thanks PTM).

So I explained that Im not just a mum and I've other needs just as DD does which I can't meet. I also said I think for her she sees her parents living separately, both apparently only thinking of themselves, moving in different directions, as if she's no longer as important to us as living our own lives.

Then she said sorry for shouting at me (which she did) and she seemed to know that I get her and she's still my number one priority even as I move away from PTM and our history.

I haven't said I won't have a private life though. I have said I will respect that she doesn't want to be able to hear my conversations, so I will conduct that part of my life away from her - very important to let her know that I understand what it's like for her but I do nevetheless have the right to a life of my own.

Jeez, I have alot to be very angry with PTM for. He walks away, I deal with the immense and ongoing fall-out. But then, of the two of us I guess it has to be me, doesn't it? I'm the only one mature and level-headed enough to contain my DD's anguish.

Wisey - I'll read and respond to your post shortly. I hate to do this, but could you please update yourself with my thread - things are happening and I really need you! X

Wisey, sounds to me as if you are handling her very well. I know it's hard (have 2 teens myself), but you have a great relationship with her. You both seem to be able to get things out in the open, even if there is some shouting involved! Even if you weren't in your present circumstances, I think that kids that age find it hard to see their parents as seperate beings with their own lives and needs - they are just so focussed on themselves.

Wisey - I think you are handling things very well too.

There are lot's of conflicting emotions going through your DDs head; and 16 yr olds can seem like young together adults one minute, and small children the next. So as well as all the usual teenage angst - which mine seem to thrive on, there's this big hurdle for her to cope with.

She grew up - her formative years - with her mum and dad together. Just like my kids did. She's adjusting to you living apart, and this takes time. She still loves her dad, although the hurt he's caused you/her sometimes hides that love.
So she feels confused, and is battling with her love for him, her hurt with him, etc.

She may have friend's who's parents are divorced, and the mum (or dad) has a new partner who now lives with the family. This may be on her mind, "what if, in a year's time, mum moves someone in here - and they might have kids, so I might have step sisters/brothers." In her teenage mind, which will run riot, this sort of thing will unsettle her hugely.

She's coping with the change of not having dad at home. She's been a brilliant rock to you, and you have a great relationship. But it's the lack of security, the uncertainty of what you may do in the future that unsettles her.

So, keep reinforcing that you love her. Keep telling her she will always be your priority. When she sees you go on dates, keep it light and casual. Make it the most natural thing in the world. You're not ready to rush into another relationship, but she lacks the maturity to see this, so is charging full speed ahead in her imagination.

Once she sees that you are dating, but still her mum, and nothing changes between you, she'll be fine. It all takes time.

Just wanted to add my voice to those that are complimenting you on how brilliantly you are handling things with dd. Yes, there will be shouting matches, yes, there will be tears, yes, there will be huffs, - she's 16, what do you expect!

But through it all, she knows that you love her and have her interests at heart. Your relationship will get stronger and stronger.

PTM is missing out on that. You could feel sorry for him, but I wouldn't bother wasting the energy.

I am fecking as nervous as hell. Can't say any more.

Nervous or excited? Butterflies?

Of course you can say more - you're amongst friends here, and hell I need the distraction!

What are you going to wear?

Wisey, you are gorgeous, you are smart, kind, funny AND you sing (I'm so jealous, I'm tone deaf). He'll know all of that just from talking to you and I bet he's mega-nervous too. You will take his breath away. I just know it.

Nervous, scared, feel like Im going for a job interview and I don't know what the job is.........

lots of thoughts - am i ready, what if we don't click what if, what if, what if........

skinnies, white tunic, heels. natural make-up. one piece of simple jewellery round my neck.
hair down

if you don't click...who cares??? You are a mighty fine catch with very high standards for potentials to have to reach and a newly polished anti twunk alert devise primed and ready to winkle them out .

If you do and he is good enough for our wisey, then have fun

at skinnies

Wisey - your clothes/look sounds lovely.

Hope you have a lovely/are having a lovely time.

Do tell us all as soon as you can!

HI all!

It's done. The Date.

I like him. I fancy him. We spent the whole 4 hours together talking, having some , eating and walking.

There were some awkward moments at the beginning, yes, but it seemed to me like we were both unsure what to do - it's his first date too. So when I left him he said thank you and "do it again sometime?". I said yep.

He texted me to say he had a v lovely time and lovely to meet me.

So I'm not sure what happens now. I know I want to meet again.

But you never can tell.....

Well done, Wisey!!!!!! :o

^Longboat man and Wisey
Sitting in a tree
K I S S I N G!^

What does he look like - who does he look like? How tall? Slim? Big built? Skinny? Dark hair? Blond? Blue eyes? Brown eyes?

How old?

What was he wearing?

DETAILS...WE WANT DETAILS.

Of course he was impressed with you, who couldn't be.

(and I've been a very naughty girl today - tee hee).

I have been waiting with bated breath for your update.

I am so pleased that you have met someone you like AND fancy AND want to see again, which is such a huge step. Look back a few weeks ago and see just how far you have come.

I think that what you have done, Wisey is so very gutsy; I am full of admiration for you. You?re bloody brilliant if you ask me.

So it is early days but you know me, I?ve gotta say it - get ready for the lurve god Wisey: defuzz, pluck and moisturise!

OK!

He's taller than me, looks a bit like.....a younger and more good looking Elvis Costello, wears 'Buddy Holly' glasses, was wearing the clothes "I just fancied buying yesterday" (yeah, right). Muscular and athletic build. Dark blonde hair. Blue eyes. 51 like me.
Lovely face, clear skin, clean shaven.

Wearing casual clothes, trendy but not too young, typical musician I'd say.

Talked about his marriage, children (3) and being widowed earlier this year, how come he came to live on a boat etc.

He has a lovely attitude to his children, his x DW/P and respectful of DD and what she's thinking. No cheating involved in his relationships, just break down and then with his last one, he stopped work to look after her.

I am very taken. I hope he is too. I've been very much in the driving seat all week. Now I don't know what to do! Made it fairly clear, I think, that I'd like to see him again.

Now young Saff what exactly have you been up too?

Saff's been v v v naughty today :o

He sounds lovely.

I haven't done much, really (twiddles hair and looks at the naughty step in the corner of Wisey's thread). Just got all Twunt's stuff from the garage delivered by BIL and ES to his current address. And had it dumped on the lawn.

AND THIS WAS THEIR FAULT - NOT MINE: They made a little mountain of it all, and stuck his prized (signed by Eric Clapton) guitar upright on the top of it, and then they hung a pair of his boxers off it, (dirty ones which had been lurking in a bin bag in the garage, for five months, cos I refused to do his laundry after he slunk out.)

And now he's mad.

Wasn't me - I know nuffin'

Still in hysterics about Saffy's activities today!

Just posted on your thread Saff.

Naughty step? What naughty step? don't need no naughty step here, no-one's been naughty.

Oh, except that dozey fucker LM.

Yay, he was sexy! Like that he'd bought new clothes.

Saffy is definitely the naughtiest of the day.

Can forsee naughtiness of another kind for wisey soon.......

Morning Wisey, I am typing very quietly because I have a hangover - Bailey's on top of a vat of red wine - won't do that again in a hurry.

I do like the sound of longboat man. I like that he took the trouble to buy new clothes. Great that he has a good relationship with first wife and is a good dad, and is understanding about your DD. Lovely that he took time off to nurse his late wife.

Most of all I like the 'muscular and athletic build' bit.

When do you expect to hear from him? Who's contacting who? This is so exciting!

How do you feel it all went, upon reflection?

If it doesn't work out with Longboat Man, would you consider sending him my way?

Well done DD for being able to discuss her problems, even if it did get a bit heated. It's massive emotional stuff for a youngster. In the end, what I said rather unkindly upthread holds good, she will have to get over it. But how you deal with it makes all the difference to how well and how soon that will be.

Saffy, Baileys is good, red wine is good, but Do Not Mix The Grain And The Grape!