Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Yes I can relate to both of your posts. The telling of dc1 (in effect for being clever and able to stand a discussion and argue his pov for example - How adre he!). Less problem with dc2, mainly I think because dc2 is more of a clown (so he doesn't feel threaten??) and has more problem speaking up (Language issue).

So yes. That's the one thing that hurt more than anything else for me and the one things that made me moving forwards instead of staying 'stuck' where I was.

bejeezus hope I didn't come ut as too harsh. I know where you are coming from and I think you are still grieving what could have been (the family , mummy & daddy together and all the nice times). You will come through the other side.
I think that HerHissyness is right. The relationship between our children and their dad is their dad's responsability not ours. As hard as we can try, we will not make them do what we would like them to do (be good dads). So perhaps the best is to take as one of these life misfortune and help our dcs through it ?

Everything to do with the abusive male, be he dad, our P/H/X is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

We alone are responsible for only our own happiness.

As much as these abusive men like to sit blameless on their thrones of entitlement, pointing the evil, twisted finger of blame in all directions, as we all know to our cost, no amount of walking on egg shells, keeping the peace, accommodating their needs, and erasing our own lives, likes and loves will ever bring any happiness to them or anyone in their shadow.

Eventually they work out that OUR happiness makes THEM miserable, and then when our DC are happy, they are somehow perturbed, and jealous and then unhappy. We all know where that leads..

Abuse is a black hole, it sucks all joy in and emits nothing but blackness and pain.

Abuse is a black hole, it sucks all joy in and emits nothing but blackness and pain.

That's the best description I have read of what these last few years have been for me.
No joy and pain.

Having said that, just as much as everything to do with our H are their responsability so my own happiness and joy is my own responsability too. So These last few months I have concentrated on bringing the joy back in my life despite H. It worked (OK perhaps not always there but it there quite a bit of the time, esp when H isn't around as much)

Sorry I haven't been on. Hi to the new people!
Hissy, again you are so right. I was lying on my bed today seething with anger at him and I suddenly thought why I am I allowing him to make me so angry. So I put on some music to relax.
To cut a long story short. I am on the first day of my period. I get them pretty bad to the point the pain and bleeding leave me dizzy and practically unable to function properly. They only last 2-3 days but for the day before and day of I am like this. Eases off into day 3. HE KNOWS this. He claimed this morning he was too tired to get up with the DCs so I was up at 5am with younger DC who couldn't sleep last night. He claimed HE couldn't sleep either but then, he was the one that stayed in bed while I was downstairs with DC2 making warm milk and talking nonsense at 5am. So I asked him mid morning would he take DC1 to her appointment. No he said. He had somewhere to be. Frustrated I went to lie down. He came up a while later with a cup of tea and asked what time DC1s apt was . I told him and asked again was he going to bring her ( i thought thats what he was asking!) He said NO again, he had stuff to do. THEN HE TOOK THE TEA BACK and accused me of having pms and he is sick of me ACTING this way every month. He said "It was my tea anyway I was just giving it to you"
WTF
So when I came down a few minutes later to get sorted to take DC1 to her apt he starts rowing with me because I said to him that suddenly he has this pain or is busy or any other excuse when I actually need him to help me. He told me I could go to the shop then to get the lunch things needed for DCS to eat (i have not got to shop yet-) on foot while I'm clearly in pain. Heated exchnge occured and I told him I wish he would just leave then after he shouted some more abuse at me I defeatedly went out the door while he shouts after me "I hope you get hit by a car and die"

I took DC1 to her apt. Came home. He hadn't had to go anywhere in a hurry at all. He was still sitting in the same place. Nothing done. He hadn't even bothered to go and do any shopping.

I HATE him and I'm so bloody sore and fridge STILL empty. W***

plasticfork emotional abuse against an adult is terrible, no excuse for it, it's not acceptable. But psychological abuse against a child is child abuse. Hate to put it like that but that's the way the court will see it.

" These last few months I have concentrated on bringing the joy back in my life despite H."

That is all you need to do.

it's YOUR life, it's YOUR pleasure, your joy, you don't need anyone's permission to be happy.

thing is though, they get wind of this our independent source of joy and they will attempt to sabotage.

Did you see that thread this week, the weird behaviour one?

He'd supposedly:

• pelted her car with eggs,
• emptied tea bags all over the kitchen
• dumped the entire bag of food over the guinea pigs,
• pulled out the heart of a venus fly trap plant and left it for her to find.

I know that the OP was a troll, but one of the above was not in that thread, it was something that was done to me. Can you spot it? Does it stick out as more or less weird than the others?

IMHO, it doesn't stand out at all. That's why as bonkers as it sounded to those on the outside of an abusive relationship, I felt that the thread could have been true! I know that there is NOTHING one of these guys won't do, if it hurts us, befuddles us or takes away something we treasure.

The day you all realise you are not playing by the same rules of engagement as you would do with a normal person, is the day you realise that you have no clue as to what you have been married/partnered to all this time.

It's scary, but in a way it helps, cos you detach easily from a stranger.

Hi everyone, I think the summer break is doing me the world of good-giving me time to be alone with my thoughts & argue with myself whilst the dc's are finding the next slide to conquer etc. I have been calling him out all week and he's not liked it one bit! good! he's not meant too! he gave me & dc's a lift to do the food shop, put extra money in my hand & was shicked when he asked if I wanted to see my bff today whilst he took the dc's to see their uncle, they hate each other & she only tolerates him....

(sorry gave me a lift this morning)...back to bff...she does it for my sake but that's partly the thing no-one should have to do anything for my sake like an earlier post said it affects everyone. big hugs to plasticfork my dd said to me yesterday 'i don't want daddy in the new house-he always shouts too much'; yet she's a real daddy's girl. I read a tweet the other day ''how can you say you love someone yet express hate towards them"......should really point some of these in stbx's direction!

Pixie, as great as the tweets are, as good as the comments and sayings are, you can't negotiate with these people.

calling him out is good, won't change anything, but it'll concretise to YOU that you are worth better and more and that he IS treating you like shit.

You sound better pixie, keep it up!

thanks hissy i know there's no negotiating now, on reflection i think i've been fighting more for the marriage than the actual relationship if that makes sense? called him out just now too, dc's were playing in the garden & talking to ND's dc when lunch was ready so I called & made them come in, they were kicking&screaming to carry on playing, he takes them off me and tells them to carry on playing! b***ed stbx for overiding me and left him to do the 'lunchhour' whilst i've gone for a walk in the woods!

oh forgot to mention i've found and applied for 3houses this week! :) told stbx he really needs to start looking for his own place now, he asked where the houses were to which I replied you don't need to know that do you as you won't be coming with us! hope you're all having a good weekend x

Pixie just wanted to say good for you! You are sounding strong at the moment - its very empowering to call them on their behaviour isn't it? I had an argument with H on thurs night about his behaviour and it was the first time I ever felt in control or having the upper hand in an argument with him. For the first time he was the one stumbling over his words and losing his point! I would be cautious though. I personally feel I need to wind my neck in a bit though and "play the game" until I have moved out, and possibly a bit beyond as well. Whatever it takes to protect ourselves and our DC. Hissy's right, it easier to detach from a stranger which is why I think I have this new sort of confidence. I don't want it to be my downfall though iykwim.

BreakFree what an absolute Arse your H sounds. I was getting angry on your behalf reading your post. Hope you're feeling better today.

BreakFree "I hope you get hit by a car and die" I get that all the time, suggestions to jump off a cliff and the like. And the 'too tired' thing ,what planet are they from?
Last night, I had done two shitty cleaning jobs like I do every day, plus dealing with everything at home, he told me he was 'so tired he was close to tears' sorry but you stay, you Loll in bed all day every day and my sympathy is wafer thin. We are having some friends round for a barbeque tomorrow, well that's the plan, this morning he asked me what are we doing about tomorrow? Me: what do you mean? Him: well is it going ahead? Me: Why wouldn't it? Him: Because you are being a bitch. I told him to man up a bit, we're all bloody tired we just do what needs doing and then think about being tired.

Reasonstobecheerful,
He sounds like the twat I live with. Stayed up half the night drinking, smoked all the cigarettes and then shouting at the DCs this morning for being up and playing upstairs at 9.30am! It was supposed to be my lie in this morning but of course that never happens. So I lay there for a while and he came out of the spare room and shouted at the DCs to go back to their individual rooms. DCs came into me and older DC went to settle down beside me with her ted. Younger DC was messing about and got up and went back to her room . Arse got back up came stalking into my room shouting that kids shouldnt disobey him and whipped older DC up out of the bed and put her in her own room upsetting her in the process. All she was doing was having a cuddle with me! I went back in and got her and younger DC who also wanted cuddles while he went on a rant about how older DC is nothing but a manipulative shit stirrer. While she listened to the whole thing obviously. What a shit head. Hangover so taking it out on the kids as usual. Younger DC commented that the big monster was gone back to the other room and she could still hear him. So she got up and closed the door. Led to him ranting even more. Asshole. Then he started loudly shouting that the DCs weren't getting a dog (they had been asking for one) and I'd been considering it as DC1 has sp.needs. How immature is he. Then he started shouting how he was going to get up originally but now he wasn't and I could do it and then shouted to DC1 not to even look at him today. He is a pure pathetic bully! They are both under 7 ffs.
He has such an air of self entitlement, craving to control EVERYTHING and so self absorbed and self opinionated its really sickening. He fits the profile of a man with NPD so easily its scary.

breakfree & reasons I relate so much to your posts re the sleeping, stbx is like a koala! poor you & your dc's, do you know I think I know why they pick on the dc's not that i'm excusing it but i think it's when they know they're losing control over us they know we'll always 'try and keep the peace for the dc's' instead iykwim? dh is gutted because i've wisened up to that now too! I'm already visualising what i'm going to paint the dc's bedrooms like, need to calm down haven't been offered it yet! lol x

Hello Everyone - sorry for my long absence, been caught up in RL stuff. X has just been to see DD. First time he has been in my house since the split more than three weeks ago. It was horrible in that my stomach was on spin cycle the whole time, but also brilliant in that the minute he left I went round saying "Yuk, yuk yuk" and opening windows

Nothing bad happened btw, but I was looking at him with objective eyes which was great. I just thought, I know what he's like now. Even if he was never emotionally abusive again, there is no trust left. I would always feel on edge.

Seeing him raises the old feelings, but I'm alright because I know we have really split this time and there is no going back. Life would just be SO much easier if I never had to set eyes on him again. I know that's an option but for now I'll settle for him picking DD up from the house.

Right, off to catch up with the thread now! May be some time!

For all you still feeling bad about labelling your OH an abuser, try thinking of him as an oppressor and have a look at this which offers good examples of what constitutes oppressive behaviour.

This by herhissyness is so true 'The day you all realise you are not playing by the same rules of engagement as you would do with a normal person, is the day you realise that you have no clue as to what you have been married/partnered to all this time.

It took me 5 years to realise this and even now I still struggle to fully comprehend how someone can be so devoid of normal human feelings. Mine has just broken an occupation order to inform my friends and neighbours the complete opposite of the truth of what's actually going on :(

breakfree, my x used to do that; claim that he was going to have done such and such for me (a considerate, normal thoughtful thing) but now because I had done x,y or z he was not. Ha! like he was ever going to have let me have a lie in, make the dinner, put the kids to bed...................

hello,

I have been away for a while.
I wanted to thank you lot! because without you, I wouldn't be where I am now & that is a very good place.

I have started divorce proceedings...

and feel a huge sense of freedom.

I was a mess during the time of realisation of what I had married, learning about his behaviour, thinking I could change it/me/him.

And then it hit me - I can do whatever I want, live how I want, enjoy my life, I don't have to constantly look over my shoulder, fear the disapproving looks & comments, trying to work it out, understand it. I'm happy.

Sounds simple, but it took me a bloody long time to get here.

And another one walks to freedom .....

xx

Hi ViVee

I'm so pleased that things are working out for you. You sound strong and sorted.

I'm hopefully on my way to freedom too!

x

Vivee - or should that be Yippee
Well done! So pleased for you. x

PeepToes - hang in there, freedom tastes gooood!

thanks, PeepToes! & good luck.

Great to hear of being in a good place now.

Am going to be a downer to the party and ask: I know ex is not going to engage with any perpetrator programmes. So do I agree to mediation and say yes to contact with DCs via ex MiL, which is sort of ok, and means no overnights unless he goes to court. I reckon he knows that everything will come out or do I stand up for saying this is what happened and risk that he gets unsupervised contact or that it eventually goes that way? If I go to mediation I can't face seeing him in case I break down and start crying.
I don't have any self-respect for having not stood up to him and because I don't have any self-respect I don't want him to hate me. Urggh back in the fog. Have had miserable day trying and failing to put on brave face for DCs

notsorted - you can't stand up to someone who moves the goalposts all the time. It's not possible. It's like trying to keep still on a conveyor belt. So please try not to be so hard on yourself. Sometimes its best to stay silent and conserve your energy.
Perpetrator programmes do not have a good success rate, so no time wasted there (my X went through 2 and just learned to be more manipulative and covert with his abuse)

Of course you are miserable, who wouldn't be? Taking our self-respect is what these twats do best, unfortunately, but he has even less of his own. Dont focus on him hating you, focus on loving your DC's and being kind to yourself.

I've no experience of mediation or contact issues yet, but if you trust ex MiL, then go for it. You will need time to yourself to get your head together.