Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Dear MO thank you. Had a weak day today imagining the man who didn't exist might have enjoyed the afternoon with the DCs. Stupid really as he'd have complained about too much sun, spending too much time with them enjoying themselves and then shouted at me when we plodded home instead of gritting teeth and thinking 'yes, they are tired, let's just get home'.
Trouble is I'm finding it hard not to feel sorry for myself. And it's the summer holidays so we should be having fun.
Goodnight

notsorted - you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. Just because he denies your feelings doesn't mean you have to.

(Wonders if it's obvious if I have had a damn good wallow myself this evening )

notsorted? can you refuse mediation, citing abuse and the overall established pointlessness of mediation/therapy, his unwillingness to engage in any remedial programme will suport HIS stance of lack of effort, AND also could you insist on contact via the MIL?

You too can be in Vivee's good place, all you have to do is focus on yourself and your DC. It really doesn't matter what your STBX thinks of you.

After all what YOU thought of HIM never mattered to HIM did it?

Vivee: Well done, my god you sound so much stronger! great when that fog lifts isn't it? You ARE doing the right thing.

X is now saying he might have to come back to the UK to work. I've texted him to make it clear that it's his decision, but not to tell DS, as he's scared that X will kick off again, and also made it clear that wherever he is, I'll arrange visits when possible, so he knows that staying with ME is never going to be an option.

Fuck! the very thought of having that back in my house, my flaming bed and my life? SHOOT me now!

MO? Wallow? really?

thought that might happen.... take it easy on yourself, you did a tough thing today and although it went better than you expected, the disappointment WILL leave a gaping hole in your spirit.

It'll pass, fill it back up with HOPE. With this clown, you never had hope, without him, you have bucketfuls!

C&P time.... See if YOU all understand what I've frigging said to him and why am I bashing my phone on my forehead???

Me: You need to decide what you need to do to live until that flat is sold. I have my life and it's going OK. I wouldn't change a single thing about it. If you do decide to come back to the UK, please don't tell DS at the moment as he's been very worried that you will shout &throw things. He misses you, but you scared him. We neither will put ourselves in that environment ever again. If you're somewhere in the UK, we will arrange visits when possible.

HIM: Can I stay at your place when I come back to england?

TWAT!

Hissy, I assume you said "No"!

I understand what you said, but it wasn't a clear-cut "You can't stay here". I feel sure you've put that right now

Hi Vivee - I had wondered where you have been all this time. You were in a place that you didn't need us - a good place (no offence everyone)! Glad you're back here though. x

Right now, focus, don't get sidetracked by other threads Barbie! (I always come on here to catch up with you guys and then get drawn into other threads).

So he read the first chapter of Engel. I have said I can't feel close to him until he has shown that he wants to make this work, by reading the book or going to see the male counsellor who I have set up for him. He turned the whole first chapter against me - I said, I had expected him to do that. Completely ripped me to shreds emotionally, my family, my history, found a list of examples to pinpoint my controlling behaviour, yadayada. I told him I expected him to react like that. Then 15 minutes later, says sorry, didn't mean it, blablabla. Says he will read the book.

Giving him a huge benefit of the doubt I would say his attack on my family means he is beginning to understand the impact of family/upbringing on him. I think he understands the concept. Perhaps that is the first step. At first when he ranted I resigned myself to accepting that he just wanted to blame me for everything and leave, never learn, disappear in a narcissistic fog and never return. He was just about to.

Then he comes back and says sorry. Why? Because he loves me? How can you love someone when you rip them to shreds?

Barbie, I'm afraid I think he's just going through a list of possible reactions to the book, to find out which one pushes your buttons. Your 'button' is understanding the book's message and showing signs of recognising his behaviour; you'll need to stay massively detached to remain immune. If I were him, I'd decide to "recognise my behaviour", blame my upbringing for it and use that to demand forgiveness every time I pulled a control trick ... "I'm sorry, you know I can't help it" kind of thing

I don't know whether your H is a full-blown Narcissist. They do have moments of clarity, when they're able to see how they're different from most people and why it complicates their lives. Sadly, the insight terrifies them so they clamp down the barricades afresh.

Hissy, yep I wallowed. Just the way I do things, it wasn't about him. Just grief for the dream I lost. He is no loss. At. All.

Gawd, I hope your X doesn't come back to UK. Does he know where you live? Totally with you on never wanting him in your house, bed, etc. X hated that I would never live with him. Well he shouldn't have continually threatened me with homelessness and abused me when he DID live with me.
I echo your epitaph: TWAT.

Barbie Be very careful."Sorry" means sod-all unless he follows it through with positive, consistent action as well.

Garlic, that's exactly what happened this morning - and that may only be wishful thinking on my part. His own realisation terrified him and he is clamping down barricades.

I am very detached, I get drawn in and upset, but essentially I am detached. I see it in very simple terms - he makes some changes (by going to counsellor or reading the book - either way I will know about it when he has - it's ME who decides about this) or we fall apart. This is his last opportunity to make it work. I have done everything I could to help him, this is the last thing I'm going to do.

I can handle any of his behaviours, I have done for years, I just see them clearly and am detached. I cannot give him the 'hugs' and affection he is pushing for. He keeps trying but I simply can't do it and it's as though I am saying to him 'enough is enough - you have to make me WANT to touch you' If you speak to me the way you do, I won't want to touch you. Simple.

Hard for him, rejection is not a pleasant feeling, but I have always told him exactly why I am not able to be close to him. He tries to make out that it's me that's unhappy, but I'm only unhappy with him. I know that now, after being full of self-doubt for years and years.

I don't know whether your H is a full-blown Narcissist. They do have moments of clarity, when they're able to see how they're different from most people and why it complicates their lives. Sadly, the insight terrifies them so they clamp down the barricades afresh.

Yes, I witnessed that firsthand as well. My stbxh was only honest once, I think: on the night he finally went too far, and we both knew it, he stormed out of the house and came back later after a walk and a smoke, looking totally shattered and saying: "I don't understand it but I feel like I have to win all the time."

Sadly that insight was quickly replaced with the same old narc staples of denial, minimisation, blame, and projection, never to return again.

Dear Hissy
so sorry you are being troubled by the twat. Can you just not respond to the calls? Can you switch nos so he can't call you? You could do one last text to tell him full address and suggest he writes? A bit more distance perhaps that having a ripple of bad feeling when you least need it via text?
Barbie my copy of Lundy arrived today and I've been devouring it - a bit of a strange thing to read at the playground while watching the DCs - and I think yup, I'll post it to the b when I'm through but then think he'd twist it all back to me. So I guess that's like you and your H. The messages are so complex and the path so crooked that it really does take a willingness to change to accept the message.
Am also on Women Who Love Too Much as suggested by counsellor as I have to admit I was needy, too scared of being alone so should have called him on things much earlier. Lundy makes me wobble a bit, but then the reassurance that the woman is not to blame. I think I will have to read and reread till it all sinks in.

He owes me literally tens of thousands of £s. he is selling a large flat, so somehow, i have to put up with him until then.

I have just sent him a text. No, you can't stay here.

I hope that this will be clear enough for him!.

read Lundy, it'll stop your wobbles eventually. WRT the needy, scared of being on your own, many of us have been like that, but living with an oppressor/abuser only exacerbates the situation.

I think if you read Lundy first, remove the guilt, stigma and feeling of failure from YOUR shoulders, THEN look at ways you can strengthen your own self, reduce need and fear issues.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SEND THE LUNDY BOOK TO THE EX! That'd be an own goal of monumental proportions.

May I join in? I posted a few times myself over the years but never here.

I had one of my many lightbulb moments and after phoning samaritans YET aagain just for someone to talk to I phoned gp and they sasid they had a councellor on a day I don't work. Hurrah - just come back from gp today and they'll refer me.

GP agreed I wasn't depressed but noticed I was a bit teary (oh - you don't say - you don't show your emotions to anyone and it all comes out in one go).]

So looking forward to some counselling for me. Not for us - there is no us.

DH emotionally and verbally abusive 0- not physically.

Dear Hissy
I won't, don't worry. I shall think of it as my secret weapon.
And good thing is that MiL is thinking of coming to see her DGs so I can't be blamed for not keeping up the family contact.
Urghh just got solicitor's bill so will have to consider what is best cheapest way of sorting this out while keeping self-esteem somewhere along the line.
It's crap how money gets in the way of things isn't it?

Planned barbeque didn't happen, saturday evening I was listening to music on the computer and really I can't stress enough it wasn't loud. I would like it loud but I know he'll kick off that's why it wasn't. He came steaming into the room, reached over me and turned it down and then pulled the volume knob off the bass speaker, would not speak to me, left the room. I listened to another track with the other teeny tiny speakers he came storming in again I knew what he was going to do so I stood in the way, end result me and the pc and monitor chucked across the room. I happened to be having a chat with my son via text at the time and told him what had happened, he came over, we went for a walk round the block and I told him everything, that my partner had threatened to kill me, my son, my dog, just everything. So relieved he knows the truth now. He had quiet word with my partner when he got back, partner was yelling how I couldn't communicate therefore he would not talk in front of me, my son doesn't want to antagonise him despite how furious he is, partner blamed me over and over, but apologised to my son for the death threats (you know, as you do!!) waved a notebook about in which he said he had listed my out of order behaviour but son said there was nothing written in it. On my son's insistence I have today called NDVH and had a chat, have a local number to call, it's, I don't even know the word I need, sobering, touching, scary? to hear how seriously the lovely lady on the phone took it all. I've made the first step.

Dear Reasons
congratulations for the first big scary step. Great that your son is onboard too. Abusers are cowards, inadequates and therefore don't want anyone else to know what has been going on. Keep talking, keep telling. As someone else put it "You have to lie to make me look bad. All I have to do is tell the truth."

Standing up and saying out loud what has been done to you is such a huge step. that first step IS the hardest to take.

You can't live like this, not happily love. your DS is amazing to want to help get things on a safer keel for you, but he shouldn't have to if you see what I mean.

Please stay with us, keep posting and we will help you find your inner strength, your bravery to get to a safe place and leave this dreadful bully behind.

You need to report the threats to kill. seriously.

Even my x didn't threaten that. He used to write lists of my sins/misdemeanour's apparently. People WILL take it seriously, even us who HAVE been with nasty violent men will take you seriously, it's bad love, really it is.

You deserve so much more from life, and you will have it, but you have to find the exit.

We'll be with you all the way.

giveitago! my goodness! have you not been on here before? glad you found us!

Great news on the counsellor, hoping they will help you in RL and we can pick up the rest! You'll be right as rain in no time!

Hello all. Hope everyone's bearing up. Just wanted to let you know I'm still lurking and thinking of you all. I'm getting on OK, just keeping my tunnel vision and chugging along on my journey. I'll reach my destination eventually, just like we all will.

reasons how exciting for you to know your life is now going to change, you can start to look ahead at a life free from this kind of stress - and best of all - with a fantastic son who is right behind you.

notsorted I knew he would turn it back to me (reading up about emotional abuse), the great thing about this process is that I know what to expect. I know where this is heading, and if it takes an unexpected turn I will be pleasantly surprised. I feel a change in him will be little short of a miracle. But I have to give him that chance, but I need to set a time limit on it now cos it's dragging on a bit. In fact it's getting a bit tedious.