Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Yes, I can see how a thousand voices on MN would be a lot to take. I'm so sorry about how shaken you must feel right now.

My own journey toward realising my husband is abusive took a year, and each moment of clarity was a shock that made me reel. Then I would recover from it, and have another moment of revelation a few months later. MN was one of the many things in the background: I would read other people's threads on Relationships, and they would sink into my subconscious, but it was several months before I realised that I could fully identify with some of them.

plasticfork
I know I often think that I am over reacting calling it abuse. We had a discussion on here recently about that. It seems really really common for people to think that. And also that it is OUR fault. If we didnt do X, he would stop doing Y and Z.

What you described last night is abuse

we've all gotten so used to being treated so badly, that we have forgotten what normal is. NO ONE in a healthy relationship would find themselves here

hi all just popping in to say hi, lurking at the moment, been having a fun week of day outs with the dc's (probably because stbx weren't invited & wouldn't have bothered anyway!) will reply properly in the morning hopefully x

Morning all. Hey plasticfork :)

Well, the mask finally slipped yesterday. After about four weeks of the new improved, "changed" H he finally reverted to type. Swore at me and called me an ae in front of the kids because he hadn't liked the tone I'd used to answer a question. I didn't say anything about it at the time, apart from asking him why he was shouting and not to swear in front of the DC. Later in the day he lost his temper again when I asked him to make a necessary phonecall that, for data protection reasons, I couldn't make for him. Again, raising his voice in front of the DC because he didn't want to do it. Once the DC were in bed I said "I thought you said you'd changed?" Cue textbook responses; denial, discounting, minimizing, normalising, blaming etc. I think he ticked pretty much all the boxes. I barely managed to stifle a laugh when he told me it was because over the last few weeks I'd been pushing his buttons (I've been detatching/disengaging - we are separating afterall) and I'd caused him to explode!

I have to say I'm absolutely bloody elated! I was worried for a while that he really HAD changed and that I would have to give him a chance, but now he's confirmed that it was nothing more than a change of tactics to stop me leaving. Incidentally, yesterday's outbursts coincided with the delivery of my first major purchase for my new home

Grrr. Anyone know how I unhide a thread? I clicked "hide" by accident and now I have to faff about logging in and out to post and view. V annoying!

Have a week off from work next week so am going to buy the Lundy Bancroft book (if I can find it), as I have said before I am over 14 years out of an EA marriage but I know that it has had a long lasting effect on my self-esteem, my confidence and my ability to relate/communicate with other people.

WDIM

I do that too- almost feel relief when he is horrid, if he's been OK for a while. Its such a hard thing to seperate and sooo easy to doubt yourself if they are being 'nice'. I used to wish for him to hit me , as I thought that would definitely be it for me. I would definitely leave if he hit me.

he only ever did a few times. But I didnt leave

i know I keep harping on a bout the kids...but can I do it again?

Ive just been for my first mediation appointment...I thought she was going to talk about finances. She talked mostly about the children. I CANT BARE IT. I know its going to be a good thing. Its good that SOMEONE ELSE is going to tell him us the importance of regular contact with dad/ reliability/ minimising conflict etc. It makes me sob and sob and sob and sob.

And sob and SOB!!!

poor poor poor little bairns
they dont deserve this

I so so wish I had left before dd1 had grown

Hi everyone, hi plasticfork
I have just found an old thread of mine - from 2008! Where I am saying exactly the same things. This is definitely the last chance. He has been busying himself and avoiding reading the Engel book, he's not having sex with me until he's read it and I told him that I will know when he's read it because his behaviour will change. Once again I have to push and push for him to do the decent thing.

Right now I want to hear about peoples success stories. I want someone to sell me the idea of how good my life will be without him. That I will find someone else, that my dcs won't be devastated, their lives will be better, I will survive financially, have a decent job and satisfying lifestyle (never needed much btw - am a bit frugal and not fussy about work - don't want to come across as spoilt or greedy) and live in the location of my choosing. I still can't visualise this, I don't know where I want to be and how I want to live. I've lost my sense of self. I've become scared of taking care of myself if that makes sense.

Just occurred to me that my family is rootless (no extended family here), this may have something to do with my fear. We are all over the place geographically and no place feels like home although I've been here for 45 years, home is just familiar, I don't feel I belong here, or anywhere else.

bejeezus poor bairns will be fine. They are resilient little bouncers. You've got to make yourself be fine by being positive and by doing all the right things, allowing him the opportunities, and if he messes up then that's his problem. Allow him to fail, allow him to succeed, but allow yourself the freedom to focus on the wains (while we're speaking Scots). Leave his relationship with them up to him to build - that is, if he wants to.

Another thing while I'm on a 'mememe' session, why does he never make plans? We need to make them - he just makes his plan, never consults, never discusses. He's going into redundancy and I know he has plans but he won't talk to me about them. I have no idea how we are going to manage. It's no way to live really is it?

thanks for replying barbie I was speaking geordie not scots

do you think your sense of being 'rootless' and not really belonging is in part down to your P. I know mine makes me feel like that (although I live near my parents) because the relationship doesnt really allow you to be yourself. So there is a constant feeling of not being completely relaxed/at ease feeling a bit disengaged from life around you?

I believe that the contentment which I think you are striving for comes from within

Mine wouldnt make plans with us and wouldnt tell me of his plans either. And that I think adds to the feeling of dislocation and being chaotic. We are so distracted all the time by our ridiculous home lives that we cant really fully participate in life

IMO

I have been doing housework today and thinking about how stbxh doesnt/ wouldnt do any. But if he ever did, he would always expect me to be grateful for HELPING ME OUT-its his house and his family too??? And then if I ever asked him to do anything-like move his piles and piles and piles of crap belongings so that the front room was habitable for example, it would be 'his house, so he could leave his stuff where ever he wanted to'

He has no concept of SHARING. Its either mine or his

Hello all, joining you all as I've have finally accepted H has being abusive (thanks to my counsellor). Read one of the articles on the links at the top of the page today and guess what... he actually ticked a lot of the verbal and emotional abuse.

The one thing that I found very difficult is that he actually never did anything. The abuse was/is coming from him not doing things like telling me about his days, what he wants to do, what he has planned for the week end. Or refuse to talk about any subject I brought up such as how to deal with our dcs/parenting.
So... I struggled (and probably still am) with actually seeing it as abuse (nothing to 'show' for it). Unitl my counsellor actually told me 'it must have being painfull ', 'this behaviour is just as crippling as abuse' and finally 'Please don't do anything in a rush. You must protect yourself' (Said twice in a very imperative tone).She must have seen some red flags I am still not aware of

The one thing I am unconfortable about is that he actually made a lot of changes recently. So life could even be bareable iyswim. But deep down it still feels that it's just on the surface (and actually showed that to me about a month ago when he refused that I had the brakes of my car checked over 'as they were fine' - funnily enough the garage who looked at them didn't agree...).So still some doubts there but also a a feeling of being liberated (as I seem to have finally 'allowed' myself to start preparing this divorce)
So I am now concentrating not on the fact that his behaviour was/is abusive but on the fact I don't love him and that should be enough to warrant a divorce. Hopefully that will stop the guilt too.

Need to start preparing that divorce (sollicitor etc...) and have an idea of a plan for moving out. He could rent out and pay the CSA amount but whether he will be happy to do so is a different matter.

Oh and we go away on holiday camping in a week time. So looking forward to that. Not....

God that was long wasn't it?

bejeezus the reason why you didn't leave sooner is because you couldn't do it. Either you didn't see his nehaviour as his problem but yours, you might have had the hope thngs would change or just not feeling strong enough to do it all on your own.
However, I am sure you have done the best you could with what you had. And you also probably learnt quite a bit about what you want (or don't want) in the process. So no need ot feel guilty about it.

Your dcs will probably feel much better in a house with less tensions.

And if there is an issue with contact (as him not contacting) then you will know this is nothing to do with you. The best you can do now is to support them just as you would have done if they had, let's say being involved in a car accident. Supporting. listening but whatever happens isn't anything to do with you. does it make sense?

it really does make sense Peppa but knowing that is not going to stop the dcs from hurting

I have just come back from a short camping holiday with stbxh and dcs. Its was nice actually BUT it really pained me to see how happy the dcs were, knowing it was their last family holiday with me and dad together (I wrote on here about it). So hope yours goes well and good luck!

Do you think they are not hurting now?
Children are much better than us at 'living in the moment' so they will appreciate what they have, a good time when it is there (whereas we will probably worry that it will go away, not be the same next time or will never happen again). But it doesn't mean that they are not hurt at other times.

My dcs can be very happy looking. Smiling and full of energy.
But there is also this side where dc1 was telling me that 'when he cries, daddy makes him feel like he is an idiot'. Both of them get hurt by being told of for no reason. It has impacted on their self esteem, the same way that it has impacted on mine. :(

that last sentence Peppa just really hit home to me. DS saying "why does daddy tell me off all the time". Because it is. He criticises him all the day. He can't do anything right some days and its so inconsistent as the next day he's nice as pie to him. DS still at age 5 when H is home, drinks out of a lidded cup as he's so terrified of spilling. He drinks out of a normal cup with me. If he does spill H goes mental and calls him an idiot or stupid and I hate it.

I pick him up on it all the time and H will spend a couple of weeks being nice and then it slips back to how it was again.

I've told him that if he does nothing but criticise DS that he'll grow up thinking he's a twat. I've told him to stop shouting at him all the time. H's reaction is that if DS wasn't always doing stuff wrong then he wouldn't do it.

The worse thing is that he's not like that with DD and he openly praises how wonderful dd is in front of DS which is just shitty and then I feel like I have to leap in and defend DS. I feel like I spend all of my time defending DS.

And then he's lovely with them and I wonder whether I am overreacting again. I spent all of our last family holiday defending DS and had a huge row with H about it. Things like buying him an icecream, but then telling him off for spilling and making a mess. He was 4 FFS. Who cares if he was covered in icecream. I do the bloody washing anyway.

Telling him he ruins things, telling him he's doing it wrong, telling him he's careless or stupid or an idiot. My DS loves his daddy, but I need to get him out of this as its just so unfair on him.

Sorry, I'm not trying to turn this thread into all about me, but I feel like there's a crack in the dam and its all going to come out.

he's emotionally abusing our son and I'm letting him. I think I'm stopping it by defending DS or stepping in, but I'm not. Just by being there I'm allowing it.

Seriously, you over estimate the space an abusive man takes up in a family. Most of it's negative.

The kids'll be fine going on holidays without him, and YOU will be happier, more relaxed and they will enjoy their time with you more.

I know it's easily done, but using things like holidays as stumbling blocks is plain daft.

I don't know how it's done, but basically you have to accept the inevitable, that the relationship IS going to die, it ISN'T ever going to last and you WILL be the only parent in their lives.

Once you get there, you you will be stunned at how much easier everything is. It's not a mandatory thing to have holidays for example, they are always nice to have, and even kids know that.

Leaving or getting shot of abusive men is a NO LOSE situation, in every respect imaginable. Even loss of money in some cases is better than having the money because you are no longer beholden to a controlling, angry, jealous and spiteful person for money. It really is freedom from slavery.

plasticfork, there IS a nasty situation going on in your family, and you are now fully aware of it. What you have tried to do is resolve this situation as if you were negotiating with a normal, rational person.

Sadly you are not dealing with a normal rational person, you are dealing with an abuser. He is ENTITLED to treat all those around him as he sees fit, no matter who they are to him. This will never change. never. It'd be easier to strip women of the vote in this country than it would be to get him to give up his rights to cruelty towards those he wishes to hurt.

The fact that you are defending and protecting DS is good, but nothing can stop DS seeing WHY you are springing to his defence, he probably appreciates the kindness from you, but we all know it ought not to be happening in the first place.

we all know, you included, what you need to do, and you need to do it as soon as you possibly can.

Don't panic, plan it properly, but be absolutely laser-guided clinical with your need to amputate this gammy limb. don't deviate, don't allow yourself to be detoured, be intransigent. Think of your DS every single second until that man is out of your home/life. His behaviour is unforgivable.

plasticfork, take all the time, space and posts you need.

All of us, without exception have monopolised the thread at our most needy of times, your time is now, but it could be any one of us tomorrow.

We're all here for you. You can do this.

Yep Peppa you are right-dd1 particularly IS hurting.

As plastic fork describes he is always criticising dd1. He rarely shouts at her but I really noticed it on holiday (as normally he doesnt spend that much time with us). Its almost constant. He doesnt call her stupid or an idiot (or any horrid names) but EVERYTHING she does is wrong particularly if she is playing with dd2. Which makes me really cross because actually she is amazing with dd2 and is actually more help with her than he is ffs, at age 6!! He also compares her academically with her peers (she is dyslexic so this is extra out of order). AND DD2 is his clear favourite-he says things like 'when I leave I will take this one, but I dont want to deal with that one'.

He always says that I have RUINED her and I turn her against him. This is absolutely not true. Shes not stupid, she sees how he is. She steps in the middle of our arguements and tries to shoulder blame for whatever it is, so that we will stop

plastic fork

Who cares if he was covered in icecream. I do the bloody washing anyway

lol!-exactly!