Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

he's not going to follow 'ground rules'! He's not even following the laws of basic humanity/family! I stand by my comment to write him off, i'd say until he learns to behave, consistently and for a long time, but having seen a controlling, abusive and threatening man emerge from no-where seemingly, after over SIX years, as in the case of my BFF, I'd have to now say, forget it all, dump him without a second thought, if he really wants to prove he's a good guy, you running around after him, hanging on what HE'S thinking and doing, plotting and schemeing won't help.

Withdraw all contact, tell him that the person he is has no right to be in your life, until YOU decide otherwise.

Sorry, on phone, on gprs half way up a mountain, this thread takes forever to load, hence my scant appearance!

Back mid week, proper catch up then!

{waves to Hissy up her mountain}

i am having a home day today, having hared about all over N wales, today we'll not venture too far, if at all, away from 'home'. I am standing on the patch of grass in front of the cottage, looking at the fields in front . The farmer took the sheep out yesterday, and now we have half a dozen young cattle! Picturesque scene, isn't it?

I look at these young calves, and I think to myself how pointless it would be to try to negotiate with them, not to MOO loudly of a morning, not to crap everywhere they please, but then I remind myuself that they are doing what they do, nothing will make them do anything they don't want to do, nor stop them doing what they want.

Negotiating with an abusive male is just about the same thing, he's not suddenly going to see the light after all this time,after all your please, tears, pleading and beseeching! If ever he was likely to stop mistreating/controlling/bullying, He'd have stopped the FIRST time surely? He didn't, and now has literally no reason too... PLUS, it's not in his nature to be any different. So while I realise how defeatist that sounds, it's the truth, there's no point in trying to change him, either you live with it, or you don't.

Now you see that his behaviour is incompatible with your life/happiness/family growth and development, you only have the one option, and that is to exclude him from any controlling share of any part of your life, or that of your DC.

Dear Hissy, wave at those moo cows from me. Hope the weather is good.
You are right, right. Even my counsellor says he is "mad". We laughed at whether she should say that, but sod the diagnosis, that's the fact.

MO am definitely enjoying the headspace ... did stuff over the weekend with the DCs that was fun, chaotic, loud and messy with no looking at watch to see when to stop and worry about his needs or him exploding when it was time for whole family to start paying attention to him. Weird how we all muddle along together and somehow it all turns out ok in the end. With him around it was muddle along until he rained on everyone's parade.

Going mad. Going away on holidays as a family next week and dreading it. Really hating him. Really feeling trapped. Feeling really desperate. Stressed out and broke. All he does is snipe at me. Gaslight me in front of others and make remarks at me just to get me angry. Really depressed

How's this for a plan? (I used to do something like this as our family holidays were a nightmare).
If you have been to wherever you're going it's easier.
No expectations of what you will all do as a family, but go with the flow if whatever he suggests suits you.
Have an outline plan of what you and the DCs would like to do and break it down into mornings, afternoons, evenings ie beach till whenever, sight-seeing to x and y, morning at home. afternoon out, but keep it as lowkey as possible. Take a really good book or two to get stuck into after DCs bedtime.
Avoid the big trip to theme park or restaurant or whatever as that can be recipe for row, opportunity for him to blame you if things get stressful. Practice fogging techniques, breathing and counting to five or looking at horizon when he is winding you up, if you are wearing sunglasses it's easier as he can't see that you are looking just past his ear ...

snoopdog yay! success - I'm so glad it went well with SS.

thisis regarding loneliness and isolation - do you have any 'rituals'? I believe it's important to have social rituals, like regular monthly meetups with people, or a party planned on a certain date in the year, or a once a week phonecall to a certain person.

These things are so underestimated in modern Britain, yet they are extremely important. It won't mean you're socially busy, just that you have something to look forward to and plan for.

Bastard for taking away everything and everyone you held dear. I just love facebook for that. It's a complete upyours to anyone who tries that type of control trick.

Right, my turn. Getting through one day at a time. DP being OK, assuming status quo, everything's OK. I still can't bear him to touch me and I can feel him thinking 'I haven't done anything wrong so why?' but he does, all the time. Speaks to me like I'm a dog, moans about my driving, shifts things around in the house.

It's the constant questions that get to me. I say 'here's the bank statement', he says 'what bank statement?' - I used to go 'the one ... remember... you wanted to see...- and now I say NOTHING. He knows exactly what I mean, but everything I say he loads with complicated questions. But when I say NOTHING it stumps him every time. Kids look up, confused. What no argument? I feel them thinking. Then he fades into the hinterlands, back into the world that he can control.

Hi NS its going to be pretty stressful as it revolves around a certain theme park! I am actually already expecting the barking and biting and snapping. Reminding me of the last time we went away. Good idea on the book thing. We are all in one family room I think there could be murders. Its booked a long time and DCs looking forward to it so have to just go and make best of it.
Barbie, I am sort of in your position. Subconciously grinding my teeth just so that the rows don't start. Inside there is so much anger bottling up for him. Stbx has a habit of doing that too. Pretending like something never happened and that i'm absolutely off my rocker. I'll say something like Are you ready to go to XYZ house now. And he will reply "you never told me we were going there" or if he was supposed to do something in the house and didn't and I ask him why "YOU NEVER TOLD ME. STOP BEING SUCH A NAG. EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS JUST A NAG"
Thats his latest. I'm a nag. When he was sick recently I got him some medication in the pharmacy. He then went to bed while I took the DCS out to the cinema. When I came home he had a bottle of wine out. I said did he really think that was a good idea . I got "WHO ARE YOU MY MOTHER? YOU'RE SUCH A NAG" .
Then he denied having the bottle of wine in front of my best friend the other day. I said jokingly to her that he wasn't that sick he had a bottle of wine to which she laughed. He turned and said I was lying!! That I'd opened the wine and given it to him!!! I was mortified. He has started to challenge me a lot in front of my friends as if he has to come off this good guy or something and make me out to be crazy. Its like he knows deep down I'm through so he's trying to do damage before he goes.
Can't win.

Dear BF, ok divide and separate the kids ... is one that really likes going with him sometimes? Or just busy yourself indulging the kids (within reason).
Moment kids have settled down, disappear into bathroom with said book and lots of bubble bath stay till he's fast asleep. Or let him wallow in bath and you fall asleep or get several chapters of wonderful book read. Have you tried deep breathing five huge breaths before you engage. And try reciting a kind of mantra to yourself - 'although he is winding me up, I will not respond as I am worth more than this'. To be done in bathroom silently at regular intervals. Then stick the smile on your lips along with the lippy and practice fogging, broken record, tactical agreement.

bf - I like the idea of ns's sunglasses to hide the blank expression on your face.

Some time ago we agreed that we would be 'in charge' at different times when we were on holiday. Either him or me, I did the morning (so there was no excuse for not getting up and dressed etc), he did the evening with a handover in mid afternoon. I had to get him to agree that he needs to pretend for the dcs sake that he is enjoying it or he shouldn't come with us. It kind of worked well for both of us to let go and let the other make the choices and take the responsibility for the choices they made. He's an undermining bastard at the best of times and this arrangement meant that undermining couldn't happen. It was interesting.

ns x posted - what's tactical agreement? Sounds like an international peacekeping kind of thing.

Another thing - take charge of the video camera. Do a bit of candid recording of shite behaviour.

Tactical agreement is basically agreeing the small stuff (even if you don't) so that he doesn't have excuse for big row. Basically detach, sidestep and defeat his attempts to do anything to wind you up

... otherwise known as "Yes, dear"

I missed the bit about fogging . Whats that?
Good tactics though. What I was planning to do anyway. My blood pressure must be sky high today. I put the water on for a shower earlier as our electric shower is broken and stbx couldn't seem to give a toss about getting it fixed or getting a new one. He is so crap/lazy at diy .

Anyway. He didn't get up till 11.30 and I came upstairs to discover he was "taking the DCs to the shops" and had used ALL the hot water to wash himself. A bath full I'd had stored this morning! Enough for him as well yes, if he hadn't just left the hot tap running while he shaved. Then he said he'd turn it back on and he didn't! So now I've to go to an appointment at 4pm and the water will never have reheated by then and all he could say is " oh you just nagging me is that it" He is such an A$$$$$$$ earlier it was "you can take DC to the f-ing apt yourself" because I apparently "nagged" him about something else. Thats all he can say lately. That I nag. That I'm a bitch. That I clearly want to be with other men. No I don't want to be with other men. I want to actually be free of men at this stage and maybe I'm just fed up with his sh1t and I'm not taking it anymore and if that means I am a certified b1tch then well good!
Oh another gem from today. He bumbled a bank transfer to our "holiday account" and sent it somewhere else. Apparently it was MY FAULT because I "nagged" him so he did it wrong.I wasn't even near him. I had just asked him to transfer money so it wasnt spent. Now we are 100 down until he gets it back. IF he gets it back.
I will be done for murder. I am like a possessed woman.

Breathe, BF! Nice ... and ... slow ... :)

It's completely understandable that you're angry (nay, FUMING) about the hot water, the random arrangements, the insults and the holiday money. Completely. But you're not helping yourself; you're locking yourself in a reactive state of impotent rage, which is exactly where he wants you.

Your problem is that you're still expecting him to behave, think, respond, like a normal, rational human being. He can't. He isn't one. It's a vast waste of your energy to keep expecting the impossible.

I hope this is making some sense to you? Here are the posts, further upthread, about fogging (five or six posts.)

Now, please, get yourself into a place of serene detachment!

God he sounds such an arsehole. YOUR fault indeed.

Thanks garlicbutter you're like one of those little self help books
I have calmed. I've been tired. My illness has been playing up and its left me a bit zonked. My DCs were out earlier and I went up to bed and read St Lundy of Bancroft underlining relevant bits as I went along. Somehow that was also very therapeutic. Especially putting in my own comments in the margins. Sort of like twat bingo really. I am going to have a look at those comments you linked me too.

How is everyone else tonight? Hope you are having a lovely time Hissy Bandwithering hi there how are you? I found the bold button!

Help. l'll blow my cover if I say too much ... but safe to say that my equilibrium (shaky at best) has been much disturbed by fuckwit and the OW separately getting in contact with me because stuff that fuckwit set in motion he is now backing away from. I am standing firm on thinking what I think but not responding. I want to scream, I want to rage, I want to cry. There are some very strong things I want to say but basically I want them both to buy a ticket to the far side of f* and get out of both mine and the DCs lives. Where's the uncontrollable tears of anger emoticon??

I have rheumatoid arthritis. I noticed it got better last year when he wasn't here. Funny, it's doing it again! I know that living with this kind of stress is incredibly bad for the body. Somatic experience...I started looking into it, as well as Louise Hay stuff. Very interesting abd another reason to get away from these dementors.

Barbie, Facebook and mumsnet are two of his pet hates. DD told me yesterday (these nuggets are starting to come out now) that when I left the hotel room, he told them I would be going to go on mumsnet and getting really drunk....the two go together you know! Little did he know I was drinking tea and talking to the police.

Facebook has me back in touch with so many people, and so many new people, which is why he hates it so much, although for a while when he was in therapy, he was on it too, as my husband. That shouldn't be a big deal should it, I REALLY don't understand the isolation thing....but he isolates himself too. I can't stand it. It's not normal. I am going out today, with the kids to see a friend in the town where I grew up. I know the best places for Pooh sticks. She is going to buy us lunch.

I set my sound equipment up yesterday, for the first time in over seven years. It was a really big deal emotionally,I almost felt guilty...I'll have to ponder that one. The next is to make some noise, which is causing a melt down in my head. I've been invisisble for so long. It's as though I don't deserve to be heard, which is terrible.

My "yes dear" phrase was..."I don't know what that means" It seemed to stop him in his tracks and force an explanation of the weird stuff...All welcome to try it out ...report back please!

Notsorted hang in there. Eventuallyl the communication dies down. It's a very hard phase in the tactic though! you feel more doormatty than you've ever felt before. But just stay quiet.

It's the only way to get out of the cycle of you defending yourself against TWO people now. You are right to ignore them.

The only thing I ever did since I left him (and that includes several well-reasoned, logical, mature letters where I avoided any criticism but appealed to his good nature [ha!] that penetrated his forcefield at all was to cut him off and stop communicating with him at all.

That has hurt his delicate sensibilities the poor wee thing. He is confused. Why won't I talk to him!? He actually asked my mother this.

Notsorted, stayfirm, you will get there. You can't win by communicating with these guys but there is some small victory in beign the ONE who chose to cease all communication.

Dear BW I don't know how to do it, but can I PM you? If I say too much here it'll make my identity clear. The real problem with the no contact is the DCs. I've stopped it because of various things so standing firm also means saying no to contact with them unless there is sign that he deals with x and y. Thought there was movement there, but what I get instead is the poor me victim stuff

Hi Thisis stbx also hates me on FB for the same reason. He doesn;t know about mn yet. Anytime I'm on FB he comments that I am obviously talking about how bad he is to people and how disloyal I am. He is always making snide remarks about the amount of friends I have or any male friend that happens to post a "hello" on my page. He doesn't have any friends as it happens and so also isolates himself. In the last few months I've sort of ripped myself out of isolation and I think that has escalated things because he resents my need to breakfree (ha) I see my friends once a week at least but I need more than that. Its a bit like a drug!
I totally agree with stress playing a major part in excaberating any illness. Even if you're not suffering with an existing illness the stress will eventually just make you sick. At the moment I'm sick most of the time unfortunately. Hard to explain to people why I'm sick from stress and my illness. Or that the stress is making the illness worse.

Notsorted. I agree with Bandwithering. Its tough but stay firm. Keep your chin up and your pride intact. Sending a big your way.

Dear BF, go for two nights out ... and facebook. Every bit of good communication cancels out some of the bad. There are people in your life who you can be joyful and happy with.
Stress is absolute killer. Weird how my job seems such a doddle and even the DCs holiday boredom windups seem oh so easy.
Sick feeling in stomach and appalling aches in neck and shoulders, waking up like I'd done 10 rounds must have been because when I was asleep I was still trying to process all the s* that he'd created.
And Thisis great that you are creating a space and some noise for yourself. Go girl. Create sound, project you out into the world, at some point I guess we all work out how much space and noise a normal person should take up ... not some cowering shadow in the corner, and not some enormous inflated ego pushing everyone else out of the way but sufficient space to be ourselves.