Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

i generally dont no what to do anymore im so upset all the time but i dont no how to get out of this relationship because of my son he means everything to me and couldnt live without him im hurting so bad i crying this moment i cant talk to any1 about this and when i try and talk to his mum is o u 2 are as bad as eachother but she doesnt see half of it and when he tells her about an argument he will twist the story completly i just cant do this no more i have noboby but my son im onli 19 years old and its just soo hard
i dont have a fone but have intrenet access the phone is with him and his out with everything

God, booboo, that's awful! Poor you.

Have you got any Skype credit? You could use that to call Women's Aid. If not, can you call them while you're out with baby during the day?

How many people do you know nearby - any friendly neighbours?

no i have nothing literally and i can onli used the fone while he is in the house sometimes he leaves it when he goes to work but onli if we havent had an arguement really and i no people near by but i cant talk to them i really cant it will cause biiiiig problems and i dont no i just need help i need money somewhere to stay and and need some legal advice because i dont want my son not living with me until i no i have a place to stay and i will not get my son taken off me i cant leave i have to stay

Dear Booboo do you still have contact with the health visitors? Can you go to the GP or a mother and baby clinic and say you'd like to talk to one of the HVs? If you are worried about a home visit because of him and his mother, then just turn make an emergency appointment at the GPs tomorrow. Explain about not having a phone etc that you want to contact WA, think of what could help you ie get out of this horrible situation, get some support from professionals, get some counselling. No idea where you live but you can ask if WA have any counselling or support etc. Don't minimise the problem, say you are in crisis, which you are. You are being isolated by them and that is making it worse. Keep posting, we are all here to support you. (((Hugs)))

yeah but what happens from there i cant leave until i no i will have my son 100% and he is the sort of person to take me to court i dunno what to do my heads all over the place i just want what best for my son and me and that living without him

worst thing is i cant open a bank account until a renew my passport for id so all the benifets go in his account

If you talk to Women's Aid they should be able to get you and DS out of there and to somewhere safe, Booboo. They will help you sort out your finances, do benefit claims and so on. Nobody's going to take your son off you. If he says they will, he's lying.

Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247. Here's their website: www.womensaid.org.uk/
You can also ring Refuge; their number is 0808 2000 247. Website: refuge.org.uk/

How about making a doctor's appointment for DS, then phoning the helplines while you're out? You should really tell your GP what's going on at home, for both yours and baby's sake.

why should i tell the doctor about whats happening at home how will it help and i no they will help me with all that but i dont have a bank account to do any of that

Refuge/Womens Aid are used to dealing with victims who don't have access to money. Your doctor needs to know for two reasons: it impacts on yours & DS's health circumstances, and you can ask to use their phone to ring the helplines!

I don't know what you can do about your child benefit and the bank account. But, if you get rescued by Women's Aid, they will sort all that for you.

Booboo , I went to the surgery last week and they saw me immediately, they made the phone call for me, they even made me tea. They can be your lifeline. Please go tomorrow.

It has been made patently clear to me that staying in an abusive relationship is child abuse. I tell you, that woke me up! They can help you so much, please go. x

Garlic, thing is, he keeps people at arms length in his life too. People, his people, get really frustrated that he won't let anyone near. Well I can't live like that, and it is a shit role model for my kids. We have been invited to many things, and we NEVER go. I hate it. If he goes anywhere by himself, he'll only stay for twenty minutes or so. Always been like that, even before we were together.

I spoke to one of his friends last week, and said, you know nothing about him do you, she was shocked to admit that no she didn't, but was able to verify the substance of some of his circumstances.

Princess Bluebell is here, she has kind of morphed into a fairy Godmother, and makes me feel safe by wrapping her giant sparkly wings around me.

By the way, he has taken my Bradshaw book.

booboo, do please talk to your hv. The day before I left my x I talked to my hv. My head was all over the place. I hadn't planned to do it, talk to her I mean. It just came pouring out. I would speak to women's aid as well. I'm outraged on your behalf that your money is going in to his bank account. That is financial abuse. Clear and simple. They will be in no doubt about that. And that's before you even mention the emotional abuse.

ps, Boohoo, the reasons it will help

1. it is a permenent record that corroborates your side of events (in the unlikely event of your ever needing corroboration.
2. a problem shared is not really a problem halved but it will make you feel better. You will see his treatment of you through other people's eyes and it will bolster your determination to expect more out of life.
3. they will link you up with practical help
4. it's good to allow yourself to be cared for. You need to be cared for right now. You need to have somebody listen to your story and thinking 'jesus fucking christ that is horrendous you poor poor thing'. sorry for getting steamed up there!!!!

ps2, and 5) it's like a valve on a pressure cooker. If you think you are going crazy from holding it all in, holding it all together, talking to a person who cares and who is in a position to be able to help you, it is such a massive release of pressure.

ps3, my x's mum was the same. She saw the bruises, the finger-shaped bruises he'd left on my cheek from putting his hand over my mouth to shut me up.... and she said something about my histrionics. Excuse me?! I was being a drama queen to object apparently. And the irony is, she left his dad because he was a controlling bully.

If my son ever treats a woman like his father treated me and like his grandfather treated his grandmother, I will not standby and say 'oh six of one and half a dozen of the other'.

BUT I'm as confident as I can be that my son won't behave like that. Because he rarely sees his father, and he sees my father being nice to my mother. That is the only couple relationship he sees.

@ thisishowifeel good for you. glad you have told your hv. my x was weird socially as well. The effort of lying to people about why he wouldn't come with me anywhere was exhausting. my friends used to invite me (and him) to various christenings, weddinngs, parties. but if it was not possible to get there on public transport I had to come up with a plausible reason why i couldn't make it. Not 'he won't drive me and he won't come'. That would have been so embarrassing to admit.

Dear Booboo,
go to the GP, HV. It shows you are putting your DC first, which is what you are doing by asking here for help. We can all support you via this thread, listen to what you are saying, give our own experineces but the GP, HV and WA can actually move things for you. Don't worry about what you don't have ... that can all come into place later. But when you go out tomorrow take some ID - your old passport still counts, your DCs birth certificate/Red book, your NI number and anything that you think will help. Look on WA website for preparing to go there is a checklist ... and don't worry this is your first step on the way to a better, happier life for you and your DC.

Popping in for an update. SW went really well yesterday, she was open and engaged, came up with practical ideas. Very quickly identified the major cause of the problems between me and ex related to access. Really feel like we got a huge way forward. Can't really put any details as it might identify me. However, feel massively relieved and wanted to say thank you for support on Friday night x

Good, snoop! Well done :) Glad you feel safer now.

Booboo, hope you're OK when you next see this. Notsorted's advice, just above, is good. x

Hello everyone - not been around as much as have been posting on the "Am I a narc" thread - poor woman thinks SHE is the abuser

Booboo whereabouts are you? Can someone call Women's Aid on your behalf? He shouldn't be leaving you without a phone, what if there was an emergency?

You CAN get out, many of us have done it, please get help.

Can I ask I question? Having psyched myself up to at least try mediation - see earlier ditherings here - himself is, according to mutual friend, not sure that he can cope???

The new stronger notsorted says: "well you started all this crap by not seeing consequences of your actions, starting all this legal stuff when I was in a vulnerable position (cos of something I can't mention here), now when it turns out that alloted legal aid has run out and you might have to pay for advice, it's all off."
He hasn't seen DCs since it all kicked off because of various isshoos that my sol said were troubling, plus history of abuse. He refuses to do anything except feel sorry for himself, all denial, no attempt to do anything at all and it's still all about him and not the DCs. I think somehow we have to sort ground rules, but Hissy said that is pie in the sky with an abuser. I'm getting stronger and don't want to engage in case it pulls me down again, then again don't know what to do re the DCs. Still thinking it's time out for all concerned at the mo.
Is that ok?. What to do???

You are correct. Dont engage. If he hasnt seen the DC's that is HIS problem. The distance is working for you right now, so keep it up. There is plenty of time to work these things out. For now - enjoy the headspace!