Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

I have been looking through my old journals. This time last year I was thinking the same things, going through the same shit and had decided to leave. Not much has changed, he still hasn't made any attempts to make amends. I read a post by jasper on another thread which basically said that it is sometimes better to just end it because it's the end, rather than look into the reasons why it is ending. I know I have been doing just that for a long time with my sort-it-out-so-it-doesn't-happen-again mantra, but I have now gone in the direction of the oh-fuck-it-let's-just-move-on one. It is possible that the one precedes the other. It is also possible that he is about to lose his job and I know it's now or never (he will be free to roam and have what he wants).

So I decided to write DP his dear john letter. Reading it back it makes perfect sense, it is reasonable, it does not mention EA or what I think he is doing or not doing, just general facts and that I want him to be happy.

I have written a list of priorities (children, education, my health, his happiness, my happiness) in that order and how I think things should be arranged to benefit these in that order. I have written a bit about the things he does that make me feel he doesn't really want me around. I want main care of the kids, I want to stay in the house for a year, I want him to have alternative accommodation arranged by the end of the school holidays and I want him to move out in October.

We are not married and I have zero rights. I don't know how he will react. There is a DV centre just round the corner that have a dropin to if the shit hits the fan.

Give me strength please ladies. Now should I do it now before he has his leave next week or should I wait til that's over? Or am I just trying to weasel out of making this decision AGAIN?

We are going away but would he want to stay and then pack up his things and would that be the best? I really don't want to see a solicitor unless it's essential cos it would just hold us up.

Do it Barbie! {shakes pompoms}
We will be here

You letter sounds very correct :) Well done! Don't weasel!!
You've composed your work of art, now present it to your intended audience.
Go for it!

Well done Barbie.

The only thing I'd say would be, don't be drawn into further clarification of your letter. If, no when he challenges it, give him less information rather than more. Don't set your self up for being on trial.

So if he tells you your priorities have been ordered wrong or that you are in fact WRONG to feel x, y or z, don't elaborate at all.

Do the opposite. Say "I am very unhappy, I want to end this". If you challenges you more say "I want to end this, I'm very unhappy". ONLY say what CAN'T be argued with. these guys will argue with your own feelings! but make it hard for them!

notsorted I sent you a pm so if you look in your in box at the top of the screen you should see that your envelope has turned YELLOW. It goes yellow when there's a message in it.

do you see the thick pale blue line above the poster's message? on the far right it says 'Add message'|Report|Message poster

Click on message poster and a box comes up with that poster's name already in the send to box.

Thanks guys, bandw I have had plenty of practice now disengaging from the BS. I have printed 2 copies of the letter - b*start printer ran out of ink - won't read anything into that - but I refilled the cartridge like the independent and strong woman that I am.

Good!

He may never really GET why you left/ended things though. My x can't believe that I saw fit to believe a life away from him would be better!

I think you're right, he's not aware of his behaviour, and doesn't want to be. He's always been a bit 'autistic'. He'll be fine. He'll revert to single man mode - he will be free to be who he really wants to be. Being part of a family that needs him just doesn't compute with him.

He got to chapter 1 of the Beverly Engel book, used it to accuse me of abusive behaviour, and then stopped - didn't go any further. He's had it for 8 weeks. I arranged for him to see a male counsellor - he didn't go. Those two were my last chance options. He has shown me that he really doesn't want to do anything to make our relationship better.

And now I know how to fill up the printer cartridge, have my own laptop and software and top-level AA membership for when the car goes wrong - I'm off!

:) :) Ooh, you sound good, barbie! Good to go, even

I like that you've found compassion for his pov - his actions demonstrate that he's more interested in having his world the way he wants it, rather than sharing it equally with a family group. Simply not a team player, really.

While I don't think you need to define his own wants & wishes for him, it's very helpful for you to know that what you're doing is wisest for everyone.

Right garlic, I'm not weaseling but I've been told not to give letter until after I've had an appointment tomorrow with local DV organisation. Feel sick at the thought. I wish he had just had an affair. But I will go.

Go GO, and go to appointment I mean.

OK, good! The more information you have, and the more outcomes you're prepared for, the better. Please don't be scared of your appointment: it's additional preparation. Wisdom needs knowledge :)

I wish I hadn't had a prawn sandwich for lunch. Apart from nausea I dont feel much.

Most people need expensive drugs for that! Could prawns be nature's answer to antidepressants?

I'm not depressed, I'm just extremely **ed off for having someone make my life hell for the past xxx million years.

You're good to go Barbie, as they say!

I've managed without my x for over four years now. Heaven only knows how

And in all seriousness, I believe that my x is on the autistic spectrum. I think he is extremely high functioning and so it was never diagnosed, never supported, never understood. I never make excuses for him and this isn't an excuse, but I do think if something turned him into the character he became (totally and utterly self-absorbed and selfish with a huge sense of entitlement and no empathy and a total lack of ability to see anybody else's POV, and a refusal to compromise ever ) then perhaps it was that.........

Bandwithering, you describe my ex to a T and I also used to and still do suspect he is on the autistic spectrum.

barbiegrows I'm a lurker of these threads but delurking to give you some encouragement. Life on the other side is bloody wonderful! You've served your time so come and join those of us who are now free!

.... and I'm back... although having driven for 4.5 hours straight, I can barely see straight anymore, so may reserve lurking rights....

Dear Barbie,
best of luck for appt. You've got your letter, you've got set, so go in your own time, I mean set things in motion rather than leg it out the door.
And be prepared for being knackered. If you are anything like me or anyone else in abusive situation there has been a lot of adrenaline flying around which keeps you alert and ready for the next bit of nastiness. It takes a while to get back to normal levels or something approaching normal and then tiredness comes in. Glass of wine, chocolate, bath ... be kind to yourself

barbie, best of luck with the appt, well done you!
Too bloody exhausted to post atm

wow barbie, I'm impressed how you're taking control of your life. You're moving onwards much faster than me.

I'm thinking of actively provoking a crisis by doing something that H doesn't want me to do, and which I've always accepted "for a quiet life", so that he'll throw one of his abusive tantrums...and I (and the dc's) can just bugger off. I would lay all my plans first of course.

The logic behind this is that when you're in the cycle of abuse - you never quite know when the next "crisis" is going to happen do you? It always, even after all this time, takes you by surprise. And, as ever, you find yourself unprepared for it and you can't act. And I can never leave when we're in the peaceful part of the cycle...I'm always too busy, too tired, and even still-bloody-thinking "maybe it's not that bad?".

So how about I deliberately provoke him into showing his worst?

Am I nuts?

Maybe I should go to bed.

Take care all of you.

No seriously, you are not nuts. I guess the thing to do is get prepared and then wait for the abuse to happen, cos you and I know it will.

Seriouslynow, I totally understand where you are coming from, been there myself but you know, you have all the reasons you need right now to leave, without having to provoke him. You don't need him to give you another excuse, you don't need his permission, you can take back control of your own life and leave simply because you are having such thoughts. Leave before you ever have to see him at his worst again.

Seriouslynow don't do that, or his script will always be that you were unreasonable, you were hyterical, you flounced off on a whim, you are impetuous....

I'd say condense the reasons you want to leave right down until you have it in under three sentences, 3 sentences that can't be argued with. Don't refer to specific instances as examples of why you want to leave as he will just ARGUE with your interpretation of them, and tell you that you have interpreted that even WRONG.

I agree with Barbie. Brace yourself for the abuse you know will happen when you announce that the relationship is over. There will be more than enough outrage and indignation on his part without making such an important announcement in the middle of an argument about something else.

But my advice would be to announce that it's over and why in under three sentences when things are relatively calm.

But if he is violent (as my x was) then my advice would be totally different. It'd be take your important things and go and then and only then when you're safe let him know that it's over.

TimeForMeIsFree - yeah agree with that. Leave before you ever have to see him at his worst again.

Although the knowledge that you're leaving them does tend to bring out the worst in them!!

Seriously, I never provoked an outburst but I did sometimes ask things that I knew he would chose to do or not do depending what kind of mood he was in. Even something simple like texting him to get something on the way home - milk or whatever. I could work out his mood and attitude to me depending on whether he could be bothered.
Mmm, provoking something might lead to another cycle of bad/good. Going on your own terms gives you control over your decision. Don't worry he'll kick off in the aftermath. But prepare, go at your speed and when it suits.