Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

That sounds like a terrible idea!

I woudn't bother. Just don't contact him at all.

Ha no!

I also very much like YOUR phrase -

'He definitely seemed to want to have me around to mistreat'

YES YES YES.

That is basically IT in a nutshell.

That is the BASIS of 99% of nasty, abusive relationships.

And your reply:

'I don't understand that mentality - why bother?'

• is kind of the reason why nice people like you so often end up in these kind of relationships. Because YOU are nice and normal, you find it pretty hard to understand that some people are, indeed - as you say - just twisted.

You have had the misfortune to meet a jumped-up little would-be abuser. He likes the idea of having a person he can look down on, and to him, you with your less than perfect (in his eyes) 'life CV' was the ideal choice. So he's started busily working away on you. But you're not stupid or ground down enough to accept it. Hence all this discussion, and your uneasiness, and his strange mix of trying to pull you in (because he DESPERATELY wants this relationship) and pushing you off (because the point of this relationship, to him, is to have someone around that he can treat with disdain. That's what he wants and likes. )

So glad he is history!

Can you imagone if you had children with a man like this? How much would he tolerate you sitting with your feet up while on maternity leave, not going to work? He sounds an arse,.

That is the absolute mindset of men like him: they desperately want a 'relationship' but it's got to be with a woman who 'knows her place' ie is broken and submissive. He hates women. He doesn't consider them human. Even if he is solvent and in a professional career, deep down he considers himself a failure and he';s bitter about it, so he wants to be able to own and control and dominate another person to make himself feel better.
Honestly, dump him, cut all contact, if he won't go away, take legal action. He is actually dangerous.

Just reread whole thread. OK so you grew up with controlling bullies, so on some level you feel that you a) deserve to be bullied and b) if you just try hard enough there is some sort of magic trick you can do to make a bully realise you are wonderful and stop bullying you.
There isn't. Bullies mistreat other people because they want to. Yes, sometimes they have suffered horrors of their own and passing the pain along makes them feel better, but that still doesn't mean other people have to put up with it.
Also, please please bear in mind that being single is fine, it's great, it;s not a crime and it is infinitely better than spending time with a shitbag who gets off on making you cry.

SGB that is exactly it! He is solvent and in a professional career but he has admitted that he could be considered a failure professionally for not having risen higher; he is bitter that he hasn't found a relationship yet (oh the irony) and has had to buy a house and do it up on his own, and he is bitter at the way his mother has treated him.

He is now bitter that he has worked so hard all his life, whereas he should have messed around and spent all his money so that we could start on an equal footing, because "he really likes me".

no matter how hard I tried to explain my life, why I've done what I've done and why I'm different now (18 months ago I quit my job which was getting me very low and started seeing a counsellor, which has made an incredible difference in tackling these self destructive issues that I had), he comes back with "But I want an equal partnership, and I want someone who will bring 50/50 (financially) to the relationship"

'...he has been hurt in the past and now looks to actions rather than words to prove that someone is who they say they/has changed. I respect this, but that begs the question how long does it take before he could trust me?' --
this is how he is playing you. He knows your past. You can do nothing about it. He is making you grovel and try to explain yourself. He feels powerful when you do that, when he sees you trying to make him show a sign that you are acceptable to him, forgiven.

He goes on to hold out the possibility to you that one day you will finally make the grade ('...he said that the proof that he has an open mind was in the fact that he was still talking to me, and didn't just say "goodbye" when he found out my past.')

He has in that one phone conversation put you down and told you you are not good enough and then held out the bait for you to take, to keep on trying to be good enough for him, in hopes that you might be able to change his 'open' mind. He is playing you

'I think the thing for me is that I often feel like I don't deserve to be treated with respect and value, or dignity. This is a bigger issue for me if I'm honest, and I saw it clear as a bell this afternoon. ' Please talk about this with your counsellor.

And please read SGB's last three posts. Brilliant summing up and advice.
'Send this man a message saying 'Actually, I've decided that you're not good enough for me. Do not ever contact me again.'

Teacup use this clarity and understanding to keep this man the fuck away from you. You can't help him. You can't make him into a nice, happy, lovable human being because he doesn't want to be one. He WANTS to be a bully with a partner he can kick around and despise. It's not your job to contain and manage his cruelty, YOU deserve better.

I mean the clarity and understanding you display on the thread. There are plenty of men out there who are not knobs, don't waste another second of your time, another microgramme of your energy on this knob.

Good god, the poor man is getting slaughtered here. To be honest, if I went on a first date with a person who told me he/she did coke at one point as an adult and wasn't as financially responsible / in the same place as me at 40, there wouldn't be a second date as we just wouldn't be compatible.

Sounds like this man doesn't think you two are compatible, but is attracted to you, and is conflicted about it. Ok, he's "interviewing" style leaves a bad taste in your mouth. But hey, sounds like you've got your own baggage and I don't think he deserves the bashing he's receiving on here.

Ok disregard my earlier post...i didn't realize the thread continued and I haven't read a lot of the later stuff. Apologies,

Pchip: but that's just it. Any normal person after one or two dates with someone who they, for whatever reason, couldn't respect would - like you - walk away.
What is under discussion is why this man is apparently so keen on them being together to the point of talking houses and kids after only 7 weeks of dating, yet at the same time keeps telling her what he thinks is wrong with her, including things that she can't change. That isn't personal conflict, it is a form of power play.

ah..okay, cross-post

Hi BeatenByAYellowTeacup,
I hope you are having a nice holiday in spite of your toxic family. Carve out some 'me' time just for yourself.

I wanted to clarify a bit what I said about you revealing too much about your past. With this fellow, it wouldn't have mattered. He would have manufactured faults (as you can read about on other threads) for you had you not supplied them.

Thinking more about it, imho, you did yourself a favor in telling him at the start because it did reveal his character sooner rather than later, and thankfully before it was 'too late'r.

But in the future, consider that if these behaviors no longer apply to you, then they might as well be laid to rest in the past and leave them there. You don't owe anyone a full accounting of every minute of your life and if someone is insisting...red flag.

If it is an uncontrollable urge to sabotage yourself...supply the stick for others to beat you with-which is comforting because then you know what is coming...then try to get some counselling to resolve that.

You have had enough negativity in your life. I don't mean from your choices when you were younger. I mean from your toxic family of origin and now this experience. I hope you can let that fact help your resolve in shielding yourself from any further contact with this man.

SGB is right about there are worse things than being 'alone'. Also, I believe there is a huge difference in being 'alone' and being 'lonely'.

Thanks SGB and Teachmyself - I nearly cried when I read your last post Teachmyself, it was so kind. I think you are right. It isn't any of my life anymore and I really don't need to beat myself up with it and 'confess; to any future partner - just move on.

I'm really grateful to everyone who helped me on this thread

all round, cheers!

Just wanted to add: I've sent him an email saying "Actually, I've decided you're not good enough for me. Please do not ever contact me again."

Nice wording, there - thanks

Well done. Don't not engage with him if he emails you back. He may try to provoke a response out of you. Vent here; do not email back!

Don't not Do not

Oh, hurrah! It's true, you know. You're worth so much better :)

I really hope that's the last of him in your life. Well done!

Oh well done! That's brilliant. He may well try to contact you of course, but ignore all his attempts, do not engage, and if he gets threatening or troublesome, report him to the police. They will kick his arse because he's a copper and his behaviour reflects badly on the police as a whole...

Well done. Brilliant wording. You now deserve some peace and quiet from all this anxiety.....