Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).
   

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

It's your life Teacup. You, after all, know this man better than randoms on the Interweb do. Just go carefully, and read a few of those links about ways to detect a loser or an abuser - they do give themselves away repeatedly. Remember that the time to dump a man for worrying behaviour is when you're just a bit worried but you still have your own home, your own money and no DC to tie you to him forever.

[AnyFucker]

...and you still have some self-esteem left...

[AnyFucker]

watch him very carefully, teacup

have you seen the "how to spot a loser" info ?

[Jacksmania]

Of course we're not going to flame you. There may be a lot of "leave the bastard" :o on here, but the bottom line is we have your best interests at heart - while realizing that it is your life and we can't see all the situation. Do take good care, and update if you want to. Personally, I'm keeping this thread on my "watch" list because I want to see how you get on.
You've got a nice long break coming up, and you can go away for the summer and think about things, and see where your head is when you get back.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Ah thanks all. I really appreciate it. I'm leaving on Thursday so it's going to be a perfect chance to sort it out...probably I'll be bored of him come end August?! Who knows. (and I'll be around on MN during summer anyway methinks).

I'm really conscious of the signs of a loser, having been dusted with quite a few over the last year. So he's not getting away with squat! I'm just not sure yet, and I never want to wonder "what if".

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Hi Beatenbyayellowteacup,
I've read your thread and have been thinking about you for the past few days. This is an excellent thread to demonstrate how relationships with some (not saying your potential dp) are like walking on quicksand-looks normal, feels not quite right, hmm...., oh crap-too late!

I have not read the loser or spotting an abuser info lately so I may be repeating...
In my experience, when I let a fellow know he'd gone too far with this behavior, he'd turn into the most agreeable, personable, charming and attentive companion you could imagine. "Mr. PERFECT"
Trouble is this would only last 3 weeks. Really, I could time pretty much when the next insult would come. And then the stakes have been raised because I was now due 'payback' for 'making' him 'be nice'.

Or the awww...the cute little boy-ear on his shoulder/puppy eyes-act. Ha! I told him flat out that act would not work on me and guess what-he didn't try it again. It still took me 3-1/2 years to scrape him off.

Just be aware, as the others have suggested. If your heart feels stabbed -even just 'a little' or things don't quite add up, please pay attention to it. That is the real truth speaking. Verbal niceties are great to hear, but in the overall picture it is really just lip service. Actions and your feelings speak louder than words.

[mathanxiety]

You are relieved that he seems to have managed out of the goodness of his heart to say the coke and money thing is not that big a deal?

He has done a number on you.

Do you play poker at all? Do you know how to play it? He has all the chips. Yours and his both.

So you are delighted and relieved that he was nice when you did him the favour of introducing him to your relative? Now he knows he is 'in' and he will gradually raise the ante again, so you will be grateful for whatever crumb of forgiveness or acceptance he throws your way (taking control of all the chips again).

Why did you not merely accept his "magnanimous" gesture about the coke and money but try so desperately to reel him back in that you introduced him to a family member? He knows this is a big thing. He knows he can treat you pretty much as he pleases and you will respond by trying harder and harder.

'He's not getting away with squat!' He is getting away with everything. You have told him everything he needs to know about yourself -- that you are desperate and will put up with any sort of disrespectful treatment from him, that you have no boundaries, that you are afraid of confrontation. You are essentially going through this relationship like a supplicant at his throne.

You are fooling yourself when you say nonchalantly that you are probably going to get bored with him and the whole thing will fizzle out. Truth is you are becoming trapped. You are not in control here.

You don't have to try to be good enough for a man. It should be the other way round. You should expect him to be doing the trying. 'I don't know that he think he thinks I'm the best thing ever...I don't think he thinks otherwise either, but he doesn't trust people easily. And I think he's a bit judgemental, which is one of the things I challenged him on.' You are being sucked in here and you are possibly starting to hope that you will be The One who finally breaks through his defences. There is no woman who is that special for this man, including you. Stop trying

Please use your time while away to read "When Love Goes Wrong" by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel (maybe especially this one).

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Excellent post MathAnxiety.

Beatenbyayellowteacup,
I am sorry but I am not feeling confident about your circumstances with this bloke.

I think Math is right. The money/coke issues are now tools with which he will use to manage you. He made a big deal about it that rocked your boat (or you wouldn't have thought you were a red flag). Suddenly it is no big deal, but only when he clearly sees that he has tipped his hand a little too far and you are ready to exit. (He obviously has experience in the exit scene to see it coming.)

I predict that you have not heard the last of the money/coke issue. Out of the blue, he will whip this whip out and whip you with it to win an argument, make a point, or manufacture some superiority supply at your expense.

Perhaps you told him too much, or too much too soon. I said some things in the above mentioned relationship of mine that were periodically thrown back in my face. I realized at 20 that I had made a mistake in telling certain things and knew the relationship had no future because of it. I waited until I was 18 years into my marriage before I told dh about mother's issues.

You have the right to not tell him everything.

Read the Bill of Rights on this board as well, while you are away. I think the thread is entitled "Right everyone, listen up" . I will bump it for you.

[TeachMySelfBalance]

"Right, listen up everybody" is the name of the thread.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Math thanks for the book references. I will order the last one first and read it and then see how I feel about this situation. I can genuinely see the concerns you all have, and I sneakily do too. I don't think he's trying hard enough to prove that he's good enough for me, but then that's always been an issue for me. I've always felt the need to seek approval from the men in my life.

Selfbalance I will read that thread too.

[mathanxiety]

I fear you have hit the nail on the head as far as your pattern goes, Beaten.

Listen to your gut to know how you are feeling. Read the books to grasp it on an intellectual level if necessary. The whole point of the books is to get women who are on a gerbil wheel of unhealthy relationships to listen to themselves and not to seek approbation or validation from external sources.

What you feel in your gut about this man is really enough. You don't need the nod from a book to allow your self-preservation instincts free rein and tell him it's over. It is your self-preservation instinct that is whispering in your ear that all the little details you mentioned here were worth posting about, worth questioning. Listen to your instincts.

He is playing you.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

OK - update.

We've been trying to keep some kind of relationship going since I'm abroad, a text and there, a skype call, a few emails etc. I felt like he was holding me at arms length, which, if I'm honest, is a bit of a turnoff., but I was giving it a go.

Anyway, had a tough day with my sister (who is very controlling - she actually took my phone and texted the guy last night when I was in the shower - and weirdly reminded me of him). I called him tonight (he called back as I'm abroad). I wanted to know what was going on re are we exclusive etc and to be honest I was probably angling for a fight.

Anyway - the same old issues arise. And no matter how hard I tried to explain my life, why I've done what I've done and why I'm different now (18 months ago I quit my job which was getting me very low and started seeing a counsellor, which has made an incredible difference in tackling these self destructive issues that I had), he comes back with "But I want an equal partnership, and I want someone who will bring 50/50 (financially) to the relationship".

I really don't think he's deliberately playing me. I think he's just got a mind of granite and isn't easily accepting of people. He was being patient when I was saying "I don't think any woman is going to be good enough for you" etc, angling for an argument. He didn't bite. He was saying he's been hurt in the past and now looks to actions rather than words to prove that someone is who they say they/has changed. I respect this, but that beggars the question how long does it take before he could trust me?

Later (this went on for a good hour), when I said that his working/saving hard/sacrificing all his life has left him with an inflexible mind, he said that the proof that he has an open mind was in the fact that he was still talking to me, and didn't just say "goodbye" when he found out my past.

I think it's over, but I'm a bit sad. Can someone please just tell me that this is for the good?

[steamedtreaclesponge]

Yes, it's for the good!

Of course you feel a bit sad now, but you will feel a hell of a lot better when you don't have someone questioning your life the whole fucking time.

[DrunkenDaisy]

It's definitely for the good.

You will meet someone miles nicer, I promise.

[glastocat]

It's definitely for the good, he sounds like a complete arse to me.Who the hell does he think he is anyway?

[Lemonylemon]

Beaten Have just found this thread today. All I can say is that it is for the good. His righteous indignation would wear you down in the end.

Just as an aside, he's a police officer - the drugs thing will be raised again and again. To his mind, it's a criminal offence, period. Lots of police officers are inflexible in their attitudes - and I say this having been married to one years ago (he's now married to another officer btw). The thing is, that you both have very different mindsets. You are willing to explore your mind and its workings and how you can deal with things, and he isn't.

Make the most of the rest of your holiday without him and I wouldn't bother contacting him on your return - you'll be on report for the rest of your life if you do.....

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Thanks for the update.
It sounds like a relationship to him is a financial contract.

Are you thinking that because of your past, this guy represents you reaching high, or higher than you thought you could expect to be in a relationship, iykwim? From what you have written, this guy is not on the chart of 'good guys'-your aim is up there (nothing wrong with that) but it is way off target into foul territory.

It is a very ripe piece of bait: a healthy wage...but please don't let that eclipse your relationship rights. It seems that his wage level being over yours is license for him to emotionally abuse you with that fact indefinitely. If/when that becomes invalid, then he always has your past to throw in your face in the name of his selfrighteousness.

As I said earlier: learn from your mistake in telling him too much about your past. This relationship will never work for you because of that. It will work for him, because he is an emotional abuser and you have given him a lifetime of ammunition to use against you. Sorry. It is a hard lesson, but I have been there/done that.

Let someone else deal with him.

Thinking that it is over is your gut talking to you. Trust your gut. It is for the good that you move on.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Thank you everyone - he certainly was unable to see anything in me that he could respect it seems. Because he was keeping me at arms length (which he admitted he was doing, until he could "trust" me, which would be a long and slow process), I foolishly tried to expedite some warmth by sending him an email of things I liked about him. Eventually, after prompting, her wrote back "Your smile, energy and sense of fun". Wow, that's it?!

I think the thing for me is that I often feel like I don't deserve to be treated with respect and value, or dignity. This is a bigger issue for me if I'm honest, and I saw it clear as a bell this afternoon. I am visiting parents/sister not seen in quite a while (live another country) and noticing how I felt around them. I actually caught myself thinking "I deserve a controlling relationship" (which is what I have with my sister, sadly), and accepting that I'd settle for this guy because that's what I deserved, regardless of how he made me feel. Where is the alarm bell emoticon ? Makes no rational sense, but a lot of emotional sense

DrunkenDaisy I hope you're right and I'll meet someone miles nicer

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Ugh and when I said that how I lived before I met him wasn't anything to do with him, he replied that it was, because now he'd have to work twice as hard to pay for my "living it up" lifestyle that I'd had up till now.

I know I'm not perfect and this is a wake up call for me to get my finances sorted (which, actually, I started doing about a year ago, it's just not complete yet).

I just feel down because I'm staying with my rather toxic family at the moment which is emotional challenge enough, because their default position is to judge and put people down

[ShoutyHamster]

'He was being patient when I was saying "I don't think any woman is going to be good enough for you" etc'

• no, the problem is that so far he hasn't met a woman (you included, fortunately) who is prepared to be such a low-standards doormat that she will accept being treated as some kind of charity case by this weird little scrote!
  

I am nonplussed. He sounds awful. Full on, loser, big-headed-with-absolutely-no-reason-to-be awful. And you sound nice, and sorted, and it is as clear as day that you could do so much better.

The technical point that someone who has worked hard to be financially secure would not want to risk that in a new relationship is sound - of course. But that's the puzzling thing. He is the one suggesting a joint mortgage, jumping in with both feet etc.! Not you! Then he backs off and starts furrowing his miserly little brow and judging your 'suitability' like a bloody bank manager?

He sounds a bit wanting in the personality stakes. And the communication stakes. And the being a normal person stakes. He's a real odd one, and not in a nice way.

Delighted to get to the end of this thread and see that this little interlude is over for you, OP. I know it's difficult to be able to stand outside of a relationship and see a dynamic like this, but by God, there is no doubt about this one. He's a total weirdo. Get shot!!!

[solidgoldbrass]

Fucking hell you are so much better off without this man. What he wants in a relationship is a woman who accepts that she is his inferior, his property, his pet and servant, and that she should be grateful that he has chosen her to mistreat. Send this man a message saying 'Actually, I've decided that you're not good enough for me. Do not ever contact me again.' That's what I would do.

[ShoutyHamster]

'Ugh and when I said that how I lived before I met him wasn't anything to do with him, he replied that it was, because now he'd have to work twice as hard to pay for my "living it up" lifestyle that I'd had up till now.'

SO, SO WEIRD!!!



please lose him from your life...

The only reasonable reply to that is for you to point out (with a perfectly straight face, if you can) that what he has to consider is that in return, you would be having to overlook all the unpleasant personality defects that his miserly attitude to life has left him with, such as controllingness, meanspiritedness, lack of awareness of boundaries, lack of respect for you, etc. That you think it's only fair to him to point out that as he likes weighing these things up, he really needs to factor in the fact that he is an odd, unpleasant weirdo, and that his financial security can only go so far with compensating for this. That you could, actually, do much much better than him... and that sadly, you've decided that you will.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

ShoutyHamster are you a writer by any chance?! I love your use of language ('weird little scrote' in particular made me )

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

ShoutyHamster

He definitely seemed to want to have me around to mistreat. I don't understand that mentality - why bother? Twisted.

Anyway have bought The Verbally Abusive Relationship and getting on with it.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Or should I just send him an email with the link to this thread?!