Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).
   

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I know. It's a risk for me at the moment tbh.

Luckily I'm going abroad this week for the whole of summer so I'd have to put an effort in just to keep contact with him, if I wanted to; and being with my family and friends back home will distract me and give me perspective. It's my get-out clause, just need to be strong until the flight.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

What? You mean AF actually had shit from fuckwits too????

[AnyFucker]

why are you such a "risk" ?

I am genuinely

you sound so sorted in every other area

you need to get a grip, in the nicest possible way

[AnyFucker]

beaten, yes

why do you think I have such insight about how they work/how you might react ?

[AnyFucker]

did you think I would post in such strong terms about something I have no experience of ?

that would be quite arrogant, and that I am not

[AnyFucker]

you sound bloody marvellous, btw, and worth sooooo much more than listening to the demands of some fuckwit

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

aha! so that's it.

I'm a risk because sometimes I just want to be in a relationship of any sort and tend to get a little nervous when I'm newly single, thinking that no-one will ever want to be in a healthy, normal, functioning, fun, sexy relationship with me. I am pretty sorted in most things but this issue is still needing some attention.

[AnyFucker]

well, I dunno

what do you think ?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

oh thanks

I just thought you were particularly insightful and very strong-minded. Which you are as well

[Yama]

You'll be fine Beaten. You have a lot to offer just being yourself.

Just think - now you have this experience you are more worldly wise. I really really appreciate my dh loving me, nae liking me for who I am after my lucky escape.

[AnyFucker]

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I promise to post back once the deed is done and give the update.

Thanks everyone. Lets go posting on other threads now

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

OK OP, just one more thought. If you haven't done coke in the last week, don't do any for a while and make sure there is none in the house. Because it is not impossible that this knob will react to being dumped by shopping you to his workmates as a coke user - if this does happen you can just say that he's lying because you dumped him but that won't help you if you are found with coke in your possession.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

SGB thanks for that - I think you're right. I've already considered the possibility but it's been a few weeks and there is nowt in the house. I'm also prepared for some kind of police trauma at work - I wouldn't put it past him to send someone to work to arrest or question me, just to make it as awful as possible.

[CoteDAzur]

I truly wouldn't expect police to knock on your door with a search warrant just because an ex-boyfriend said you used coke some years ago.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

No I know it's a bit extreme and probably won't happen. But I'm sure he could cover the fact that he's an ex, and could cause all manner of havoc if he chose. Just being super suspicious!

[Jacksmania]

You know, I think you have a really good "out" wrt going away for the rest of the summer. Tell him that some of tge things he's said to you have really made you think and that you don't feel you're ready for a relationship at this time. And that you'll be going away anyway and will take that time to work on yourself. Best of luck to him etc but you don't feel able to commit to anyone just now. The old "it's not you, it's me" thing.
Good luck!! I'm actually quite nervous for you. Hope it goes ok. And do please update.

[mathanxiety]

I would be inclined to get your locks changed before telling him the two of you are history.

I like Jacksmania'[s script. No need to antagonise him or go any deeper into things or give him any hope of clinging to you. Though it might be fun to tell him you are just so busy with your career and masters and running on top of being away for the summer, etc., that you don't think you can really keep up a relationship as there are only 24 hours in a day..

[Jacksmania]

Has he a key to your place? If yes, then getting the locks changed, especially before you go away for the summer, is a good idea. If he hasn't got a key, then I wouldn't bother as he could probably pick the new lock as easily as the old one [alarmist emoticon ]

[kipperandtiger]

I wouldn't say he was a red flag necessarily - a lot of the things he is worrying about sound like what your parents or best friend would worry about on your behalf. BUT - of course it all comes down to how he says it and how he makes you feel. Does he make you feel like he thinks you're inferior or weaker than him? If he uses them as sticks to beat you with (eg, little snide remarks, using them to shut you up in an argument, etc etc) then that's not good - besides, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" - nobody is perfect, he's got his faults too.
Two important things to consider - if he does sounds as though he is personally criticising you and can never discuss the problems of narcotics and savings in a supportive way, then it may mean that you'll always have problems communicating - which would be a big strain on any relationship and not bode well for the future. Secondly, you don't say whether you want kids yourself. A man who sees his future partner as just a childbearing machine regardless of her wishes regarding starting a family is also not a great prospect as future husband or partner.

[kipperandtiger]

Sorry, just read your post about him showing a guest round the house while you were asleep!! Forget the earlier rambling, OP - send him packing!!!! This man has failed on a crucial hurdle (having already racked up black marks interrogating you and why he broke up with his long term relationship GF). He sounds like he just wants a woman to produce his kids and be nanny and cook, provide some money to help him start on the property ladder, and he doesn't seem to care about what his partner/wife wants. No, not good. You're better off without him.

[mumsamilitant]

Sorry honey but he's a nut job! He doesnt want to take a year to find something out????? You shouldnt even be discussing this sort of stuff before a year? He slags you off and then wants to get a mortgage with you????? Total BLOODY CONTROL FREAK NUTTER!!!!!! Read this back to yourself, you're getting sucked in, stop it and get out!

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

oh people I'm sorry. I met him for a drink last night and confronted him. He said he was sorry about his faults and wanted to improve himself. He also said he wasn't bothered about the coke and money. I am still not sure about him but haven't kicked him to the kerb yet.

and no, he doesn't have a key. I may be a little pissed but am not crazy

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I know Rabbit, I'm keeping a sharp eye. That crossed my mind too. To be fair he didn't bring it up yesterday, I did. He seemed to accept that there are some things we are both better at than each other and was much more chilled out.

I did a bit of a stressed out cry on him (not about him, about my family) and he was good about it. He even met my aunty afterwards which was a big deal as I never let family meet 'friends' and he was very nice.

I don't know that he think he thinks I'm the best thing ever...I don't think he thinks otherwise either, but he doesn't trust people easily.

And I think he's a bit judgemental, which is one of the things I challenged him on.

I don't know. He's great in some ways, a bit of an arrogant arse in others. He may not cut the grade but i just don't really know yet.

Please don't flame me!