Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

He will have you ground down within a few more months. Getoutgetoutgetout.

Him telling you that you don't get pushed about... has he been trying to push you about, then?
If you see him again, I'd ask why he hasn't ever had a relationship lasting longer than a year. That sounds a bit off as well

You haven't mentioned love but you are talking about a prenup?

Do you think you are about to marry this guy after 7 weeks of dating, before he even says "I love you"?

When he was interrogating me about money (and it was just like an interrogation) last weekend I turned around and asked him why he was speaking to me like that, and that if he couldn't speak to me with respect, not to speak to me at all..he got a bit of a shock and apologised. I also explained that whilst his success criteria were money etc, mine were kindness, empathy and compassion, and that all the time he was trying to work out whether I was a good catch, I was summing him up. So maybe that's why he thinks I can't get pushed around.

where are the good men?

CoteDAzur - odd isn't it? That's why it feels so clinical, and less and less fun.

This fish stinks. Throw him back.

After 7 weeks he's criticising you? 7 WEEKS?! This is the time he should be a-wooing and being nice.

Fuck him the fuck off, as Anyfucker might say.

Also, can I point out that you are asking "A I a big red flag" so already after only 7 weeks he is affecting your self esteem and the way you see yourself. A game player.

I assume the 26 hour first date involved him sampling the goods? Girl, there is no way a guy respects what he's got if he gets it easily. No wonder he's picking holes. I don't think you're the one with the problem here though.

Rubbish.

Whats rubbish BoF?

springydaffs implying that OP's boyfriend doesn't respect her because they slept together on the first date is rubbish.

He doesn't respect her because he isn't viewing her as a person. He's girlfriend shopping and it almost doesn't matter who it is, as long as she ticks all the boxes on his weird list.

After 7 weeks, the fact that he is being such a judgemental wanker is Not A Good Sign.

Also, he's telling you you don't let yourself get pushed around so that he can push you around and all the time you're thinking you're not being pushed around because you're not the type who gets pushed around because he said so.

You've not even been with this twat 2 months. Just dump and move on I reckon.

It's rubbish to say that a man won't respect you if you sleep with him on the first date. Ok, some might not, but they are wankers. Others just see it as pursuing a spark that is mutually felt. I have had long-term relationships which started like that, and there was no lack of respect. Obviously, don't do it if you don't want to, but my general feeling on being judgemental about sex on a first date is that the 1950s are thataway

I agree - sorry springydaffs, but I don't think that has anything to do with it.

I do think that it's interesting how everyone's been unanimous re him. I think the biggest thing for me to consider is that this is just too early to be starting to feel like I'm a lesser being, and have to justify my good points...what will he be like after 7 months, years?

What qualities does he have? He's quite attractive, good in bed, successful in career, he cares for his mother (although he admitted that it was cheaper to have her live with him than put her into care), he doesn't think I'm fat....yikes I'm starting to struggle a little, even though I do think I like him. In some ways he's mature and sorted out.

He's been single because he finds relationships stressful.

I hate all that 'don't have sex on the first date' rubbish. If you want to sleep with someone, you can sleep with them whenever you want (assuming they want to sleep with you too :)).

Fair enough, they might turn out to be a wanker, but they would have always been a wanker whether you slept with them on the first date or the tenth.

That's his problem. FGS, don't make it yours. Next!

He's been single cos no-one's been able to stomach him for long.

beatenbya, he doesn't sound great tbh.

I think there's a reason he hasn't ever had a relationship lasting longer than a year. And I don't think the reason is that all his girlfriends have been after his money.

RabbitPie - thanks for that post. It clarified it and also was very kind

Ah I get you BoF. I slept with (now) DH on the 2nd date (we just clicked) and 8 years later we are still very happy. Also, when we met I was a single mum with no money, he was secure in his job with a decent (but not huge) inheritance coming his way. Never once did he question me in the way the OPs boyfriend has. Though in fairness in the first 7 weeks of our dating we never discussed our assets or what we could financially bring to the relationship. That would have been weird and would have probably sent us both running for the hills in different directions!

sorry x-posting....thanks for all the posts. Bum I thought I had a good one there for a while...

I think HE is the red flag and YOU should bail to be honest. He sounds awful.

Yep. It's all a bit weird.

It's not my imagination that it felt invasive to be discussing my bank account after 7 weeks then...he said that whenever he was trying to get to know me I just shut down....

RabbitPie that's EXACTLY what it feels like. I even used those words!

His reasons for breaking up with his longest relationship was that she was seeing a counsellor, earned a lot of money but was a foodie and so spent it on expensive dining, and otherwise couldn't work out why she was skint.

I just feel like I'm supposed to be scrabbling around justifying myself.